obsession

[boltonrose]

Hi. I'm new here but I'd just like a bit of advice really. I was seeing someone about a year ago. It was a short relationship (a few months), but I was in love with him. We had had a couple of minor tiffs, but everything else was good and quite intense. Anyway, one day out of the blue he dumped me by text.
He also did it very callously with the words he used. When I tried to call and reply he simply went silent. I backed off for a while to see if he'd get in touch with me again. In fact, it was a few months before I tried again. I sent him a text and email, but again no response.
That was it really, and I know it's over between us given the time that has passed and the rather heartless way he ended things. My problem is, I just can't seem to stop thinking of him. To the point where he's on my mind every day, even after a year!
I have seen a counsellor and tried self hypnosis, have tried to keep busy and even dated other men, but he is still there in my thoughts. I still love him if I'm honest. The intensity of my obsession with him has lessened as time has gone on, and I have never done anything weird such as stalk him or anything. I would just like to know if anyone else has ever felt like this? I wonder if it's because I never got closure because I don't know to this day why he dumped me? As I say, I did try to make contact but all attempts were rebuffed.
Sorry if this is a bit long and waffly.

I totally relate to this OP and have had a lot of trouble in the past with obsessing about people. It is unbelievably cold and cruel of him to have ended the relationship in the way he did (particularly as he had been the one to crank it up to lurve level) - you did indeed dodge a bullet.

I had dreadful problems with obsessing about a succession of men, which filled me with shame (so the 'advice' that you were in effect a bunny boiler re 'you were too intense' etc is the most toxic suggestion imo as it fills you with yet more deadly shame). I went on to marry a narcissist and I certainly learned the hard way that men who put you through it like this are hell on earth. The type of man who would dump you suddenly, by text , is trouble, big time: he set you up, probably not consciously but he did nonethless. I would say that you are the healthy one if you pine to resolve what happened, to understand why it ended so abruptly and cruelly. I cannot say strongly enough that the reason it ended like that was not about you, or anything you did or said, or anything about you - but about him. He is a headfuck and if the relationship had continued you would have known all about boiling in hell. As it was you were saved this, but his poisonous behaviour left a hook in you which you are struggling to get out: this is just a taste of what you would have gone through on a whole other level if the relationship had continued.

Since my horrific marriage I have had a few brushes with getting obsessive about men but nothing like as bad as it used to be and I was able to be kind to myself about my feelings, which helped in the long run to let the obsession go (re it is fuel to the fire if you are unkind to yourself, beat yourself up). I hate to sound too clunky but the main reason I had such a problem with obsessions was because the real deal had been in short supply in my life - I hadn't felt properly loved (for a whole variety of reasons) and was therefore vulnerable to declarations of the real thing (re am I at last going to be loved properly?). But imo people who do what he did fuck you over, regardless how full/empty your historical 'love tank' may be. However, the length of time, or intensity of longing, is imo a kind of barometer of how loved we have felt so far.

I would suggest therapy to uncover where a 'love dirth' may have become established - painful but necessary imo. I don't know if this is your type of thing but I would also pray, to God, that he release you. He is more than willing (and capable ).

Firstly, thank you crazydiamond. That's just the sort of kick up the arse I need really.
Springydaffs thanks for your advice as well. I'm not sure I'm going to go down the counselling route again as it didn't help that much. This is all about me really and being strong enough of mind to re-train my thought patterns.
One thing I will say though, in spite of what many people say, I do find it hard to see how it's 'not about me'. I understand what you are all saying about it being his disfunctional behaviour etc, but there is a part of me that simply thinks that I didn't measure up. That's the bit that has really made a dent on my confidence.

Sounds like you didn't have a good counsellor/the one for you then rose - a good one is like gold and you'll be counting the days until you can see them again..

No, no, no about it being about you - really rose, it can't have been.

Even if you were a dog, no-one deserves being dumped like that. It says so much more about him than about you! The hallmark of an abuser is that they make you believe the poor treatment is your fault, that you have some unspecified disgusting problem - and they don't even explain what it is, what you are supposed to have done wrong. Argh! classic abusive behaviour!

I also don't think it's anything to do with willpower tbh as a problem like this goes deeep, is much more deep-rooted. Controlling the behaviour at the surface is largely ineffectual, a bit like putting cream on a rash when the rash is caused by kidney failure (etc).

You seem to only want to hear that it was your fault, that you are disgusting or repulsive in some way, which is why he backed off (and also why he did it so brutally).

Thanks Springy. My counsellor was ok really. I did about 4 sessions with her and she said pretty much what a lot of you say, pointing out to me the cruelty of the way I was treated. She did remark that it appeared I felt no anger at my ex, and it wasn't until she said this that I had even thought about that. She was right, but no matter how hard I try I don't seem to be able to be angry at him, and believe me I'm not a shy little daffodil and am quite prepared to pull people up when they do me wrong.
Why not him though? I just dunno?
If I was advising a friend I would say all the stuff you lot have said. Just can't seem to convince myself though.

4 sessions? ^four*??? You're going to need a lot more than four sessions to get to the bottom of this - more like forty if you really want to get to the root of it. YOu are not angry because you idolise him - he has to be perfect and everything else has to fit around that re: it must be you, as nothing else fits.

couldn't decide between ^ or * I got so emotional about the four sessions...

I couldn't possibly afford 40 sesions. They cost me £45 a go!
I've been really tempted to visit another discussion forum he visits today. He always posts on it and for ages I would visit it and his facebook page. At first I think it was to see if he ever posted anything that would give me a clue about the break up. But he never did. Then I would just visit it as part of my obsession. He was single for quite a while after our break up as he would post up about going on internet dates ( boy it hurt reading that). It felt really unhealthy doing this, but it became a habit. Visiting the site to see if he posted anything on a daily basis. How fucked up is that eh ?
Anyway, I stopped a few weeks ago and have felt better, but I'm always so bloody curious to visit it again as I know he's there.
I think the forum/ facebook thing became a bit of an addiction as well.

Some things are worth the expense. HOw much did your car cost? Was it worth the expense? Counselling isn't an added extra to make you feel better overnight, like an expensive lipstick.

Of course you're tempted to visit the discussion forum he visits - how many times a day do/did you? You probably walk/drive to areas you hope to bump into him (and have rehearsed exactly what you will say) and can't understand why you haven't bumped into him with all the effort you've put into it, half telling yourself that of course you're not trying, you don't care (I once kept the local Waitrose afloat with my daily visits in the hope of 'bumping into him'). It's not him you're addicted to but what he dangled in front of you, then whipped away very suddenly. He may have been a royal shit but he played into something that is already running in you. In fact, that is probably why you felt you were a perfect match - your vulnerabilities/addictions spooned together perfectly.

Imagine you changed the details to you looking at internet porn instead of eg visiting 'his' site. You'd see it was an addiction though it has similar hallmarks re it's private, nobody knows, you can do it when you like, you wo't be exposed. Have you had obsessions before? This may be the worst you've had but you have probably had something like it before - though that is not always the case. There is a 12-step group called love and sex anonymous - what you are describing is a love addiction (doesn't have to be a sex addiction too) and it is misery, but there is a high level of denial with all addictions ie I'm not so bad/this will pass. When you face up to the fact that it is ruling your entire life you realise it is an addiction, just like drugs, booze, shopping, sex, food etc (though is often accompanied by one or more of those )

Boltonrose it is NOT true that you "didn't measure up." You are enough exactly as you are. Getting yourself to truly understand that not just on an intellectual level but on a deep emotional gut level as well has got to be your number one task right now, whether you do it in therapy or not.

The reason I asked about whether the ex might have had any N (narcissistic) tendencies is because a) his hot-then-cold behaviour raised red flags with me, b) you seem to have the kind of self-esteem issues that can make you vulnerable to Ns, and c) once you start getting involved with these types it becomes a pattern all too quickly. Once you've had a relationship with one N I swear, other Ns have radar for you. That kind of "sweep you off your feet then disappear" behaviour is all too familiar and I know from experience how damaging it is.

Definitely Ns can be "in love with love" types. I think it's because those giddy, "in luurve" feelings aren't simply fun, but very powerful, and somehow they temporarily convince THEMSELVES that this time, they will magically be able to have a normal, lasting relationship. Of course they are not really capable of it, and when their own internal dissatisfactions resurface (because you weren't able to cure their narcissism!) -- they may pull the disappearing act. It hurts awfully and you're stuck struggling to make sense of something that honestly doesn't make sense. The only consolation is that, "Wham bam thank you ma'am" is, believe it or not, the least painful outcome of a relationship with an N! Again . . . bullet dodged!

SGB is right that at the dating stage, anyone is free to end a relationship with anyone for any reason. No argument there. However, the difference is that Ns manipulate you and set you up whether they consciously mean to do it (and some do) or not. It's not really a level playing field. If your ex was an N you should NOT feel badly that you taken in. These people are experts at romance (not relationships). The big rush is what they have practice at. They are incredibly charming more charming than any non-N. They pick up on what you want and offer exactly that, whatever that may be. They are the ones who whisper, "I think I'm falling in love with you" in your ear on the second date, who actually scare you a bit with their intensity, who want to see you every day, deluge you with flowers and romantic cards and want to talk on the phone for hours. If you're not on your guard against N behaviour, you actually think you should be worried about hurting him (!!), because he's so mad about you that he seems vulnerable.

I urge you to do some reading and if you think there were any N-ish things about this guy, you need to be aware of that and get yourself some "N-dar," because it indicates you have a vulnerability that other Ns would be more than happy to exploit.

Thanks again for advice. I haven't gone as far as to cruise round where he lives or anything like that, but I do live near him and many things I do are done in his area, so there is always a chance I may bump into him and I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't like to. What would I say? There was a time when I did have certain things I would have liked to have said, now I think I'd just blank him. Despite all the intense feelings I have for him I still have a lot of pride and I would never want him to see the effect he has had on me. I also think of what I would do if he ever contacted me. Again, as much as a big part of me craves this, I wouldn't ever forgive him or take him back. I'm pretty sorted in that way, just cannot get him out of my head. Good point made Springy about 'idolising' him. That's it in a nutshell really. I might add I am getting attention from a couple of different guys at the moment, but I just don't 'feel it' for them. I thought things would be different after a bloody year.

If you meet him smile sweetly and say 'Don't I know you from somewhere?'

" as much as a big part of me craves this, I wouldn't ever forgive him or take him back "

I just don't believe you rose - sorry. If he said jump you'd jump, particularly if he turned on the charm, which is very probably his forte. I'm sorry to be blunt but imo unless you deal with your vulnerablility to charmers (re you have blamed yourself for a year, even though it couldn't be clearer that he was at fault and was messing with your head, big time) you are on a fast track to meeting an irresistible charmer who DOESN'T dump you but instead hangs around to put you through years of torture. 40 x £45 is £1,800 - cheap if it means avoiding an agonising life (I'm not exaggerating btw).

Springy ye of little faith. I really would give him the bums rush. In spite of all my hand wringing and obsessive thoughts I have never acted upon them. Even after the initial break up I was very restrained. I'm not a total doormat.
And I'm afraid 1800 is really well out of my price range.

Good pun!

You don't have to be a doormat to have an obsession about someone - most aren't - or to be taken in by a charmer (as you have been, as have I) - in fact charmers go for strong personalities (all the better to take apart - it's a challenge for them).

boltonrose..I too recognise this behaviour...his I mean...

I suggest you google 'idealise-devalue-discard'

If he is one of these people that can do this and never look back then it is NOTHING you did.

Just because everyone is entitled to end a relationship if they want to, if someone tells you they love you, and you have been in some sort of relationship, it is cruel and nasty beyond belief to do this by text and then to disappear off the face of the earth.

And for you to be blamed for that behaviour is dreadful. Talk about blaming the victim!

As you can probably tell I have had experience of this myself, and it took alot of getting over. The only thing I did to contribute to the whole mess was to be too loving and giving. That won't happen again I can tell you!

Keep your chin up it will get better!

xxx

I got dumped by text in January after being with this guy for about 8 months and just burst into tears in the middle of M & S whilst reading it. I did have a few other issues going on at the same time but it totally devastated me, never thought I was going to be able to stop thinking about him. I finally have done and feel fine - thank goodness because it really crushed my confidence and self esteem. Literally have just stopped waking each day thinking of him. He's always stayed in touch and now has asked can we meet as friends once in a while, long distance relationship, which is a little confusing...i definitely shouldnt meet him - but i probably will.

Please don't!

I get what you are all saying with regards to narcissm (spelt properly?) but I honestly don't recognize him as a psycho ( Idealise-Devalue-Discard)
Fuck me if he was reading these threads I think I'd be the one he'd identify as a psycho!
During our relationship there were one or two times when he said he didn't want to see me again. These were the red flags I mentioned. They were kind of related to my reltionship to my ex husband, which is cordial at best, and necessary due to fact that we have kids together. He seemed to be convinced I still loved him, despite the fact I'd been divorced for years. On each occasion I managed to talk him round, but I never actually thought he was convinced. God knows why? It was clear that I didn't have much to do with my xh but we had been together for a very long time and mr narcissist just couldn't get how I wouldn't still have strong feelings for him.
I always suspected this may have been the reason for giving me the old Spanish Archer ( El-Bow)

mm mm mm

(that's me trying not to say anything)

BUT 3 TIMES IN 3 MONTHS!! CONSTANT DRAMA!! TRUMPED UP 'CHARGES'/SUSPICION/JEALOUSY!!

(see, I couldn't help it )

Hah, springydaffs, I was biting my tongue too. But but but . . . ! Trumped up charges check! Do-I-or-don't-I drama check! See -- I can't help it either!!!

C'mon boltonrose -- give over. Anyway, narcissists aren't psychos. They're often very successful, popular and personable, and I've run across (we'll say no more) a couple who had truly perfected the sensitive man act. It was a great dodge because it's a built-in excuse: he doesn't do what he does because he's a selfish cad . . . he does it because of his Grand Inner Torment. He's not jerking me around . . . he's conflicted, poor lamb. Ergo, I need to be more supportive, more reassuring, blah blah blah . . . [vomit emoticon]

Any of that possibly ring bells?

Sorry you two...you've lost me a bit on last posts.
Springy what do you mean 3 times in 3 months?
And the 'trumped up charges' thing?

He nearly dumped you twice, then dumped you - that's 3 times in 3 months.

He was 'convinced' you must still love your long-gone husband - trumped up charges. If it hadn't been your ex, it would have been someone at work, or the way you looked at someone in a shop...

It's all so depressingly familiar rose

[wearily turns away]

Understood.