Slept with him but heard nothing since

[fairycakesandsprinkles]

I split up with my husband two months ago. Since then I have grown very close to a friend of his, not ideal I know.

Although we were never actually intimate we spent time together and I told him a lot of things that even my closest friends don't know.
My ex heard about it and convinced himself that it was going on when we were still together and used this to justify his behaviour towards me.

So we decided to stay away from each other for a while because it was too soon after everything that happened. He told me he cared about me a lot but it was clear I needed some space and he would still be there if ever I needed him.

At the weekend we bumped into each other while we were out and I ended up going back to his where we had sex for the first time.
It was amazing, he was so gentle and only seemed to be interested in pleasing me. So different to my ex who was abusive and controlling both in the bedroom and out of it.

But this was on friday night and I have heard nothing from him since.
I know this is what was agreed but not even a text...?

It was more a case of 'I can't stay' and not 'I want to leave' iyswim

Yes I understand what you mean. But I don't think any of that means that you did not have a choice. There is always a choice, and many women would have gone back after that. So actually you made a very brave and strong choice.

Of course most people on here were strongly advising you not to go back and so, I think, were your RL support group. But it wasn't anyone's choice but yours. I think the risk with allowing yourself to think that the choice was out of your hands is that it may encourage 'victim mentality', and also allows you to think that breaking up with him was a bad thing. When actually the break-up wasn't the bad part - it was the best and safest thing for you to do. The bad part was the violence and the rest of the abuse.

I hope that makes some sense.

PS I am not suggesting you are not a victim in this - of course you are/were a victim of your ex's abusive behaviour - but I am trying to discourage you from seeing yourself as helpless.

Yes that makes sense. I know it was the best thing to do but it doesn't make it any easier.

The last few times he has been round he hasn't looked me in the eye and he has barely said a word to me, he's so distant now. We're married but it's like we're strangers. I would at least like us to get on and be able to talk but there is nothing there anymore

I think that will take some time. And it is very unlikely ever to happen if you become involved with his mate. It's a pity because he sounds nice, and I expect you could do with some affection and protection at the moment. I can't really advise you either way as to whether you should pursue that relationship, just beware of the potential pitfalls and don't kid yourself that you don't want anything serious. I think that there are very few women in this world who can do 'casual' relationships, especially when they are emotionally vulnerable.

Take care of yourself and I am glad to hear that you have maintained the separation from the ex.

You can't be friends with an abusive XP, fairycakes. This man is not your friend, he is your enemy - he has repeatedly hurt you because he wanted to. He chose to hurt you and he did it deliberately, because he LIKED it. Your tears, your pain, your terror, they feed something in him, and the man you 'loved' doesn't exist and never really did.
This is the bottom line with abusers, there is something fundamentally broken in them which means they see a partner as someone to enjoy hurting.