Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is my wife up to?

52 replies

Smale · 15/04/2011 12:02

hi there. Just joined on recommendation from a friend whose wife uses your site. I hear you take no prisoners though!

Having a problem (maybe) at home and I've ran out of people to ask advice from. Been married to DW for 7 years, all great mostly. Thing is I think she might be harbouring feelings for our BIL (sister's husband). At first I thought they just didn't like each other very much as they aren't very talkative with each other and their relationship doesn't seem 'easy'. Hard to explain.

We don't see each other that often but the last we met the usual tension was there, but one evening when sis was out, we watched a film, BIL sat next to DW, about half way through I felt uncomfortable in the room with them, like a teenager when your best mate is trying it on with a girl, I can't explain it, it was weird but the room seemed full of tension, they were sat really close, legs touching all the way through and if one of them moved their leg the other would move theirs back to touching. It seemed really odd considering they seem to have such a strained relationship, I don't think I would have even noticed it if they had a good relationship. They speak easily via FB and text though, in a normal, jokey way that you'd expect family too.

I'm speaking in tongues I know!! I'm not a jealous, over bearing husband and i don't think I've ever taken notice of anyone's body language before but something is niggling away at me.

OP posts:
IngridBergman · 15/04/2011 18:07

I wouldn't let my leg touch someone's unless I fancied them.

It's pretty definite in terms of body language as normally people whould seek to move their legs apart if they touched by accident, and the opposite was happening.

I'm sorry. I think you need to sit down and ask her gently if there is anything between them, but be prepared that there could be and try to plan ahead so you don't react in a way that'snot constructive, ie shouting, fighting etc. People do have feelings about other people, it's what you do or don't do with those feelings that counts so give her a chance to open up.

garlicbutter · 15/04/2011 18:12

I wouldn't go by other people's specific reactions to the leg touching thing, Smale. I'd do this quite happily, with no agenda. I'm a touchy-feely type of person. Others aren't. The feeling you picked up on is probably informed by lots of tiney, tiny cues - which is why we say "trust your instincts". Are you going to be able to discuss your worries with her?

FAB5 · 15/04/2011 18:28

How is your sex life with your wife? I don't actually want an answer but suggest you think about it in case you are the one feeling tense as you are not having the physical relationship you want with your wife and you are seeing them being affectionate.

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 18:41

Well sat down with her and she told me i was being ridiculous and seeing things that aren't there and she ended the discussion.

Apart from this, I have no concerns, all is great and nothing has changed.

She is very aware of her own personal space and isn't a touchy type, except with me and the kids. I suppose the leg touching is significant then ? Sad

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 15/04/2011 18:43

Oh dear. You're ridiculous and delusional? Nice :(

FAB5 · 15/04/2011 18:44

If a man had said that to his wife it would have been picked up on and stated as a sign of his guilt.

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 18:58

Yes that statement says a lot, at best she has a crush, at worst somethings gone or going on, although with the distance between them it seems unlikely.

Stuck now though aren't I? Not much more I can do or say.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 15/04/2011 19:03

I'm sorry she put you down like that.

Actually you should tell her she invalidated your feelings, and ask her to consider how she'd feel if you did that to her. Make her put in a bit of 'investment'.

What was your/her sister (BIL's wife) doing during the TV? Was she a bit tense, too chatty, whatever? Would you be able to get a possibly jokey conversation going with her about your BIL and DW?

cerealqueen · 15/04/2011 19:16

I agree with garlicbutter. If my DP said the same to me I'd be mortified and want to reassure him as much as possible if nothing was going on and work hard at it too. I'd expect the same back from DP. I think you ned to raise it again in terms of how she has handled your concerns.

pilates · 15/04/2011 21:05

Smale - how far do you live from your brother-in-law, would there be the opportunity for her to meet up with him easily?

I certainly would not feel comfortably sitting next to a man with legs touching except my husband.

I think that it is a standard answer to say you are mad and imagining things. She can hardly turn round and say "Yes I fancy him or yes we are having an affair". Much easier to use the excuse of paranoia. There is def something with gut feelings IMO.

What sort of relationship do you have with your sister, would she confide in you if they were having marital problems?

Onetoomanycornettos · 15/04/2011 21:10

I don't see the point of going on about it, nothing happened (they were squashed up on the sofa presumably and their legs touched a couple of times), and even if she or he had a crush, I cannot possibly see the point of pushing it and pushing it. You asked her, she said there's nothing going on whatsoever, I would leave it unless you have something more definite to go on, otherwise you risk alienating her. I don't see what she has done wrong here, tbh, even the leg touching seems to be very heavy on your interpretation (not like they kissed or looked at each other longingly). If I said it was nothing and my husband kept on about it, I would be pretty upset.

But then, I'm quite trusting and if my husband said there was nothing going on, I would believe him (I'm also ace at spotting him lying, so would feel reassured). You don't, but I don't know why.

garlicbutter · 15/04/2011 21:49

Cornetto, when somebody who cares about you says you're being ridiculous and imagining things, they are telling you not to feel what you do feel. That's not a caring response, it's a selfish one.

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 22:44

cornetto, I haven't gone on at her at all, just asked her once and left it. I understand what you're saying though, I'm struggling myself with all of this, I'm in no way a jealous, paranoid type of person so this has thrown me tbh.

OP posts:
LittleBlueBoat · 15/04/2011 23:17

Is it her Sisters Husband?

What was his wife doing at the time?

How far away do they live from each other?

Has there ever been times where you have both staed over at their house or got drunk together?

I dont think its good that she didn't respect your feelings.

Could you talk to her again? If you did what would you want her to do or say?

Sorry lots of questions

LittleBlueBoat · 15/04/2011 23:21

Sorry but people do fancy other people even when married, so you can't stop how someone else feels.

You can only work on your relationship with her and even then you cant make her get involved if she does not want too.

I think you need to look at your relationship and improve the respect and communcation.

Original poster
Smale · 15/04/2011 23:25

No my sister's husband.

She was at a work do, we were up there visiting, we live about 9 hours away from each other, yes stayed over, yes got drunk together.

OP posts:
Themumsnot · 15/04/2011 23:30

Good lord, I can't believe I'm reading this. You guys are saying that the OP's DW is out of order for telling her DH that he is being ridiculous - because he accused her of having an affair with her BIL. You cannot be serious. She is not "invalidating his feelings" fgs, she is defending herself against what could well be totally unfounded accusations.
I am willing to bet all my DC's Easter eggs, that if a woman came on here and said her DH had accused her of having an inappropriate relationship with BIL, she would not get slagged off for invalidating his fucking feelings. On the contrary, I rather think...
OP I have no clue if your wife is up to something with your BIL or not, but if she isn't that is exactly how I would expect her to act. Indignant and pissed off - and why the hell not. How would you feel?

LittleBlueBoat · 15/04/2011 23:34

Then i think she just has a crush and nothing has happened. They just like each other.

Its a difficult position to be in as you can't change her feelings.

If you keep thinking about it you will drive your self crazy and see things that just aren't there.

If it still bothers you then talk to your wife and explain to her how you feel.
Would it help you to have her reassure you that nothing will happen?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 16/04/2011 00:38

I read this very differently to you themumsnot. I don't imagine the OP accused his wife outright of an affair, more that he expressed concerns about the tension he felt in the room and the atmosphere. I therefore also find it very odd that his wife ridiculed him and curtailed the conversation. For someone with nothing to hide and in a supportive marriage, that conversation would normally be very different. There would be concern for the OP's doubts, reassurance that she loves him and doesn't have sexual feelings for her BIL. At the outset, there might have been a bit of indignant denial, but then that would normally give way to a far more loving, reassuring conversation.

I trust and believe you OP when you say you're not a paranoid, jealous man. On the contrary, just reading your posts on here makes me think you've been desperate today for someone to say "don't worry, you're imagining things!" but fortunately, wise posters urged you not to quell that nagging inner voice.

Now you've had a denial, I think all you can do is watch and see. If your DW seems detached from you and under-invested in your romantic relationship - and this is also causing you to feel unsettled, then don't ignore your doubts.

When someone who is not the least bit paranoid or jealous starts to have powerful instincts, it is unwise to ignore them.

IngridBergman · 16/04/2011 09:18

I'd be concerned about the defensiveness - sjhe finished the discussion? Really? Why would she do that without compunction if she had nothing to defend?
I'm sorry, her reaction sounds unkind and unfair, where are you and your feelings, in her world? I'm assuming you didn't approach it as an attack or accusation but simply requested a discussion, right?

She's out of order whether or not she fancies this man. I mean when WWIFN talks about being underinvested in your relationship, this was a fine example of that.

ilovesooty · 16/04/2011 10:04

So she might fancy him and she feels defensive about it...

Did you ask her if she fancied him or if they were having an affair? That isn't very clear. If it's the former, perhaps for your own peace of mind you need to revisit the discussion. If it's the latter, she might have felt accused.

I can't see any evidence from what you've said that an affair is going on.

vickylou2004 · 16/04/2011 11:12

9 hours away?!!! Can understand you thinking that there's a strong attraction there but surely you're not worried about an affair here?

springydaffs · 16/04/2011 21:23

I'm coming in a bit late to this thread, but I have also been in a situation where I suddenly had a powerful impression that something was going on between two people in my office - to this day I don't know what got my attention, but, like you smale, there were 3 of us working late and.. impossible to describe but my antennae suddenly went on high alert. (It turns out that something was definitely brewing between them - management got wind of it and moved the woman to another office, but that's another story.)

You say 1. that you are not very observant and 2. that you are not the jealous, paranoid type. YOu say that their relationship is odd and doesn't quite hang together somehow. In all you have said, I think your instincts have given you a powerful prod and my advice is to go with them. Who can understand 'instincts' anyway? You'd be there forever trying to piece together the various threads that constitute an instinct... Granted, some people put 2 and 2 together and get 5, but from all you have said I think your instincts have been sound: imo something is going on/brewing. YOur wife's abrupt dismissal of your concerns - from what you have said - appear disingenuous, also lacking in respect.

Thank the Lord you don't live anywhere near one another! The other story, above, is relevant in that the brewing-couple were separated, which averted a disaster (hopefully) - there's nothing quite like physical distance to get things to cool. I'd be concerned about the continuous FB/text relationship though. I wouldn't like that, rugby or not, particularly as I don't think she has been honest with you. Sorry Smale Sad

bleedingstill · 16/04/2011 23:34

The idea that instincts are rarely wrong is utter bollocks.

My ex was absolutely convinced I was having , or contemplating an affair with a friend. His instincts told him so.

I wasn't.

coppertop · 16/04/2011 23:59

I wouldn't personally have read anything into the leg-touching but I do think her reaction to your conversation was odd. The exception would be if you'd gone on and on about it and she'd finally snapped, but as a one-off conversation her reaction seems OTT.

If I'd been wrongly accused of something like this, at the very least I would want to discuss why my dh had come to this particular conclusion.

Swipe left for the next trending thread