Splitting up, not married...please help

[onmyown]

Im a regular but have changed my name for this because my DP (soon to be ex) knows my usual nickname and I don't want him to see this.

We have a year old son, we are't married and we're going to split up. This is at my instigation. He's gone into work, which is what he usually does when he wants to avoid facing up to something.

He's told me he wants custody and move away back to his family. I don't know what my rights are but I don't want him to take our son away.

If anyone has any advice, please, please help. Thank you.

Thank you all so much

I really want to do this properly for DS's sake because he is so important.

What I would really like to do is move out, get a flat for me and DS and go back to work full time. (Believe that's not going to be easy cos I live in Edinburgh, even rental places are v expensive). In know work will help with cost of childcare - he is in a great nursery which he really enjoys and I would hate for him to be taken out, which DP is threatening to do.

I like that expression too, ninah - it's a Scottish expression..in case you didn't already know

Thanks for making me smile expat!

sounds like you have a great new life waiting for you both, once all this is sorted out.
I'd check on the parental resp thing, not sure how Scottish system works but my p does not have it although we both registered cos it was before the change in law (ds is 3). If you have sole pr all the decisions re schooling, upbringing are up to you. The nursery threat sounds like more 'mince' in any case.

Hello onmyown

I didn't see this thread, replied on another! Oops.

Agree with all here anyway. He will not be able to get sole custody, he can move away from his son but he cannot move his son away from you!!

Good luck with CAB.

I'm in Edinburgh myself. See a housing officer about your options. As you are working, it's likely you'll be offered a housing association flat - especially as the council is going to transfer all its stock to a housing association early next year. Edinvar and Dunedin housing association now have a large number of nice flats in areas all over town, so there could be one near your son's nursery.

Associations offer 'assured tenancy' so you won't run the risk of being turfed out by a buy to let landlord who decides to sell up.

Also, in Edinburgh, housing benefit is paid directly to the tenant if you are not a council tenant. This gets around the 'no DSS' rules some private landlords stipulate and allows you more freedom of choice.

And yes, you'll be eligible for both Working Tax Credit (if you earn under £14,000) and greater Child Tax Credit as a lone parent.

So there IS help available to you. Don't despair! And don't let yourself be bullied.

I am in Edinburgh too and it is expensive but you just need to get all the help you can, CAB will help there too!

Good luck

A friend of mine told me Port of Leith Housing Association is good too.

As expat says, don't despair, just get your pen ready!

onmyown, if you are working more than 16 hours a week you will get tax credits adn child tax credits and, depending on income, help with your rent and council tax. If you are getting tax credits (rather than income support say)child support is not taken into account (although it is for housing benefit).

Also, don't move out of the flat if you want half the equity (which you are entitled too). Much harder to get your partner to sell up if he lives there by himself, I think.

And you will remain liable for the mortgage too!

Indeed, sadie.

We pay 'market rent' on a nice, two-bed Edinvar housing association flat in Leith Links, onmyown. We are 'market tenants', as are most of the occupants in our stair. Some are also shared-ownership occupiers. It's £500/month for a two-bed complete w/private car park.

If you find yourself having no luck on housing lists - as we did - do phone associations personally to ask about any 'market rent' flats they have as another option.

Then you can apply for housing benefit.

A pensioner lives in the flat across from us and gets £172/month in housing benefit.

I'm feeling a lot more positive, thank you.

I'm still in 'our' flat because I don't want to leave DS. We are being civil. It all just feels so weird.

yes, it's like a shadow family
NOT good long term
I am in similar, in limbo pro tem as baby due Xmas Day
keep focusing on the long term future and the happier times to come

I am sure it does! God. My ex and I split when I was pg and so we had a good 4 months break (while he was confused!) before we had to do the friends and co-parents thing!

I don't know how it works with housing benefit as a single parent when you work (I am a student) but you will certainly get help.

I agree with everyone else - he sounds scared and is trying to scare you into changing your mind with the threat of possibly taking your child with him.

Fwiw my dp and I split 3 months ago (his choice) and we have both found it very tough, but last week when he dropped ds off I swallowed my pride and asked if we could talk, and 2 hours later we seem to have made quite a bit of progress - he admitted he has said things that weren't true but he knew would worry me/wind me up and to be honest I have probably done the same - but we have both done it when we felt the other was being horrible, as a revenge thing if you like.

If you can try anything to keep it amicable and not involve solicitors I think it is worth it, for your own sake and your sons, and also your finances!!

Just to let everyone know, I have made an appointment with CAB - the earliest I could get was Thursday at 9.30.

Hae also spoken to my HV and she's been very supportive.

Well done, onmyown. You'll be fine! Keep us posted and let us know how we can help.

cool! how about a name change now?

Update for you all..and ninah hope you appreciate the name change!

A friend looked after DS today and DP and I had a good long chat about what we wanted.

DP has no plans to take DS away to Wales, very relieved. He wants to share custody which I am more than happy to do because he is a fantastic dad and DS adores him.

Plan is I will get myself a flat for me and DS. I will ask CAB about HA places when I see them next week. DS will hopefully go to nursery an extra day a week and I will go to work an extra day (I can squeeze in more hours this way which means more money - which I will need).

I am glad DP is being so reasonable about this when I know he is breaking up inside. Wish this could be done without hurting him because he doesn't deserve it.

Thanks again to you all. You have really helped, you don't know how much!

Glad your custody fears are being put to rest and you and your partner can discuss things reasonably.

It might be easier for your partner to move out, as rents in Edinburgh are much cheaper for an abode for one than for two. Also, you need to make sure you're going to receive compensation for the property if/when it is sold.

Also, please make sure you put your child support/maintenace agreements into writing, as the amount you receive WILL affect the amount of tax credits you are awarded.

This is a hard time for you. You are handling this exceptionally well. So glad to hear it!

A good sit down at the CAB will sort a lot of things out.

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Hi expat and others.

I think for accomodation I'd rather move out - I can't afford to maintain this place on my own - DP earns a lot more than I do and has just had a promotion at work. It also seems wrong to turf DP out of his own home when this is at my instigation.

I've started looking at what's out there to see what I can afford - think I can stretch to £500 a month. Will leave me with not much to live on but i can get childcare support from work, plus maintenance, plus extra tax credits.

We did discuss this on Sat and what we are planning is to remortgage the flat and split the equity, as we have a joint mortgage.

Thanks Rickman

Glad to hear your ex is being reasonable, that will make things a lot easier!

I am sure you will be able to find somewhere nice for £500! Good luck with CAB.