Is it normal to go to bed at different times?

[Littlepurpleprincess]

Me and DP have been together for over 5 and a half years and lived together for nearly 3 years.

He has always been a 'night owl', whereas I have always been an 'early to bed, early to rise' sort of person.

The thing is, over time, it's got to the point where DP is going to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning every single night.

I miss going to bed with him, I miss the cuddles and I miss talking to him. We hardly ever have sex.

I work very long hours. He is at uni full time and has a weekend job so days together are rare.

He spends his evenings doing coursework or revising and then says he needs to relax and have fun so he plays a computer game for a few hours.

I thinks it's perfectly reasonable to want time to himself but surely this is excessive? Why isn't it fun or relaxing to come to bed with the woman he claims to love?

It affects him during the day too, as he is not getting enough sleep, he can't get out of bed in the morning.

We have 1 DS who often goes to his GP's on a friday night so we have the house to ourselves but he even chooses to spend those nights on the computer.

He says he doesn't see why it upsets me so much, that he obviously loves me, he just wants time to himself. I'd never stop him having time to himself, but this is too much, and I miss him.

I've told him all this and he doesn't answer me.

I am tired of feeling so rejected that I can't sleep for crying.

We are getting married in 4 weeks but what's the point in marrying someone when I'm alone every night anyway?

If you find the answer let me know.

My dh frequently works till 2/3am, but it doesn't bother me that much as we have the evening (7pm till 11pm) together then I go to bed and he starts work.

It's a bad habit b ut one which is very difficult to break.

It is normal to go to bed at different times. It is NOT normal however, to not spend any time with your partner. During the normal course of a week, it might be the case that you are both too busy to spend much time together. However, the Friday night issue needs looking at.

Could you suggest that some Friday nights, maybe once a month, should be a date night? Even if you can't afford to go out, you could cook a special meal, rent a DVD, plan some intimate time.

He does seem to have got into a bad habit of going to bed too late however, which is affecting his ability to function normally in the daytime. His lack of interest in sex is worrying too. Could he be depressed? Suffering from insomnia?

Just re-read your OP and I wonder if you should discuss the possibility of postponing the wedding until this issue is sorted. You sound very lonely. He doesn't seem to care how much this is hurting you. Are you sure you should be getting married right now?

My husband likes staying up later but I need my sleep more. Im lazy so what we usually do is he comes in we talk, shag and then he gets back up to the computer or telly. If its a night we dont have sex he puts me to bed. That sounds lame but all I mean is he comes and talks me in and talks to me and hugs me before bed every night.

Hmmm...is going to bed late and getting up late a way to avoid housework? Somehow, it is acceptable to play computer games late at night, but I bet when you get up earlier than him it is to clear up, take the bins out, get breakfast for DS, put a wash on etc and that he misses out on all that with the handy excuse of being tired "because he went to bed late".

Don't marry him just yet, until you see if you can sort this out. Change your wedding party into just a party if you can and explain to him that you need more time.

Your DP should get up earlier and start his studying earlier so that he can finish in time to have a couple of evenings a week to spend with you, and you can then go to bed together - i am guessing that if you work then your hours are not flexible enough for you to change the other way (ie for YOU to start going to bed as 2am and getting up late in the morning?)

It is lonelier being married and solitary, than being on your own properly, because it is MUCH harder to forge a social life if others perceive you as part of a couple.

I wouldn't marry someone who chose to go to bed at a different time to me. If we had to go to bed at different times due to work I'd want my own bedroom.
It sounds as though your partner is avoiding you and the lack of sex and intimacy and lack of sharing housework would put me off marrying this guy.
You sound more like flatmates than a couple.

I don't have much choice about post-poning the wedding, it's all booked, the money has been spent. We are both 100% sure we want to get married and we can't afford to do it all over again. However, this needs dealing with. I think it is insomia. I've asked him to go to the doctors but he says no becasue he doesn't want sleeping pills. I also think he may be addicted to the computer game. It's his way of socailising, and his friends are all on at that time of night. They however, do not have their own families yet, and they are not balancing doing a degree and holding down a job all at the same time along with it.

I don't see why he can't play the game one night a week, or a for one hour at a time and then leave it behind and come to bed. Why does he feel it has to be all or nothing?

My dh frequently works till 2/3am, but it doesn't bother me that much as we have the evening (7pm till 11pm) together then I go to bed and he starts work.

This wouldn't bother me, but DP does his coursework 7 till 11pm, then plays the game till 2/3am. I don't get a look in. And it's every single night.

noodle69 That is what we have been doing, he tucks me in, which is lovely but we don't talk anymore at that time, and we don't have sex. It's like he is doing it because he has to, and all he wants to do is get back the computer game.

noodle69 thats lovely

Dp and I go to bed about same time most nights, cuddle, watch TV etc etc; its a time we have alone without the kids.

With my late H we kept different hours and I used to go to bed to avoid him and co-sleep with the kids.

You need to address this now usually these things don't get better. There is more to life than computer games, I can understand a kid playing for hours every night, even though its not healthy - but not a grown man

btw I am a registered childminder. I work 7:30am til 6pm, 5 days a week, plus training/ paperwork and network meetings in the evenings.

Littepurpleprincess - Why when he doesnt took you in do you not have sex? We have sex usually about 3/4 times a week but sometimes he gets back up after sometimes not. He justs says he likes having time on the computer/telly as he has to work all day and I have a lot more free time than him. I agree thats fine as he doesnt get in til 7 a lot of nights whereas I have been doing me own thing all afternoon.

I dont think different bedtimes is a problem but it is a problem if you dont have sex/talk. DO you think he might be addicted and it be getting a bit out of control?

Had similar problem with my XP - he was actually looking at porn and masturbating. It made me extremely unhappy but he couldn't stop.

Yes Noodle, that's exactly what I think. I have no doubt that he loves me and will do anything for me. It hurts because at the moment, if he spends time with me, his mind is still else where. I am worried about him. He is my best friend, and my family all in one.

How do I make him see sense?

He has gone to see his Dad today, without me, I think he wants to talk to him about it, and I hope his Dad sees it for what it is and says the same as me. Maybe it will sink in then?

Sex is another issue really. I fell pregnant with DS very quickly into the relationship (he was unplanned). We were only 17. Sex when pregnant is not good. Sex with a new baby is not good. I got into bad habits and always said no. That was definately my problem, however, he says he would like to everyday, and I've outgrown my issues and agree wholeheartedly , but now if I suggest it, he says no, and he's not there in bed anyway so when can we? And even if we do, he doesn't fall asleep with me afterwards, he goes back on the computer! Hardly romantic is it?

I forgot to mention he has BIG IMPORTANT exams coming up. He is VERY anxious about them and the closer we get to the exams, the more distant from me he is.

His exams finish in 3 weeks time, and after that he will have no studying to do until september. He has also said he wants absolutely NO computers/mobile phones/ipods etc while on honeymoon. Is this a good sign?

I do think that when the pressure of the exams and the wedding day is gone, things will be better, and for the first time EVER we are going on holiday together, without DS. i can't wait.

I am quite certain that he is not doing that maundymoney. TBH I can't see how that comment is helpful .

Night owl and early bird here too. My DH has never felt tired until 2 or 3 in the am even when his work has meant his getting up at 7am. I got fed up with never having him in bed with me at "bedtime" so I learnt to seduce him; making love on the rug often made him sleepy enough (or randy enough) to then come to bed with me. If he didn't and still wanted to stay up late then at least I was happy and relaxed enough to go to bed alone.

I'm a morning person. I'm one of those saddos who are queued up for Asda to open at 7am.

DP stays up late watching TV. I very rarely watch any TV at all so am often in bed with a book long before him or the DCs.

It works. It's worked for 18 years. It sounds weird but that's how we live.

I trust that he is not looking at porn. He is playing a game called Left for Dead.

We tried to sort it out today btw. He left me.

Dh and I always go to bed together - unless he has to work really early the next day and wants to go to bed at 9. We always spend our evenings together and go to bed together. Otherwise we have no alone time and I can't imagine being as close or having sex very often. A few years ago dh also got addicted to a computer game - after a couple of months I lost it and told him how unhappy and lonely I was. He stopped and has never played again.

Oh no just read your last post - what happened?!

He said that he felt he wasn't good enough for me and can't make me happy. He said that he is not sure he loves me that way anymore. He has gone to parents for the night and will come back and talk tomorrow.

I didn't know I could hurt this much.

Do you think that he is panicked about the wedding. Like it's cold feet? Or am I clutching at straws here?

I'm so sorry he's left you.

I was going to come on and say that in my opinion, regularly going to bed at different times is usually a really bad sign. It means you're not in sync with your days or your nights. It's obvious that most people who are up really late at night either want to stay in bed late or do stay in bed late.

I hope everything goes well for you. I know how bad you must feel; I've gone through this myself.

Someone not fancying you any more before your wedding is definitely bad news. Really horrible for you, but if this is really how he feels then you shouldn't get married. Long planned big weddings can mean some people end up marrying who have grown apart in the months before the wedding but don't like to admit it because of the expense.
I would halt things at the moment. If you decide you do want to be together and get married you can book the registry office and tell everyone afterwards.
Presuming it is "the wedding" and things will be OK afterwards is just a recipe for misery.
At least he's had the guts to tell you rather than continuing to hide on his computer.
As you have a baby together the wedding is a bit irrelevent anyway, you'll still have to see each other long term. Hope you are not reliant on him financially.

We're an owl and lark partnership too. If DH (of 20 yrs) has forgotten to come and say goodnight, I sometimes pop downstairs and 'surprise him' and then go back to bed. He usually remembers me after that . He likes a lie in at the weekends, but doesn't object to being woken. It's not that he doesn't care, just that he doesn't think. After 20 yrs, we feel comfortable to each settle into our own routines.

I am a CM too (and so is DH). He doesn't have to appear in the morning until I have reached my limit of children and a few of them don't arrive til 0930, so that's when he comes down.

We always make a point of making time to talk about our relationship, so any issues can be ironed out. Can you find a time to talk when one of you is not tired. I know I was horrible to live with just before my exams a couple of years ago, so maybe wait til after then.