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Original poster

Online dating - advice please!

77 replies

ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 10:39

Started chatting to a super funny guy last week on Guardian Soulmates. He's had me in stitches and he felt the same way. We've spoken on the phone and he's been pretty full on saying he'd really like to meet me etc. etc. Saturday night was out with friends in town and he was texting me all night. My friend said to come and join us (grabbed my phone drunkenly!!) and he said he would normally but really likes this one (me) and wanted to meet me properly. Yesterday morning he text and said it was such a lovely day he wished he knew me properly as it was a nice day to drive over. So I said ok, come over lets meet. He said he would love to and re-arranged his plans (he was supposed to go into work). We met at a nearby pub. He gave me a big hug and a kiss, told me I was so funny. We chatted easily for an hour and a half. At one point he asked me if I had any availability next week. Near the end, he told me he had to go as he had a friend having an operation on her foot and he was going to visit her. (This was at about 2.30pm). We had a 'little' snog goodbye and he said he would be in touch. Now, he's been texting me quite a lot and I have heard NOTHING since. No text to say he had a nice time, no phone call. My intuition is pretty spot on and I feel the attraction to me wasn't there in real life. I think he prefers slim, skinny girls and I'm very curvy. Maybe I'm just self conscious (I'm loosing weight at the moment) but I cant think it would be anything else as we got on so well and he was quite full on before. But I am new at this dating business. (not long divorced). I'm a really confident person normally.

Should I just a. wait for him to contact me (the longer it's taking the more I'm loosing interest anyway). or b. send him a text and say it was fun to meet him, I feel maybe the attraction is not there for him and I'm cool with it. Or c. do you all think I'm nuts!!!

oh - and btw, I like him, but I wouldn't be devastated if he wasn't interested. But the just not contacting me is making me feel crap about myself!!!!

OP posts:
HelloMyNameIsHilda · 18/04/2011 15:53

I'm more nigella-esque, well my bum is at least !

gawdonbennett · 18/04/2011 15:59

phwooooaaarrr!!

HelloMyNameIsHilda · 18/04/2011 16:02

pardon me Hmm Shock ?

gawdonbennett · 18/04/2011 16:22

That means you sound hot.

soverign21 · 18/04/2011 16:31

could be wrong but maybe he's using the "3 day rule", some people seem to think that you can't call for 3 days, it's bull but some do stick to it, i would send him a text saying 'lovely to meet you, how's your friend doing?'
If you get no reply then move on and put it down to experience

gawdonbennett · 18/04/2011 16:34

Nah...she doesn't wanna do that. I think she should just kick him into touch.
I mean, there are plenty more men out there eh ginnyjeans? ;-)

TheOriginalFAB · 18/04/2011 16:38

My advice would be to think about what you want. If you want to see him again then text. If you don't want to see him again delete his number and don't give him another thought.

Original poster
ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 16:51

I kind of think him not getting in touch makes him a dick anyway and that's not the kind of guy I'm interested in. So I'm not going to bother! As my mom says 'there's more fish in the sea than ever came out of it'.

OP posts:
Original poster
ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 16:52

And Gawdon - thanks for the giggles ;-)

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 18/04/2011 16:58

Why does him not texting make him a dick when you haven't text either? I hate when people get so silly about internet dating. I've been with my dp for 6 months, and we met on PoF. No gameplaying at all, I text him straight after our first meet saying I'd had a lovely time, he text back saying he'd love to see me again. I do wonder if so much of the failures and non starters you hear about with regard to internet dating are just from people not going about it the right way. Why on earth are you waiting for him to make the first move and writing him off because he hasn't? Maybe his friend had complications and he's still at the hospital? Or maybe he just doesn;t think not texting for less than a day is that big a deal?

Original poster
ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 17:00

Well, it's just that he was making the first move all of the time previously. He gave me his number, he wanted to meet up. Maybe it is silly I don't know. I still think he's not interested. I know it's not awfully long, but he was texting me constantly before. Sorry you hate the sillyness! I can't help help it!!!

OP posts:
HelloMyNameIsHilda · 18/04/2011 17:01

BBG you have a point - me and my DP were pretty up front about it all too. I don't like game playing.

Gawdon - that's what my DP says too Wink Grin I love it!

HelloMyNameIsHilda · 18/04/2011 17:02

oh ginny - text the man and ask him - you don't like gameplayers - no biggie. I'd text him. Just so as not to have that limbo thing.

BooBooGlass · 18/04/2011 17:04

You are being silly. One thing I've learned in life- you are not a mindreader. You don't know he's not interested. If this is how you're going to get after every date, then trust me internet dating is goign to be fruitless for you.

Original poster
ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 17:09

Ok, that's me told off. I am only recently divorced though!?! It's all new to me! Sorry. :-) And I don't get like that after every date. It's just happened to be this one. I'm actually not really used to dating at all. I married my first boyfriend! So I guess I'm getting some practice in. The last few months have been interesting!! x

OP posts:
cabbageroses · 18/04/2011 17:41

if you want to aee him again- text him.
if you don't, don't bother UNLESS you want to text "lovely to meet you- not ekeep in touch as friends-- sorry- hope you have better luck."

cabbageroses · 18/04/2011 17:42

sorry- typos
meant to read "let's keep in touch as friends"

we all know you won't but it's not as brutal as saying you don't do it for me.

Celibin · 18/04/2011 21:50

This is just a numbers game You could strike it lucky with the first guy or you may have to meet 20. Mathematical probabilty is 41 : that is the no you would need to meet before giving up. I think men are lazy as far as relationships are concerned and now that it is easy to meet a woman via Internet etc it will just make them more lazy but that is only my opinion. I think that for many men (not all ) the sexual element is very strong and they kid themselves that if they do things this way, they are not really paying for sex .It is a pride thing : they would rather pay the people that organise these things than admit they cannot get a free shag. I must emphasize that I do not think all are like this :some are lonely and want a girlfriend/female company but for many it is an easy way . They are prepared to spend a lot fooling themselves and advertisers know this. I would therefore not
take it seriously if you rejected :no reflection on you whatsoever!!

Original poster
ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 21:51

Ok, thank bloody goodness. He just text and said that although the he enjoyed getting to know me, there isn't the spark he was hoping for and he guessed I felt the same seeing as I hadn't been in touch. Said he didnt want to leave it and to take care. I'm ok with that!! :)

OP posts:
textualhealing · 18/04/2011 22:04

I've been internet dating too in recent month's and I find some men are really bad at concluding matters. I always say if there is no interest and I let them down gently. I think it's OK to just say and I would not have a problem with hearing that back to me. Like you, I blamed myself for one particular guy (my first internet date) for the same reason as you - I'm more than curvy though! Like you, I'm confident and I think we are probably pretty bloody gorgeous and it's just a matter of finding the right one. They'll be many frogs on the way.....

I've met some really nice people and if you approach it like that, you may not make too much out of the meetings. I always say, let's meet up as potential friends and see how we get on and it just takes the pressure off. One guy that I agreed to meet forgot to take his wedding ring off when we met up for lunch - cheeky bugger!

I wish you luck but I wouldn't contact him - if he owes you a text or a call, let him contact you. Men can be such cowards!

textualhealing · 18/04/2011 22:05

Sorry - cross post!

Original poster
ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 22:15

textualhealing - how right you are. I'm glad I waited for him to text first! Because I text back and just said 'I'm cool with that. I guessed as much. I think you are lovely and very funny. Now go charm the pants off some other girl ;-)...) He text back to say I was still making him laugh and I think (I hope) I retained my dignity. At least he finally text!!

And OMG about the wedding ring!!!

OP posts:
textualhealing · 18/04/2011 22:24

I know Ginny - he made no attempt to hide it so I had to ask and I was treated to a lunchtime of his wife doesn't understand him and would I be OK with a sexual relationship as he doesn't want to leave her. Don't know how old you are but I'm pushing 50 and some of the guys I've met have been cringeworthy!

I advised you not to contact him because I did that with number 1 - not once but twice. We had three month's in between our contact (ie things started up twice between us) and I stopped it the first time to try and see whether he was interested or not because he was a bit unavailable if that makes sense. 3 month's later he contacts me, it all starts up again, meet up, I text him after that and then nothing. TWAT! I wouldn't mind but he had a bloody comb over. If I'd introduced him to my girls, that would have pee'd themselves laughing!

Original poster
ginnyjeans · 18/04/2011 22:37

ha ha. That's funny (comb over). Yea, am super glad I didn't text him. Then I would have looked like I was keen and he would have been, erm. no. I liked him but there wasn't the same intense feeling as the guy I had the relationship with. I think I'm holding them all up to that, which I shouldn't do either.

Ok to have a sexual relationship as he didn't want to leave her - erm, no!! What a moron!! I'm 35. I've been chatting to a few, but have only actually met up with 2. First one I had an intense short (six week) relationship with. Then this one (just one date). Am meeting someone on Friday. I'm undecided about the online stuff. Some people have had success. Is it better to meet someone in a natural environment? I don't know. It's got me back out there though and confidence up. But yea, there are some cringeworthy characters!!

OP posts:
KnickersOnOnesHead · 19/04/2011 12:18

How long do you chat to them before meeting?

I'm 24, and have only ever had two relationships. One 4 years, and one nearly 5, and this whole dating this is very very new to me!