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Original poster

Did a bad thing

69 replies

badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 20:52

Hello all

I just need to get this off my chest. I have been chatting online with a guy for a few months and we have organised to meet up soon. He's lovely, we have spoke on the phone and I truly think he is a lovely man - one in a million in fact.

The problem is I slept with an ex last week. There is no excuse, I hadn't seen him in a long time and won't do it again. I do not want to be with this man.

I am in pieces thinking I should tell the guy online. I feel as if I have cheated on him. My friends have said not to as it may ruin everything but I can't forget it.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I feel so stupid and ashamed.

OP posts:
Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 22:16

I will. Am quite excited, truth be told.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 23:03

Is he married, badgirl? You seem pretty sure he's not out at night.

I wouldn't tell him at the moment. Wait until you've met him. It might be different when you've met him; I'm sure you've thought of that.

I met someone after talking to them online. What I didn't like about him when we met was the way he looked a little bit smug when he said something funny. We talked on the phone an awful lot before we met and he made me cry with laughter, but I didn't realise he had that expression on his face! Funnily enough, I work with someone now who does the same thing and it makes me want to slap him, too!

ohboob · 25/04/2011 23:11

Honestly don't tell him.

I once spent months chatting to a guy online (because we lived in different places). I dated other people in the meantime, but did eventually meet this guy in the flesh. I had felt like we had really clicked and couldn't wait to meet him. But then he was nothing like how he had represented himself online. It wasn't something he did on purpose, I suppose it was my fault for building up an image on him.

I've been on a few more internet dates since then. The feelings you can start having for someone before you meet usually disappear in a puff of smoke when you meet. I made a rule that I would meet men very quickly so that I didn't have time to build up any real picture of them or any feelings and it was far more successful.

For the record, I met someone 2 months ago online and I'm smitten. He's wonderful. So it can work out. Even if it doesn't work with this guy there will be others. Just don't invest too much in any one man initially. The way internet dating works means there is too much chance of you getting hurt, or getting the wrong end of the stick!

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 23:14

He is not married, I just don't want to go into everything on here.

It is nothing sordid or strange, I just don't want too many personal details on here. You never know who reads it...

I was thinking I should say something before we met so he has the choice to either meet me or not. Obviously I don't want him to say he doesnt want to meet me, but I feel it is something I should say before we meet so he has a choice.

I may well feel different in a few days, that is just how I feel now.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 23:16

Maybe you should look at what made you sleep with the other man. Was it just that he was there and you desperately needed to scratch that itch?

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 23:21

I met him online but it wasn't a dating site. We didnt start chatting in the hope of forming a relationship, it just developed that way over time.

re the ex, yes it was purely an itch and yes I 100% regret it :(

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 23:50

I have been speaking to badgirl via PM and I'm pretty sure she wont mind me saying this ... she doesn't want to out him or herself by saying what his actual situation is, but he's not in prison, he's not married and he's not shagging about. As she said, she didn't meet him on a dating site (it was a similar chat site to this but not parenting) - he wasn't actively looking to meet someone. It all actually sounds lovely and a bit of a shame she ended up in the same place, at the same time as her Ex. and scratched an itch - but hey, stones and glass houses - I'm certainly not throwing any!!

Original poster
badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 23:56

Thanks, chipping in :)

Ah, if I could turn back time, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but you live and learn!!!

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ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 26/04/2011 00:09

[busmile]

Try and get some sleep, worrying about it wont change anything.

HerHissyness · 26/04/2011 00:18

OK, so good news OP. You know that the X is an EX! you know that there is no going back. That's better than a lot of other women can say...

Turn the page, forgive yourself and forget it. You are not committed to anyone.

Lesson learned

Original poster
badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 00:22

No going back, it should never have happened. Thanks for that... lesson well and truly learned :)

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Beavermum · 26/04/2011 00:22

So I was in exactly the same situation as Badgirl 10 years ago, met him developed a relationship shared our past's as you do (not too much info just enough!!) we've been married 7.5 years and have DS 6.

LittleEasterHouse · 26/04/2011 00:23

badgirl I am in the same position as you re meeting someone online. By the time we meet it will have been three months of chat email and skype which is way too long. I keep having to do a reality check that we haven't actually met yet because it is a very quick intimacy you achieve.
But if we don't click when we meet we will still have a great friendship and a shared hobby.

Don't tell him about your lapse, at least not yet. It won't achieve anything positive.

Original poster
badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 00:27

He knows so much about me... it is just I feel as if I cheated but I am aware we haven't committed as such. Agree the intimacy happened quickly.

i don't want to hurt him when i know it would never happen if we were together.

I think i'll sleep on it a few days and see how I feel then.

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 26/04/2011 00:35

I'm not sure you should be dating anyone at all right now. You sound so desperate and needy and over-invested in some whanger you have never even met (who might be smelly, shit in bed or not even a man).
There is nothing wrong with shagging an XP for the hell of it as long as the XP is willing. There is nothing wrong with casual sex. There's a lot wrong with deciding that every random you have a conversation with is 'The One' and falling all over yourself trying to make yourself into his perfet partner. Remember that when you are dating, you are assessing whether he is worth your time and effort just as much as giving him the chance to see your good qualities.

Original poster
badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 00:42

Needy, desperate? Er, if I was I'd have been pushing to meet him months ago.

You don't know the half of it, so I will let your comments slide.

I didn't meet this man internet dating. I was not looking for a partner. I know no-one is perfect, but thanks for your reply, it has only just made me realise how glad I am that not everyone is as quick to judge without knowing all the facts as you :)

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Original poster
badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 00:43

And yes, he is a man, I have spoke with him, exchanged photos.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 26/04/2011 00:50

oh dear you have not even met him yet, he may seem like a lovely guy but until you meet him and really get to know him, see him with friends, family you can not really make that judgement anyone can make up whatever they want to online

be careful you sound like you are getting way too involved already and no i would not say anything do you know what he is really up to

Original poster
badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 00:54

Thanks for the concern, I just feel bad. I'm not rushing anything at all. Of course I know he could be lying but knowing his situation and talking with him I believe him until proved otherwise :)

OP posts:
fortyplus · 26/04/2011 00:55

SpringchickenGoldBrass what a nasty post

Original poster
badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 01:00

It's OK. Pinch of salt. I know that I may have been over-investing because we have exchanges so many emails and chatted. It is easy to run away with things which I probably have.

If anything it has been really lovely to get to know each other this way. He doesn't live near me but we could have easily forced a meeting before now, but it felt nice to get to know him this way. So far I am glad I have.

Thanks all for the advice. Lots to think about :)

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LittleEasterHouse · 26/04/2011 08:41

I love SGB she never gilds the pill. What she says is absolutely correct but blunt. All that she says may be the case, or it may not be. The OP needs to consider these things, (as do I), and not get carried away in a romantic haze.

When I challenged my friend over whether he was using his real name online he emailed me a photo of his passport, then was miffed when I queried that too.

But how do you ever know whether things someone tells you are true, whether online or in a bar? The default position for most of us is to tell the truth, and to believe what we are told. But for sociopaths the rules don't apply and they take advantage of that.

All very interesting and adds to the fun in my view. Just be careful OP and guard your heart a bit until you have met him.

fortyplus · 26/04/2011 10:07

Oh I think there's a huge difference between merely being 'blunt' (which in itself is often used to excuse the behaviour of loud-mouthed ignoramuses) and referring to the op's online friend (who has done nothing wrong and who she refers to as 'lovely' and 'one in a million') as 'some whanger'.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 26/04/2011 10:22

For al the OP actually knows given that she has not met the man, her lovely imaginary online friend could be a whole group of whangers engaged on a windup.

And the depth of feeling expressed for someone she hasn't met does suggest desperation or at least romantic gullibility, which is not really in her best interests.

Original poster
badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 10:29

Springchicken - be as cynical as you like. it is not taking anything away from it in my mind.

I think he is fantastic. It isn't the crime of the century. I'm not friggin desperate for a man, not in the slightest. I find your suggestion I am gullible highly offensive, but then, I think you are incredibly cynical and jaded so let's call it quits OK. Your point has been made. :)

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