obsession

[boltonrose]

Hi. I'm new here but I'd just like a bit of advice really. I was seeing someone about a year ago. It was a short relationship (a few months), but I was in love with him. We had had a couple of minor tiffs, but everything else was good and quite intense. Anyway, one day out of the blue he dumped me by text.
He also did it very callously with the words he used. When I tried to call and reply he simply went silent. I backed off for a while to see if he'd get in touch with me again. In fact, it was a few months before I tried again. I sent him a text and email, but again no response.
That was it really, and I know it's over between us given the time that has passed and the rather heartless way he ended things. My problem is, I just can't seem to stop thinking of him. To the point where he's on my mind every day, even after a year!
I have seen a counsellor and tried self hypnosis, have tried to keep busy and even dated other men, but he is still there in my thoughts. I still love him if I'm honest. The intensity of my obsession with him has lessened as time has gone on, and I have never done anything weird such as stalk him or anything. I would just like to know if anyone else has ever felt like this? I wonder if it's because I never got closure because I don't know to this day why he dumped me? As I say, I did try to make contact but all attempts were rebuffed.
Sorry if this is a bit long and waffly.

I agree with SGB - take up other hobbies. Join a book club, start running, sing in a choir, volunteer at your local hospice shop , take an evening course to learn French (all assuming you have time, which I guess you might as you have time for brooding, unfortunately). This guy was obviously a prat one way or another, to treat you like that, so you are well shot of him

I once ended a relationship (kindly) because it could never be permanent for various reasons. But I was so obsessed with thoughts of the guy that I was still dreaming about him for ages afterwards. So I had total control but it still messed with my head - I would've been desperate if someone had severed all contact.

You just need to try to be rational and hate this man for his callous behaviour. That won't stop the obsessive thoughts but they'll fade and eventually you'll rarely think about him and when you do you won't care.

As others have said, it'll help if you fill your time with friends and interests.

If you contact this guy you will end up feeling humiliated.

Hi Boltonrose - just had to say that you are feeling/saying/doing things that are so similar to the way I was when a 4 year relationship ended suddenly. And the comments from others about the "why" and simply not knowing what really happened, hence him becoming a sort of default setting in your head (and heart) are exactly how I felt and still do to a lesser extent.

I'm about 10 years older than you but, during the relationship, felt so young and alive it was visibly noticeable! It's now been 2 years and I've been in some very dark places but my family and an amazing counsellor have seen me through. I am a survivor. I filled every hour with extra work, OU course, evening classes, sport - you name it, I had a go at it.

The pain has changed from gut-wrenching grief, never ending tears and being totally lost. It's what I think of as "settled". Still there deep inside, but not overwhelming and although my progress is way slower than you are hoping for, believe me you will feel better as time goes by.

In terms of another relationship, I haven't felt strong enough to risk letting myself open to such hurt again, but will get there. I know I did nothing wrong and gave 100% to that man and for several years it seemed he did the same, but then walked away. So what I have learned is that I know for sure I'm capable of a deep loving relationship, whereas the chances are he is perhaps emotionally flawed and will never to able to achieve that degree of happiness.

Like I said, the obsessional feelings will change given time and you'll be an amazingly better person when you can let go. Wishing you luck :)

I'm also trying to fill my thoughts with other things. Had a short (six week) intense relationship with a guy I thought was just fabulous, all over by end of Feb this year. We just clicked so well, so instantly and had so much in common. He totally pursued me (he isn't even really my 'type'). And the romance was unbelievable. I was separated as was he, but whereas I had totally moved on from my marriage (my divorce came through 2 weeks ago - yipeee!), he hadn't and I guess I was the rebound girl? There were clear signs as he did mention the ex a lot and had only been separated six months or so after a long marriage. Anyway, he didn't really end it, just became depressed and then made all kinds of silly excuses to avoid our next date and eventually I said 'look, clearly you aren't ready'. And he admitted he wasn't. He wanted to remain friends, sent me 'missing you' texts. But my thoughts of him are all consuming. I've tried dating since but no one measures up to him. I'm annoying myself!!! And I'm finding it harder to get over him than my ex-husband of 12 or so years!!! Crazy!!! Haven't been in touch for 2 weeks now and determined not to be and as he hasn't been either, clearly he is not bothered about me. Also, deleted all texts, emails, gmail chats as I was obsessing. So - I get where you are coming from!! My sympathies. Men!!!!

Hoping we both have other (better) things to obsess about and soon!! ;)

if a guy talks a lot aboput his ex - is this a redflag?

It could be I suppose. Depends how he talks about her and what he's saying. Also depends on how long they have been broken up for.
Anyway, thanks for all your support. It helps to know others out there feel the same way, though you all have my sympathies.
I dunno...it's funny how the brain works. I mean, I don't want to think about him so you'd think I'd be able to just stop myself doing it. After all, it is my brain! I think the other poster, forgive me for forgetting who it was, who said the harder you try to stop thinking about it the more you do. It's like if I say 'don't think of an elephant', what's the first thing you think of? I suppose I'd just like some practical tips to help me deflect my thoughts from this rotter.

NOOOOOOO, boltonrose, do NOT contact him. You would just be picking the scab off all over again. Good to see you referring to him as a rotter, though, because he is one.

You MUST stop wondering if it was something you did, said, whatever. What I am thinking is that many of the guys who pull this act the big romance, the pursuing, the mirroring ("soul mates") stuff are actually narcissists to some degree, sometimes to a severe degree. Guess what! They're GREAT at STARTING romances. You know why? Because they are shallow people, their relationships don't last, so they've had LOTS of practice! They are also excellent at walking away whenever they feel like it, because they genuinely do not care about your emotions.

Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder on the web and see if you recognize any of it.

They are also excellent at walking away whenever they feel like it, because they genuinely do not care about your emotions.

agreed

Here is one of the best sites on NPD

NPD

YouaretooniceNOT - Well - I've been reading up on rebound relationships and if a guy is separated and not divorced or not divorced long and brings up his ex...apparently it is! He would mention things that he didn't miss about being with her and how awful things were and various other things. Just a bit too much. I never mentioned my ex unless asked. Apparenty, it takes guys (well, apart from my ex who moved on 8 weeks after we split!! But more a place to lay his head I think) longer to get over a previous relationship. I guess the moral is to stay away from separated men! For me anyway.

The main site to look at is always Dr Sam Vaknin's site samvak.tripod.com/

Found this as well romancelessons.blogspot.com/2006/04/how-to-be-involved-with-narcissist.html

Forgive me if this seems out of left field, but the cold way boltonrose's ex ended things via text made me wonder. And from what I've seen, relationships with narcissists are so confusing and damaging that these "obsessions" can be the result.

just throwing it out there . . . .

God....I've visited nearly every break up site etc that there is, in the early days, trying to make sense of it all. In the end I think the regular visits just prolonged the agony as it was a constant reminder of my situation.
Thanks for the link though leaves, I will check it out.
Also, I won't call him, in spite of my desire to.
You know, I think if I even just bumped into him one day it would probably bring me back down to earth as he couldn't possibly be as fantastic as I have remembered him to be. Despite living quite near each other though, this has never happened. I did have a spell where I had a compulsion to turn up at various social gatherings where I knew he'd be (courtesy of his facebook page during my facebook stalking stage) but thankfully I managed to resist the temptation. How desperate and stalky woyuld that have looked.

I think you need to look at thing a bit differently. You love and have love for the man you thought he was. He is not now the person you thought he was (would he have behaved like this if he was?)

So you have to see that love is all bestowed on an idea of a person. Some fictional character who has been partly idealised in the irrational part of your brain.

Knowing that helped me put those feelings in a little box and allowed me to separate that from the person.

Also, despite some obvious evidence to refute this, not ALL men are complete twunts!

Another thing to think about: these men are perfectly entitled to dump you, particularly after short relationships that have not involved living together, shared finances, or DC together. No one is obliged to continue in a relationship that they do not want to participate in, no matter how much 'in love' the other person considers themselves to be. While I am usually at the front of the queue to point out men's bad behaviour, particularly when such bad behaviour is due to inherent misogyny, I do wonder if in cases like this, the bloke dumped you by text and ran for the hills because he detected your obsessive streak and didn't want to know.
It is quite disturbing to have someone decide s/he is madly in love with you when you thought you were just having a nice time with the person. Love is not an outside entity that infects your brain, it's a choice you make. And no one has any right at all to expect that the love they consider they feel for another person has to be returned.

SGB ~ I dont think that is entirely fair. You are quite right saying that you cant, and shouldn't even try to, make someone return your feelings. But, despite the thread title, this op has not really dispayed overly obsessive BEHAVIOUR. Thoughts, yes maybe but she has not acted on them. So suggesting that he was entitled to treat a person so callously because he could "detect" something is not fair. He was out of order and twunt like and had no reason to treat another human being in that way.

I dont think going over things in your head is that far out of the realms of normal behaviour, do you?

The OP says herself she texted and called him 'several times' after he dumped her. She also says that she was 'in love', not 'we were in love'. SO it is not impossible that the bloke dumped and ran because he found her too intense. That doesn't make her behaviour awful, it just means that some posters are being unfair in saying he must be a bastard and a psychopath.

"I think if I even just bumped into him one day it would probably bring me back down to earth as he couldn't possibly be as fantastic as I have remembered him to be."

I think this is probably very true. The guy you're describing sounds like a common or garden twat, certainly not some once in a lifetime opportunity.

Breaking up 6 weeks into an intense relationship is very damaging I think, because it's just when you're on the precipice of falling in love and all your hardwired, evolutionary hormones are geared up to nest and make babies. So to have all that end so abruptly does something unbalancing to the brain I think.

Tellingly, I first split with my ex 6 weeks into our relationship, after what had been a bit of a whilrwind romance. But there were red flags right from the outset too - very intense, dramatic gestures of love, etc. It was probably the shock of us splitting at 6 weeks that kept me going back to him about 20 times over the following 7 years.

As others have said already, it sounds like that was probably the way your relationship with your ex would have gone, so consider yourself to have had a lucky excape and avoided wasting years on a hiding to nothing.

SGB, I hope you don't think I'm saying he "must" be a psychopath. For starters, I wouldn't conflate narcissism with psychopathy. I'm just throwing it out there because from what the OP said, the ex blew hot and cold, occasionally told her he loved her but she found herself doubting it, and then dumped her out of the blue via a harshly-worded text message. We don't have enough details to draw many conclusions, agreed.

But if she only texted and called "several times" after this dumping that would be more than I would do, but it doesn't sound out of line -- just as though she was trying to ask him what had happened to cause his feelings to change (as she saw it). Since he didn't tell her we don't know either.

I did wonder if there were any "N" traits she might have picked up on, because being involved with an N will really mess your head around.

Anyhoo. May I say I'm a fan of your work?

I take the point of SGB, but I don't think I acted particularly obsessively when I was with him. If anything it was him who behaved in that way at times. He would sometimes get upset if I hadn't contacted him every day. And it was him who first said he loved me, and carried on saying it and writing it at various times.
I think it was natural to try to contact him after the break up to find out what was going on, but I didn't over do it.
I have my pride and his silence said it all. I only contacted him some months later as I wondered if I had upset him in some way and thought I'd given him enough space to think about it. However, again I was met with a blank.
As I say, I've ruminated over the whole thing a thousand times and now I'd just like to stop. The whole thing has really damaged my confidence, despite the front I put on to other people in RL :-(

"if a guy talks a lot aboput his ex - is this a redflag?" - YouaretooniceNOT.

Errr, YES!

Would it suprise you to learn that I had a woman do almost the exact same thing to me once, after a short and particularly intense relationship.
It's not just blokes who do it.

I dont think anyone here suggested it was just blokes ....... or all blokes for that matter.