OK, here goes.
Of escalation ?
I met my DH 7yr ago. After 2wk I noticed 15 P movies, no other movies. They were obviously shared between friends ?Petes Blue movie? and taped from sky ? Eurotica?. He asked me if I wanted to watch ?lesbians? with him, I declined. Sharing sexuality amongst mates was new and lacking in intimacy to me. It was not a romantic start. I asked him why he had asked me, he was very attracted to me obviously, and he said that he was worried that he may lose interest after the first year, as this always happened in his relationships. He was 3mth out of a relationship of 3yr where they had shared the P in order to remain interested. He said the love was not there, he was in control of everything, and had a one-night stand whilst she was away. Prior to this he met his last partner whilst he was married ? lasting 7yr, ending because he decided not to go forward and have children. He told me recently that he had asked his last partner also if her friend might like to join in the sex. He also told me recently that during the 3mth break he had been asking different women about their attitudes to pornography. He also said that one woman who said ? I only want you for sex tonight? had lead to a loss of erection?
He was always oogling around every time we went out, but overtly attentive to me in a love-friendly way, with eskimo kisses, hand holding and gazing into eyes, sharing the bathroom, naked in bed and spooning. He often behaved in a submissive, childlike way when naked which, at the times that he did this I found alarming. He was not my child. I found all this desexualising. I told him it was not my way. He never changed any of it.
On the other hand, the sex was quite mechanical and Pgraphic . ?Snake in the bed?, waking up to a penis in my face on the pillow as a joke, ?have you come yet? ?pearl necklace? etc. He also asked me if I would like a vibrator. Whenever I dressed up looking sexy it was never enough. ?Why don?t you go out with no knickers on? ?you should have told me you weren?t wearing a bra ? ?if you wore that underwear in the middle of M&s, now that would really turn me on?.
After 4wk. We were due to have a Salsa lesson and he had to tell me that the ?animal? girl who would be coming down was absolutely stunning. I was so upset, I said ?no thanks?. For him, maybe it represented heightened stimulation?
I then found a typed letter about a groupie in London with a couple of photos of a normal-looking girl in her home, with susp. I decided that if the P videos alone were not enough, this furthur involvement of an everyday girl was a bit worrying. I left him a letter saying that we must end things, all this was not compatible with my sexual attitudes. He said that the P meant nothing to him and it would all go in the bin. He promised me it would never happen again and that it was ?unfulfilling? and I was enough and that he was madly in love with me. I decided to give it a try because we had other thing sin common.
We would go for walks, to him it meant trousers round my ankles. I wanted to make love in the tent with the rain beating down in the New Forest, he wasn?t interested.
We would go out on Friday night and I would look good, he would get very angry if anybody whistled or showed me attention. Not flattered. This happened a lot when he went to the toilet, I don?t know why. He would start off looking around, treating me like a friend, charmless, go to the loo, come back and find somebody else giving me attention. This, plus alcohol, interfered with things.
It became a Sunday morning ten minute rising within year. I began to object to this because I was not enjoying it, I was bored and felt like a recepticle. He never altered it. My refusal cut the interaction down to monthly.We stayed together because I felt love for him and knew that he loved me. But the sexual side was not good. He has always called me twice daily and has done anything I have needed or asked for. Even on business trips, 6x yearly, he would call regularly. Sounded depressed about something, and cut off from me on his return, when I was really looking forward to some good sexual bonding. He bought me some boring white underwear, but was ntot interested when I wore it. He told me ?I looked nice? when I dressed up sexy for him on his return, but still he ignored me. I accused him off having nothing left, probably because of a week of P ? he denied it. I asked him to take some sexy pictures of me away with him, or for us to have phone sex. He ignored it. I accused him of our sex life being dire because of a return of P. He denied it. I learned recently that I was correct. If I had known, I would never have gone into the pregnancy. Such is my feelings regarding HC pornography, and he knew it.
We built a lovely home together, he spoilt the DIY as a bonding excercise because he was always swearing being aggressive. He was always aggressive when we went out ? driving, meals. He always looked at me furiously when I looked sexy when we went out for a meal, saying he was getting hot, going red and he used to go outside to cool off? For me it was a chance for bonding and a romantic,erotic interaction
My work option came up with the issue of moving. I decided I had to do it. The salary was good. He came with me. He got increasing chances to be alone because of the long hours. I felt an increasing lack of intimacy. I wanted us to end or move forward, and I wanted a child. I was 37. He agreed. He said he wasn?t sure, I suppose I gave him an ultimatum because I didn?t want to waste any more time, and I knew he loved me. He was spending his time distancing himself from me sexually and convincing himself that he did not love me, but doing nothing about it apart from the P < I learned later>.I felt that an increase in real intimacy would repair whatever were his problems. We argued a lot, I admit.
After only 2 attempts we got pregnant. 8 wk into it he turned on me. Aggressive, dismissive, rude etc Totally ignored me sexually. I decided not to address it. I watched erotic films when he was out because I was so highly sexed. I told him how I felt, but he ignored me still. He said later that he was getting his own back because I had been critical of him and tried to change him.
The distance widened during the first few mth of the babies life. He would not let her be in the room with us. He said that the toys everywhere reminded him of the invasion. He starting going off all the time and buttoning up his coat, saying ?dont you think its cold??. I said that if our friendship and sexual relationship did not return within the next 6mth we would have to separate. I pushed the issue, as I have many times, admittedly, he says this was a major problem that I kept saying we should finish, don?t know what would have happened if I hadn?t. I knew it was about sex. Don?t know how, just did. One day he was with the baby 6mth old on his knee and I came upstairs and he pushed his phone out of view. I grabbed it and it began. He said a couple had been texting him to meet up for a threesome. He had been spammed. I said that if he did not show me the texts, I would never know. He went to the bathroom and deleted them. I kicked the door in.
I then found numbers of escort agencies and a number of a girl. He went off to work and phoned his mum, said he had been considering escorts.
He then phoned me later in the day, saying that he had been thinking of ways to earn money if we split. Thought it would be a good thing to be a male escort. He would enjoy it and might meet somebody. The initial ad had led to contact form a massage parlour. I asked him why he had then not told the ?truth? to his mother. The former is worse than the latter to me, he said not.
He said that he had not bonded with his daughter and he was afraid. He broke down in tears and said how much he loved me and that he would understand if I left him. I went away a cple days later and he still went indulging again on the internet, I discovered. Me and the baby nearly went under a lorry with stress, and she was in hospital with dehydration, but the latter not his fault. He said how good he had been in finding me somewhere halfway to stay when I had been too exhausted and stressed to drive any furthur. He should not have let me go. He said later that he had got so carried away with porn that he thought it would be Ok to be in a threesomes and paid. I phoned one and it was a massage parolour. He told me that it had started off as him being a toy-boy for a bored, rich woman and that since the MP had contacted him, he thought that might be alright. I said ?what about drugs, jealous partners? ?sexual health? etc. Do you think this would have been a safe environment for our child, with your joint cusody?? How could you disgrace her locally like this, advertising in the local paper?? ?Do you think I want this kind of money from you? < I can earn a very good salary>
We went to 25 Relate sessions and he admitted that the P had been there all along and that he now was a changed man and understood how damaging it was to intimacy, not ?focusing his sexual attention? on his partner. Since she was 6mth he has been the ideal father and saying how much he loves me and wants to make love. I really cant now. How he ever thought he was so attractive to be a male escort is beyond me. He isn?t. Moral issues aside. I have also had comments about 40 male crisis. Yes, work was dire also, played a very big part in his self-esteem issues. I also found an audi TT for him after 6wk pregnancy, I was worried that he might feel left out. He was also looking at Harley-Davidsons and I asked him how this would fit in with a child. Also, the CE at work was using escorts on business and charging them to the company. His boss was having an affair, the result of which he was losing work over ? to a woman.
We had some fulfilling sex, through love and crisis of loss, initially. I do love him, but I cannot really think of a reason to have sex anymore. I play my iPod and yearn for romantic, sensual passion. I am supposed to be moving to Switzerland in 3wk as he has a good job offer. His daughter loves him and I do not want to break up the family, or be alone. I have decided to cut out my libido. I would rather have one-off sex with a hunky gardener than go any further into this sexually, so the best option is to cut it out. I have, and can do it. The ?iffs? too. What of escorts abroad on trips? The pictures of animal sex and the disgusting Japanese picture that nobody should ever see , that apparently downloaded itself, otherwise he would not have left it on the PC? It was utterly appalling. I would not ever show that to a male, but it is in my lawyer folder. I have worries also for my child. If a man does not know his boundaries? I doubt that, though. But it is me who would be to blame in the future were it to happen.
I do not know what to make of all this. I am very lost. I may lose work if I go to Switzerland, but I have said that I will return if the French does not get enough to find we work within the 12mth. I am worried that if I cannot find work, the Swii authorities may feel that her father is a better financial bet than I am.
Any discussions now are fruitless. Before we argued. Now ? I am a changed man? ?I am a father?. Before ? I was worried that family values were not compatible with what I was doing? ? I was obsessed with sex toys? ? You can always use a condom, ask your brother ? can you imagine me doing that! He went completely mad. I kept asking my therapist not to lose the situation. It got lost over time. Now all I am left with is ? ? I am changed??
Now it all seems like a nightmare. Only I seem left with the reality of it. My family having to fit round it. What should I do??
Thank you so much to anybody who has taken the effort to read my plight. I would love some advice. There are some out there who will say ? My God, a guy who likes porn has ended up so desperate?. You are entitiled to your opinion. I have been asking some male friends of a mine a few questions. If asked to choose between the partner and the porn, they say it is not so easy. But, I am an attractive and very sexual woman, nothing wrong with me, I like sex. Maybe some should heed it as a warning not to let their partners go too far into this modern-day phenomenon. It may backfire. You may be left wearing the asses head. Shakespeare. But also, a thread on here!