will my daughter and my partner ever be friends?

[MindiMoo]

i have a 12 yr old, beautiful, daughter who is my only child. He father and I parted when she was four. Since she was 5 we have lived with my partner who has never been married, nor had any kids. Although I love him dearly, and he is always there for me and my daughter, there is something missing. Basically, he feels nothing for my daughter. He picks on her and makes arguments out of nothing that leave her frustrated, tearful and confused. If I step in to 'referee', world war three breaks out and he sulks for a week. It can't continue like this, but I am torn between them both. There are times when it is harmonious, but this is pretty rare. I try to reassure my daughter that my partner is not a natural parent, and that I know she is a good kid who does not deserve such a hard time from him, but these words feel hollow. My biggest fear is when she is older she will tell me how wretched life was as a youngster and I did nothing to help her. Any advice out there?

What a horrible , bullying nasty bastard .

It sounds like he emotionally abuses you both , ie by sulking at you for a week at a time , and im pretty sure this sulking you describe is the tip of the iceburg .Emotional abusers usually employ a range of tactics to control those around them . Im sure your finding some of the replys on here a bit harsh , but everyone here is concerned and angry on your daughters behalf and hopefully that should alert you to just how serious it is.

If hes been emotionally abusing you both for a long time this will have become normal for you to a large extent , victims become unsure of themselves and lose confidence over time and lose sight of whats normal and whats not . The first step is speaking out about it like you have here , it takes guts , well done for that .

Please dont make excuses for this man to your dd by saying hes not a natural parent , thats not the issue . Instead tell her shes right to be upset about it , that he has no right to treat her that way and that you are going to ensure it stops. Please dont stop posting because of some of the replys , theres lots of support for you here and thers things you can do . You really need to ring womens aid and get some support your both being horribly emotionally abused .

You also need to tell people in real life so you get some support for both you and your dd ( is her father about ?) Dont be complicit in this abuse by keeping it a secret or trying to normalize it . Theres some good links on here , and you really need to educate yourself about emotional abusers and what they do to you over a period of time .

Choose your daughter. Before your daughter choses to leave you.

Which she will, as soon as she is, or feels "old enough".

You deserve it. You are not a mum, but a person who enables a man to abuse a child.

Can she live with her father? Seeing as you clearly have no love for her either, to allow this to go on?

Mindi, it's a no-brainer. You need to get rid of him. How on earth can you love a man who treats your daughter like that? She's your baby, put her first.

The fact the OP has not come back probably reflects that she feels overly criticised and because she cannot face the damage she has done to her DD because she allowed this dreadful bully to rule the roost. Please OP it is not too late you can start again without him and show your DD she really matters.

It isn't too late-BUT it needs sorting NOW.

I agree - It's not too late yet.

I do think that if my Mum had dealt with our situation before it escalated throughout my teenage years and before my delicate teenaged self-esteem had been shat on then we might well be on much better terms now.

Yes. He is the adult here and she is a child. It's not an equal relationship, nor should it be. This is not like having a best friend and partner who don't get on, at least a friend can make her own choices and decide not to be in the same room as your partner. Your dd has no choice, so it is up to you to make good choices for her.

It has been tough reading this - but thanks to all for confirming all the things I already knew deep down. I fear I don't have the strength nor resource to put things right, but there is no way this can continue.
I am a poor mother and I hope my DD can give me the second chance I so desperately need before it's too late. The comments about her going off the rails have hit a nerve: I could not live with that. I am scared about what lies ahead but I will take a stand and get some help. Thanks guys.

I'm glad you're not feeling too hurt MindiMoo....stick around and there are a tonne of people to help you with all this. Have you spoken t your DD in private about how she feels about your partner?

The fact that you are on here asking for help, have taken on board some very harsh but honest posts and know what you must do means you are far from being a poor mother.

You have to do it though, no matter how hard .

12 is a good age to get a few years in with your beautiful daughter prove to her that she is number one and concentrate on you and her having a fabulous relationship before she is grown up and it is too late.

Just never say we left because of the way he treated you and make it sound like her fault in any way she is the innocent in all this.

Keep posting on here for moral support and good luck with your lovely daughter.

Mindimoo - I left a similar situation 4 years ago, and have never looked back. My relationship with my daughter (shes 15 this year) is amazing.

It was hard at first but I could always tell I did the right thing. Now I couldn't be happier and I'm with the lovliest most caring man.

I applaud you for reading and taking in what must have been so difficult to read. Unmumsnetty hug (and good luck... you can do it, if I can, anyone can!)

Im glad you came back op , you can put this right and its not too late , this is probably the end result of suffering years of bullying from him , it can seem inpossible to suddenly say " Enough , it stops " , because they wont listen . You cannot change him unfortunateley , but you can change yourself and start setting some boundarys and meaning it .

Do ring womens aid and ask to be put in touch with a councilling service in your area . They are free , and wont pressure you or judge you .

Me and my DD have been out in the sunshine all day today. We have been talking about how she feels. The poor kid is so sweet that even now she says she would like him and her to get on. But I reckon she is only saying that for me. If I was her I would have given up by now. I don't want her becoming weak like me, and nor do I want history to repeat itself and for her to find a bully for a partner - so I will be summoning the courage and the strength to sort this.

Glad you came back. Your dd sounds lovely but it isn't her problem it's your dp's. I've never met a grown man who would sulk for a week and act more like a 5 yr old than a real 5 yr old.

There are lots of resources and help available and lots of people on here who will be able to guide you to what you need.

sorry it was harsh reading this, keep the communications with you & DD open. it's nice you are able to see the amazing little girl she is - keep telling her that.

and you know what, you WILL find the strength, you WILL. each time you feel a wobble come back to this thread and think of your special little girl & how she deserves better - it's amazing the courage us mothers can find to protect our kids when the 'lightbulb' moment as they call it happens.

you CAN and WILL do this. for your DD's sake - after all, you don't want to look into her eyes when she's 18 or older & have to explain to her then why you didn't walk away sooner - I assume that will be the only question she'll have - why mum I was a child why?!?

good luck. (also womens aid might well help you with some advice - and possibly if you have also learnt this behavior and your self esteem is low, perhaps you & dd could go to family councilling together & individually, to both work on yourselves but also help rebuild or strengthen your relationship.)

OP you never know how strong you can be until you try. Start to believe in yourself, you do not need to be validated by a relationship with this bullyish, controlling man. I am sure your DD would be proud to walk this difficult path with you and you could both rebuild your lives. It is not an easy journey but I have done it and it is worth it in the end.

There are better men out there.

You will be happy again.

You can do it.

If I can do it, anyone can.

I left a long marriage to live on my own with DD's. It is hard, it is unpleasant, somedays I feel like I am on my knees.

But it is a million billion times better than being with my exH.

And I have a lovely new DP who is fantastic, and treats me and my girls like we are the most precious things in his world.

One of the biggest regrets in my life has been my dcs growing up in a bad enviroment . Mine are older now , theyre away at uni and they will probably never live at home again , they,ll be having their own familys soon . I see them a lot , we are very close , but its very differant when theyre older , they,ll never come running in from school again eager to tell me about their day or any of the other daily things you take for granted .

I didnt realise at the time , i was so caught up in staggering through each day , that i didnt realise they were growing up , my focus was elsewhere . Your dd is not yours to keep , she on loan to you , for now . In just another 6 years she could be living away at uni , make the most of her .

OP, I'm so glad to hear you've had a good day with your daughter and been able to talk a little about things. That's really important, and it will be good for her to realise that you know something's not right. What's most important now is that you act on your realisation and do something about it. She will appreciate it - I know she will.

Good luck OP. I'm sorry you have found you and your daughter have found yourselves here, but I'm sure both of your lives will be better for it.

Diggs, your last post has brought a tear to my eye - you're right, every moment is precious.

OP, I have read this thread and am truly touched that you have come back and are going to act to prevent your DD being abused by your partner anymore.
There are literally hundreds of threads on here where women, just like you, have found it difficult to leave a man like this, to the point of finding it almost impossible. It seems so daunting at the time, but on here, you will find the support, advice and help you need every step of the way.
I have read many threads where the OP didn't leave her partner in the end, and continued coming on here every so often to ask for help, which they got, I have never seen mn tire of anyone's plight. I have also seen many more threads where the OP did pluck up the courage to end the relationship, and without exception, not one of them regretted it to my knowledge.

My own mother stayed married to an abusive nasty man, and whenever us DC asked her to leave him, she would cite financial reasons, nowhere to go, us DC shouldn't piss him off etc etc etc.
Eventually, when I was 17 yrs old, my mother left him, but she still longed for him to change, loved him. I never understood why. To me, it was logical, How could she want to be with someone who treated her that way? I already didn't believe I was worth anymore, but I couldn't understand why my mother felt she deserved so little.
You see, there was always something wrong with me, I always got it wrong, that's why he treated me so badly. I didn't trust my own judgement, and spent many years seeking the approval of every man I fell into a relationship with, every friend I had.

I am almost 40 now, am single, and yes, I am in regular contact with my now divorced mother, who is also still single.
Do I respect her? No
Do I like her? No
I don't tell her this but I'll tell you what I think of her. I think she is a weak pathetic self absorbed misogynist, who puts men above and beyond any of her DD's. I don't like her, I don't trust her, and I don't understand her or why she stayed. In fact, if she began another relationship, guess who would be dropped like a hot potato...me. This may not be true, but that's what she taught me.

You only get one crack at parenthood. You can make all the difference now. Don't spend years after your DD has flown the nest with nothing but regrets and what ifs, you can do this OP, and I, as well as many others are right behind you, backing you all the way.

Please keep posting OP, we are here for you and your DD.

i am so pleased you have made the decision, it will bring you and your daughter together. do it while you have the strength too and take control of yours and your daughter life you will both be so much happier

Your DD sounds lovely-much more mature than your DP.
Well done for taking all the comments on board. It will be hard but I'm sure that you will look back and be pleased that you did it. Good luck.

Keep on posting OP.

Your daughter sounds a lovely girl - you must be a good mum to her in many, many ways for you to have such a good bond. Thank goodness you DO have that. Keep talking to her and supporting her, make sure she knows you think she's FANTASTIC.

Deep breaths and think about the future. Finances? House? Do you know in your heart that you can, must leave him? Do you have someone trusted in real life that you can talk to? Are you close to family and are they nearby?

So pleased you're going to act on this. Many people here rooting for you and DD. Keep the courage. :)