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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

online affair. this is likely to be long.

113 replies

doijustgiveup · 15/04/2011 20:18

Namechanged but been here for a long time.

Found out recently that H has been having a online affair.

He met a girl on a game chatroom, they had talked amongst alot of people for a long time at least a few years.

But from at least Christmas time it became a text affair, 30/40 texts a day!

I caught him out and he walked out.

I emailed her and she said he had told her he had been unhappy for a long time, which was total news to me, I had no idea, he had never said or appeared unhappy with our marriage.

We have had a very stressful couple of years, H left the forces, which was a big upheaval, we had some extended family problems.

He wouldnt and even now cant tell me what made him unhappy, just that slowely he stopped caring.

He moved out for 10 days then came home. In that time he came and saw me fairly often, we went out and actually had quite a good time, but was still saying that he didnt know if it could work.

He says that it is nothing to do with this girl, which is bollocks. whatever the problems we had having a Emotional Affair with another woman was going to affect us.

We went to relate two nights ago, which although didnt do much, did make us talk when we got home.

I told him that I knew from fairly early in january he was texting her (the usual phone on silent in pocket, when he never did things like that)

Think he was quite shocked how much I knew to be honest.

Anyway told him if he wouldnt talk to me, he needed to talk to someone, so tonight he has gone out with his best mate, (who was as shocked as I was about it all)

He has today been fairly talkative in a small talk sort of way, and seems happier, but when do I know he is.
I have suspisions he might be back in contact with her, but no proof.

anyway, I am sat here now, knowing how much I love him, but thinking, that maybe I should just walk away.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/04/2011 13:33

Engaging in text conversations with him at the moment is a really bad idea. You are still acting as a crutch for him and he needs to know he has lost that.

You need to let him fend for himself and live with the consequences of his actions. I know that's really hard with someone you've loved for so long and I know you're feeling sorry for him and blaming it on depression - not the more accurate diagnosis of selfishness and entitlement to a mid-life adventure. But you must be cruel to be kind here.

It will help you to achieve your objective much quicker and more effectively, believe me.

garlicbutter · 20/04/2011 14:25

I'm sorry you're going through this. Please listen to WWIFN, she's right.

Without wishing to repeat too much of what others have said to you, I want to share my viewpoint here. I will never again try to rescue a relationship with someone who's stopped caring enough. I've done it too many times. It's soul destroying, wrecks your mental health, takes the colour out of life. And, each time I did it ... I was wrong.

Another person's feelings are their own, not mine to change or influence. If/when this happens to me again, I'll say "Goodbye, then" and retire to heal myself. It's the only way forwards really. Should they later change their mind, there will be some hard talks.

Be cruel to be kind, as WWIFN says - cruel and kind to yourself, that is. Please do remember to treat yourself gently, and gather as much real-life support as possible. Good luck.

KnickersOnOnesHead · 20/04/2011 14:36

That is typical.

The whole, oh it is all my fault, blah blahfuckingblah.

He wants you to feel sorry for him, he wants you to think he is depressed.

Wisedupwoman · 20/04/2011 14:46

I agree with the last posters here, OP.

Since mine went, I've had all sorts of superfluous but self-pitying information from STBXH none of which I initiated.

From "I've had some medical tests" to "I've been such a bastard and you didn't deseve that" and "I am living on people's floors" etc....

I find it's easier on my mental health as garlicbutter says, to ignore these and not respond in any way. It really, really helps me to see him how I should be seeing him now and most importantly how I need to be seeing myself.

Just wanted to let you know that OP. I'm following your thread to see if there's anything of help I can do. Smile

doijustgiveup · 20/04/2011 15:35

This isnt my first time through this mill. Third marriage, first time teenage violent marriage, that i got out of pretty quick, last time, I did just walk and kept on walking, without a backwards glance.

An although I hear what you are saying, I feel that this is/was worth fighting for.

I suppose you actually have to know the people involved. His beahviour is so completely the opposite of any I have seen him portray before, enough that none of his friends recognise him either.

OP posts:
Wisedupwoman · 20/04/2011 16:30

OP, not a single person person who knows my STBXH can quite believe just what a cruel and cowardly person he has become in this situation. He has constructed his entire life around a Mr Integrity image. The reason his parents still don't know that we are getting divorced, or why, is because it will shock them to the core that he has done the things he has.

So I can well understand the sense of disbelief in this uncharacteristic way your H has behaved toward you. It's a trauma that you can only accept bit by bit IME. I still go over our last days and can't believe he could have said and done the things he did - the man I loved for 20 years.

WWIFN will tell you this - Nice People Do Bad Things - and never a truer word has been spoken when it comes to infidelity and all that this entails.

I'm sorry. Sad

sausagesandmarmelade · 20/04/2011 20:52

I can't imagine what you are going through...but it sounds as if you have a lot of respect for yourself.

So many women just put up with an unhappy marriage...and tolerate endless bad behaviour.

Unless you make a stance now and let him know that his behaviour is totally unacceptable I don't think there's much hope....it's good that you've done that. You sound strong and you deserve to be loved and treated with respect.

Hopefully this time away will make him realise how very much he has to lose....in the meantime it's time for you to be a little selfish and do whatever helps you. If that means getting very busy, finding a new hobby, having some pampering sessions and going for some coffee's and chat's with friends then sobeit!

Hope you have lots of support....and people you can genuinely confide in who will help you thru this terrible time.

doijustgiveup · 21/04/2011 09:03

well have a job and looks like a car sorted, just the rest of my life to sort out.

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 21/04/2011 09:06

Baby steps OP, Baby steps! You'll get there.

doijustgiveup · 21/04/2011 09:12

thing is it was not a unhappy marraige until recently, and he never behaved badly till recently, if anything he spoilt me .

anyway trying not to think too much about it today, feel if i can get everything else sorted will help.

OP posts:
doijustgiveup · 21/04/2011 09:14

i have names changed for this but some some people on here would recognise my usual name, been here a long time, and would be surprised i am on this thread to be honest.

OP posts:
doijustgiveup · 21/04/2011 14:15

Aftre feeling more positive this morning finding it hard to hold myself together this afternoon.

Really cant see any light at teh end of the tunnel

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 23/04/2011 13:21

How are you feeling today love?

Hope today is a good day!

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