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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend or foe

21 replies

lucky24 · 22/04/2011 22:32

I have a friend who was my best friend all through high school we have drifted somewhat since, she is very good at big jestjers (sp) such as arrangements for my hen do, righting on my facebook wall when i had my DC along the lines of if i needed anything, ie help with baby, cleaning ect she will be there. But reality is she has met DS 3 times and he is now 2.

The thing is when i see her she always makes snide comments which really bother me. But they are always said with a smile and i if i ever react negitively to the comment she is like oooooo touchy.

Examples of sinde comments

DS was newborn when she turned up unannouncyed and when DS was with me and crying and i passed him to DH and said he just likes a change now and again she said " i think he just prefers your DH to you"

Clothes shopping, i suggest a shop she says "there is nothing in there that will fit you" i am a size 14. This was said about 9 years ago, why does it stay with me?

There are many more comments, i feel over sensitive to them, i think if someone else said them it wouldnt bother me so much, but then i dont think others would make these comments.

Not sure why im posting, i feel i dont want to be friends but know she wouldnt understand why

OP posts:

mummyosaurus · 22/04/2011 22:37

You have other friends?

I'd just leave her be and move on.

She sounds mean, maybe she's jealous of you, but life's too short for friends like her.

280169 · 22/04/2011 22:40

i have a similar friend i call friedns like this takers...they take what they need and give little back

i see it as a flaw in their confidence..they feel the need to be top dog

my friend name drops ie i will say you lok nice she will say oh yes its a fat face top etc etc

try not to be dragged in.If it bothers you then try to make a step away and surround yourelf with positive people
these types are feeding on the sonfidence of others

Original poster

lucky24 · 22/04/2011 22:43

I had a chat with her about 5 months ago to say she always says she will call then months later she still hadn't. I called her 3 weeks after she visited when DS was born (i had a traumatic birth) and she said you did look teary i was going to call and see if you were ok, but she didnt, and many more things like this. She just said it works both ways and i havent been there for her either. We left the conversastion that we would both make more of an effort.

We met up with my DS a few weeks ago and there were the snide comments again, ie DS dropped his sandwich and went to pick it up, i said oh no its dirty now and she said "would your mum have made you eat that if i wasnt here, its just the way he went straight to pick it up" In the park ds didnt go to anything just stood so i said do you want to play in the sand pit (we dont have one at the parks near us and it had buckets on pulleys and stuff) and she said "oh chose the most exciting thing in the park why dont you?"

OP posts:

280169 · 22/04/2011 22:43

sorry confidence not sonfidence lol

Original poster

lucky24 · 22/04/2011 22:47

I do have other friends, but we also have friends in common who i think would think i was over reacting if i tried to explain why i didnt want to meet up when she is there.

I feel she does bring my confirdence down. She made a negitive comment about my feet once meny year ago and years later i metioned it (while shoe shopping or something) and she said, "did i say that? it was probably cos i dont like my feet and waqnted you to feel as bad as me"!!

OP posts:

mummyosaurus · 23/04/2011 08:07

I think I'd avoid meeting up with just her. You don't enjoy it, so don't do it.

If you run into her when meeting mutual friends, you can be friendly, no need to make a big thing of it, or even mention it to other friends, but this woman is not a friend.

ohgawdherewegoagain · 23/04/2011 08:24

I agree with most of the posters. I had a friend a bit like this. The negative comments were so subtle that I often wouldn't realise the impact until some time after. We had been friends since I was 17. Had a major breakup after about 5 years because I laughed at her one day and I was met with barrage of abuse. Several years later, met her sister who said she was in a bad way and could do with a friend. I gave in to my better judgement and contacted her and we remained friends until 3 years ago. I was so fed up with her negativity and snide comments that we have had no contact since then (I was 47 then so that tells you how long the friendship lasted.) It's only when you do this that realise just how toxic the friendship was. Let her go and find some new friends.

MigratingCoconuts · 23/04/2011 08:47

I'd just subtley be 'ill' whenever there is a joint get together. It doesn't sound that often, so shouldn't be too hard to do. If you have to be together at any time, just be cool with her.

However, I bet the other friends have felt the same but have not said anything because they think you are such good friends.......

Original poster

lucky24 · 23/04/2011 12:24

Thanks for the replys.

So i wont contact her but when she gets in touch with me to meet up i make an excuss as to why i cant meet.

If she phones for a chat just be cool but polite. And if she asks why to say what?

Or to tell her straight that i no longer want to be friends. Not sure how i would frase this as i know she wont understand

OP posts:

Original poster

lucky24 · 19/10/2011 14:07

So my friend contacted to arrange to met on a particular day back in July, i said i couldn't make that day and hoped she was well. No further contact but then she txt last night to say, we haven't met up in ages and can i do lunch one day in the next month. I don't want to met up, shall i ignore of stop being a coward and tell her i don't want to met. How would i phrase this?

OP posts:

rainbow2000 · 19/10/2011 14:38

Just tell her outstraight that you dont want to be friends.My friend hasnt rung me in months,so i ring her 2 weeks ago and she was very cool on the phone,arranged to meet and she didnt turn up.Now thats an awful thing to do i would have rather her be honest at least i would know where i stood.Now i havent a clue what ive done to upset her.Mutual friend asked why she didnt turn up and she tried to say she rang and left a message she didnt,so thats the end of that.

Rogers1 · 19/10/2011 15:01

I can completely sympathise as I have friends & sisters like this.
Focus on your nice fiends & distance yourself from this 'friend'.
People who put you down & knock your confidence are by worth your time or energy.

buzzskeleton · 19/10/2011 15:32

Well, you can go 'Ahhh, really hectic next month but, yeah, yeah, we must meet up sometime' and just never come up with a date. That's what I do , coward that I am .

Blondie73 · 19/10/2011 15:38

Just keep making excuses/stonewalling her. She'll get the message eventually.... although it sounds like she's the one who usually puts all the opinions about when you're together so I bet if you actually stood up to her for once she'd be shocked that you'd done so! You don't have to be friends with someone if you don't want to.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 19/10/2011 15:41

Just let the friendship drift away. If you have to see her in mixed company, the best thing to do with people like this is, if she makes a nasty comment, look at her slightly pityingly and say 'Did you mean to sound so rude?'

But actually getting in touch with someone to declare that they are a Bad Friend and Sacked is not possible to do without looking like a needy, whiny, self-obsessed, self-righteous whanger. And if the person already has form for nasty comments, forcing a confrontation scene will give them the opportunity to hit you with some really nasty ones, why expose yourself to that?

PeppermintPumpkin · 19/10/2011 15:46

I agree with the posters who are saying just let the "friendship" go. She sounds mean and insecure. Think yourself lucky that she's a friend only-I have a mother like this...a whole lot harder to get rid of [hgrin][hgrin]

lolaflores · 19/10/2011 16:19

Think of her as a friend from a time when you were young and didn;t know any better. You need different things now. Don't feel bad. By the way, she sounds like a bitch. Just step back gently

spatchcock · 19/10/2011 16:49

I wouldn't tell her you no longer want to be friends, I would find that really hurtful if someone did it to me. I would just do what others have suggested and say 'I'm really busy over the next few weeks so don't think I can make lunch. Take care, lucky'. Don't make vague promises that you have no intention of keeping.

Original poster

lucky24 · 19/10/2011 23:16

Thanks for the replies, i will send a txt back saying really busy at the min will get back to you ....

OP posts:

rainbow2000 · 21/10/2011 00:06

I think though better she knows than you ignore her.Then she doesnt know what shes done.I would find it more hurtful to be ignored.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 21/10/2011 09:06

Some people like to make hurtful comments to others because they enjoy it. It makes them feel better about themselves to put other people down. Some even enjoy seeing the hurt they cause.

I'm not a big fan of the cowardly custard method of dealing with such people It's not always a good idea to try to avoid having a difficult conversation.

It is easier and less confrontational for you if you ignore her, make excuses, hope she stops calling, etc than it is to say "I don't want to meet up with you any more because I am tired of the snide remarks you keep making", it is less clear. It leads to increased phone calls during the time that someone thinks that I'm busy right now, we'll get together later actually MEANS I'm busy right now, we'll get together later and just makes the whole thing longer and more painful and it doesn't spare any feelings at all.

It's like the difference between getting a plaster off by taking a corner and pulling mm by mm taking big breaks inbetween, trying to avoid even a tiny bit of pain - and grabbing it and ripping the bugger off!

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