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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did a bad thing

69 replies

badgirl101 · 25/04/2011 20:52

Hello all

I just need to get this off my chest. I have been chatting online with a guy for a few months and we have organised to meet up soon. He's lovely, we have spoke on the phone and I truly think he is a lovely man - one in a million in fact.

The problem is I slept with an ex last week. There is no excuse, I hadn't seen him in a long time and won't do it again. I do not want to be with this man.

I am in pieces thinking I should tell the guy online. I feel as if I have cheated on him. My friends have said not to as it may ruin everything but I can't forget it.

Any advice would be appreciated.

I feel so stupid and ashamed.

OP posts:

Original poster

badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 10:32

OK, wasn't going to post this but he is a very well respected moderator on the site we 'met' on OK. he has been around for years on it. It is a huge site and he is well known.

But yes, possibly he is a whanger that has kept the pretence up for years. Yeah, you are probably right!!!!! Silly, gullible me!!!!

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 26/04/2011 10:37

OK, so you have more information (obviously) than I do about this man.
However, the fact that you consider having sex as 'cheating' on someone you have never met is unhealthy. If this is just on your side, then you are over-romanticising and it does suggest desperation to find 'true love'.
If it's him who has made suggestions that you consider yourselves in any kind of exlusive romantic relationship when you have never even met each other then he is a complete fucking nutter and the fact that you haven't already told him to get stuffed again suggests dangerous naievety.

Mumfun · 26/04/2011 10:41

aw badgirl there are a number of people on here who arent into long term relationships and therefore dont appreciate the feelings and nuances that go into dating thats not just for the short term.

As is said on another site I go on take from this site the advice that helps and ignore that doesnt

glad another Mnetter has supported you and you dont sound desperate just feeling too responsible towards some one you havent met in RL. hope the meeting goes well for you!

Original poster

badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 10:46

Would you ever just stop running away with things... he has not said we are in anything exclusive. it hasn't come up. I have not mentioned anything of the sorts on here.

After the months of chatting and looking forward to meeting up, I feel as if I have done a really bad thing. It doesn't make me some desperate woman.

I am not a naive fool. I have morals and after the fact we were sexting each other etc, it makes me feel pretty low. Not naive, cheap.

I explained early on the guy was decent and lovely but you had to just presume he was probably some 'whanger' and refused to take my word for it. It just didn't add up to you so you had to be downright nasty and insult not only his character, but mine also. I think that makes you naive.

I think this thread has been done now. I really have no more to say on it.

Thanks everyone for your input. it's very much appreciated :)

OP posts:

suburbophobe · 26/04/2011 10:57

we were sexting each other

A guy you've never met?

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 26/04/2011 10:57

SGB - most of the time I agree with you and to some extent I do on this thread too, but I think you are going just a little bit far. I agree that BG needs to be careful not to over-invest in the relationship until they have spent time together IRL. However, I do think it's entirely possible to have a connection with someone that you have only talked to on the phone, but shared a lot of yourself with, that makes you feel bad about having sex with someone else. They have opened themselves up to letting you into their life... then you shit on that, it doesn't make you feel good.

It may not be (well absolutely wouldn't be ) something you would do, but I don't think it makes him a whanger, nor her a needy, desparate drip.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 26/04/2011 10:58

suburbophobe - and?

Original poster

badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 11:01

.... is it that bad? We have been talking for months, not days.

Actually, i have no problem with that at all. No need to go down that road :)

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 26/04/2011 11:02

. Whatever. Blokey will probably be a malevolent short arsed slaphead who still lives with his mummy and has a spare room full of Star Wars toys anyway.

suburbophobe · 26/04/2011 11:05

Well, it's just not something I would be comfortable with before meeting the guy and we were already in a relationship IRL

(cos there's lots of weirdos out there! However good they may come across online).

Original poster

badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 11:06

Bye bye :)

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 26/04/2011 11:29

SGB - yes you never know - he might well be [bugrin] He may also be as nice as he sounds - life's a gamble isn't it.

LittleEasterHouse · 26/04/2011 11:53

life's a gamble isn't it.

Spot on Chipping

I am in such a similar position to badgirl but much more sanguine about whether it will work out. And I wouldn't dream of sexting a guy I haven't met as it would be such an embarrassment between us when we do eventually meet.

I am going for a meal with my Ex to mark a very significant anniversary, which I feel needs doing to keep things civil for the DC and the divorce. But it feels disloyal to the NM whom I haven't yet met. I know that is irrational and over-investing but the feelings are there. Weird!

But I shan't be having any nostalgia sex, the very idea makes my flesh creep! I am just acknowledging a very successful partnership resulting in our lovely DC and financial stability that gives us both the freedom to move on. I hope!

Original poster

badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 12:00

All the best LittleEasterHouse. I really hope things work out for you.

I suppose I am quite liberated in some ways and not at all bothered by sexy texts at all. It certainly hasn't made me nervous to meet him, if anything I think it has shown that his sex drive is on par with mine (and he is quite naughty, which I love personally).

I need a man that can make me go weak at the knees by saying something saucy - and he does :D Each to their own.

I know we'll laugh about it when we meet up :D

OP posts:

LittleEasterHouse · 26/04/2011 12:05

badgirl will you give us an update after you meet him? I have just four weeks to wait now.

Original poster

badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 12:08

Of course I will. It wouldn't be fair not to after all the great advice I have got on here :)

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 26/04/2011 12:13

Please please be careful of who you talk to online.

I met someone on eBay and we started talking online, then by text, then after three years by phone 14 to 20 hours a day.

We never met, he told me lie after lie, he caused me to have a nervous breakdown, I sold my car to appease him, I was suckered.

Don't tell this online guy anything, you aren't together until you meet, you may never meet.

Talking about it is one thing, doing it is something else. Until you meet him and decide if you want to continue a relationship with him you are single.

Original poster

badgirl101 · 26/04/2011 12:24

Thanks fabbychic, very good advice. As I said, he is a mod on the site and has been for years. I wont be waiting around for three years, nor will I be selling any possessions. Am sorry that happened to you. I get how charming these men can appear. x

OP posts:

LittleEasterHouse · 26/04/2011 12:27

14 to 20 hours a day???

How ever did you do that FabbyChic?
Sorry you got hurt [busad]

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