Does you H do this?

[womblingfree1970]

I wanted to raise another issue I have with my H and its the groping and fondling that he does.

For example if say I give H a morning /welcoming kiss he will grope one of my breasts either in a just direct groping way or make a silly honking horn noise with it.During the day together he will regularly come upto me and grope either my breasts or squeeze my bottom saying something like great ass or even grope my genitals.Most of which I dislike and have told H so on many occasions.But he still continues to do so.

H states that alot of men do this.That this is normal between couples.He says I'm the strange one.He rarely kisses me with a tender stroking of the face or anything like that.The only thing he does do is go in for a long kiss with really over the top groaning noises.Which seem put on.

I've seen the odd film where the H playfully grabs the wifes breasts and this is ok.But my H does this type of thing alot.

Sit him down and give him one final chance to stop behaving like an idiot - tell him in no uncertain terms to stop groping you and all of the other things that make you cringe. Tell him I DON'T LIKE IT, it makes me cringe and this is your last bloody warning.

If he doesn't respect your wishes after this - get the hell out.

I haven't read all the posts btw, just the first few but he sounds like a prune!

Wombling , what are your living arrangements , have you moved out or him ? After a while youll probably start to forget or minimize all the horrible things hes done and only remember the good , a plan , and support is votal .

One of the things i did , and it took a lot , was to tell freinds and family what was going on . They were horrified , and after i had done this , i couldnt have gone back even i had wanted to . I also got support from womens aid , and they referred me to a soliciter who specialized in abusive marriages . Perhaps start a thread specificly asking for support to stay away ?

Where have you and your DC gone Wombling?
Does your H know where you are?

Wombling , what are your living arrangements , have you moved out or him ? After a while youll probably start to forget or minimize all the horrible things hes done and only remember the good , a plan , and support is votal .

Diggs

Thanks for your advice.You have described exactly what happens.I've completely seperated from him a number of times and then I start to completely forget the bad stuff and only remember the good.I totally forget and then go back and then when it starts again i'm reminded of how it was.

Don't think everyone on here believes that though.

Living arrangements are:- he moved out a long time ago.I'm living with kids in our home.I had a complete split from him.But then what has happened several times now is that (as you described)I forget the bad stuff and try to make things work by allowing him to stay over once in a while.His behaviour towards me at this stage is good and he behaves like the perfect H.Then the bad behaviour starts to rear its ugly head and suddenly I remember what life was like when we were together so I then completely seperate from him again.Like I have now.

This time (as you said)I will write down the horrible stuff so that I don't go back again.

Haven't got any family or friends to tell.Completely isolated so can't tell them.

no not normal very teenager like,my oh would never do this.its not respectful at all.I am sorry you have to deal with this behaviour.

OK, so I have read all of your previous posts now, they don't make pretty reading. I can understand why other posters have found them confusing because the timeline of a lot of them are jumbled; but if like you've said you've asked for advice to make sure you've already done the right thing after the event then they make a bit more sense.
There's no advice you can get now on top of what you've already had, and I think you know that; I think you need to be told you've done the right thing by ending the relationship - you have.

If not for yourself then find the strength to sort this out for your DC before they become irrevocably damaged by what they are witnessing every day. If you don't have any friends or family then see a counsellor and a solicitor.

You can do this, you need to because after all this time I don't think you can gain any more from posting for advice here. You already know what to do.

Wombling, his behaviour isn't what most normal men would consider acceptable. My DH might, if we were alone, touch me in an affectionate, close way- he wouldn't grab or grope, and he absolutely would not continue to do anything that I'd asked him to stop doing.

The fact that your H continues to grope you after you have asked him to stop could certainly be construed as abuse. If he won't stop when you tell him to, the only solution is not to have personal/ physical contact with him on any level. This is control, treating you as his property, and the fact that you keep letting him back into your life might suggest, in his mind, that actually this is what you want.

Do you have any way of spending more time in the company of other people so that he isn't your only connection with others? Not saying that you necessarily need to instantly make the kind of friends that you could talk to about this straightaway, but could you volunteer, take up a hobby etc just to get used to interacting with others in a non-sexual, non-control-based manner?

Womble , you are wise to seek support to keep him away . Your not the first woman to go back and you wont be the last , dont beat yourself up about it . Keeping mine gone was one of the hardest things ive ever done . Of course you have wanted to beleive him , who wants to have to know theyve married an abuser ? Far easier to reason it away and forgive and hope . Have you read up on stockholme syndrome and cognitive disconance ?

I think you need a strategy , and i think you need to implement it like a military operation . I would aproach womens aid for counselling , not so they can tell you what is and isnt abusive , your not daft and you dont need telling , but so you can examine your weak spots . Often the answers are in the past , . I am a sucker for feeling guilty and responsible for others even though i know its not rational . Once i knew why i did this it became easier to stop doing it . I assume you will have your own weak spots that he will no doubt try to exploit.

I note you say you are isolated , but presumably you once had freinds , has he got rid of them ? Could you possibly get in touch again ? The trouble is , abusers often ensure that your focus is entireley on them , they often make sure the house revolves around them , so when they are gone , there can be a sense of " what now ? " . Instead of being releived you can start to miss it daft as it sounds . Fill that gap with something else . Imagine a house with one brick missing , its allowing a rat to keep getting in . Brick it up .

I bricked it up with learning to drive , making new freinds , going to college , decorating and changing the house round . I made a life that he could not just slip into unnoticed , he did not belong anymore , too much had changed . Make those changes Womble and keep the rat out .

It might help to think of yourself as a sort of drug addict . You might occasionally want a little fix of abuse . Its not talked about but its true . Make a plan on here or on paper , of all the what ifs and possible eventuallitys , and have a plan to deal with it . I would start a thread , as others have done , asking for help and support from others whove experienced similar .
Well done for getting rid of him .

Yes my DH does this, i do find it anoying and childish, i have never directly told him, i dont like it though, i would hope he would stop if i did.

The bra thing on the plan is very childish, but i wouldnt have though it to have been done in a malisous (sp) way.

If you really dont like it tell him again, just when he does it as it is likely to be a habit now so if you tell him and then tommorow he does it again say "stop it and if you dont you will get a slap every time you do!!"

Sorry posted before reading the whole tread. In answer to your OP yes my DH does this but he wouldnt if i asked him not to. If your H continues to do this and hurts you then that is abusive

Good luck to you

Fab post ,diggs,
My love for my husband was an addiction,I excused his behaviour for years.It's only now I see the bloke's true colours .
I am building a better life for my kids now and I know its better we are apart.He didnt respect me and that's not good enough for me and my dcs.These guys all have choices ,but they choose to be selfish and irresponsible .