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Original poster

Is it normal to go to bed at different times?

69 replies

Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 11:17

Me and DP have been together for over 5 and a half years and lived together for nearly 3 years.

He has always been a 'night owl', whereas I have always been an 'early to bed, early to rise' sort of person.

The thing is, over time, it's got to the point where DP is going to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning every single night.

I miss going to bed with him, I miss the cuddles and I miss talking to him. We hardly ever have sex.

I work very long hours. He is at uni full time and has a weekend job so days together are rare.

He spends his evenings doing coursework or revising and then says he needs to relax and have fun so he plays a computer game for a few hours.

I thinks it's perfectly reasonable to want time to himself but surely this is excessive? Why isn't it fun or relaxing to come to bed with the woman he claims to love?

It affects him during the day too, as he is not getting enough sleep, he can't get out of bed in the morning.

We have 1 DS who often goes to his GP's on a friday night so we have the house to ourselves but he even chooses to spend those nights on the computer.

He says he doesn't see why it upsets me so much, that he obviously loves me, he just wants time to himself. I'd never stop him having time to himself, but this is too much, and I miss him.

I've told him all this and he doesn't answer me.

I am tired of feeling so rejected that I can't sleep for crying.

We are getting married in 4 weeks but what's the point in marrying someone when I'm alone every night anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:14

He is not a baby. He is 4.

I need him to come home now Sad

OP posts:
HSMM · 25/04/2011 21:14

Oh sorry ... my typing was so slow I missed the last few posts.

I am hoping he is just stressed about his exams, but you do really need to talk.

BestNameEver · 25/04/2011 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oakmaiden · 25/04/2011 21:15

Littlepurpleprincess - I am so sorry. This is horrible for you.

I was about to tell you how my husband and I live a very similar life, and rumble along OK (for 16 years now) but that really isn't going to help at all.

I think your partner is probably feeling very stressed at the moment. The last few weeks before uni exams (normally with loads of other uni deadlines all piled up too) are very horrible and stressful, and then to have a wedding a planned for a week later would surely be a reason for anyone to be stressed and panicky.

It sounds that apart from the going to bed at the same time issue things are good - and you have a baby together. I hope this is just a blip for you both, and he comes to his senses and realises that he is being completely mad.

2rebecca · 25/04/2011 21:17

Late night discussions about the future of a relationship aren't usually a good idea, especially if one or both of you has been drinking.
Leaving it until tomorrow and discussing things properly when not tired is more sensible, although I'm sure you won't sleep well tonight.

Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:18

I had no clue. He's my best friend. We never fight or row. I nag him sometimes. Neither of us are perfect. I can't imagine life without him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:19

I won't sleep. neither of us drink much btw. Our relationship is good. Honest. there is complete trust but he just pulled the rug from under my feet completely. I'm scared.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 25/04/2011 21:24

If he doesn't think of you in a sexual way and you are only 22 though it doesn't sound much of a basis for marriage. It sounds as though you have become more like brother and sister or mates rather than lovers, which sadly happens to alot of couples after having children. The adult-adult relationship gets ignored in favour of the adult-child one.
Things may be better when his exams are over, but it sounds as though the wedding will need cancelling and you'll both need to rebuild your sex life and possibly go to Relate if things are to work.

Oakmaiden · 25/04/2011 21:25

I really feel for you, LPP. You seem so shocked and confused. Have you got anyone "real life" you can call on to support you through this?

nometime · 25/04/2011 21:27

So sorry for you. Try not to worry too much, maybe the exams and a wedding all together have just tipped him over the edge. Hopefully now the door is open you can talk this through properly. Will his parents calm him down and talk to him do you think?

I really wouldn't worry about going to bed at different times. We are an owl and lark partnership and it has worked this way for 20 years.

Hope you manage to sort things.

Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:28

I phoned and he said he will come back now. I'm stunned. I didnt see it coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:30

I thought it was a small problem and he was being a bit thoughtless and I was being a bit demanding. I never thought he stopped loving me. what if we cant fix this?

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 25/04/2011 21:32

I hope you can sort things out LPP.

Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:34

I am terrified.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 25/04/2011 21:34

If you both want to fix it, then it can be fixed. It might take time, and it will take effort, but it can be done.

I think the fact he is coming back now to talk to you is a good sign. It sounds a lot like he has over-reacted to your attempt to discuss things with him earlier. I do wonder if he is feeling overwhelmed by everything right now, and it was easiest just to try to run away?

If you both agree you are going to try to sort this out, do you think he will agree to go to couple counselling or similar?

Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:38

Not sure. I hae no idea what he wants. He just kept saying that he doesn't know how he feels for me. I snapped and said that if he loved me he would know, but if he feels no hope then he could just fuck off. and he did. I couldn't get a straight answer from him

OP posts:
maundymoney · 25/04/2011 21:41

It seems that you are both very young and that the only thing that you have in common is your child. Believe that you can cancel the wedding 4 weeks before and only lose your deposit with the various people involved; e.g. venue, caterers, photographer, etc. Act quickly

Oakmaiden · 25/04/2011 21:42

Oh dear. :( He sounds very confused too.

When are you expecting to get home?

Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:43

That's not true maundymoney. We are two peas in a pod. why do you think I'm so fucking shocked?

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:43

bout 15mins oakmaiden.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:44

He just sent me a text saying "I'm an idiot and I love you".

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 25/04/2011 21:46

That sounds a lot better :)

If you start off from you both still love one another then you CAN sort this out.

Original poster
Littlepurpleprincess · 25/04/2011 21:47

Thankyou, you have been very kind to me X

OP posts:
HighlandTea · 25/04/2011 21:50

Hi, I am the night owl in my relationship. I leave home at 7:30am and get back at 7pm, by the time we have made dinner, eaten, tidied it up, put on some washing etc, I've washed my hair and all the other things that need doing in the evening I then want time where I am doing what I want to do.

If I work late, which could be anything from 10pm-midnight I will still come home and go on laptop or read etc because otherwise my day has been all work then I get up and start all over again and I feel like I've had no time 'off' We all unwind in different ways, my dp enjoys going to bed/having an early night/sleeping in general and would happily go to bed every night at 9pm! It winds me up that he will go to bed rather than spend time with me, yes going to bed together is nice but we are then sleeping (or at least he is!) rather than doing something together!

I am a 'there will be sleeping ebough in the grave' type of person. I sleep because I HAVE to but see it as time wasted when I can't be doing other things that I would rather do. It's not that I don't want to go to bed with dp but I don't want to sleep my life away!

Just thought the other side of the story may help.

I'm sure his exams are contributing to what's going on now though that doesn't mean you still don't need to deal with it now since your wedding is imminent. I can see how playing computer games help him relax and allow him 'me' time though when so much of his time is taken up with uni, work and studying. I think you need to accept that it's his way of relaxing/de stressing even if it's not the activity you choose. I'm also sure he'd rather spend that time with you if you were still up/awake.

Good luck

Oakmaiden · 25/04/2011 21:56

Highland tea is right, too. It may be that you just have to accept that when his workload is so high from uni that he just really NEEDS the late night time to unwind enough to sleep. Hopefully when his exams are over things can settle down and he won't feel the need for so many late nights.

I hope things go OK for you.