Is it wrong to decide never to bring another man into my family?

[somethingwillturnup]

I'm a single parent, have been for 4 years (actually much longer than that - he just hung around like another kid much longer than I should've let him).

Had one serious bf since (now xbf) and am now seeing a very nice man. Kids have met him, but only in a friendly capacity (I have a lot of men friends - sports related). They are none the wiser to the romantic situ.

Anyway, I realised this week that I actually don't think I could welcome a man into the family as it is now. I just don't think anyone would fit iyswim. I'm more than willing to be proved wrong, but I can't see how. I'm not looking for a father to the DCs, and I'm not looking for another husband.

Is it wrong, or plain daft, to make a conscious decision to not include/introduce anyone into my family? Am I just with the wrong person? I'm not even sure if I'm asking the right questions, so feel free to point something out I've missed, or ask a load of other questions, because I don't feel I'm putting myself over very well!

Could be I'm mulling over nothing......

I feel the same so to avoid the dilemma you have I don't date at all and haven't since I split up with ds's dad whilst pregnant. The only thing I do worry about is the absence of a father figure for ds (ex has no contact) but so far we seem to be doing ok.

same here. The benefits of a male role model seem to me to be outweighed by the difficulties of introducing a new partner, blended families etc
we have platonic role models, and that suits me fine. By the time I've worked, looked after dc, I don't have time/energy spare for romantic stuff churning my brain

Do whats right for you .
Im a bit the same , as in im seeing someone , and while my dcs have met him and arent aware , it just doesnt feel right to have him around my family or in fact in my home , it just feels sort of wrong , like an intrusion somehow.

Hes a nice guy , its not him , i feel perfectly comfortable in his house and when out together , i just dont want him around my family or in my house !

No it's not wrong at all. It puts you in a very strong position, someone would have to be extremely special for you to even think about changing your mind. If nobody comes along who is that special, then you'll be happy anyway! So it's win-win.

You do need to be honest with your bf though (though I'm sure you are being!) and I think it's good you have a lot of male friends too as it's good for your girls to have positive male role models. My Mum didn't date after she left my Dad, which was good in a way as it's made me see I don't need to depend on a man, but OTOH I have some really screwed up ideas about relationships and I think in part it might be because I didn't have any healthy relationships or good male attitudes towards women to observe when I was younger. But then I expect this is in part due to my mum's views on relationships as well which seem to be "don't expect anything from a man, they're all bastards, but they can't help it, you just need to understand them."

Thanks Mollie.

Not even sure it's a dilemma tbh. I have tried to make it clear to current bf (and xbf before him) that whatever kind of relationship we have, it won't ever get to the 'moving in' stage - or even 'the kids know we're dating' stage! He has said fair enough, but I'm now wondering if he thinks he'll be able to change my mind. I don't think I'm being unfair (I have told him) but maybe I'm over-thinking it. Is there any point if things don't 'progress'? Do they need to? And won't he just go and find someone that maybe wants to include him or start a family of their own? Come to think of it, why am I bothering to ask?

I'm not looking for a reason to break up with him, but just thinking aloud. And wondering if anyone else has thought/experienced this and what they eventually did.

I feel the same. I'm ready for dating again now and would like some male attention but have no intentions of allowing a man into my little family. It's just me and DD for the foreseeable. The trouble is that most single men around my age are looking for 'settling down' material, sharing lives, sharing homes and the like whereas I am happy to live alone for the rest of my life!

I sometimes think when the time is right I would have a private quiet relationship and keep it separate from my life with my DC's.

Company, conversation and...erm..... canoodling would be nice but I like the dynamic between the three of us, I am not (I think) generally a controlling person but I am happy with how the family ticks along and would find it hard to compromise. I am fiercely protective of my DC's well being.

Not sure how a relationship would work on those terms so as much as sometimes I get lonely and have needs, I don't even think in terms of meeting someone.

The fact that my ability to trust has been shattered is almost by the by

So No, OP, You are not wrong, it is waht works for you.

I am in the same boat, have no intention of inviting any man into the family and can think of no compelling reason to do so.

Not looking for another husband or father for my children. Have lots of good friends and male role models, and it appears to me that managing potential blended families, or introducing someone to the family can be pretty problematic.

I have no plans to meet anyone else. I don't date (don't have the time) and the dc's are only 4 & 2.

Life is jolly hard on my own but for the foreseeable future I think it's better (and easier) if I do it on my own.

I would love a happy every after Brady bunch set up, but it ain't gonna happen!

Ooops, took so long to type that there were other replies!

Diggs that's exactly it! The kids thought he was nice (they think most of my friends are) but it felt all wrong. Just trying to figure out if it's because he's the wrong person, or it's the mindset I'm in. Am I cutting my nose off to spite my face?

Bertie I certainly don't think all men are bastards [buwink] and the kids certainly see more guys than women around (friends or team-mates).

And ninah I agree. By the time everything's done (kids, work, housework, clubs) I hardly have time for anything else and it feels sometimes like he's intruding on 'my' time when the kids are at their dad's.

Think I'm answering my own questions here....

Thank goodness everyone understood what I meant.

Maybe I'm reading too many relationship threads - and I know people only post when they need advice or help, but I can't help thinking 'can I really be bothered with any of that?'

Mitzy that's what I do right now, and I have no intention of letting the two worlds collide. It's nice to have someone else for the adult conversation - and the 'canoodling' is definitely a bonus - but to bring someone into the whole dynamic? It's taken the best part of that four years to settle everyone into a workable routine where everyone's comfortable, I can't see why I would want to disrupt or change that.

Timeforme that's the case with me - men around my age are mostly looking for settling down and maybe having one more child of their own and I thought I was maybe being unfair. I have told him we wouldn't be a 'family' but that wasn't a reflection on him, just something I had decided.

Maybe I want to have my cake and eat it? Sometimes feels like it.

wait til you get to my age op! men of my age are either married or looking for 20 year olds, sometimes both, so my reluctance to introduce one isn't even a dilemma ...

ninah I'm not very young myself - I have more than the average number of children and some of them no longer live at home. I was married for 20 years, so never really had to think about this - it's a bit of a novelty and I'm maybe making something out of nothing. I don't seem to be able to get my (very few) female friends to understand where I'm coming from, so wondered how other people dealt with this. I'm just glad I was understood a bit better here.

And why shouldn't you? That's what I want too! I love my life, my home, my freedom and I don't want to get bogged down with all the crap that comes with being a couple. I just want the nice bits [buwink]

My theory is that the men who are looking to settle down now are the ones who are getting older and are happy to be homebodies after having their fun whereas the women my age, 47, have done the homebody/caretaker thing and now want the fun without the ties. I don't want to go back to washing underpants and ironing shirts thank you very kindly! I think separate houses but next door (or next door but one) to each other is the way to go.

sounds like you're in a good place. Know exactly what you mean!

You can have your cake and eat it , you dont have to conform to a typical relationship if thats not what you want . I see him when i want to , and i also have my family and i keep the two seperate. After all , hes seeing me , not my kids . I dont want that sort of thing , i value my time on my own , and like many others have said it has taken years or us to get here after a horrible divorce , and were just plodding along happily .

He has been a little hurt about it i think , but when ive put it logicly he has little argument , i think its just social expectation. Does he really want to get involved with my dcs ( i wouldnt ) or does he just feel he should ? Is he really willing to give up being able to have his own time , willing to financially and emotionally support us all , or does he just think he should ?

His answer is that we will manage , its bound to be hard but it would work out . Why make something hard when you dont have to ? I like many aspects of our relationship , but i do not want him in my face 24 / 7 . I used to feel a bit bad about it , but i dont now . People have actually commented to me that im having my cake and eating it , where as in fact , i am simply making my own choices about my life . I dont have to do anything i dont want to do just to make other people feel better , or to fit in with societys veiw of relationships , and neither do you .

Enjoy

Timeforme maybe a couple of streets away.....walking distance, not shouting distance.

Think you've hit the nail on the head - I want the nice bits. And he's getting the nice bits too.

I knew I was over-thinking it [busmile]

Diggs I hope I can get to that stage. I do feel bad sometimes, but if I give it enough time and things seem to be going well, I'm sure I'll get over it.

Thanks, I thought I was being a bit unreasonable but it would appear not. Guess you don't find out about what other people are doing/thinking unless you ask.

That ^ reads a bit funny, hope you all know what I mean!

Hi

I was a single parent for 11 years and my dd was 12 when I met my now husband - but it was the hardest thing I have ever done - and it still is...

I love the both of them - but it is hard work keeping peace in the house - I feel guilty ALL the time - If I am with her, about him and if I am with him, about her.

Getting married and my dd being a big part of the wedding has helped things, but still he will never be her dad. She doesn't see her real dad and hasn't for about 14 yrs.

It is quite stressful for me all the time - even though he is really good with her - they are more like friends. I get alot of moaning at me and them passing on messages through me - like - "ask ..... if I can borrow his mobile phone" and then the other way " can you tell your dd to not leave her shoes in the hallway" ... I think it will take a long time to feel like a family, and for them to fell completely at ease with each other. But we will keep working at it !

He wants a baby now - and I am not sure how that would work... I worry that dd feels pushed out ( she is 16 ) and I do not want that, ever. It is hard, I look at her sometimes and feel so so guilty. But, I met someone that I love, I didn't want to be on my own any longer.

I think if you meet the right man, who adores you and is not just good with your kids but determined to do his best for them, you will welcome him into your family because your lives are better with him than without him.

It happened to me, aged 42, and quite unexpectedly.

Agree piellabakewell - but it is still hard work

[bugrin] perfect!

You are not being unreasonable at all. I love the fact that I have finally reached an age where I know what I want and have the confidence to go through with it. A man is just a piece of the pie not the whole of it, there are other pieces of that pie I want to enjoy, not just that one!

piellabakewell that's what I was wondering - maybe he's the wrong man? Then again, I wouldn't know instantly, so how long do I wait?

Aaargh