obsession

[boltonrose]

Hi. I'm new here but I'd just like a bit of advice really. I was seeing someone about a year ago. It was a short relationship (a few months), but I was in love with him. We had had a couple of minor tiffs, but everything else was good and quite intense. Anyway, one day out of the blue he dumped me by text.
He also did it very callously with the words he used. When I tried to call and reply he simply went silent. I backed off for a while to see if he'd get in touch with me again. In fact, it was a few months before I tried again. I sent him a text and email, but again no response.
That was it really, and I know it's over between us given the time that has passed and the rather heartless way he ended things. My problem is, I just can't seem to stop thinking of him. To the point where he's on my mind every day, even after a year!
I have seen a counsellor and tried self hypnosis, have tried to keep busy and even dated other men, but he is still there in my thoughts. I still love him if I'm honest. The intensity of my obsession with him has lessened as time has gone on, and I have never done anything weird such as stalk him or anything. I would just like to know if anyone else has ever felt like this? I wonder if it's because I never got closure because I don't know to this day why he dumped me? As I say, I did try to make contact but all attempts were rebuffed.
Sorry if this is a bit long and waffly.

Hi boltonrose

Did you ask him why it was so sudden? Do you think it was because he had a girlfriend and it was because of a guilty conscience?

He completely stonewalled me and never responded to any of my attempts to contact him. I didn't want to harrass him so I gave up after a few attempts. I'm pretty sure there wasn't anybody else(though who can really tell ?) simply because we spent a lot of time together so it would have been difficult for him.
Anyway, I've reconciled myself with the fact that he dropped me like a stone and won't be coming back. It's just the constant thinking of him that I'm struggling with. It's draining me and grinding me down. I try very hard not to, but it seems to no avail. I am a divorcee and have a couple of older children so I'm not a silly teenager. It's funny, because my divorce didn't seem to affect me this much.
Just wish I could properly move on and get him out of my thoughts. He's a bastard really for the way he dumped me. Just wish I could hate him for it rather then look at him as 'the one'.

"closure" is a much overrated term and imo and tbh pointless as it changes nothing. Likewise knowing the reasons behind his decision... whatever they were, and you knowing what they were, doesn't and won't change anything at all!

I suspect that thinking about him has become more of a habit to you than you realise... Sometimes you do just have to let things go, and that means making a conscious effort to a} not summon thoughts about him and b} when thoughts come unbidden into your mind you dismiss them (visualise a big red cross perhaps) and switch your thoughts to something/anything else. And over time the habit will fade.

I think perhaps you need something else "overwhelming" in your life, to fill up your thoughts. Obviously you cannot magic up another relationship, and you may not be ready for one, but is it possible to fill up your life with something else? Can you embark on a new career? Start your own business? Take up an OU course in something you've always wanted to study? Plan the holiday of a lifetime? Get in touch with old friends?

(Serial namechanger here.) I had something similar after the sudden end of a tumultuous relationship (understatement). It was very troubling because I knew objectively the person was a bad person for me to be involved with -- so why was I thinking about him non-stop, when I didn't want to? I would even think I saw him places, walking down the sidewalk ahead of me or something, several times a day. I thought I was losing my mind or that there must be some "deeper meaning."

It turns out that evolution is to blame. The human brain has evolved to pick out things in the environment it perceives as unusual. At one time this would have meant you didn't overlook the twitching tiger tail in the tall grass, which could have saved your life. It means you will fixate on basically anything "anomalous" -- like a sudden movement, a whiff of smoke . . . or suddenly being dumped, because your poor old primitive brain doesn't really recognize the difference between a physical danger and an emotional shock. It just goes into this mode where it goes over and over the thing, trying to figure it out so it can put it to rest, as though it's going, "why why why why" to itself all the time.

I read all this in a self-help book, by the way. Maybe someone else will recognize it and remember the title. I don't know if it will help you but it helped me to understand that there was no deeper meaning or star-crossed love, just a brain that couldn't reconcile two contradictory ideas such as "he luuuuurves me" and "he was cruel to me." It sounds simple but knowing that was the first step to having the emotional charge begin to fade and then my obsessive thoughts faded too.

I'm sorry he was such a twunt to you.

The best thing is to find yourself something else to think about (NOT another man) - what are your passions and interests? If your DC are 'older' this probably means that you can go out and pursue hobbies without needing to worry about babysitting, and it also can mean that your life feels a bit empty and boring if they need you a lot less than they used to.

I think I am a bit lonely to be honest. I tried a bit of internet dating, but found the whole experience quite cold. I met a few men, but nobody I really clicked with and I just kept thinking of him. I divorced 5 years ago and, though I met a few men, I didn't meet anyone who really done it for me for one reason or another. Until I met him.
Now I do wonder if I will again I suppose, being in my mid forties.
I have to add, the relationship had one or two red flags. He did blow a bit hot and cold, and though he told me he loved me on various occasions I never really felt sure. His behaviour to me has not only been very cruel but also very odd. I have never come across this before. To totally detach himself after such intensity seems quite bizaare. I know he's still alive as I have looked at his facebook page a few times ( I know I shouldn't cos it hurts)
Wish I could forget him. :-(
Maybe I should join the Foreign Legion. Do they take women?

Well, those "blow hot and cold" types unfortunately can be unhealthily addictive. It's like Pavlov's dogs -- you get the (so-called) reward only intermittently and it makes you hang around longer. And they know it.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm reducing it to insultingly basic psychology but I think I know where you're coming from. You say his behavior was "odd" and that you had never come across this before . . . and I bet that's exactly why you're still fixating on it and trying to figure it out, thinking that somehow, there is something you can learn from it. In all honesty there is probably nothing. It was completely to do with him and really nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. Unfortunately it's the very impossibility of figuring it out that makes you keep trying.

PS Meant to say, most importantly: look on the fact that the relationship didn't go any further as A BULLET DODGED.

Do you really want to spend your life feeling unsure where you stand with your P? Unsure whether he's your P at all this week?? Being in a relationship with someone who has so little regard for your heart that he could just walk away with no explanation other than a few cold words?

People like that are poor excuses for human beings no matter what front they put on. Yes, frequently they are very good at "mirroring" the other person in the early stages of a relationship, so you think you're soul mates or something, but it's just something they do, almost automatically.

You are worth more than that. I don't even know you but I can say that with 100% certainty.

it has been 3 yearas for me and i still think of him. I really hope it goes away...It ended amicably for us..but after a recent friendship ended i know i'll never be part of a couple again. Men are not trustworthy at all.

God.. 3 years ! I hope it doesn't take me that long.
Thanks very much for the advice and kind words so far.
Someone said to me that because we were in the honeymoon period and the relationship ended so suddenly I can't see the flaws he would have inevitably had, so as a consquence I'm putting him on a pedestal. I don't know if this is the case?
I have really tried to crack on in life. I run regularly ( ran the brighton marathon on sunday) and keep as busy as possible, but he's always there. I know it's very unhealthy and probably more to do wit my own self esteem issues.

Oh I can't stay away from this thread . . . must must must work.

YouaretooniceNOT, you don't know that you'll never be part of a couple again. I would have said the same thing but I am the total Mistress of Doom, always generously predicting nothing but terrible things and failure for myself, and yet several years after the relationship I'm talking about ended, I met and married my LOVELY DH. And I would have been the LAST, the VERY LAST, person to have predicted that.

And I don't think about that guy, either, except when I see other women suffering in the aftermath of similar twunts.

Please, you're making ME seem like the optimist in the room and believe me, nobody wants THAT.

yes, bullet dodged!

Taking up career development/hobbies/broadening interests/perhaps a foreign language would be good, things you quite fancy but havent tried much yet - now's the time. Make the most of your life :)

A part of the brain seems to always be taken up with loving someone. It can be completely irrational, but it will just sit there until someone else catches your attention. Thats just the way it is, just keep brushing those thoughts aside when they pop up!

I still think of him, i wonder what he is doing now, if he is OK, if he remarried etc. But glad he is gone too but m iss our long talks, laughs, getting drunk, going out together, his cooking.

I just really think that all men are sneaky, lieing twunts. The net makes it easier for them too these days.

I do not want to risk hurt again by a boyfriend/lover etc. I just want to strive for and be happy.

I threw myself into the internet dating quite soon after the break up and I don't think it was the best thing to do. Though it did restore some of my confidence, which being dumped shattered, I felt it was an empty and cold experience. Every date was so stressful with all the pre-date nerves and then the worrying if they like you post date angst. Even though I was never into any of them that much being rejected, which I was a couple of times as I never heard back from a couple of dates, hurt more then it should have done because it just reminded me of the big jilting I got from him and made me feel even more crushed.
I must admit, for a few months I think I nearly went off the rails, going on lots of dates trying to distract myself and semi stalking his facebook page ( I know I said I didn't do anything weird originally....but I did a bit if you count that).
I'm better now, and stopped the facebook stuff but I just think I have formed a very unhealthy habit of having him as my default thought pattern.

Internet dating - i had a fair few dates from 2006 to 2008. The last guy said goodbye i haven't bothered with anyone since. Except an internet friend i was preparing to have sex with but he started seeing his ex again. he was honest friend, but not honest about his intentions with his ex.

I think pushing yourself to date before you're ready is one of the worst things you can do when you're trying to get over someone. It just means you're going to sit there making destructive comparisons between how close you felt to your ex and how you don't even know this guy you're on the date with and feeling totally depressed and lonely. (Have been there.)

I think HHLimbo is right -- it's much healthier to focus on pursuing your own interests.

Yes leavesleaves that is how i felt. I want to be happy and pursue my own interests. Then i want to be OK with myself - i am doing this vioa therapy - 6 sessions so far - i do not want a man to ruin it - they always do and always find a way - i will use a sperm donor for a baby or 2! I really do not want a relationship as men just fake and lie.

Boltonrose - being dumped by text is the cowards way out and leaves you feeling there was no proper closure. A female friend did this to me. That hurt so a romantic interest must have been awful x

It was a complete head fuck

What did the text say? boltonrose

Hi Boltonrose

Just wanted to say that I really sympathise with what you are going through. I am in a similar state of obsession, only I don't even have the excuse of him being an ex partner as we've never even been a couple ashamed
So yes I know how awful it is and how destructive it can be. You wake up thinking about them, you go to sleep thinking about them and when your asleep you bloody well dream about them. You walk down a street and constantly look for their face in the crowd. You try to make your life as full as possible but you feel like really you are only filling in the gap caused by this person not being in your life.
It is horrific, horrendous and I would not wish it on my worse enemy. I'm sorry I have nothing practical to add, just wanted to say you are not alone in your feelings.

MilkandWine seems to feel your/our pain too

Well my experience was 3 years ago and i think about him most days, just not everyday now. it has taken a lot of time. Think about a friend i severed contact with recently too. I feel he is with me though still.

I don't know why, and I'm ashamed of myself for feeling it, but I just have this overwhelming desire to try to contact him again, despite the fact that he ended it in such a harsh and cold way and spurned all my previous attempts at contact.
I just always wonder if it was something I said or did that upset him and caused him to end it all? I have kept my dignity intact, I think, by not begging him or bombarding him with messages etc when we first split. But a part of me always wonders if I tried hard enough to get him back?
I know all that makes me sound very weak. :-(