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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Splitting up, not married...please help

60 replies

onmyown · 04/11/2005 09:57

Im a regular but have changed my name for this because my DP (soon to be ex) knows my usual nickname and I don't want him to see this.

We have a year old son, we are't married and we're going to split up. This is at my instigation. He's gone into work, which is what he usually does when he wants to avoid facing up to something.

He's told me he wants custody and move away back to his family. I don't know what my rights are but I don't want him to take our son away.

If anyone has any advice, please, please help. Thank you.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/11/2005 09:59

Your rights are to see a solicitor right away, if you cannot afford one then see your CAB to determine if you are eligible for Legal Aid.

He cannot just say 'I want custody' and remove your child to go and live w/his family.

Do you own property together? Further need to involve a solicitor if so.

chipkid · 04/11/2005 09:59

onmyown-who is the main care giver for your ds? do either you or your dp work?

chipkid · 04/11/2005 10:01

unless you entered into a parental responsibility agreement when ds was born-as an unmarried mother you are the only person with parental responsibility for this child.

aloha · 04/11/2005 10:02

It won't happen onmyown. Men almost never get residence of the children. And when they do it is because their partners are incapable or unwilling to have the children (eg hopeless heroin addict). He is just trying to frighten you, probably because he doesn't want to split up.

winnie · 04/11/2005 10:08

As everyone has said he won't get custody. It is extremely rare. Go to CAB as soon as you can and they will be very helpful.

Original poster

onmyown · 04/11/2005 10:09

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the advice. I know he doesn't want to split up and I think he's trying to intimidate me.

We both work - I'm the main carer and I work part time. We both registered DS together, so I suspect this means he has PR.

DS goes to nursery part time. DP pays the fees for this but I know that if I was on my own I can get extra help with tax credits etc. My company is very good with flexible working wgich is a bonus.\

OP posts:

Original poster

onmyown · 04/11/2005 10:10

This is DS's first birthday, I feel absolutely terrible. I can't believe DP has gone to work.

OP posts:

aloha · 04/11/2005 10:11

Do you own property together? Is there any hope that you could split amicably and stay living close by each other? I think that's usually better for children if it is possible.
I have to say, involving solicitors usually makes things worse. The more you can do without them the better.

chipkid · 04/11/2005 10:12

you will be fine onmyown.

winnie · 04/11/2005 10:12

completely agree with aloha try to avoid solicitors until it is absolutely necessary.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad.

ninah · 04/11/2005 10:13

I think it's vital to see a solicitor to know exactly where YOU stand. There is no need to tell dp at this point but it will help you to realise that you are in a stronger position than he would have you think.

ninah · 04/11/2005 10:18

if you don't know your rights it is easy to be intimidated. Fwiw as an unmarried parent facing split I have seen Relate, CAB and solicitor and solicitor was definitely the most helpful of these, worth every penny.

Original poster

onmyown · 04/11/2005 10:19

I would really like to find somewhere nearby so that we can share joint custody because he is a good dad and has a great relationship with DS. But he basically wants to move back to his family (100's of miles away) with DS.

We own our flat jointly.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/11/2005 10:25

Well, as stated before, he can't just up and move and take the child with him. And if he keeps threatening, then you might have to involve solicitors.

At the very least, please see the CAB to find out what your rights are.

ninah · 04/11/2005 10:25

for him to move away with ds, not going to happen. If he then decides to move 100 miles away on his own, another matter. Be aware people say spiteful and disturbing things in these situations which do not reflect their true intentions. You say he's a good day - he will want contact. Hopefully you can negotiate a situation whereby you live near each other and share parenting, but it might take a while for him to be able to talk calmly and rationally about the future.

Original poster

onmyown · 04/11/2005 10:27

Thanks everyone. Am going to make an appointment with the CAB as soon as I can nothing available todaybut will see them asap.

OP posts:

ninah · 04/11/2005 10:29

Good. Being well informed puts you in a stronger position and you need strength at the moment. Wishing you all well.

aloha · 04/11/2005 10:32

Well, he can't do that and I suspect he actually knows that already but is panicking and lashing out. From my personal experience I would truly say that if you can avoid going to court or getting involved in solictors letters going to and fro you will protect what (if anythign) is left of your relationship and save yourself a LOT of money. Certainly get some legal advice though.
Or you could just say, 'look, I am ds's principal carer and his mother. No court in the land is going to let you take him to live with you hundreds of miles away. I am not planning to stop you seeing him. So let's be civilised about this.'
As for your flat, if it is jointly owned then you probably will have to either buy him out if you want to stay (or vice versa) or sell and take half of any equity each or come to some other arrangement voluntarily between you.
Have you considered counselling? You can have it even if you are definitely planning to split up, so you can discuss how to do it in a way that causes the least hurt all round.

Original poster

onmyown · 04/11/2005 10:33

ninah, am going to the Scottish version of Relate. SP can't possibly manage it of course (but then that's part of the problem...long, long story).

OP posts:

Original poster

onmyown · 04/11/2005 10:35

I don't know if I would get custody - I suffered from very severe PND with DS and had to go into psychiatric hospital. I was suicidal. DS went to stay with in-laws. Surely that would count against me? DP says that with my mental health record I wouldn't get him.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/11/2005 10:35

Ah, yes, Scottish laws are different with regards to property especially and w/regards to domestic relationships. But they do favour the mother w/regards to custody issues.

CAB is a GREAT place to start. Good for you about getting some counselling as well.

ninah · 04/11/2005 10:37

I went on my own too omo! same thing, p running off to work/pub anything rather than talk.
Fwiw I didn't find it tremendously useful without his input but the very fact of having had the balls to go made me realise how committed I was/am to creating a better life for myself and child (soon to be children).
Another thing, you are not on your own. Will help in any way poss or just listen. Stay strong.

aloha · 04/11/2005 10:38

But you are fine now? And your ds is fine and you are his main carer and he's only a baby? There is no chance he will get residence, particularly if he has crazy plans to take a baby hundreds of miles from his mother.
Believe me, it won't happen. And frankly, it's a horrible thing to say.

expatinscotland · 04/11/2005 10:40

Your partner is trying to intimidate you and talking utter mince! That's cruel and manipulative. You have PND. It was treated. Now you have moved on. You are not a drug-user, prostitute, involved with a man w/a known history of abuse, etc.

ninah · 04/11/2005 10:42

yes, totally right! (love expression 'utter mince')
fwiw my p came up with similarly horrible threats, advice will help you believe they ARE groundless

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