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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Online dating - advice please!

77 replies

ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 10:39

Started chatting to a super funny guy last week on Guardian Soulmates. He's had me in stitches and he felt the same way. We've spoken on the phone and he's been pretty full on saying he'd really like to meet me etc. etc. Saturday night was out with friends in town and he was texting me all night. My friend said to come and join us (grabbed my phone drunkenly!!) and he said he would normally but really likes this one (me) and wanted to meet me properly. Yesterday morning he text and said it was such a lovely day he wished he knew me properly as it was a nice day to drive over. So I said ok, come over lets meet. He said he would love to and re-arranged his plans (he was supposed to go into work). We met at a nearby pub. He gave me a big hug and a kiss, told me I was so funny. We chatted easily for an hour and a half. At one point he asked me if I had any availability next week. Near the end, he told me he had to go as he had a friend having an operation on her foot and he was going to visit her. (This was at about 2.30pm). We had a 'little' snog goodbye and he said he would be in touch. Now, he's been texting me quite a lot and I have heard NOTHING since. No text to say he had a nice time, no phone call. My intuition is pretty spot on and I feel the attraction to me wasn't there in real life. I think he prefers slim, skinny girls and I'm very curvy. Maybe I'm just self conscious (I'm loosing weight at the moment) but I cant think it would be anything else as we got on so well and he was quite full on before. But I am new at this dating business. (not long divorced). I'm a really confident person normally.

Should I just a. wait for him to contact me (the longer it's taking the more I'm loosing interest anyway). or b. send him a text and say it was fun to meet him, I feel maybe the attraction is not there for him and I'm cool with it. Or c. do you all think I'm nuts!!!

oh - and btw, I like him, but I wouldn't be devastated if he wasn't interested. But the just not contacting me is making me feel crap about myself!!!!

OP posts:

TDada · 18/04/2011 11:05

Best to move on ...don"t get stuck on this one

musthavesleep · 18/04/2011 11:18

hiya, just started with the online dating game myself & theres no set rule about how to let someone down easily.. maybe his idea is just to not contact you ever again. its all a bit of a gamble online dating it seems. you can message online & text for ages thinking you like someone but till you actually meet up you never really know. photos never really help that much either & although personality is the most important thing, you do have to fancy someone dont you? i've found people use pictures from years ago when they still had hair lol....
its early days, he could be busy, & we could make a million excuses for him but from a lot of texts to nothing seems to speak volumes. i would trust your instincts & move on to the next one who could be perfect for you.
if you wanna text from him though, to let you know what he's feeling or not feeling then go for it & text him first..men are usually a bit chicken at putting things into words i've found

boxingHelena · 18/04/2011 11:39

what Tdada said
In my experience the one who are full on so early on are - generally speaking - the one who fade away the fastest
Keep a good balance to start with, not too much involvement till you meet up in person. Sad but true, till people meet it is nearly a total waste of time even to have the most amazing laughs .... rolling eyes

gawdonbennett · 18/04/2011 11:40

Text him and say ' sorry you're a
Nice guy but the attraction is just not there for me'
I bet he'll come running after that.

boxingHelena · 18/04/2011 11:42

gawdonbennett.... great line dont mind me using it myself! :-)
oooh I am soooo rusty need some good tips myself

cabbageroses · 18/04/2011 12:06

my brother does online dating and he likes women to be pretty upfront. he does the same back. he feels it is only good manners to let them know one way or the other.his usual behaviour is to send a text /email and say he had a nice time, meet up again soon ect if he liked them- if not, he texts " nice to meet you but don't want to take it any further. hope you have some luck on xxxxx site".

if you want to put yourself out of your misery then I would text once to say nice to spend some time with you after all the online chatting. Then leave it- he will either respond with another date - ot just sayyes nice to meeet you- or even no reply.

good luck.

Original poster

ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 12:13

Well, that's what I think. Im not put out if he isn't interested... I would just like to be told instead of ignored! Especially as he was so full on about me. That pretty much sucks. I know there is nothing wrong with me. I am very curvy but I do seem to attract a lot of attention from guys when I am out (I'm not being vain when I say that!!). I dont want to appear desperate though to him as we only had one date. It's not like my heart is involved. It's like a bloody minefield!!!

Plus, it's quite superficial isn't it.

OP posts:

gawdonbennett · 18/04/2011 13:51

If it's any consolation I love 'curvy' girls. You can date me if you like ;-)

Original poster

ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 14:11

Ha ha! Thanks! :-)

OP posts:

KnickersOnOnesHead · 18/04/2011 14:17

Maybe he might be feeling the same way?

Just a thought.

I'm not having much look with this internet dating malarkey. Same as you though, I'm sure they all want skinny ones!

Original poster

ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 14:29

Maybe. But if I text and he texts back he's not interested is it worse? He was very forward with me. I think he would be in touch if he liked me. Well, I was seeing someone jan/feb that I met online and he was great, just not ready for anything serious (almost divorced, still dealing with the breakup). I do have another date Friday. But yep. Everything is quite superficial really isn't it and I hate that!! Which dating site are you on?

OP posts:

cabbageroses · 18/04/2011 14:32

Just text him- and maybe say that it's always nice to know even ifit is a no- it might teach him some dating manners.

gawdonbennett · 18/04/2011 14:33

Soooo...not ready for anything serious eh.
Does that mean you're just after sex then?

OTheHugeManatee · 18/04/2011 14:35

I met DP on Guardian Soulmates and we're getting married next year. And I'm not a blonde skinny 'perfect 10'. There's no reason to feel down on yourself just because you don't tick the media-enforced box for how women should look.

From what I can remember of the online dating thing, I'd arrange a few other dates with other people. Have some fun!

cabbageroses · 18/04/2011 14:36

why don't you 2 just ge a room- or at least flirt in private-smile]

KnickersOnOnesHead · 18/04/2011 14:46

What's guardian Soulmates like?

Not full of tosspots like POF???

Original poster

ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 15:01

Gawdonbennet - he wasn't ready for anything serious and I'm not that kind of girl!! :-)

Knickersononeshead - I think you are right .... POF, match.com seem to have a lot of tosspots looking for one thing. I'm not saying there aren't some like that on guardian, but I've had some good dates and the guys seem more genuine somehow (maybe not this one!!).

And othehugemanatee - congrats!! And yea, not everyone is after skinny. Thank gawd!!

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 18/04/2011 15:03

But dating should be superficial and lighthearted in the early stages. People who want to get all deep and serious on the first date are either desperate or potentially abusive.
I think in this case it would be reasonable to send one text to this man along the lines of 'Nice meeting you the other day' and see if he responds, but if he doesn't, move on to the next one.

Oh and as to Guardian SOulmates, a pal of mine met her very nice H through it when she was a lone parent of a toddler DD, she now has a DD2 with her H and a DSS and they are all very happy.

cabbageroses · 18/04/2011 15:08

I don't know if dating should always be superficial and light hearted; depends what you want.

people wh o use marriage/dating services like Drawing Down the Moon say very clearly what they want- a serious relationship/partner.

myy brother who is 46 makes it quite clear in his profile that he is looking for a long term relationship at this stage of his life.

gawdonbennett · 18/04/2011 15:09

Maybe I'll do that cabbagerose :-)

cabbageroses · 18/04/2011 15:11

maybe you are my brother for all I know!

Original poster

ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 15:28

Sorry Gawdonbennett - do you think this is an online dating service ;-)

And yes, I agree. Dating should be lighthearted and superficial. I've had three guys be very intense with me from the word go! Oh and this will make you laugh. One of those three guys, as I say, very intense. Called me one night and we spent ages on the phone talking. He was 46. Next morning he text me to say how much he enjoyed our chat and can we meet up. 2 minutes later sends another text to me - but to another lady!!! Major Faux pas! ha ha. Poor guy nearly died!!

The one I'm seeing at the weekend hasn't been too full on, but has been lovely and attentive. I'm not sure I'll actually meet a guy for a long term relationship through online dating (though who knows) but it's got me back on the dating scene.

Hmmmm. I'm still not sure whether to send a text or not.

OP posts:

gawdonbennett · 18/04/2011 15:35

No your right ginnyjeans. Internet dating is rubbish. Much more chance of meeting mr right here on mumsnet i reckon.

HelloMyNameIsHilda · 18/04/2011 15:36

I'd text - he's displaying very bad manners I think and if it's niggling you just do it - as you say you aren't after marriage, just some decent manners

and btw I'm a "curvy" woman and I met my DP on soulmates last year and he LOVES the curves, has made me feel so good about myself, like I never knew was possible

so don't despair, they don't all like skinny

can't you tick curvy on soulmates anyway? I think I ticked average cos I don't have big norks and I didn't want anyone to get disappointed as that's what curvy is often shorthand for my substantial rear end is where my curves mostly gather and afaik they don't have a "big arse" tickbox. Yet.

I met some lovely men on soulmates.

gawdonbennett · 18/04/2011 15:39

Just out of interest...Are you girls curvy in a Dawn French or Nigella Lawson type way?

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