25 years together but can't take any more?

[BarbieGrows]

Erm, we met at a party, love at first sight, me 21, he 28. moved in together at 25, had first baby at 34, second at 36. Time passes as you keep busy!
So there's all this history, we are 'part of each other'. But there has always been conflict, starting with him going to the pub before coming to see me at 22, then me having to go to the pub to get his company as he didn't want to go out anywhere and do anything else (not as much as I had liked). There was hurt when arguments happened, of the emotional gut-wrenching kind. It's all a bit blurry to be honest - no physical violence, nothing technically abusive, just negativity. He drinks very rarely now and hardly ever goes out with anyone at all. He's happy that way though, not socially outcast, just prefers his own company.

And so things plodded on, up and down, in (mostly in) and out. So now we have beautiful children, home, a comfortable life but the misery is still there, occasionally lifted by a good conversation, a laugh, a constructive moment. But now the hurt lasts longer than it should, for days I don't want him to touch me. I have explained this pattern (for years now) but still it doesn't change, he nor me.

Splitting up is so complicated, I wonder whether we should move apart but stay together for a few nights a week? It would mean a move to the country but I think it could work as it will calm the arguing. We do appreciate each other a lot more when we've been away.

I tell him that the only reason I'm still with him is that I'm strong and can put up with it. He turns that into - 'yeah that says it all...', not 'oh sorry I didn't mean it. An example.

Anyway, all views appreciated, but please understand that after all this time it's not something I will be able to just walk away from.

Thanks Eurostar. More wise words from brilliant Mums.

Just read my journals from two years ago. It seems that I was caught up in the ups and downs of our relationship and then something changed and I realised that the best way to deal with this is to just do everything without his involvement. The less involvement the better. So where before we had endless stresses as he's getting involved with what the kids do (school run for instance), I sort everything out now. That's made everything calmer but there seems to be very little left. We don't talk or spend much time together - I'm tired earlier because have to do all the bedtime stuff (youngest has SEN so it's complicated even though they are older), the cooking the cleaning up, fine, but he stays up til 2am. No problems - but what a life! I still ask if he wants to come and do something at weekends, offer, but he still doesn't join in if I'm involved and it's better that way for everyone.

But what I do notice is that two years ago his behaviour was exactly the same as it is now. My behaviour has changed a lot - I no longer react to what he thinks, what he says, what he doesn't, what he does. Sometimes yes, but most of the time I don't rise to it.

Just had another blinding insight on our relationship behaviour patterns - I have become self-destructive. I mess up all the time (late for stuff, not getting things done, over-eating). Is that a symptom of years of emotional abuse?