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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did a bad thing

69 replies

badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 20:52

Hello all

I just need to get this off my chest. I have been chatting online with a guy for a few months and we have organised to meet up soon. He's lovely, we have spoke on the phone and I truly think he is a lovely man - one in a million in fact.

The problem is I slept with an ex last week. There is no excuse, I hadn't seen him in a long time and won't do it again. I do not want to be with this man.

I am in pieces thinking I should tell the guy online. I feel as if I have cheated on him. My friends have said not to as it may ruin everything but I can't forget it.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I feel so stupid and ashamed.

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 25/04/2011 20:55

You've not made any commitment to online man as yet. Put your ex behind you and keep it to yourself. There's nothing to gain from telling him.

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 20:57

Thank you. I know so much about him, we email every day, text. I feel committed even if it hasn't been said and we haven't met. I feel truly wretched, but thank you for saying that, it has helped a bit. :)

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 25/04/2011 20:58

You haven't even met the new guy yet, how can you have cheated on him?

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 25/04/2011 20:59

Don't worry about it. Seriously, You've done nothing wrong and there's no reason for anything to be found out, whatever happens.

Solola · 25/04/2011 20:59

Its a really hard one to answer. I can only say that if it was me, I would tell him. It would take the weight of guilt (which you are obviously feeling) off your shoulders and also set up your relationship in a place of honesty. If he is the one in a million he should see past your mistake. I'm sure you'd prefer that he tell you if the situation was reversed? You are not a bad person for doing what you did, it was a mistake and you regret it.

StealthyKissBeartrayal · 25/04/2011 21:00

If you haven't even met him and haven't made any commitment to each other yet I don't think it's a big deal really. You have not cheated on him. I am torn on whether yu mention it, but if you do it shouldn't be in a "huge confession" way, unless you have made commitments to each other, you should just be telling him something you regret, rather than confessing somethingyou are ashamed of.

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 21:02

If I tell him I think he will think a lot less of me and not want to meet me and I really have had bad relationships. This seemed to be a possible VERY good one.

I am really torn... I just think I ruin everything good that comes my way.

Thanks everyone for your insights. I need to think this through.

As for him doing it to me, no chance. I can't really go into why but trust me on this. No he is not married or anything like that.

OP posts:
StealthyKissBeartrayal · 25/04/2011 21:04

If you don;t tell him will it loom over you and threaten to come out?
Seriously, I am not one for covering up on the basis the other person willl never know but in this case I think its different

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 21:07

I go through moments where I think we haven't even met, but we know so much about each other... I just regret it so much and i don't know if I can forgive myself. I probably would want to say it at some point, I just don't know.

I think he may never trust me again and I am not someone who cheats. I am a faithful person in relationships. I really don't like myself and it is eating away at all the good jokes we have shared. What a mess.

My friends that know, only a few, have said I'd be mad to say anything, but we are all different.

It will never happen again, that much is a certainty.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 25/04/2011 21:09

(apologises in advance for shouting)

YOU'VE NOT BLOODY MET HIM YET!!!!

You could meet this guy and might simply NOT gel with him, he could be a control freak, a liar or a loon. He could SMELL Grin,

He MIGHT be a great guy, he MIGHT NOT! You don't know.

FGS, please don't fall into the commitment stuff before you have even been in the same POSTCODE. Otherwise you are emotionally invested in a guy that won't necessarily be on your wavelength or at all suitable for you, but you end up trying to make it work because you feel committed.

For all you know, he could be shagging half his town and you wouldn't have a clue.

Be smarter than that, keep your eyes and options open. Your private life is exactly that, until you choose to personally invite him into your RL.

HerHissyness · 25/04/2011 21:10

You know what he has told you.

My life with my now X taught me that that means jack shit.

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 21:12

Thanks.... I needed that.

You are right. I just feel bad about it. I know he is not shagging around, trust me on that. If I thought maybe he was until we met then I'd not feel so bad.

But OK, the general consensus seems to be to cop myself on and let it go and see whathappens.

Thanks all. I have been getting really down about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 21:13

Thanks herhissyness.... but given his situation he is not out on the town meeting women.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 25/04/2011 21:16

No one normal would think it an issue that you slept with an ex before you met. As others have said - you are investing too much in this relationship before it's even started. You've built up a great relationship online but things may be very different once you meet.

If you start getting all emotional about 'cheating' and feel that you have to 'confess' then this guy is going to think you're a serious weirdo and run a mile! You need to chill out and just enjoy his company. See what happens as things progress.

Have fun! Smile

elastamum · 25/04/2011 21:19

Why on earth would you tell him? He doesnt know you at all, you have never even met and if you did tell him he would probably think you are a loon Hmm

You are not in a relationship with this man. You are single and entitled to do whatever you like. Until you meet the guy you have no idea whether a relationship might blossom in real life. So get out there and meet him soon, at which point you both get to decide whether you want to take things further. Whatever else you have done before is none of his business. You are an adult, so you can sleep with whoever you please...

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 21:21

Thanks fortyplus

Really good point both you and others raised about over-investing. I didn't think of it like that, but I obviously am. Time to relax a bit and meet him and see where it goes (if anywhere). I just obviously enjoy punishing myself.

It's really helped to get all your perspectives. Thanks everyone for posting. :)

OP posts:
Vicky2011 · 25/04/2011 21:23

I am really hoping this fella is in the forces rather than prison from your last post!

Anyway, I agree completely with Hissy and would add that you really should only invest a certain amount of emotion in someone you haven't met yet. Fancying someone is really not about what they look like in a photo, you may simply not click. Been there. Grin Good luck anyway.

colditz · 25/04/2011 21:23

You'[ve had bad relationships because you over involve yourself. You haven't met this man, you owe him nothing.

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 21:26

Not prison, hell no.

I do over-involve. I am not a loon. He thinks I'm very copped on. As would my friends. I'm the one with the good advice, but I hear what you are all saying and will act on that. A good lesson to learn :)

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 21:26

Is he in prison?

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 21:27

Not prison, nothing like that :)

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 21:27

Sorry x-posted with a few of you!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 21:28

OK so what is he doing that you are so sure he's not out on the town?

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 21:30

Actually, this has been really good to learn about myself.

I have got totally caught up in things and am actually really grateful that I can look in now and see how I must look like a nutcase. Not a good look.

I'm really grateful. Thanks.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 25/04/2011 22:13

Relax and enjoy meeting him Smile