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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just got a really big bonus...and I feel sick with guilt.

67 replies

Hopethisnamechangehasworked · 12/04/2011 19:40

Hi

I've name changed for this - I feel a bit embarrassed about the whole thing really.

I've just got of the phone to DH, who today was awarded a really really big bonus at work - 45% of his basic salary. He is (obviously) really pleased and excited and was talking about all the things that we can do with it.

I on the other hand got off the phone to him and just burst into tears. My sister and her DH have, for years and years, really struggled with money and they are having a particularly bad time of it at the moment. I just feel so guilty that things are easy for me and DH financially, when my poor sister and DH spends most of her time feeling sick with worry about how they are going to afford the next gas bill etc.

I help my sister out when I can, but I don't earn anywhere near as much as my DH, and don't have as much as him to spare. I feel really sad that she and her DH can't afford to spend anything on treats for themselves (eg they won't be entering the Olympics ballot as they wouldn't be able to afford tickets even though they would really love to go) when DH and I can.

It's a really tricky situation, and the whole imbalance/injustice really really upsets me.

Sorry, you probably all think I'm an ungrateful moron (hence the name change) but I just wanted to get it off my chest. I don't want to speak to anyone I know about my feelings.

OP posts:
sharbie · 12/04/2011 19:41

ha there is an easy answer to this - give your sister some of the money

pippibluestocking · 12/04/2011 19:41

Why don't you discuss with DH re offering some of the bonus to DS?

smallwhitecat · 12/04/2011 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nethunsreject · 12/04/2011 19:43

You are not ungrateful at all.
You are a loving sister!

Why don't you have as much to spare as dh though? ddo you not pool your cash?

WhatsWrongWithYou · 12/04/2011 19:43

Your sis is lucky to have you as a sister, you sound lovely. But you're both adults and there's no reason you should feel guilty about your own good fortune.

Your DH has reason to be thrilled (as do you) - I don't understand what the tears are about.

going · 12/04/2011 19:43

Buy some nice presents for your ds and her dh or give her some of the money - easy answer!

TheCrackFox · 12/04/2011 19:44

Your sister might not actually want any money from you.

pooka · 12/04/2011 19:44

Take them to olympics, your treat.

perfumedlife · 12/04/2011 19:45

The guilt is not yours to feel. The money your dh was awarded was earned, by him, thereofor this is not your doing.

Doesn't he half his bonus with you? If so, give it all to your sister if that would make you feel better.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 12/04/2011 19:45

Or you could put the money towards something that benefits your DCs' futures - would that feel wrong as well?

BooBooGlass · 12/04/2011 19:45

Since when is enterign the olympic ballot a gague of someone's wealth? Mind boggling

ilikeshoes · 12/04/2011 19:46

Just help your sister out a little more you have,nt to tell your husband if you feel you can,t, also i would not mention the rise to your sister just treat her a little more.

Original poster
Hopethisnamechangehasworked · 12/04/2011 19:50

BooBooGlass - she doesn't have the money to spend on tickets if she won - so she won't enter. That's how it's a gauge of wealth.

I don't think she'd want me to give her money - she'd be very embarrassed.

Sorry to sound so silly.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 12/04/2011 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whelk · 12/04/2011 19:52

If you do it in a breezy 'we've just had a windfall, I would like to give you some money (name figure)' way could it be OK?

ScarlettWalking · 12/04/2011 19:52

That's life I'm afraid. I am in a similar situation with my sisters although they were actually really awful growing up to me so my guilt about it soon fades.

Good luck to you and your DH, he earned it good for him.

CJ2010 · 12/04/2011 19:52

Oh do shut up! Get over yourself.

mollymawk · 12/04/2011 19:54

Can you not just share some of the money with your sister? Or offer to pay for specific things if she would not be happy to receive just a lump sum.

BooBooGlass · 12/04/2011 19:55

It just seems a very silly yhing to pity them for. The worry abotu bills, that's valid. But to feel bad that they can't go to the olympics? Err, no. Do they even want to go?

Alouiseg · 12/04/2011 19:56

It will be taxed at 50% think of the good that it will do. Buy your sister something nice or give her an envelope of cash.

stillbroody · 12/04/2011 19:57

You aren't ungrateful nor a moron, just a loving sister that wants to help out.
Does she have something you can top up for her? Like a gas meter with a card you can put some money on or some such?

Imps7 · 12/04/2011 19:57

BluddyMoFo - you're right - I've never actually spoken to her about it but she actually may care less about it than I do.

CJ2010 - thanks - I needed that :)

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 12/04/2011 19:58

I isn't realise not going to the olympics was a sign of poverty in the uk?

Greenshadow · 12/04/2011 19:58

Why not put in for extra tickets in the Olympic ballot and treat them all to a day out if you are lucky enough to win - could say it was her birthday present if it makes everyone feel better.

Imps7 · 12/04/2011 19:59

BooBooGlass - agreed - it was just the first example that sprang to mind because I was emailing her about it today. But yes, they would love to go.

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