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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im finding it incredibly hard not to tell dh to ...

56 replies

cheesesarnie · 09/04/2011 18:55

piss off and move out.
we got back from holiday yesterday-the magic of disney did nothing to him.we barely spoke.its been rubbish for years but im getting to hating stage now.being on holiday in a place that amazing with a stranger that you dont like brings it home how rubbish our relationship is and i feel sorry for dc,they must know things are bad and that its not normal.
he just asked me where car keys are.i said 'where you going?'just wondering as needed something from shops.he said 'out'.thats all i get is one word answers.i had to stop myself from telling him to piss off and find somewhere else to live because dc are sat here.Sad

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 18:57

well if you arent happy i'd be telling him exactly why,and discussing either sorting it out oor shipping out!!

lifes too bloody short....and being a lone parent is not so bad!!

K999 · 09/04/2011 19:00

Life's too short to be in a miserable relationship, believe me. Smile

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 09/04/2011 19:02

weve discussed it over and over along the years.ive had enough now.like i said,being on an amazing holiday and him still not being able to smile or be part of the whole thing made me realise what a twat he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesesarnie · 09/04/2011 19:04

might make an appointment with CAB next week and so where i stand with house etc.(we rent)

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 19:07

hown long you been together?

K999 · 09/04/2011 19:14

I left my ex h because he was just like you describe and in all honesty I have never looked back. I know it's hard but as I said before, life really is too short.

Gently · 09/04/2011 19:14

I'm not sure I could raise a smile if I had to go to Disney! [unhelpful]

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 09/04/2011 19:14

been together for 12 years.married for nearly 11.

OP posts:
HansieMom · 09/04/2011 20:06

I'm with Gently on this one. But if he was going to be a sourpuss he should not have gone.

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 09/04/2011 20:10

Grin gently!it was him who booked it.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 20:11

christ,what makes him happy then?

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 09/04/2011 20:19

i cant think of one single thing.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 09/04/2011 20:24

That is so sad

You deserve better

K999 · 09/04/2011 20:31

Have you discussed this with him?? Is he aware of how you feel?

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 09/04/2011 20:36

yep weve talked about it before,its been like it for years.ive not said anything yet this time as weve just got back and unsure whether to wait till after dd birthday next week and ds1's the week after.but i suppose there will always be something happening to put it off.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 20:37

yes,birthdays loom,christmas,someone gets sick........

how do you think he would feel if you split,is he keen to/not bothered?

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 09/04/2011 20:50

everytime i say it cant go on like this,he promises to change,blames it on anything and everything.longest its lastest is a month i think.
he has an older dd that hes not seen since she was 2(shes now 23)i think he'd worry that he'd lose dc.which wouldnt happen.in the past ive said im only with him for dc but can see now that ,that doesnt work.

OP posts:
hormonesnomore · 09/04/2011 20:56

He sounds as if he's draining all the joy from your life.

How can this be good for you or your DCs? I have experienced this and believe me it is better for your children to be with one happy parent than two miserable ones.

K999 · 09/04/2011 21:01

There's always an excuse never to leave. Take it from me, you can survive (and in my case thrive)....I was married for ten years, knew it was not workimg, woke up one day and realised this and left. Have never looked back...Smile

GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 21:02

me too k999....10 years.....uppped and went,never looked back

GloriaSmut · 09/04/2011 23:59

I was once married to a dismally miserable git. He could drain the joy from even the simplest pleasures and I certainly remember the last hideous fortnight that was our final holiday. In our case to Lake Annecy where we awoke each day to glorious weather and breathtaking scenery that was ruined by his monosyllabic gloom and petty rules. The day that the dcs and I left (he was their stepfather, thankfully, so they never needed to see him again) was the happiest we'd had for nearly 5 years.

So my advice to anyone suffering in a similarly joyless relationship that, regardless of how much work you put into it, never changes would be to get out and get on with your life. Everyone (except your dh who probably relishes the lack of enjoyment he gets from life anyway) will be all the happier for it.

garlicbutter · 10/04/2011 00:42

Oh, god, you've just reminded me of a last-minute March break to Majorca with XH! First day there, we walked along in the surf, sun shining brightly, jolly holidays going on all around us ... him looking like he'd just died. There was a little grey cloud against the spotless blue sky, and it was him.

I went on to marry the insane, miserable, manipulative bastard. Boy, we waste a lot of life on our mistakes, don't we?!

NorksAreMessy · 10/04/2011 01:05

There is clearly something very wrong with this man. MH problem/psychological/troubled childhood.
This really is not normal behaviour and you shouldn't have to deal with it. Is he happy being miserable? Does he look to you to make him happy? Is he trying to make you as cheesed off with the world as he is? I am so sorry you are havin g to deal with this

garlicbutter · 10/04/2011 01:13

I eventually realised X was happiest when he was making me miserable; he worked hard at it. Not to say OP's is the same but he sounds remarkably similar.

I have psychoanalysed X in retrospect: disillusioned mother, manipulative father, he was trying to recreate the only marriage he knew well. People like this don't enhance your life, ergo they fail in their primary purpose as a partner.

And you can't fix them; it's stupid to try although so many of us have thought we could!

WMDinthekitchen · 10/04/2011 04:19

I tried for years to get my XH to discuss/do something about our failing marriage. His standard response was, 'We can fix it,' but he would then not discuss it any further/go for counselling/in fact do anything at all. Having determined to stick it out until the youngest left home in what was then 15 years time, I lasted for three more years. Since then life has brought much joy and some regret - not regret that I ended it but that I have never had a guy in my life since. However, can't have it all and I would rather be without him and on my own than still with him.