will my daughter and my partner ever be friends?

[MindiMoo]

i have a 12 yr old, beautiful, daughter who is my only child. He father and I parted when she was four. Since she was 5 we have lived with my partner who has never been married, nor had any kids. Although I love him dearly, and he is always there for me and my daughter, there is something missing. Basically, he feels nothing for my daughter. He picks on her and makes arguments out of nothing that leave her frustrated, tearful and confused. If I step in to 'referee', world war three breaks out and he sulks for a week. It can't continue like this, but I am torn between them both. There are times when it is harmonious, but this is pretty rare. I try to reassure my daughter that my partner is not a natural parent, and that I know she is a good kid who does not deserve such a hard time from him, but these words feel hollow. My biggest fear is when she is older she will tell me how wretched life was as a youngster and I did nothing to help her. Any advice out there?

You shouldn't feel torn between them. The man is unkind to your child, you should despise him. It looks very much like far from being torn, you've made your choice. And you chose him. Don't be surprised if your daughter leaves home as soon as she is able and only calls you at Christmas.

BoneyBack, I think this sentence from the OP answers your question: "If I step in to 'referee', world war three breaks out and he sulks for a week."

A man who sulks for a week about anything is not a man at all, he's a child himself.

Your 'dp' is emotionally abusing your dd and you are complicit in this. You need to step up and take responsibility for your actions in allowing this behaviour towards your child.

Your right to be worried about your dd resenting you when she's older. She'll blame you for not protecting her and putting her first. My own mother did this to me and my siblings, now she is desperate for a normal family relationship with us, and none of us are interested. She won't know the joy of her grandchildren, or be helped when she's older.

You need to wake up tbh, and save your relationship with your daughter, there's more at stake than just your relationship with your partner. What relationship will you expect with her when she finally leaves after living in an abusive home for years? You've also set a very poor role model in relationships and as a mother to her, which she may think is normal - and it's not. Why have you accepted this treatment for yourself?

I would not be living with a man who treated my DD like that.

Sorry.

I could neither love nor respect someone who couldn't treat my daughter with love and respect themselves. I'm amazed this has gone on so long, and that you're still there.

You're torn between your child and your partner? Who bullies her?

Well. If you haven't figured out what to do about that in 7 years, then yes, your daughter will very probably resent you for it. I would.

My biggest fear is when she is older she will tell me how wretched life was as a youngster and I did nothing to help her

Yup spot on. You are chosing this man over her every time you allow him to abuse her.

You read stories in the paper of men who abused/killed children while the mother stood by and did nothing (or visa versa) this could be you.

You have already allowed him to emotionally abuse her for years.

You are teaching her that any selfish wanker of a man is worth more than she will ever be. She will end up in abusive relationship because you showed her what she is worth.

I think the OP has had a it of a shock. Whch is why they've not been back.

'You are teaching her that any selfish wanker of a man is worth more than she will ever be. She will end up in abusive relationship because you showed her what she is worth.'

couldn't agree more, and one of the fundamental things as a parent is to give our children a good basis for sound self esteem and confidence. it's a basic right for a child.

oh and also you step in & he sulks - yep that's controlling and manipulative on his part. The words are hollow all the time you don't act on it - it doesn't matter if he's not a natural parent what matters is you admitting she's a good kid who doesn't deserve such a hard time. honestly. Quite honestly he also sounds very very jealous of your daughter - and when you add those 3 things up....

Jealous, manipulative & controlling doesn't paint a good picture of him at all - you probably know this already thou but I imagine (hope in some ways) he's chipped away at your own confidence otherwise what other reason would you stand by and watch this?

You ask 'Will they ever be friends?' as if it is an equal relationship.

It is not. He is an adult who is bullying and picking on her, making her life in her own home uncomfortable and miserable. She doesn't have the option of 'getting on' with him! He is in the driving seat and he has treated her badly, instead of fostering love and security in a little girl who was only FIVE when she met him. He has made the situation such that she dislikes him and probably FEARS him. How can you ask if they'll ever be friends? Can't you see the wrongness of that statement? Can't you see how you are trying subconsciously to lift the blame from him for this situation?

Because she is a child, she won't even have the perspective which would give her the comfort of knowing that things won't always be like this. Imagine how she must feel.

This is the man he is, if he has treated her like this for so long. It is almost inconceviable that he would really be able to change, and anyway - the damage is done. Your daughter must dislike him vehemently at some level. Would you like to share your home with an unrelated man who you disliked and who treated you horribly?

You are right to worry that she will feel let down by you as an adult, though it says a lot that this is your 'biggest' fear - what, your biggest fear is about YOU, not HER? You would be better worrying about how her life must be now, and what kind of person she will grow into as a result of this treatment. You can't undo it later.

I don't understand why you haven't left, because I honestly cannot imagine having anything other than hatred towards a person who treated my child badly, for no other reason than that they could. Horrible. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I'll repeat - she was FIVE when he came into her life. A good man would by now have been her beloved Daddy.

Get help if you need it to get rid of him, for both your sakes. It sounds like you can't imagine doing this, or you wouldn't have asked the question you did. That's not right. Your daughter should be coming first, no questions. Why isn't she? What are you afraid of - being alone? Finances? Are you mistakenly thinking that even a bad Daddy figure is better than none? Think about this and do something NOW before you lose your daughter as a teen.

Your post really touched me. I am your daughter 40 years on....

My own mother put her boyfriends and her needs before me throughout my childhood. From the age of 16, I had 20 years of abusive relationships constantly looking for the unconditional love and support my own mother denied me. She taught me that my needs come second to everyone else; other people deserve happiness but I don't.

My mother's choices of putting herself before me ensured that I had a truly miserable childhood and I still suffer every single day because of it.

She had lots of hollow words for me as well, but even as a child I could see right through them.

Do the right thing for your daughter NOW, it's not too late. Actions speak louder than words.

I no longer have ANY contact with my 'mother'. And she still wonders why...

Children between 5 and 10 years old are adorable ime and usually you can form a relationship with them and build good memories (cinema trips, iceskating ) much easier than teenagers. If your partner hasn't manage to get on with your dd all those years i think he wont manage it now that she is almost teenager, sorry.

I agree with others that if he doesn't like your dd then this should be a deal breaker. As for him sulking for a week, he sounds like boring idiot tbh.

Even if you want to see this from a selfish point ok in few years your dd will be 16, she can leave and never speak to you again, and your immature man can find someone else and leave you, and you can end up completely alone and very sad and regretful.

Ok what hapened happened. No point flaming you for the past. Maybe you were in love, maybe you felt weak,...You 've tried all those years, you hoped it will get better. But now you know it doesn't get better and it is affecting your dd's present and future. No man worth this sacrifice.

Why have you stood by whilst he's bullied your daughter all these years?

Is a relationship with a man really worth damaging your daughter's childhood so much?

If I step in to 'referee', world war three breaks out and he sulks for a week. It can't continue like this, but I am torn between them both.

Your poor poor DD. CHOICE - There really shouldn't be a choice to make here. Your DD is far more important than your DP.
She has had an awful 7 years with this man--don't put her through another minute of this treatment. This is her childhood we are talking about.
7 awful years. You should be protecting your DD -get rid of this so called DP
You and your DD came as a package which obviously he could not accept.
Your DD deserves better than what she has had so far.
MY heart goes out to your DD

OP i just wanted to add that i feel for you too. Don't feel that we are having a go at you. Maybe you felt that is better to be in a relationship even if its hard work? Maybe you were trying to create a family unit because you thought it is for the best? Whatever we say society does give these messages. Nobody here is angry with you. If you didn't care you wouldn't have posted.

I'm sorry, but it just doesn't sound right.

I could also be your daughter, my mother lived with someone who "didn't get" children for five years from 5-10. He was a nasty bully. I'm 37 now and he's the only person I could wish real harm.

I hate to say it but I went off the rails in a BIG fashion aged 13 (my mum had remarried a nice guy by then but it was too late).

I moved out aged 15 and only began to have a relationship with my mum again when I was 29, she had suffered a heart attack and I felt I should forgive her.

I hope you can work on your relationship with your daughter without this guy, before she hits her teens and all hell breaks loose.

Come back OP. You are clearly very worried about this - it's clear you have your daughter's wellbeing in your mind. The responses here all arise from worry at your daughter's situation - intended to make you act, but probably right now coming over as just criticism. Many people on here have first hand experience of how difficult it is to leave a relationship AND how hard it can be to see a situation clearly when you're on the 'inside'. You've taken the first step - very brave. Many don't. Please don't be afraid to come back and talk futher - you will get support and good advice.

It isn't criticism-it is very easy to get into the situation and hope that it will improve. The very fact that you asked shows that you are bothered. How much time do they spend doing things alone, without you? How do his parents and extended family treat her? Is she part of their family?

I would sit down with him when you are both calm. Tell him that it isn't working-you and DD are package and he doesn't get one and have to 'put up' with the other. He has to get to know her, take her out alone, play games with her etc etc. If he isn't willing to get to know her and have a proper relationship (I was pehaps a bit strong saying 'love me love my DC'-it takes time) then you will part. Leave him in no doubt that your DD and her happiness come first. One you have a DC they come first.

Choose her.

What Tethers said

OP, you may well be stung by the force and solidarity of the reaction to your post. I do agree that you should put your daughter first and that the guy (with his sulking etc) is little more than a child himself. Appreciate, though, that you love them both and that you are so bound up in the situation that it is difficult to see clearly. You may need his love (if, indeed, he truly loves anyone but himself) but she needs yours more. Your daughter deserves to look back and see that you did your best in this situation for her.

My friend's mother's partner was like this - she used to cry at the end of each term (uni) because she had to go home. She also ended up with a borderline eating disorder. In the end she got a job abroad and hardly ever sees her mum.

My Mum lived with a 'man' who treated me in a very similar way from the age of 7 until I was 16. I felt like she always put him first and once I reached my early teens began to hate both her & him for it. As I got older he & I antagonised each other more and more, and when I was 15 he was physically violent towards me. I'm not saying that that might happen in your situation - that's not my point. To be honest, my relationship with my mother was ruined a long time before that happened. She finally left when I was 16, but our relationship was irreparable as far as I was concerned. She's apologised since but I just can't bring myself to forgive her for allowing that Wanker to impact on my childhood so much. I spent so many years either trying desperately to make him 'like' me, and not understanding why he was so mean, or desperately wishing my Mum would realise how unhappy he made and that she would 'fix it'.

You have lived with this man for 7 years, and you say he "feels nothing for her" and appears to gain satisfaction from winding her up to the point of tears/frustration.

You know that biggest fear you mentioned? Honestly, that would be one of the better outcomes - at least she'd still be talking to you.

If this man can't step up and show some respect towards your daughter and try to nurture a relationship with her, then he needs to go. Choose your daughter - she deserves to come first.

my mother put her boyfriend before me, like pink4ever i too had wonderful gps. its has effected most of my life and only through lots of soul searching, unnecessary heartache through crap controlling relationships (learnt behaviour) and counselling can i feel i have moved on. do not let you daughter be posting something similar in years to come

move on from this horrible man your daughter must be utterly miserable, she has no choice or control in this situation you do and you can make both your lives much happier and secure doesn't she deserve that?

Kick him out. He's appalling. You need to put your daughter first. She doesn't get a second chance at childhood, and he's ruining it for her. Don't let him.