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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To be annoyed about dinner tonight?

68 replies

notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 20:52

ok.... Back story is dh and I both work full time, mine is flexible hours but 35 hours a week expected and we have the same income (I'm a funded phd). We can only afford nursery for dd who is 17 months 3 afternoons a week, the rest is supposed to be shared parenting around dh's shifts.... It's rubbish and I only get to do 20-25 hours at most a week and that includes some evenings... I lost it with dh and ds(11) a few weeks ago as I was also doing 90% of chores so we agreed an allocation of chores which included dh cooking twice a week and ds once a week, it's been rubbish, they haven't done any cooking!

This week dh is off work as it's his birthday on Wednesday and we have had the usual crap of 'it's my holiday, I shouldn't have to do housework/childre etc' but it's not my holiday, I have tons of work to do and the poxy bank holidays fall on days when dd is usually in nursery! (Monday and Friday!)

This week we agreed I would go to work this afternoon as usual and tomorrow i would work all day, Wednesday is day off and Thursday I have to drive ds to his aunties so another day off,... I might e able to grab sometime on Friday....

At the weekend I said to dh that I would cook Sunday and Wednesday and Thursday etc but he and ds need to agree between them who is cooking Monday and Tuesday as I would like to not have to cook after work for once....

This morning dh decides that he will take dd to nursey so I might as well go in early to work (10:30 instead of 1) and that he'll sort out ds too (ds went into town with his mates).... Great!

Dh drops dd off at nursery at 1 and then goes into town... I pick up dd atv5, come home, feed gerund out her to bed, ds asks what's for dinner so I tell him to talk to dh (who is still out in town/pub) and dh goes mental and says I am taking the piss!

He texts this and calls and basically says I am ungrateful and that he did something nice for me and I should be happy and lucky that he does so much! Apparently I am out of order for saying that someone should have told me if I was expected to cook tonight so that I could get food out of freezer or buy what was needed!

He is in a right mood with me and shouted when he came in so I told him I wasnt being spoken to like that and came upstairs! he has gone out and just texted that he isn't coming home until I apologise!

Aibu or is he? Bet he'll say he isn't watching dd tomorrow morning before nursery now or tell me

OP posts:
Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 22:19

Thank you Kalo and compo.... Going on that basis then I should cook every night as the nights dh isn't working he goes to the pub and comes back between 7 and 9!

I don't object to cooking tonight I would have just liked some warning!

He has now said I am a remote parent, claims he does all the parenting (he does about 20% if that)....

OP posts:
michelle2011 · 18/04/2011 22:20

it does sound like the whole thing is getting out of hand, but i understand completely. you know up and down the country theres women slogging it looking after the house, working in a paid job, taking care of the children and men who just come home sit down, eat, then go to the pub. i dont blame you for losing it you dont exist to make his life as comfortable as possible. you need to discuss how you are both going to help each other with the children.

i think you may need to have a rethink about your 11 year old, i think he should really cook for fun and not on a schedule.

doesnt sound like a happy home, its gotta be a bit of an atmosphere there

hope you get it sorted asap

michelle2011 · 18/04/2011 22:22

wow thats lots of pubbing it, lots of relaxation for DP and less for you hmmm you gotta have words

Xales · 18/04/2011 22:24

Eh? Her H agreed to cook for 1 night and then fecked off out and didn't bother and it is all the OP being immature because she doesn't want to cook every night?

Then he has a tantrum and calls her names and insults her parenting! Her H is the one taking the piss not her!

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 18/04/2011 22:36

yanbu. your dh is an arse.

though your ds sounds like great boy, hope you tell him he is great but really must never swear at his mother. Grin

was ds who said your taking the piss, or did I read that totaly wrong.

KatieMiddleton · 18/04/2011 22:46

Sounds like you have three children. He needs to man up and take some responsibility.

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 22:47

It was dh not ds, ds is a lovely sensitive boy who has overheard dh telling me I am a crap parent! I've given him a hug and told him not to worry, I feel sad for him as I split from his dad when he was 3 /4 and now it looks like he's gonna lose his step dad.... I should have stayed single but then I wouldn't have dd.....Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 22:48

Dh has said he is going to his mums tomorrow so won't face up to the issues, won't accept his role in this...

OP posts:
Xales · 18/04/2011 22:49

Can't you ask him to go tonight? Sorry I am a shit stirrer Grin

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 18/04/2011 22:50

Sad for you but talk to dh tell him how it is or he goes.

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 18/04/2011 22:51

x post

well im with xales on this one

vickylou2004 · 18/04/2011 22:54

What times do you both get home from work?

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 22:58

It varies, for dh he either finishes at 3 or 9:30pm, I am flexible but have to fit in ny 35 hours around him. He's on holiday this week and I got back with dd from nursery at 5;30 and fed her and put her to bed at 6:30-7:15 ish, she feeds alot.....

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 18/04/2011 23:01

Best he goes to his Mums and stays there - permanently. It's much easier to sort out 2 children than 3!!

I'm sorry that your DS is going to be hurt by him leaving - but maybe he will be relieved too?!

SarkyLady · 18/04/2011 23:06

Your set up is unsustainable. Imo there is no way you can get a phd done on 35 hours a week let alone less. What will happen when the funding runs out after 3 years?

You can't do this unless you p is prepared to support you and you find a way to get more childcare.

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 23:06

Now I could be selfish and say it's typical he's decided to do this the night before he is due to look after dd in the morning and ia instead going up to mummy's..... Mmmm

Oh well, I will cope! I feel so gutted that marriage number two is broke and dd will have to move between houses like ds does.....

OP posts:
Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 23:07

My funding runs out just after Xmas.... I am aiming to submit in the new year.... Yikes

OP posts:
Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 23:24

I have just apologised for my part in the Arguement and that I respect his decision to go... He's sat in the garden drinking and smoking....

OP posts:
KatyH · 18/04/2011 23:24

I think you should ask yourself how your life would change if your dh wasn't there. That can be quite a good indicator of just how much he is doing. I was getting fed up of doing everything and only when I pointed out to my dh that if he left it would make no difference whatsoever to my life (on a practical level that is) did he start to take it on board and do things.

Also, I think you're getting an unfairly hard time re not cooking for your son. You had made an arrangment with him and his father and yet it fell to you to sort out. It's not like you were refusing to feed him.

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 18/04/2011 23:34

Thank you KatyH....

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 18/04/2011 23:35

Are you ok?

now is not the time for regretting getting into a relationship. I presume you made the best decision at the time based on the facts you had available . Hind sight is a wonderful thing. please don't beat yourself up about it now.

it is not unreasonable for you to expect to be told there has been a change of plan and you were now expected to cook, though it may have been better to have cooked something for ds and yourself, leaving dh to find his own food. difficult to do though when you are so peeved with h.

you have to decide what you are going to do now. cooling off overnight is a good idea. i have a horribkle feeling that mr I have an entitlement to a holiday from everything will still think he has done no wrong in the morning though.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 18/04/2011 23:41

I'm sorry to say this but having read your other threads I think you're better off without him Sad

FabbyChic · 19/04/2011 00:03

Marriage is a partnership, and both have to do what it takes to make it work, sounds like to me that your partner wants to do nothing but expects it all in return.

positivesteps · 19/04/2011 02:27

it doesn't sound a happy home at all. What I can't understand is if you fed your daughter why couldn't you feed your son at the same time? I know your husband was supposed to make tea but if he wasn't there then it is your duty as a parent to then feed him. The issues are with your husband not your son. I just think you could have made his tea. Fine don't make your husbands but make your sons.

If your husbands not going to help more and it sounds like he's out anyway most nights then just make yours and the children's. He will have to make his own or get something when he's out. Hopefully he might start helping out a bit more.

Either way it doesn't sound great.

southofthethames · 19/04/2011 02:53

YANBU, your DH is BU. But it's incredible how many DHs think it's ok to swear in front of their kids at their spouses and then they wonder why their kids don't respect them.

Explain to DS that grownups make mistakes too and it was a mistake for DH to talk like that to you (if you were shouting back, you'll need to tell DS you shouldn't have either).

In future, just rustle up dinner for you, DD and DS. (Unless DH is super nice and reports that he is indeed coming home) If DS only wants to eat sandwiches, he can always get two slices of bread and put his pasta/potatoes/stew inbetween and come up with a sandwich! When kids get hungry enough they will eventually eat what's there. Don't get into that habit that some working mums have of entertaining requests for 3 different meals from 3 different people. If they aren't allergic to eat, they have to eat it - or starve.

Oh, if your DS is keen to cook, encourage him - give him a chance to do it on a Sat and give him a reward (something small like book token with his name written on it) if he manages to do it without fail for three months. kids need motivation. You can go shopping together, you and both children. Can even teach him that if ingredients are costly, what cheaper alternatives are useful to swop with. You could shop Sat daytime.

Let DH go stay with his mum. She'll eventually get fed up of him and tell him to behave so that she can get her own life back.

Good luck!

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