I don't love you anymore . . .

[BlueistheColourIthink]

My other half of 2.5 years arrived this evening (long distance) and uttered the immortal words of "we need to talk".

All boils down to a kiss last week where he didn't feel the spark anymore. This added to the fact that he doesn't miss me anymore and doesn't love me anymore. We talked for hours, he's just left. I explained that I felt all relationships go up and down and that surely there must be something else, but no, apparently not. There is a girl at work who he quite likes but nothing else and he doesn't want to go out with her. I've said lots of stuff, some of it quite nasty and some of it quite pathetic.

Has anyone had any experience of a relationship ending this way? On either side?

Blue

xxx

well done big MN trophy for winning a battle of self control (yey!)

very impressed...I know exactly how tough that was for you...

It sounds to me like your BF isn't ready to settle down yet (even at his ripe old age). I was dumped apparently out of the blue a couple of times - both were decent blokes but they just weren't ready for commitment. People who ARE ready can ride out doubts and those times when the spark is missing if the relationship is basically good. Looking back, there were signs that all wasn't well but my mind didn't compute them at the time. I do wish you well - being dumped is very painful, especially if he didn't really do anything wrong, and you will spend some time analysing and agonising - it's all part of the process and the pain WILL pass.

And I made a meal for myself.

A cup of tea and toasted hot cross bun is a meal right?

I hear what you are saying about him just not being ready to settle down. I can understand that. I just wish he was and with me. :-( . I know deep down that I'm hoping he'll miss me, realise the errors of his ways and come back to me. I also know deeper down that this is unlikely to happen.

Blue - just catching up.....yes, I was just saying that the x-trainer work would add to your feel-good etc. Wasn't suggesting that you aren't already "appealing"....... altho' i see how that didn't read well. Glad that I didn't offend you?

yes, contacting him will only end with you feeling worse...so really well done. Eventually you will look back at this phase with great pride.

Not at all offended, but I do appreciate the sweetness of the poster who pointed out it might be the most sensitive thing to say. sigh dreamt about him last night. In my dream we were arguing and we fell out over the phone because I hadn't trusted him over something. The dream ended with me driving to see him to sort it out. I feel physically sick.

Then I think of a lady I work with who emailed yesterday about the race of life, she's just finished treatment for cancer. You'd think it would put it all in perspective, and it does for 5 minutes, then the feelings return. I just need to keep thinking of all the truly heart breaking and unfair things that are happening to lots of people right now.

That is a really good perspective to have. Do you have anyone that you could exercise/jog with?

x-trainer at home sounds really convenient and cracks childcare issues. I find jogging with friend makes it even easier. have a good day

Well - I have just signed up to do a 10k run on New Year's Day with a friend so guess I do. Guess I better get the couch to 5 k into my ipod then!

No tears today. Maybe later but I hope not.

Am going to the New Forest for the weekend with bf and his hubby plus some people I've never met. I wasn't sure at first, I had been planning on retreated to BF house for the weekend and licking my wounds. But he pointed out that a change of scene, people who don't know what's been going on the last week, and somewhere with no memories of him might be good. Slightly worried it might be too soon though? He has promised if it's all too much I just have to give him the look and he'll take me somewhere quiet to be alone.

What do you guys think??

Sounds good about the weekend, as long as you aren't expected to be on top form, can go somewhere to cry/rest if you need to. You might be able to go for a un/healthy walk (I hate both, but sounds like you might like that kind of thing!)

Hot cross bun and tea sounds like fab meal to me, could I have some please, with melted butter?

great on the 10k run and the weekend.

and breathe . . . 1 week today. I should be packing for a weekend away with him, but I'm not. I'm packing for a weekend away without him. And it's welling up inside me. I don't want to cry anymore, haven't for two days but . . .

I hate that this man, who of course I still love and is still wonderful, doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't comprehend how after two years he hasn't even text. I HATE myself for letting someone that clearly doesn't care one jot has such a power over me that I feel this crap.

well done for getting through this week. [csmile]

I heard Prince William saying that grief is the price we pay for love. I thought that was a lovely expression.

What you are going through is harsh and a soort of grief for the man you thouht you knew. I am sure one day to will find someone worthy of your love.

Blue - you will emerge stronger and with much pride. Well done. Hope that you have some rest this weekend.

Blue, I hope you are feeling better.
getting dumped is horrible and there is no easy way - suddenly, gradually, with or without someone else being involved. whatever. It's all horrible.

But good on him for doing it if he wanted to end the relationship.
Take care

Blue - similar story to something I went through nearly 2 years ago..... I did the contact thing, thinking it would help he didn't give a toss and I just felt worse. Keep your chin up and be strong, but accept that its fine for you to feel crap and have every right to be. We don't know your ex or this girl, all I can say is that mine said he needed space for himself (we had both met as we separated from our respective spouses) and he said we had met too soon, however I soon found from mutual friends that within a month he was with someone else and still is now. Delete the facebook friendship, I found it torture!!

Hello everyone,

Well I'm back from a very lovely weekend in the Forest of Dean (not the New Forest as I originally thought). It was in some ways just what I needed.

I think I hit 'bottom' on Saturday night. I just couldn't see the point in trying to move on, or why he would 'do this to me' whatever 'this' is. I was dreading waking up on Sunday but actually felt ok and have done since. There have been a few tears here and there but nothing major and not easily recoverable from.

There has been no contact whatsoever from either side. I know that's for the best but it's difficult.

What I'm struggling with most at the moment is the fact that he seemed to just fall out of love with me so quickly. I'm very grateful to those of you who have posted with similar reasons - I feel quite alone in the fact that there was no underlying cause, no cheating, no nothing. Well not that I know of I guess.

Onwards and upwards.

Hello everyone . . .

well it's two weeks plus now. I don't cry everyday but I do sense 'outbursts' welling up so I save it for when dd is in bed and curl up on the couch and just let it out into a pillow!

I am beginning, as someone suggested earlier on in the thread, to see that things weren't as perfect as I'd let myself believe. There were of course warning signs there.

I sent a text last week. I said "hey there, not sure how this being friends thing works but figure it starts with hello. So, hello. How are you?". No reply which I wasn't surprised at, on reflection.

Feel deflated still and it's one day at a time, sometimes, one foot in front of another.

Thank you everyone, for helping me in more ways than you would know, in getting through one of the toughest times of my life.
xxx

Thanks for the update Blue. I understand why you sent that text message. Part of it is about being an adult isn't it and wanting to take someone at their word about being "friends"? But the deafening silence has taught you that this was just yet another platitude. It's for the best I think, that you have no more contact with him, but I don't under-estimate how hurt you are, or how final that seems.

I think you will learn what really happened here in the coming weeks and months - and I hope you do, so that you can draw a line under the relationship and conclude that there was nothing you could have done to prevent what happened.

In the meantime, keep accepting invitations and offers of listening ears. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

Yeah, I knew I had to send the message. I'd hoped that if he meant what he said about being friends I could rely on the other information. I guess I know that I can't really rely on that.

I've written a very civil, three paragraph email. I'm going to include it at the bottom of this post. I know the best thing would be no more contact, but I'm not sure I can do that. I know I've done really well to get this fair . . .

I've started training for the 10K and am taking up the offer of just about every ear!

Hello,
I accept and understand your decision, I can even see that it?s for the best. Like you said, we want different things and your feelings have changed. However, I can?t just put a full stop at the end of two and half years like that without it causing more angst than is necessary. I guess it was too early for the lets be friends text? Or perhaps you said it and didn?t mean it. I wanted to make contact and wasn?t sure of the best way how, so I went for email. There are some things I?d really appreciate the chance to tell you.

You had a week (or maybe longer?) to prepare for it, I was taken totally by surprise. The thing that is sticking in my head is that last phone call, where you asked me not to say goodbye because you?d be calling in a day or two. That was reassuring because I knew I?d have things I wanted to talk about with you once the dust had settled. However, that phone call never came. I know it?s difficult for you, I?ve been on the other side of the ?we have to talk? conversation and remember it vividly.

Can we talk? Just over the phone so I can draw a line under the last chapter of my life and get ready to start the next? Whatever you think, let me know.

Blue xx

I really wouldn't send it Blue or indeed try to initiate any other contact with him at all. He obviously doesn't want to be in contact or provide any more explanations than he's given. That hurts, but I think you'd regret further contact now.

Yes - I agree.

So why on earth do I still want to send it!!

Give it a few days and then see if you really want to send it, but I honestly wouldn't advise it.

Don't send it, it sounds needy and pathetic. Sorry to be harsh, but many of us have been dumped and when nursing a broken heart there is a lot to be said for retaining some dignity.

You may never understand why he took the decision to finish the relationship. Best just to grieve and keep plodding on until you feel better.

Also, why do you want to be friends? Do you really want to be "just" friends? Path to pain, think he may actually be doing you a favour by not contacting you.

Also, do not write draft emails, too easy to quickly send (and later regret). Likewise texts. Write it all down in a notebook or something, but don't send!