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Original poster

Slept with him but heard nothing since

56 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 11/04/2011 22:15

I split up with my husband two months ago. Since then I have grown very close to a friend of his, not ideal I know.

Although we were never actually intimate we spent time together and I told him a lot of things that even my closest friends don't know.
My ex heard about it and convinced himself that it was going on when we were still together and used this to justify his behaviour towards me.

So we decided to stay away from each other for a while because it was too soon after everything that happened. He told me he cared about me a lot but it was clear I needed some space and he would still be there if ever I needed him.

At the weekend we bumped into each other while we were out and I ended up going back to his where we had sex for the first time.
It was amazing, he was so gentle and only seemed to be interested in pleasing me. So different to my ex who was abusive and controlling both in the bedroom and out of it.

But this was on friday night and I have heard nothing from him since.
I know this is what was agreed but not even a text...? Confused

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 11/04/2011 22:29

Hello Fairy, are you trying to figure out what has happened?

What had you hoped to get from this encounter? Had either of you stated what the encounter was about or what it would lead to? Had drink been taken?

I think that honest answers to these questions will provide clues as to what is happening with this man.

I hope you are not disappointed with the situation, however, its not the end of the world and if it was a good experience from the sex POV then you can take something good from it. HTH ?

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 11/04/2011 22:52

Sorry it would have helped if there was a question in there somewhere but not really sure what it is I'm asking, just been driving myself loopy thinking about it all weekend.

He had been drinking but I don't think he was drunk and I had had a couple of glasses of wine. tbh there wasn't a lot of conversation but he told me he had missed me so I expected a bit more than silence afterwards.

I'm confused now as to what his intentions are, should I be pleased he is not pressuring me and understands my situation or concerned that he isn't that into me, otherwise he would be trying a bit harder?

OP posts:
Grevling · 11/04/2011 23:08

Why don't you phone him.....oh wait trying not to sound too needy. Which sounds like he's doing the same.

Text him see what happens.

YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 23:27

Prepare for the worst OP. He might have just wanted sex with you...sorry.

text him and see what happens ^^ agreed.

YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 23:27

let us know won't you?

promise?

good luck x

Anniegetyourgun · 12/04/2011 08:50

Ah, that's the one about whom everyone on the other thread said "I wouldn't go there if I were you, not yet at least", or words to that effect. It was probably a bad idea and it will give your psycho ex ammunition to treat you even more like shit if he ever finds out. I imagine the temptation to let someone show they cared about you was irresistable, though, so it's difficult to tell you off! (Not to mention that it's your life and your body and you can shag whoever you please.)

Ah well, at least you know you can have amazing sex and that men can be gentle and eager to please. That is knowledge to treasure.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/04/2011 08:56

Good sex is worth having whether or not it leads on to anything 'more'. And TBH, good enjoyabl sex is, at the moment, better for you than plunging into another relationship: women who have just got rid of an abuser need a good chunk of time on their own to make sure their knob-radar has been properly reset.
This 'friend of the XP' is a great shag, which is good, but he may be lazy, a whiner, controlling, boring... what unfortunately often happens to women who have dumped one abuser is that they move on to a different type of abuser oe XP was violent, so next bloke is not violent but he's an alcoholic, a liar, whatever.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/04/2011 12:03

Tried calling him but there was no answer.
Got a text 10 minutes later saying sorry he didn't answer, he's at work. Would love to see me again and asked me to call him later if I'm interested.
No explanation for not calling since friday but will see what he says tonight.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 12/04/2011 12:24

Text back to call you later, and when he does ask why you haven't heard from him. I think he was waiting to here from you personally.

shimmerysilverglitter · 12/04/2011 12:28

Blimey don't start this off feeling all tense over a phone call. Sounds like a good result. Under the circumstances he probably, quite understandably imvho, wanted to leave the ball in your court.

cabbageroses · 12/04/2011 12:31

You should not ask him why he didn't call before now.

why should he have?

if there is one way to send him running, it is to get all possesssive/demanding at such an early stage.

Just be cool and let him think youare super busy and really not that fussed.

geordieminx · 12/04/2011 12:46

Just relax! Play it cool. Have fun.

There is nothing guaranteed to put a bloke off more than a whiney possessive controlling too keen woman.

Just take it as it comes Wink

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/04/2011 13:24

Yes I think you're right. I won't ask why he didn't call because he had no reason to really. He already made it clear that he liked me but left it down to me to get back in touch with him if I wanted.

But he knows I'm not the type to sleep around and have one night stands so I thought friday would change things.

Never mind. It's a positive result and he is not being pushy. That's a good thing right?

OP posts:
shimmerysilverglitter · 12/04/2011 14:46

Its totally a good thing. You left it before to give yourself time (this is a good thing!), he left you alone to give you time, respecting what you need (another good thing), now something has changed between you but personally I think in his position I might well have woken up thinking "well what now, not sure whether or not she is ready, will leave it till I hear from her", this is healthy. Sounds like a good start to be honest.

atswimtwolengths · 12/04/2011 15:43

I want to know how this man can be friends with your husband.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/04/2011 16:17

Because my husband is not so keen to tell everybody what he did which is hardly surprising and I haven't told anyone apart from my mum and my best friend. I guess sooner or later I will have to tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/04/2011 16:26

God knows what lies he has told them. I could find out but don't think I want to hear it

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 12/04/2011 16:33

I think he was giving you the space he said he would earlier on. He must be wondering how to play this too. Its must be a risk for him to get involved with a mate's ex.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/04/2011 16:42

Yes it puts him in an awkward situation too.
It doesn't help that every time we are seen together by his so called friends it gets back to my ex. I wasn't ready to deal with that before.

OP posts:
YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 18:45

This is why i won't date i cannot stand all the mind games, tip toeing around each other bs. I'm too impatient!

YouaretooniceNOT · 12/04/2011 18:46

I know that this is different..

Flowerbomb · 12/04/2011 19:25

He probably didn't know whether to call, if you are recently single, going through lots of emotions etc. probably didn't want to rush you and did want to leave the ball in your court knowing you are hurt/vunerable or anything like that.

It is very good that he has said he would like to see you again, he is being open and up front and you shoud appreciate him for that and also be open and up front.

As said before PLAY IT COOL, if you asked "why didn't you call" it wouldn't sound good, but if you said "I did wonder if i might have heard from you" it is an opening to a discussion without an accusation iyswim.

Good luck, take it easy and I hope everything works out the way you want it.

MikeRotch · 12/04/2011 19:25

because he just aint into you.
sorry

perfumedlife · 12/04/2011 19:39

I don't know your back story as it were fairycakes but I think maybe the guy has coldish feet with regard to his mate. I know we can read into things too much, but I personally believe that a man who is keen doesn't leave it up to you to send a text/call. He spent a night being intimate, and then nada. Sad

If you told him deep stuff that even your best friends don't know, why didn't you confide in him over your relationship with your h? Seems odd that he won't know anything of what your marriage breakdown was about.

I hope he calls you, I just would try to look on it as no big deal if it doesn't go any further.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/04/2011 20:17

He knows my husband was very controlling and emotionally abusive, he has seen some of the messages I have been sent (because he was with me at the time) and was quite shocked at the content.

He doesn't know he was physically abusive. I think he may suspect it and if he asked I would tell him but to be honest we don't spend a lot of time talking about my marriage. As much as I feel that I am moving on it is still quite raw.

I have known him along enough to know he cares about me but maybe that's as far as it goes? I don't know.

OP posts: