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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is my wife up to?

52 replies

Smale · 15/04/2011 12:02

hi there. Just joined on recommendation from a friend whose wife uses your site. I hear you take no prisoners though!

Having a problem (maybe) at home and I've ran out of people to ask advice from. Been married to DW for 7 years, all great mostly. Thing is I think she might be harbouring feelings for our BIL (sister's husband). At first I thought they just didn't like each other very much as they aren't very talkative with each other and their relationship doesn't seem 'easy'. Hard to explain.

We don't see each other that often but the last we met the usual tension was there, but one evening when sis was out, we watched a film, BIL sat next to DW, about half way through I felt uncomfortable in the room with them, like a teenager when your best mate is trying it on with a girl, I can't explain it, it was weird but the room seemed full of tension, they were sat really close, legs touching all the way through and if one of them moved their leg the other would move theirs back to touching. It seemed really odd considering they seem to have such a strained relationship, I don't think I would have even noticed it if they had a good relationship. They speak easily via FB and text though, in a normal, jokey way that you'd expect family too.

I'm speaking in tongues I know!! I'm not a jealous, over bearing husband and i don't think I've ever taken notice of anyone's body language before but something is niggling away at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 12:03

Meeting up tomorrow so maybe completely over thinking this!

OP posts:
SueSylvesterforPM · 15/04/2011 12:09

I didn't want to leave it unanswered.

id there anything else other than that experience you can base these feelings on?

caramelwaffle · 15/04/2011 12:38

Also did not want this to be unanswered: are there other examples of behaviour that has set you on edge?

Is their communication open i.e. is your wife happy to be open with what she is communicating by text/email/FB/Msn etc?

happystressedmum · 15/04/2011 12:44

Really sorry to say but I think you are right to think something is up. when there is something going on it is easy to be completely obvious in appearing NOT to like each other etc. Also if they have a strained relationship why then be FB friends? Have you noticed her texting or emailing alot?

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 12:45

Thanks for your replies.

Nothing private going on between them as far as I know. I work away a lot so wouldn't know who she's in contact with most of the time.

Stupid aren't I? It's just that I don't do paranoia and I'm not the most observent of people, but I have an odd feeling!

OP posts:
FAB5 · 15/04/2011 12:46

Gut instincts are rarely wrong.

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 12:47

When I say strained, I'm not sure if it's a bad strained, like a teenagery awkwardness. They seem to like each other but aren't talkative in a way you'd expect family to be (most of the time).

OP posts:
TheMonster · 15/04/2011 12:49

I'm sorry that you are worrying about this. However, your worries are based entirely on your feelings, not on any sort of evidence, so hopefully there is nothing going on.

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 12:55

And we only see each other 3-4 times per year so not much chance of anything happening between them even if there was something brewing under the surface.

Think I'll put it down to crazy paranoia on my part and hope the feeling goes.

OP posts:
vickylou2004 · 15/04/2011 13:16

I think it's very strange how they don't get on in person but they text and e-mail eachother. How often and what about?

IngridBergman · 15/04/2011 13:22

I think it is strange too... the legs touching would be worrying me.

Can you ask her about it? What would you do if you found out they were intimate? From what you say I think it's a good idea to mentally run through the different possibilities and how you would handle them.

People who behave awkwardly in person are sometimes secretly involved and it's a way of not showing it, but too much the other way iyswim.

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 13:44

The contact doesn't bother me, all their contact via text and FB is about Rugby, they support rival teams and joke about it if either team loses or whatever.

The leg touching did bother me, I honestly don't think they've been intimate but there seems to be an increasing amount of sexual tension. Maybe they just fancy each other, I don't know.

OP posts:
vickylou2004 · 15/04/2011 13:49

How do you know their texts are about rugby?

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 14:06

She tells me if I'm there and all the other stuff is on FB walls, nothing private as far as I'm aware. She's open with her phone, rarely deletes old messages and has an iPhone so strings of conversations are viewable.

She's not hiding anything, I feel a bit of a dick tbh but I can't shrug off the feeling that something is there.

OP posts:
vickylou2004 · 15/04/2011 14:10

I'm sorry to say but there sounds like there's a strong attraction there at least. It doesn't mean that they've done anything but I can understand you being suspicious.

Is there anything else suspicious?

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 14:24

Nothing else suspicious at all. I think you might be right about a strong attraction, I'm as sure as I can be that, that is a far as it goes right now and I doubt very much that either would risk more than a bit of leg touching.

Not sure what to do really. Ignore?

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 15/04/2011 14:26

One thing we've learned here is that your instincts should be trusted - unless you really are paranoid, ie have history of it! Otherwise, it's safe to say you're picking up on imperceptible - but real - cues. Which must make you feel a bit crap.

There really is nothing wrong with a bit of flirting, or even a bit of secret lust, as long as it stays harmelss & doesn't interfere with your real life. Problem is, this has just started interfering with yours :( Since there's little you can do about it, I assume you'd like to know what strategies might work to derail any future developments?

Our infidelity genius, WhenWillIFeelNormal, often points out that a straying partner is the one who is less 'invested' in the home relationship: a power imbalance has developed, in which one partner is doing all the loving & worrying, while the one who will cheat gradually withdraws from the relationship. If you think this is happening at home, it could be worth asking more of her, in terms of favours done, plans made & carried out, and quality facetime with you.

I imagine others will be along with more concrete advice but hope, at least, I may have triggered a more constructive view! Hope this evening goes well :)

vickylou2004 · 15/04/2011 14:36

It's up to you whether you choose to ignore but if you just can't get on with things and want to see if there's anything else in it I would dig deeper and maybe do a bit of detective work. Try not to be over suspicious until you know for sure. You might find that there's nothing there. But the fact that you've come on here suggests that you may think there's more or you just want to see if people think the same??

Is she acting any differently around you or with you?

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 14:48

Thanks everyone.

I'm just leaving work so will reply this evening.

OP posts:
Asinine · 15/04/2011 14:55

Is she acting differently with you? Is she moody or detached?

boxingHelena · 15/04/2011 15:02

brilliant post garlicbutter
OP if you read some answers by WWIFN the above post will make even more sense. Pls run a search and see if you can relate to any of the things that our "infidelity Genius" often write about

WriterofDreams · 15/04/2011 15:58

I get the very distinct impression that my BIL (DH's brother) has feelings for me. I like him a lot but would obviously never do anything. I find it very hard to discourage his behaviour towards me. He's not openly flirty but he is far nicer to me than to anyone else (offers me cups of tea, compliments me etc) and I think people notice which creates tension. Sometimes I bat back his vaguely flirty comments in a bantery sort of way but I think that only adds fuel to the fire. My DH could well feel the same way as you do about it but I have been open with him about it and he actually thinks it's quite cute. I think it wouldn't be inappropriate to broach this with your wife, perhaps in a jokey way, just to see her reaction. If she is very defensive it might be a sign that she reciprocates his feelings. Even if she does have feelings for him this doesn't mean she'll act on them but if she's aware that you've picked up on them she might tone down the silly behaviour (touching legs is going too far IMO) and reduce your discomfort.

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 16:23

See my friend told me the leg touching thing meant nothing, but I always thought it was one of those body language cues, invading personal space and what have you. Out of everything it's that, that started the alarm bells ringing but their mirrored movements were so subtle that I wouldn't have noticed if my suspicions hadn't been heightened by the sudden tension in the room.

I want to talk to her about it but I'm doubting myself.

OP posts:
SueSylvesterforPM · 15/04/2011 16:39

maybe a helpful way of putting this into perspective is

how would she react if it was the other way round ?? e.g leg touching??

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 16:47

I don't know how she'd react, she'd obviously be unhappy with more obvious flirting (I hope!) but leg touching and mirrored body language, no idea if she'd even notice and I'm still not sure if the leg touching here is significant!

I don't have a clue about relationships and body language, which is why I'm wary of bringing it up with her.

OP posts:
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