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Original poster

Slept with him but heard nothing since

56 replies

fairycakesandsprinkles · 11/04/2011 22:15

I split up with my husband two months ago. Since then I have grown very close to a friend of his, not ideal I know.

Although we were never actually intimate we spent time together and I told him a lot of things that even my closest friends don't know.
My ex heard about it and convinced himself that it was going on when we were still together and used this to justify his behaviour towards me.

So we decided to stay away from each other for a while because it was too soon after everything that happened. He told me he cared about me a lot but it was clear I needed some space and he would still be there if ever I needed him.

At the weekend we bumped into each other while we were out and I ended up going back to his where we had sex for the first time.
It was amazing, he was so gentle and only seemed to be interested in pleasing me. So different to my ex who was abusive and controlling both in the bedroom and out of it.

But this was on friday night and I have heard nothing from him since.
I know this is what was agreed but not even a text...? Confused

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 12/04/2011 20:22

I do think he will be feeling cautious with having been a mate of your h's. Were they very good pals, long term?

MooMooFarm · 12/04/2011 20:23

Just try to relax and enjoy it - wherever it goes. And the fact that he hasn't contacted you since Friday means nothing IMO - it was only Monday!

Have you got back in touch with him since his text? If not, when you do, be cool, be friendly and I wouldn't even mention him not contacting you before. He's not broken any promises, and knowing your recent past, he's probably thinking he should take it v slowly - surely that's all good.

Enjoy and just see where it goes!

Brices · 12/04/2011 20:29

I reckon he'll call you when he finishes work and arrange a hot date!

If he doesn't call you tonight, its a question of that was a great weekend I've just had, the next weekend will be even hotter, wonder who will be the lucky fella? I'm getting really good at this, feeling really positive about myself and I'm moving on.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 12/04/2011 20:29

How good a friend of your XP's is this man, though? If he is very close to your XP I would have thought he might have some idea that your XP is a woman-hating arsehole (while I don't know the backstory, bloke who sends shocking abusive texts to his XW is a woman-hating arsehole, generally).
If he is someone who knows your XP in a general, sociable, one-of-the-lads-down-the-pub way then he might not have thought about it much.
The thing is, if you date this man and build a relatinship with him, it's not going to work out if he wants to keep your horrid XP as a friend. Because how could you feel safe dating someone who thinks that what your XP did in terms of abusing you is forgivable enough for him to want to keep on being friends with such a man?

HerBeX · 12/04/2011 20:34

God I must be very old and out of touch.

I think if a bloke doesn't contact you after shagging, he's jsut not that interested in you. And I'm high maintenance enough to want a bloke to be enough interested in me to bother to at least text, tbh. Unless it is genuinely just sex and you don't mind fitting him in when you're not busy.

MooMooFarm · 12/04/2011 20:37

HerBex I agree to a point, but I think four days is nothing to worry about - a week is ok in my book... Because I would rather start seeing someone who has a busy, full life with lots of other things going on, than someone who rings me the next day because they have no life and want me to fill it up for them!

HerBeX · 12/04/2011 21:50

Yes I think it's a balance. But TBH for most people, sleeping with someone else is a big deal, it's not like having gone to the cinema, had a meeting to discuss how to organise the street party for the royal wedding, or discussed PTA stuff with them. It does require slightly more acknowledgement than the run of the mill activities that don't involve sex. So four days to me would be the outside edge of what I would consider a relationship prospect. Any longer, and he'd only be a fuck. (Nothing wrong with that btw, fucks are in general a Good Thing as long as they're not mistaken for something more meaningful.)

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/04/2011 22:34

Just got off the phone and he wants to see me again at the weekend Smile He had been waiting for me to call for the last three weeks as he wasn't sure if it was too soon for me or if I was even that interested.

He isn't best mates with my ex or anything, they have known each other a long time but hang around more in a group with other people down the pub, that kind of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 12/04/2011 22:49

HerBex I know what you are saying but this is slightly different.
I have very recently separated from my husband who is a friend of his and we have a baby son together. I haven't so much as spoken to a solicitor about a divorce yet so I kind of understand him thinking the ball is in my court.

OP posts:
IsItTime · 12/04/2011 23:15

Oh fairy Sad I have followed your previous threads.
I truly wish you had more self esteem - I don't understand why you are trying to jump from a domestic abusive relationship (~that finished a month ago) into a new relationship straight away.
Take some time out.
Think about youself and what you have to offer.
There is no rush for a new relationship.
Surely you've gone through enough with your ExDH?
Take some time out
xx

MigratingCoconuts · 13/04/2011 08:10

isittime, that is exactly what I was thinking too Sad. I am sure he is lovely but I am also sure you are not ready for this...or the fallout from ex

QuintessentialShadows · 13/04/2011 08:23

I dont know your backstory either, but I would question the wisdom of jumping from one bloke "in the group that hangs down the pub", to another bloke in the same group..... Dont you need a change of scenery? Different type of man?

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/04/2011 11:03

I am not looking for anything serious right now and neither is he so I don't really know what the problem is.
I'm going to be so busy over the next couple of weeks moving house I am not going to see him an awful lot anyway so we'll see what happens.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 13/04/2011 11:17

fairycakes, we are just looking out for you as you have very good reason to be vulnerable right now and we don't want you to get any more hurt Smile

However, we do want you have have a really good time and enjoy life for a bit...

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/04/2011 13:34

I know it is a bit of a mess. Part of me doesn't want to be on my own because it gives my ex hope that he can pressure me and I will go back and that's my fear because I still love him. Gosh I sound terrible

OP posts:
ClancyCrew · 13/04/2011 13:36

stop shagging people.

sort yourself out.
then restart

HerBEggs · 13/04/2011 13:48

Hmm I've just been mulling over this a bit and some of the other posts struck me. There's something else here that you might want to consider, OP.

The bog standard response of most people when a couple breaks up, is to keep well out of it. That may not be particularly praiseworthy or a good thing to do, but that is pretty normal and what most people do do, for better or worse.

There's something a bit iffy about a man who isn't particularly looking for something serious and important, relationship-wise, mixing himself up in a very nasty breakup - where there is DV, by definition that is very nasty. Most normal blokes I think, would stand well back and let the break up happen and be long over with before they looked at a woman who was involved in such a break up, unless they were emotionally involved and really wanting to help and support that women get out of that relationship. He's not, you say, so why is he courting trouble? There's a kind of code among men, they don't shag their friend's missus, even if she's his ex - look at the furore about Vanessa Peroncel shagging John Terry, even though she was Wayne Bridge's ex, not his current girlfriend. Even if they're not best bestest friends, they tend to stick to that unwritten rule, they don't get invovled with exes of mates they hang around with, unless it's years later and no longer an issue.

I jsut wonder why this guy isn't following that code. I'm not syaing that makes him a bad guy (am not that impressed by the code anyway frankly) but just wondering what makes him attracted to the shit that might come his way, when he doesn't have much emotional investment in the woman involved?

I'm not saying that he's a shit stirrer or that he's attracted to trouble or that his motives are bad. They may not be. But I just think it's worth throwing it out there in case it's relevant for you. As MC says, we're all just rooting for you and want you to have fun, not more trouble. Smile

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/04/2011 13:48

I don't think I can 'sort myself out' because my feelings won't go away. I just need to get on with my life really

OP posts:
noddyholder · 13/04/2011 13:54

Too close to home. I would play it a bit cooler tbh and not contact him at all.

YouaretooniceNOT · 13/04/2011 14:45

The only way you will find love (if that is what you want) - is if you love yourself first - you do not ned a boyfriend/sex to feel OK about yourself. it come from liking you first. A therapist can help you with this.

cabbageroses · 13/04/2011 15:17

I think you need to be honest- with you.

You said that you don't want anything serious etc but here you are , posting asking why a man has not contacted you after what could be a 1 night stand.

iti s very early days to be getting into something with anyone else.

weeks in fact since your split.

I think a lot depends on what you are feeling- for someone who had detached their emotions whilst still living with their DH they might, just might, be ready for something after 2 months.

But you say that you still love your DH!

If all you want is some nice sex now and then and a friend in this man that's fine- but it seems you expect more.

I hope he doesn't mess you about- nor you him.

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/04/2011 19:04

I do still love my husband and I feel like the decision to end it was taken completely out of my hands which makes it even harder.

I am not expecting a lot from this other man, I enjoy his company and the night I spent with him was very good. I guess I'm flattered that he likes me but then when he didn't call I was upset because I wondered if he was just using me.

HerBEggs that's an interesting point and I don't know the answer but have been thinking about it all afternoon.

I'm on my own now, H came and picked up DS as he has him every wednesday overnight and I feel so lonely, had a good cry earlier

OP posts:
cabbageroses · 13/04/2011 19:53

He might have been using you- you might have been using him- in the nicest possible way :)

Sorry you are feeling blue ((((((((hug)))))))))))))

Things will get better- just don't jump so fast into something that you get hurt.
You are in real rebound territory and your judgement may not be what it could be.

nbyet · 13/04/2011 20:42

Fairycakes why do you feel that the choice was taken out of your hands to end the marriage?

Original poster
fairycakesandsprinkles · 13/04/2011 21:30

I didn't want to do it but I felt because of the enormity of what he did it would be impossible to stay. People saying I would be a bad mother if I went back really really hurt as well, it struck a chord.

After I left and we talked about trying to make it work he let me down again. That told me that the risk of it all going wrong and my son witnessing it was too high because he swore to me he wouldn't hurt me again and within a few days he already had.

So really it wasn't down to my feelings, it was down to other people, his actions, our son, lots of things really apart from my own feelings which have never changed.

I'm probably not explaining very well. Does any of that make sense?

OP posts:
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