Is it wrong to decide never to bring another man into my family?

[somethingwillturnup]

I'm a single parent, have been for 4 years (actually much longer than that - he just hung around like another kid much longer than I should've let him).

Had one serious bf since (now xbf) and am now seeing a very nice man. Kids have met him, but only in a friendly capacity (I have a lot of men friends - sports related). They are none the wiser to the romantic situ.

Anyway, I realised this week that I actually don't think I could welcome a man into the family as it is now. I just don't think anyone would fit iyswim. I'm more than willing to be proved wrong, but I can't see how. I'm not looking for a father to the DCs, and I'm not looking for another husband.

Is it wrong, or plain daft, to make a conscious decision to not include/introduce anyone into my family? Am I just with the wrong person? I'm not even sure if I'm asking the right questions, so feel free to point something out I've missed, or ask a load of other questions, because I don't feel I'm putting myself over very well!

Could be I'm mulling over nothing......

I would just go with the flow somethingwillturnup, see how things progress, he might not be Mr Right long term but he seems to be Mr Right Now which is good. If ever the day comes when you do want to share your bathroom with a man that's when to question if Mr Right Now is the one.

Share. A. Bathroom.? He'd have to be rich enough to have two......

And maybe one for the kids

The house I shared with my ex had four bathrooms but it still didn't work out [bugrin] And I had the pleasure of cleaning them all!!

I think youd know when you miss him a lot , when you want him in your house with your family , and when you say us your including him in that . I personally dont think ill ever get to that stage , and if i do i imagine it will be when the dcs are grown up and left home , but i doubt it . He was here one night when my dcs were at their dads . I asked him to pass me the remote as i wanted to turn the telly up and instead of passing it he turned the volume up . I felt like killing him and it seriously pissed me off , totally unreasonable i know . It felt intrusive and like he was too comfortable here , its my home , not his , and i dont want to share . Not with anyone.

Why do you feel bad op ? Do you feel bad for him , does he want more , or is it because your not conforming ?

Have been on my own with DD (16) for a long time. I am financially secure, have a good job, friends, interests. With all that I have, I can still sometimes be reduced to tears at the thought of never having a man in my life again. I manage perfectly well with everything - DIY, decorating, school stuff etc Iwould, however, like some affection, someone who thinks I am worth even touching or kissing or spending an evening with, let alone having sex but it just doesn't happen. It isn't the lack of a man that's the problem, it's the fact that it makes me so sad inside. Yeah, I know men don't want misery or baggage so that's not put on show. If you are lucky enough to have a man even to turn down, you're doing better than I am! It isn't wrong not to want a man in your life but be open to the fact that one day you might change your mind. If there are issues of trust because of previous experience if you do not want to disrupt life for your children those are valid reasons not to become involved. I haven't had the experience of a second family but it is obviously extremely hard in some circumstances. So pleased for you piella!!

Was never one for conforming....but I get the feeling that since he's met the DCs he thinks he'll be included in what we do a lot more. He has said he wishes we could see more of each other (it's only every other weekend when kids are at their dad's) but for me it confirmed that I DON'T want him around more.

I think I'm going to have to re-iterate what I said before about us being a 'family'. Or not, as the case is.

I feel bad because he always asks after them, how they're doing, has bought them easter eggs, has loaned them books/dvds and is obviously trying hard. That's not what's putting me off. I want a polite way to say 'I've TOLD you that the 'family' thing isn't going to happen, so stop trying so hard'. That sounds really harsh and horrible and he is genuinely very nice and interested in what we do, but.......

I think I would just bide my time and wait for him to bring up the subject and then reiterate what I had already said about not wanting to be a family unit. It could be I suppose that he is just being nice but because you are so opposed to him being a bigger part of the picture his bringing gifts and being so thoughtful is causing you some panic and/or resentment.

You have told him straight and made it clear to him how you feel so you have nothing to feel guilty about. He is just trying his luck! [buwink]

I think I'm being a bit cynical, and that's not fair. He may be asking after them because they're a huge part of my life and he's interested in my life.

I'll have to get it out of my head that there might be an 'ulterior motive'. Don't mean that in a bad way, just I would hate to think he was doing it to get into the family without me realising it.

That sounds awful, and not really what I meant, but I can't think of a better way to put it.

Same here Op , he always asks about mine too , and while its nice hes interested i dont want to talk about them when im not with them or share that part of my life with him , even verbally . Ive spent years being mum , a wife , washing skiddy pants ect , i want something thats just for me .

One of my older ones had a milestone birhday a while ago , a venue , lots of family and freinds invited ect. He said he felt really left out that he couldnt attend . Having had this conversation previously about his level of involvement i got a bit fed up , and asked him why he felt a relationship with me automaticly gave him rights to a relationship with my kids ? After all , i dont automaticly assume in going to have a relationship with his parents , or his sisters , or his freinds or workmates .

It does come up every now and then , but im very clear. If he wants more he,ll have to meet someone else . Im also a bit cynical too im afraid . If he was to get involved with my kids what would that mean exactly ? That nights out would stop ? That instead of going out he could come round here and id make his tea along with the kids then he could lounge around on the sofa ? Or we could all have days out together where i would have to revert to being mum ?

Nah.

Diggs I knew someone could put it better than me. Thank you.

I understand what you are saying.

I think you just have to have confidence to believe in and to follow through with what you want and not feel guilty for not wanting to accommodate this man any more than you already are doing. You aren't actually doing anything wrong. You do seem to be doing a lot of thinking on his behalf which I think stems from you feeling guilty that you may be depriving him of something he wants. Just enjoy it for now and if the day ever comes that he turns up with his holdall and slippers, lock the door and close the curtains! [bugrin]

Cross posted about being cynical !

Its worth thinking about , because at the moment weve got no ties . We can bin them at any point . Once theyre involved with the kids , and especially if the kids like them , it becomes very differant , theres the kids to consider if you split up , and you can end up putting up with more because of that .

Could you get a babysitter occasionally so you could see him inbetween the times your dcs arent there ?

Have another chat with him, he may be asking after them because he feels he needs to.
I met dp just before ds's first birthday, his ds was 11 at the time, we moved in together, it was bloody horrendous, fast forward 5 years and we're living apart again and trying to get back what we had, but its not really working.
We went with convention and it ruined a bloody good relationship.
Just me and him were bloody fabulous, trying to play happy families just didn't work!

Great post Diggs!

What gets me though is your bloke felt left out not being at the party but if he had been your long term live in partner he probably would have had 'other plans' that day and would have left you to deal with it all! I reckon these guys just want some sort of validation in your lives, they want to feel they 'belong'.

Oh don't get me wrong, long term we would have been involved in each others major events, but just not living together would have saved the relationship.

Diggs I'm not particularly bothered about seeing more of him but he will come over on his day off when the kids are at school. He has offered to pay for a babysitter (no family to help out) but I don't want to go down that road just now. I hate feeling obligated to anyone, and him paying someone so that I can go out makes me a bit uncomfortable. Nothing to do with him, just feel that way.

Timeforme yep, me over-analysing again. If he turns up with a holdall and slippers he might hear me laughing on the other side of the door [bugrin]

[bugrin] after you have double bolted and put the chain on!

I reckon these guys just want some sort of validation in your lives, they want to feel they 'belong'.

Me too Time . Who wants to get involved with a bunch of bloody kids ? Days out are shit and full of fallings out and whinging anyway . Do your freinds know about him Op ? Do you get any comments on that side of things ?

Well that's the thing Diggs, once they are involved that's when they will gladly stay home or out of the way while you sort the kids. Feet under the table then though [buwink] and that's where the problems start!

I don't even want one sleeping over, not all night. I want to be able to wake up alone, spread all over my bed. I haven't got one yet but I'm already working out what I need to say to get that point firmly across [bugrin]

My friends know I'm 'seeing' someone, my best friend is the only one who has actually met him. He hasn't said anything about it, and I have met some of his friends, but it doesn't bother him. Most of my friends are married anyway, so we don't socialise a lot. A lot of his friends are single and more likely to be out at the same time, or arrange to meet up when we go out. I'm not trying to hide him, just that thing about the worlds colliding.....

I shouldnt say this really because it sounds terrible and its a bit naughty , but ideally i would go round whenever i felt like it for some err servicing . After being serviced he could let me snooze while he makes something scrummy to eat. After eating and snoozing and more servicing i could just go home to my little family and not see him again till next time . In actual fact i do do this sometimes

In other softy moments i feel very affectionate towards him and miss him sometimes , but not enough to want him permanently.

I didn't want to say that, but right now that is what I do sometimes - except I make him do the travelling.....and it's limited to weekends and days off.

I do like him very muchly, but same again, not enough to keep. At least for the moment.

We're living parallel lives [bugrin]

I'm glad I've seen this thread because I thought I was the only one who felt like this! None of my family or friends really seem to understand that when I say I never want to have a serious relationship or settle down again, I actually mean it! I get comments like "Don't worry, you'll find someone new," or "You'll meet someone/change your mind/settle down" etc.

I've been on my own since my DS was a month old (nearly 3 years) and it's the longest I've ever been single, but I'm so happy being able to live my life as I please, just thinking about DS' needs. I haven't got the time, patience or inclination to have to consider anyone else's feelings and frankly I would be a crap girlfriend. I would resent having to get a babysitter or leave my DS and our routine in order to spend time with or date someone, and to be honest when DS is in bed it's my time to wind down, relax, study, have a hot bath. The thought of giving up precious "me" time to somebody else is not an appealing thought.

Also, I've had some bad experiences at the hands of men, and DS' father was abusive so I'm also quite wary of men and bringing one into our lives- some of the threads I read about relationship problems on here make me so glad to be single!

I can't understand why anyone thinks this kind of arm's-length relationship is odd or weird. As long as it's clear what your intentions are, it's up to the other party to stay if it suits them or walk if it doesn't. The whole point of having a relationship on these terms is that you don't have to be responsible for another adult. Yes, you treat them with decency and courtesy as I hope you would any other human being, but you don't live their lives for them and they don't live yours for you and especially not for your DCs, who are not their DCs. If the time comes that it progresses so that both of you want more, well, great, but why should it have to? Just don't string the poor bugger along by making wonderful plans for your future together that he "should have known" were just castles in the air. Clearly nobody on this thread is doing that.

I tell you what would be madness: ditching a perfectly nice casual lover because you thought he was going to want more. Unless and until he starts putting the feared pressure on you, do the fellow the honour of allowing him to make his own choices. He's a grown-up too you know, even if he does own one of those strange penis things.

I felt just like you! Dated a right nobber after the split with XH. Didn't have even the most basic urge to introduce him to DC. Then I met DP and it all happened naturally. We started as friends and now my girls see him as a friend and 'third parent'.

When a man is right, things fall into place! When a man is a self serving tosspotting fuckwit, your instincts usually keep things in check.
Just my 73ps worth!!