To be annoyed about dinner tonight?

[notremotelyintofootie]

ok.... Back story is dh and I both work full time, mine is flexible hours but 35 hours a week expected and we have the same income (I'm a funded phd). We can only afford nursery for dd who is 17 months 3 afternoons a week, the rest is supposed to be shared parenting around dh's shifts.... It's rubbish and I only get to do 20-25 hours at most a week and that includes some evenings... I lost it with dh and ds(11) a few weeks ago as I was also doing 90% of chores so we agreed an allocation of chores which included dh cooking twice a week and ds once a week, it's been rubbish, they haven't done any cooking!

This week dh is off work as it's his birthday on Wednesday and we have had the usual crap of 'it's my holiday, I shouldn't have to do housework/childre etc' but it's not my holiday, I have tons of work to do and the poxy bank holidays fall on days when dd is usually in nursery! (Monday and Friday!)

This week we agreed I would go to work this afternoon as usual and tomorrow i would work all day, Wednesday is day off and Thursday I have to drive ds to his aunties so another day off,... I might e able to grab sometime on Friday....

At the weekend I said to dh that I would cook Sunday and Wednesday and Thursday etc but he and ds need to agree between them who is cooking Monday and Tuesday as I would like to not have to cook after work for once....

This morning dh decides that he will take dd to nursey so I might as well go in early to work (10:30 instead of 1) and that he'll sort out ds too (ds went into town with his mates).... Great!

Dh drops dd off at nursery at 1 and then goes into town... I pick up dd atv5, come home, feed gerund out her to bed, ds asks what's for dinner so I tell him to talk to dh (who is still out in town/pub) and dh goes mental and says I am taking the piss!

He texts this and calls and basically says I am ungrateful and that he did something nice for me and I should be happy and lucky that he does so much! Apparently I am out of order for saying that someone should have told me if I was expected to cook tonight so that I could get food out of freezer or buy what was needed!

He is in a right mood with me and shouted when he came in so I told him I wasnt being spoken to like that and came upstairs! he has gone out and just texted that he isn't coming home until I apologise!

Aibu or is he? Bet he'll say he isn't watching dd tomorrow morning before nursery now or tell me

Typo: if they aren't allergic to IT, not "eat"

Fed dd = breast feed....

Oh, lol- not sure you 11 yo would want a share of that :)
FWIW, my ExP was the same, always saying how much childcare he did, and how I was a bad mother and should be at home to look after him and DCs. At home a lot more then me, but virtually no housework done- he thought it was enough to look after DCs and walk the dog, everything else was my problem. Then accused me of being lazy!
Partly the reason he is an Ex (arse....). UA def NBU!!!
Does his mother do everything for him when he's there?

Seems to me like you were both at fault, and really it's a pretty petty thing to split up a marriage over, especially with kids. I think you both need to grow up a bit.

tbh Amateurish think thats a bit harsh maybe you havent read all the posts the woman is working flat out and from what shes written the partner doesnt seem to be helping much

yanbu, but yabu to not give the 11 year old soemthing to eat 9like a fried egg and toast, baked beans, cheese on toast, whatever.).

Your DH sounds like a really classy man. Not.

I think you are both coming from different view points here.

According to him, he works full time, you can study around his work as much as time allows and on the odd occasion when he is on holidays he can manage to let you study a bit more. In return for this he expects you to sort dinner and the house while he is working.

From your point of view - you BOTH work full time. You both bring in exactly the same wage BUT DH's work is taking priority (as you dont have enough childcare for both of you to work your full hours). On top of your job getting sidelined while DH gets priority over the available childcare, he is also expecting you to do everything around the house and cook when you are already stressed about not having enough time to spend on your WORK let alone have time to do more around the house.

You either need to make him see your very valid view point and get him to understand that OR get adequate childcare so that you can BOTH do your jobs properly without this stress and then share the housework and cooking 50/50 after working hours (which will be a lot easier once the stress of managing to get your work fitted in is gone)

Wow your DH sound extremely immature, rude and entitled.

Children deserve to grow up with adults who will teach by good example, who will respect others, work hard and not complain.

Small children are hard work. Everyone knows this. Why did your DH not realise in advance how hard this would be so that he was prepared to pull his weight?

I feel sorry for your poor DS having to be in the middle of this. It can't be much fun for him.

Followme you have got it exactly right! And actually with teaching and marking I bring in more money and 'carried' him for about a year when he didn't work....

We had a chat before dd and agreed in 50/50 parenting so we didn't need childcare, it wasn't working so I fought to get 3 afternoons a week in nursery... He doesn't like paying for childcare and we have no family near to help....

I have had enough now.... He has criticised my parenting too much last night, he calls me names etc... I never criticise him as a dad and never call him names.... He really is a shit husband. Unfortunately he can't stay at his mums long term as she lives 50 miles away and he can't drive so won't be able to get to work....

He's still in bed, no word from him since last night....

I agree he sounds awful. Taking his own child to nursery was "doing something nice for you."

He thinks he does most of the work, does he?

I guess I'd say to him - as KatyH pointed out - that I thought my life would be considerably easier with him gone. If he thinks it would be harder, then we'll see.

If he moves out and you come crawling to him to come back because it's all too hard, he'll know he's right.

It's not your problem where he stays.

From his perspective - he put in the extra effort to look after both kids in the morning so you could get to work earlier than expected, which would help you out. Then when your son asked if you could prepare him some food for dinner you refused on the basis that you had agreed with your H that he would cook. I presume your son phoned your H to say help, Mum won't make me dinner, she says it's your turn.

So while he may have been at fault for not cooking, you didn't deal with that in a very constructive way. Maybe you should have done your son's dinner, then told your H that while you appreciated his help in the morning, you also expect him to stick to the agreed cooking schedule.

From my perspective I have to constantly fight to get any time to work, I have had 2 slots of 2 hour me time in 17 months, I do 90-95% of housework and on saturday it was agreed that he wa responsible for dinner after I was working on Monday and Tuesday.

Re dd, I do all the night wakings and get up every morning with her from 6 am onwards, I have had 3 lie ins since dd was born.

Dh gets to go to work full time and changes his shifts as and when he likes, he decides when he is booking time off and expects me to fit around that, he goes to the pub/around the shops on his own 3-5 times a week, he has had 2 weekends away with mates.... He claims he can't do any housework or childcare when he is working nights and sleeps all day the day before he starts as well as in between then after his last night shift he gets up at 3 and goes into town to the pub....

He expects his clothes washed etc and moans if I don't have beer in the house. He doesn't believe in valentines day or mothers day but makes no effort to be romantic or show any appreciation on any other day...

He can't drive and despite his dad saying he'd pay for lessons 3-4 years ago he has made no attempt to get his license or start to Learn to drive and so I always have to drive every where....

There are other things that I have posted about before but I am so fed up being the default house slave and child carer!

Notremotely I would print off your last post and give it to your husband.

He needs to realise, like some people posting here, that your resentment is not just about what happened last night. It has been building up for a long time, and you refusing to make tea for DS was your way of getting through to him how serious the situation is.

It sounds like you've let things get into a state where he's used to doing as he pleases - having holidays and sleeping in and having time to himself, and having a servant to run around doing everything for him, and being a selfish person he's been quite happy with that arrangement and reacting badly to having it challenged now.

Not blaming you, at least you're fed up and pushing back now, but it's difficult when these roles and habits become entrenched. How did you come to be washing his clothes, cooking his dinner every day, supplying him with beer etc, you're not his housewife or his maid! He should be taking equal responsibility for looking after the children and running the house. Is he not ashamed of treating you so badly?

If I were you I would be thinking about exactly what you get out of this relationship - and telling him so.

He's a cocklodger. Chuck him out.
You mentioned 'letting him move in' - that;s classic cocklodger behaviour, being very keen to move in to your house; they are always nicey-nice until they get their feet under the table and then they basically expect to be looked after because they are the Man in the house, and when there is a Man in the house, then everything revolves around him.
When you've got rid of this one, do soserious thinking about how badly you have internalised the idea that any Man is better than singledom when singledom is so clearly so much better than having a cocklodger in the house.

Oh I do like that term "cocklodger"

Never heard of it before. Sums things up pretty well though

It is always the straw that breaks the camel's back so this isn't about cooking dinner but about everything else you have mentioned.

Is there any chance you could talk to each other calmly and see if you can get through this or is it too badly damaged?

YANBU in expecting your husband to take some responsibility for his OWN CHILDREN AND LIFE!! (what Jareth said, basically, and I am loving the expression "chufty badge"). He is using your DD as a weapon "I won't watch her tomorrow now"... that's just pathetic.

I hope my child will cook my dinner at 11yo though, so I'm a little in awe of you here but also a bit that you're upset it didn't happen... I know you'd tried to plan it as best you could but I think I'd have had a fall-back plan. 11-year-olds probably aren't the most reliable and timely chefs.