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Original poster

To be annoyed about dinner tonight?

68 replies

notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 20:52

ok.... Back story is dh and I both work full time, mine is flexible hours but 35 hours a week expected and we have the same income (I'm a funded phd). We can only afford nursery for dd who is 17 months 3 afternoons a week, the rest is supposed to be shared parenting around dh's shifts.... It's rubbish and I only get to do 20-25 hours at most a week and that includes some evenings... I lost it with dh and ds(11) a few weeks ago as I was also doing 90% of chores so we agreed an allocation of chores which included dh cooking twice a week and ds once a week, it's been rubbish, they haven't done any cooking!

This week dh is off work as it's his birthday on Wednesday and we have had the usual crap of 'it's my holiday, I shouldn't have to do housework/childre etc' but it's not my holiday, I have tons of work to do and the poxy bank holidays fall on days when dd is usually in nursery! (Monday and Friday!)

This week we agreed I would go to work this afternoon as usual and tomorrow i would work all day, Wednesday is day off and Thursday I have to drive ds to his aunties so another day off,... I might e able to grab sometime on Friday....

At the weekend I said to dh that I would cook Sunday and Wednesday and Thursday etc but he and ds need to agree between them who is cooking Monday and Tuesday as I would like to not have to cook after work for once....

This morning dh decides that he will take dd to nursey so I might as well go in early to work (10:30 instead of 1) and that he'll sort out ds too (ds went into town with his mates).... Great!

Dh drops dd off at nursery at 1 and then goes into town... I pick up dd atv5, come home, feed gerund out her to bed, ds asks what's for dinner so I tell him to talk to dh (who is still out in town/pub) and dh goes mental and says I am taking the piss!

He texts this and calls and basically says I am ungrateful and that he did something nice for me and I should be happy and lucky that he does so much! Apparently I am out of order for saying that someone should have told me if I was expected to cook tonight so that I could get food out of freezer or buy what was needed!

He is in a right mood with me and shouted when he came in so I told him I wasnt being spoken to like that and came upstairs! he has gone out and just texted that he isn't coming home until I apologise!

Aibu or is he? Bet he'll say he isn't watching dd tomorrow morning before nursery now or tell me

OP posts:
Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 20:54

Blimey that's long....sorry!

OP posts:
Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 20:54

And I missed the end bit...

And tell me I am an ungrateful bitch etc!

OP posts:
Happymm · 18/04/2011 20:57

He is BU. Don't apologise and see how long it takes him to come home :o

bubblecoral · 18/04/2011 21:00

YABU to expect 'someone' to tell you. It is yours and your dh's responsibility to sort these things out between you. It is not your 11yo son's responsibility. Maybe it's just me, but there is no way I would expect an 11yo to be responsible for sorting out dinner, especially as it sounds like you had nothing ready to be sorted for him. You job is to support his education, not the other way round.

YANBU to be pissed off with your dh, it sounds like he needs to pull his finger out.

raedrenn · 18/04/2011 21:00

umm.. don't know if uabu or not. Sounds like lots of mixed meassages. I think it may be a bit much to expect an 11 year old to cook dinner though

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 21:03

He likes cooking and several of his friends cook 1-3 times a week, something simple is fine and I am happy to supervise!

It was agreed that I wasn't responsible for tea tonight and tomorrow and yet it fell back to me at 7:30 tonight! I wouldn't have minded being told at lunchtime or even mid afternoon so I could sort something but not when dd was in bed and dh out so that I couldn't nip to shop!

OP posts:
onepieceofcremeegg · 18/04/2011 21:05

tbh if it was mainly about the cooking then you could sort it all out quite easily. (e.g. on the night your ds is meant to cook then just buy in really simple ingredients such as jacket potatoes or pasta with a sauce)

However it sounds as if it is more to do with your dh's attitude and lack of communication between you. Would he be willing to discuss this? if not then I really believe your problems run deeper than housework/childcare etc

You sound really angry and frustrated. He is really not pulling his weight by the sound of it.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 18/04/2011 21:05

You don't get to take holiday's away from your family for an entire week just because it's yer frigging birthday!

He is being VU and childish. If you work similar hours then you should be doing similar wrt house/childcare.

I'll flip it around. He's on holiday, has nothing else to do, and 'offered' to take his own kid to nursery so you could go to work. If it were me I would have asked him to do this anyway, or my DP would have offered. This is NORMAL.

Wanting a fucking chufty badge for looking after his own children makes him a massive twat. Saying he isn't going to look after HIS OWN CHILD makes him an immature wanker.

FFS.. why do you put up with this shit?

onepieceofcremeegg · 18/04/2011 21:06

Actually you should have minded even if you had been "told" at lunchtime/mid afternoon. If your dh had agreed to sort it then he should have done.

onepieceofcremeegg · 18/04/2011 21:08

How often does he call you an ungrateful bitch??

Yet another example of his awful attitude and behaviour, and how this is so much more than who does the nursery run or sticks a bit of pasta in a pan.

bubblecoral · 18/04/2011 21:08

Even if he likes cooking, you still have to provide the ingredients, or make sure that it has been done by the other person. You need to communicate with your dh, who sounds like a lazy arse btw.

nenevomito · 18/04/2011 21:15

YANBU - dh has acted like a nob IMO

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 18/04/2011 21:17

Your 'D'H is BU. He's a parent, parents don't get holidays from chores/childcare even if they book them from work. Doing chores/childcare is not helping you, it's pulling his weight, which he doesn't seem to do tbh.

Do not apologise. You'd be better off if he didn't come home.

Personally, I'd rather grow old and die alone then live with a selfish, pathetic wanker like him.

lookingfoxy · 18/04/2011 21:24

Agree with ChaoticAngel 100%

jenga079 · 18/04/2011 21:34

What?! DH is being an arse! I'm on holidays at the moment so I'm doing much more house stuff than I usually do. There's no way in the world I'd expect DP to cook or clean (much!) when I'm not working. During term time he does almost everything. You need serious words with DH!

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 21:35

I havent apologised and he's come home but I am relaxing in the bath (yay iPhone! Grin ) he's tried calling me but knows I don't answer phone in bath as it's next to dd's room and is likely to wake her up!

It's sad but if I realised it would be like this I would never have let hom move in/get married/have dd (although I am so glad I have dd!) (ds is his dss)

OP posts:
KatyH · 18/04/2011 21:38

What Jareth said.

It sounds like you can't rely on him very much at all. He does the occasional 'treat' and you're meant to be eternally grateful?!! I also don't think there's anything wrong with ds doing some simple cooking. Perhaps in the future he'll be appreciative of the work that goes in to running a household and be less likely to behave like his father.

kalo12 · 18/04/2011 21:43

all sounds stressful, agree with other posters that ds is too young to sort dinner out.

make a lasagne / shepherds pie that will last two days. quiche, soup beans on toast, sandwiches, boiled eggs etc. sounds like you both want more time so you need to find solutions.
feeding your children should be an area you could both agree on.

maybe ds could help with some housework - folding washing, washing up, emptying bins?

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 21:49

Ds wont eat lasagne, beans.... Often has sandwiches...

Tried cooking big batches but dh has a habit Of eating in the middle of the night and attacking it....

Ds already has some chores and actually wants to cook.... He knows to let me know what ingredients he wants or to go to the co op and get them (I pay!)....

Just out of the bath and have had a text.... Dh wants to talk to me! Mmm wonder what crap he"ll spout now!

OP posts:
Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 21:54

Well that was quick.... He told me his is not impressed with me! I said I was not impressed with him telling me to f off and shouting at me and then he accused me of 'resenting looking after dd'!

How dare he!!! I have told him we are over and he has to leave to which he has told me I need to hear some home truths and to grow up!

What a w**ker!

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 18/04/2011 21:58

I can't believe people live like this. You are living together and should work and help each other in your home. Does Dh think he is living in the 1950's?

There should be no need for a rota, that's what students sharing a house have. If Dh will only contribute by being forced to I would be having a very serious chat.

QuickLookBusy · 18/04/2011 22:01

Sorry x posted notre

He sounds so immature. Sad

Hope you are OK.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 18/04/2011 22:01

He accused you of resenting looking after dd Shock

Cheeky twunt Angry

compo · 18/04/2011 22:06

I feel sorry for your 11 year old

he asks what's for dinner and you say 'ask your dad'

it all sounds petty and a load of crap to me

you were in, your dh was out, and your son was hungry
doesn't take long to rustle up some pasta and tuna
sounds like you need a rethink

kalo12 · 18/04/2011 22:11

a PHD you say? and feeding your kids is a problem

I think your dh is right, you need to grow up