My DH just got a really big bonus...and I feel sick with guilt.

[Hopethisnamechangehasworked]

Hi

I've name changed for this - I feel a bit embarrassed about the whole thing really.

I've just got of the phone to DH, who today was awarded a really really big bonus at work - 45% of his basic salary. He is (obviously) really pleased and excited and was talking about all the things that we can do with it.

I on the other hand got off the phone to him and just burst into tears. My sister and her DH have, for years and years, really struggled with money and they are having a particularly bad time of it at the moment. I just feel so guilty that things are easy for me and DH financially, when my poor sister and DH spends most of her time feeling sick with worry about how they are going to afford the next gas bill etc.

I help my sister out when I can, but I don't earn anywhere near as much as my DH, and don't have as much as him to spare. I feel really sad that she and her DH can't afford to spend anything on treats for themselves (eg they won't be entering the Olympics ballot as they wouldn't be able to afford tickets even though they would really love to go) when DH and I can.

It's a really tricky situation, and the whole imbalance/injustice really really upsets me.

Sorry, you probably all think I'm an ungrateful moron (hence the name change) but I just wanted to get it off my chest. I don't want to speak to anyone I know about my feelings.

I think you're being a bit self indulgent OP. You help your sister out when you can - great. Your dh works hard and has earned a bonus (presumably sacrificing family time to do so?) Also great.

Why are you combining the two and feeling guilty?

You aren't responsible for your sister's choices. She hasn't helped your dh win his bonus (but I bet you have). There is no relationship between the two situations. The Olympics things is a bit odd btw - definately some overthinking going on there.

Congratulate your dh, enjoy your good fortune and be charitable wherever and whenever you can. There is no need to feel guilty and in fact doing so is as I said at the top of my post - self indulgent.

BTW - you've blown your namechange

I don't see how it's different than winning the lottery

It doesn't matter whether she has much less than you, if you want to share it you certainly could offer.

I have at least ten friends that would give me a hundred grand if they won the lottery

life's a bloody lottery - I've also sent poorer members of my family money when I've had windfalls. I sent my sis 5 grand once (ten years ago when I was earning plenty)

I feel a bit sorry for your DH to be honest - poor chap all pleased and excited about his fabulous bonus (45%! What does he do??) and your guilt about your sister means you can't share in the pleasure. You should be rolling around in a pile of fivers giggling, not feeling wretched. Surely your sister would want you to enjoy your good fortune?

I'm also a bit dubious about the Olympics thing - it's hardly a 'must have', is it? Tickets are hugely expensive - I don't know anyone who has entered the ballot, and no one feels hard done by because of it. Mind you, we are a long way from London...

I looked at the Olympic ballot thing and decided it was too expensive - i wouldn't regard myself as poor.

Okay, okay, bad example.

Aren't the olympic tickets (plus travel, food, possible accomodation etc) actually quite an expensive day out for a family or am I missing something here

If she couldn't afford to go to her local farm park...or the park and get an ice cream with the kids then I would consider that hardship!

So, OP. What are you going to spend the money on? Indulge us with some vicarious extravagance.

My BIL earns twice as much as DH, and gets huge bonuses, and we really couldn't care less.

I think you sound like a lovely sister, truly.

Could you treat them to something? A surprise weekend away (you look after their DC if they have them) for a birthday present?

I have a SIL who is married to a v wealthy man (and believe me when I say I would never want to swap with them, her DH is never there and she is v lonely, it is very much a poison chalice) and a brother who isn't well off at all but who is blissfully happy. I am pretty much in between.
Unless they are pretty much hand to mouth, in which case I would try and help if you can do so in a non-patronising fashion, I would ask, is your sister happy? Yes she may not be financially well off but I do believe firmly that whilst money can make life more comfortable unless you are really struggling, it can cause more problems in any event. Remember, you are the one crying!

..so maybe it doesn't bother her?

Xposted

<a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=3.bp.blogspot.com/_nhO22LdLrZU/TTnvg5vsiqI/AAAAAAAAAao/11iVsrxZsNI/s1600/violin123.jpg&imgrefurl=indecisivelydeciding.blogspot.com/2011/01/decisions-decisions.html&h=512&w=391&sz=15&tbnid=iNtV5JPnN2Z4vM:&tbnh=131&tbnw=100&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dworld%27s%2Btiniest%2Bviolin%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=world%27s+tiniest+violin&hl=en-GB&usg=__3p3_xIex0VbsRv4P0yJKw6qBHy0=&sa=X&ei=86SkTcP3B8ip8APVzOW5Dw&ved=0CDIQ9QEwAw" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this should help

My sis and DH's brother are both extremely wealthy. It does not mean that I want a hand out from them or indeed that I am unhappy with my life in anyway.

Mmmm...tricky. Depends how close you are, and how open you are about these things. For example, would she and her dh be ok with you paying for you all to go on holiday somewhere? Just be upfront without pitying. Look, I know you can't afford this, but was wondering if you'd like to go away with us, and we'll pay. Or to ask her if she'd like to go away for a nice spa weekend - on you. Some quality time as sisters. I think when things are all unsaid and bottled up that it can feel like pity or arrogance. I think if you are honest that you'd just like to share some of the wealth because you love her and wonder if she'd like to enjoy some of it too...then that would be cool.

fgs, don't cry and say you feel sick with guilt about your husband's good fortune in front of her

If your sister is anything like DH's DB and DSIL, they would be pretty pissed off at you feeling sorry for them. DH and I between us earn a hell of a lot more than his DB and DSIL, but they are happy and have even offered us lots of things for our new baby - we have reciprocated by passing things on that DS has grown out of.
DH is going with them to see Roger Water's perform The Wall, DH has paid for the tickets and DB was going to pay him back, however we know things are tight for them as DSIL ended up quitting her job (lots of issues with the boss) and is trying to set up a business from home. So DH and have decided not to say anything about the money for the tickets and hope that DB forgets he hasn't paid us, because if DBIL does remember he will insist on reimbursing DH!

I suggest you take this kind of tactic with your DSis, OP!

Oh, just to add, at one point my sis and her dh were a lot more well off than us, and she used to offer us things, and I just took it that she loved me and gladly accepted it. I am not going to be 'too proud'. She's my sis. And I know she wasn't offering because she thought I was miserably poor, but she had spare cash which we didn't and often money can buy some nice treats!

If she wont take money then stop moaning about fortunate you are

It's a really weird thing to worry about.

I mean a lot better off

EggyFucker

I think your being self indulgent and silly , your sister isnt homeless nor starving to death and i genuineley wonder why you commented that the injustice / imbalance really upsets you . What injustice ? Your H presumably is more qualified and has a better job than your sisters H , theres no injustice in that , its just life.

boasting thread innit

bad form, OP

Stealth boasting-yawn.