Is it normal to go to bed at different times?

[Littlepurpleprincess]

Me and DP have been together for over 5 and a half years and lived together for nearly 3 years.

He has always been a 'night owl', whereas I have always been an 'early to bed, early to rise' sort of person.

The thing is, over time, it's got to the point where DP is going to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning every single night.

I miss going to bed with him, I miss the cuddles and I miss talking to him. We hardly ever have sex.

I work very long hours. He is at uni full time and has a weekend job so days together are rare.

He spends his evenings doing coursework or revising and then says he needs to relax and have fun so he plays a computer game for a few hours.

I thinks it's perfectly reasonable to want time to himself but surely this is excessive? Why isn't it fun or relaxing to come to bed with the woman he claims to love?

It affects him during the day too, as he is not getting enough sleep, he can't get out of bed in the morning.

We have 1 DS who often goes to his GP's on a friday night so we have the house to ourselves but he even chooses to spend those nights on the computer.

He says he doesn't see why it upsets me so much, that he obviously loves me, he just wants time to himself. I'd never stop him having time to himself, but this is too much, and I miss him.

I've told him all this and he doesn't answer me.

I am tired of feeling so rejected that I can't sleep for crying.

We are getting married in 4 weeks but what's the point in marrying someone when I'm alone every night anyway?

Language! You're both too young to get married! Trust me! "Two peas in a pod?" Lol

Maundymoney - I know you are probably being light-hearted with your last comment, but I'm not sure how helpful that is?

They are both young to get married, but then lots of people do get married young and live happily ever after. I have been with my dh since I was 19, married since I was 21 (and am now... um, a lot older...) and whilst my marriage isn't perfect, it is still very good. I don't really think there is such a thing as a perfect marriage anyway - I think there are always things that you have to work on....

You sound very patronising, maundymoney.

The OP has a child with this man and loves him. This has been a shock to her. Can't you understand that?

Go back to the original post - the poor girl is uncertain, worried and in a huge dilemma! No-one should get married in this confused state! He doesn't sound as if he deserves her love

Maundy - everyone has bumps in their relationships which need to be smoothed over/negotiated. It doesn't mean the relationship is doomed, it is just life.

LPP I am glad things are looking up. I'm off to my own bed now - alone, as my husband will be up playing Battlefield for at least the next 2 hours....

It's hard to believe you are 2 peas in a pod though if he enjoys playing computer games for hours every night and you don't, and if you haven't had sex much for about 4 years, and have been crying yourself to sleep for a while. You don't need to be the same for a marriage to work. You do have to fancy each other though, and want to spend time in each others company.
It's great he's come back but this should be the beginning of sorting things out, not the end of it. Feeling "he's said he loves me so everything is OK now" won't help sort things out.

I haven't read beyond the OP (sorry, it's late) but you're not alone.

Me and my dh of 14 years don't go to bed at the same time. I am also an early bird and he is a night owl. I go up around 11 if not before and it's unusual for him to come to bed before 2-3am. He works too, so it's not that he can sleep all day.

I used to worry about it, but seeing as how we're still married after all this time just tells me that it's not a big deal.

Sex? it happens. Not at bedtime, that's for sure, but we find the time.

I find it hard to get to sleep if he comes to bed before I'm asleep now, I like to starfish it's his problem if he has to try and find room in the bed when he does eventually decide to sleep. He'd better not bloody wake me up by moving me, either

As for cuddles, we have them on the sofa when watching the telly, or for a couple of minutes when we pass each other (in the kitchen, usually).

BUT! If it bothers you and you think it's going to be a cause of resentment for you, you have to talk to him about it and come to some kind of compromise, otherwise you're setting yourself up for a fall.

Good luck!

But we are 'two peas in a pod'. I've mentioned one difference. Our similarities way outnumber our differences!

I never once said that we didn't fancy each other either. People are making assumptions and that is not helpful.

He has apologised. He said he does love me and wants to sort things out, and he definately does want to marry me.

He said that things piled up on top of him and he panicked and said something stupid. He spent a grand total of 4 hours away then missed me and wanted to come home.

The bedtime issue is not going away. I'm not daft, but he accepts now why it hurts me and we have agreed to spend time together and get this sorted. I have also realised that our time together does not have to be a night, all night.

I'm glad he has returned home and realised that he does love you and wants to stay.

I am in a similar situation with my DH. He is very much a night owl. Never goes to bed before 1am, very often goes to bed at 2 or 3am and is terrible in the mornings.
I am up early and go to bed usually 10pm!

We work this well between us though because between kids going to bed at 7pm ish and when I go to bed at 10pm, DH will spend his time with me doing whatever we both want to do - having a meal, watching a film, playing a game, talking, having sex etc.
After I go to bed is his time to work for a couple of hours and then play computer games etc.

Perhaps you could come to a similar compromise with your DP?
At the moment he probably thinks you want him to be in bed early every night (and that would be like someone saying to you that you have to go to bed at 6pm every night!)
Suggest to him that 7pm to 10pm is 'your time' as a couple, then when you go to bed he can do course work for 3 hours or however long he needs and still have an hour or two spare every night for games to unwind.

this is an adult forum. why are you telling tales on me?

I've had enough of that patronising attitude in my lifetime and in my experience the way to deal with it is to be blunt. She basically saw someone who was great emotional distress and poked them with a stick. I was offended and told her where to go. Get over it.

Sounds like there are more than just the sleep issue in this relationship. Good luck

We know Bennifer. Thanks for the luck.

I hope I didn't make it sounds so bad. I was just so shocked last night. Really, we are very close. We rarely argue. This problem has just been building, and everything came all at once and got blown all out of proportion.

Because it's against the talk board guidelines, that's why. Swearing is fine. Swearing at people is not.

I'd be worried by the lack of sex, that's a major issue at such a young age. It could well be that you're just not compatible in that area. You read so much on here of married couples in their 30s and 40s struggling with that

I've already said though, that was MY issues not his, and I don't actually feel like that anymore. We need to break our bad habits. It is so different now. I enjoy it everytime, in the past I didn't, but I know what caused that and I've dealt with it.

I also don't think that it is anywhere near the most important thing. It's very nice, but we don't need to be at it every night for me to feel loved. I need his time, and he has promised to give me that.

Once again, I'm going to say thankyou for kind advice and listening to me yesturday. I am very grateful. But I'm going to hide to this thread now, as I would like to move forward.

Ta much.