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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

will my daughter and my partner ever be friends?

79 replies

MindiMoo · 25/04/2011 00:07

i have a 12 yr old, beautiful, daughter who is my only child. He father and I parted when she was four. Since she was 5 we have lived with my partner who has never been married, nor had any kids. Although I love him dearly, and he is always there for me and my daughter, there is something missing. Basically, he feels nothing for my daughter. He picks on her and makes arguments out of nothing that leave her frustrated, tearful and confused. If I step in to 'referee', world war three breaks out and he sulks for a week. It can't continue like this, but I am torn between them both. There are times when it is harmonious, but this is pretty rare. I try to reassure my daughter that my partner is not a natural parent, and that I know she is a good kid who does not deserve such a hard time from him, but these words feel hollow. My biggest fear is when she is older she will tell me how wretched life was as a youngster and I did nothing to help her. Any advice out there?

OP posts:

millie30 · 25/04/2011 00:21

My God, why would you live with someone who treats your daughter like that? After 7 years he feels nothing for her? I could maybe understand the difficult dynamic if he'd just moved in and she was a stroppy teenager, but he's lived with you since she was 5!! Have you spoken to him about his behaviour? I don't mean to sound harsh but I think you are right to be worried about how she may react when she is older, she may well feel that you ignored her feelings and alllowed her to be bullied.

Incidentally, how can you "dearly love" a man who treats your daughter like crap?

atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 00:45

I wouldn't live with him. How can you do that to your daughter? Don't you think she deserves to live with people who love her?

And what millie says - how can you love someone who treats your daughter like that?

That poor girl. Think of her, will you?

MollieO · 25/04/2011 00:46

You've made most of her childhood a misery. Another 4 years probably won't matter. Is that what you're hoping to hear?

Surely as her mother you should be loving and protecting your dd? It sounds like you are doing neither and are more concerned about your own feelings than your dd's.

Hopefully someone will come along with advice as I'm speechless that you could have inflicted this behaviour on your dd for 7 years and seemingly have no real intention of changing it.

Tortington · 25/04/2011 01:15

if your daughter was 17 - then maybe i would be more sympathetic to you having a life with your partner as she is about to embark on hers.

but i have to agree with the other posts - your child comes first - there are no ifs and buts and if you allow this - your really shitty

DioneTheDiabolist · 25/04/2011 01:20

If you love your partner and love your daughter, get them together in family counselling. Have them communicate. And communicate with them.

annielouisa · 25/04/2011 01:34

This makes me feel sad and quite angry. How could you have stuck by a man who has obviously resented your DD and gone out of his way to make her life misery. I hope this poor child does not carry this skewed vision of the way a mother should treat her children into her relationships.

I have been a single parent and put my DC first, I am now happily married and we put all our DC first (6 of them). We have our lives together now as our youngest is now 22. Prior to meeting my DH when I was 37 I had ended a relationship with an unsuitable man because of her behaviour towards my DD1 and DD2.

If you cannot end this relationship then maybe as soon as she is old enough your DD will take herself to a safer place and you and this beastly man will not have to worry about her.

antsypants · 25/04/2011 02:03

Well, your worst fear is inevitable because by the sounds of it her childhood so far has been shitty, and that is your responsibility. The only chance you have now is to tell this man to get out of your lives, stop thinking about yourself, and start making up for the last seven years he has been behaving this way towards her.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but I don't know what else you would expect, mental cruelty is just as damaging if not more so at times, than any other form of abuse, and a grown man playing power games with a little girl is just a sick and twisted dynamic to be allowing.

Sort yourself out unless you want your daughter to really think that you value him above her.

Whatawaste · 25/04/2011 02:27

How sad you let it happen for so long.

Remember that poor girl who went missing in Wiltshire years ago and was found dead....she went off the rails at 15 mixing with the wrong people, drugs etc...she was 15 the year that her mum got remarried....coincidence?

EttiKetti · 25/04/2011 07:07

No, I don't believe it can and this is horrendous as its you as ADULTS that as the cause - in our case, there is no relationship between DD and DH but its all my DDs doing, she has treated him despicably, not since day one though, it was harmonious from about aged 6-10, awful for the 7 years since......and at 17, there is no love lost between them BUT he has tried and tried and tried. Which is what made me/us stick with it.

Sorry but I can't see how it can improve, he is clearly not willing or able to do it and your daughter is suffering.

exoticfruits · 25/04/2011 07:53

My rule is 'love me love my DC' -and he would have to go. As an adult you can deal with the heartbreak-your DD doesn't deserve to live in a house where she isn't loved.
He is putting up with her, if given the choice he would have you and not her and so he doesn't deserve her.

juneau · 25/04/2011 08:02

How horrible for your daughter to be growing up with a man in the house who clearly doesn't want her around. I feel really sad for her reading what you've written. You need to get rid of him if he can't accept that you and your daughter are a package and you need to start prioritising your daughter. You chose to have her - she didn't choose to be born - and you have a responsibility to give her the best upbringing you can. And that doesn't mean living with a man who wants her mother, but not her.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/04/2011 08:19

There's a massive difference between feeling nothing for her and actively picking on her; between "something missing", as you put it at the beginning, and something nasty added. There are lots of people in my life who I don't have an emotional connection to and yet I wouldn't feel the need to be unpleasant to them, especially if we had to share a house. He can't help how he feels but he sure can help how he behaves.

I'd call time on the sniping and say once and for all that the last time he had a go at her was exactly that, the LAST time. Zero tolerance from now on for this blowing arguments up with a child. Never mind whether he sees it as undermining, you putting her before him, disrespect, whatever. The bottom line is HE DOES NOT TREAT YOUR CHILD LIKE THIS. Any more. Ever.

You love your girl, don't you? So you should. You have the right and duty to stand up for her.

One last word, because this annoyed me although maybe I'm just nitpicking about the way it's worded. "My biggest fear is when she is older she will tell me how wretched life was as a youngster and I did nothing to help her"... should not your greatest fear be that her life is wretched right now, not who she might blame in the future?

MarioandLuigi · 25/04/2011 08:28

My advice would be to get rid of him - how horrid for your daughter that you have let this go on for so long.

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 25/04/2011 08:31

What almost everyone else said. How could you have let him pick on her since the age of 5? What kind of a mother are you? Ditch him and do all you can to apologise to her. He doesn't deserve a family.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 25/04/2011 08:38

MindMoo it's not too late.....she's only 12. Just heading into her teens....those could be some of the hardest years and you need to put her first at last.

She has for 7 years lived with a man who has in your own words confused, frustrated and made her cry. This is awful.

You have not put her first which as her parent is your job....it is time to get rid of this man.

Bonsoir · 25/04/2011 08:41

You cannot engineer love between stepparent and stepchild. I have a strong preference for one stepchild over another and it only increases as they both get older and their personalities are more defined.

LadyInTheRadiat0r · 25/04/2011 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/04/2011 08:42

Generally, I think, people here are struggling to see how you could continue to be so fond of a man who you see is capable of acting so pettily towards a child, and not just any child, yours, who you say yourself is a good kid and doesn't deserve it. It surely says something very unpleasant about the kind of person he is.

noddyholder · 25/04/2011 08:49

You need to leave him. I had a builder on a job v recently like your dp. He would talk about his partner and how great she was but absolutely hated her dd. This girl was about 14 I think and he had been with her mum years I said very little as I just didn't want to get involved with him but did try and say my bit. After about 3 weeks he came in one day and said she had kicked him out and it was all about the dd etc etc. At that point I said I agreed with her and tried to make him 'see' but from what I can gather he didn't try and repair things and has already got another partner!

stillthinking · 25/04/2011 08:49

Perhaps you also need to ask yourself, does this man really love me? I have a 12 year old and a new partner who lives with me. If I am honest I would say i dont think either of them love one another. However DP treats my son with care and respect at all times and makes a real effort for them to develop a friendship, he does all this because firstly he loves me and seccondly understands that he affects my sons life and he wouldn't want to have a negitive impact on any child.
My relationship is far from perfect but mistreating my son would be a deal breaker every single time.

noddyholder · 25/04/2011 08:50

Also I would put money on her blossoming as a person if he goes. She will feel worth and an importance in your life which is sadly lacking now

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/04/2011 08:51

Is this an adult picking on a child or a case of PFB?

not enough information

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 25/04/2011 08:54

Where are you MindiMoo? You have had some hard comments but people can be helpful here...

pink4ever · 25/04/2011 08:58

I was your daughter. My mother met a new partner when I was 8.Both my sister and I(and indeed most of the family) disliked him from the off but my mum refused to listen.He proceeded to make our lives miserable for the next 8 years.After a brief period of living with them where I was physically and emotionally abused I went home to my gps.I was so lucky to have them.

I still have major issues now as an adult due to the choices my mother made and the way I was treated. Please do not do this to your daughter. You mention how do I choose?.There is no choice to make-your daughter is your flesh and blood.Get rid of this horrible man.NOW.

TheGashlycrumbTinies · 25/04/2011 08:59

I'm sorry but how can you be torn between you daughter, and a man who treats her in this way. Surely your daughter deserves better?

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