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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im finding it incredibly hard not to tell dh to ...

56 replies

cheesesarnie · 09/04/2011 18:55

piss off and move out.
we got back from holiday yesterday-the magic of disney did nothing to him.we barely spoke.its been rubbish for years but im getting to hating stage now.being on holiday in a place that amazing with a stranger that you dont like brings it home how rubbish our relationship is and i feel sorry for dc,they must know things are bad and that its not normal.
he just asked me where car keys are.i said 'where you going?'just wondering as needed something from shops.he said 'out'.thats all i get is one word answers.i had to stop myself from telling him to piss off and find somewhere else to live because dc are sat here.Sad

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 10/04/2011 11:59

His standard response was, 'We can fix it,' - were you married to Bob The Builder???!!

LightsOnComeOnIn · 10/04/2011 12:23

I also ended my marriage after realising the relationship was over, it's tough to start but I love being on my own now, my exh never wanted to do anything, I always had to make the decisions about everything, now we do what we want to do, we can get up and go as we please without having to coax exh into coming with us or waiting until he was ready to go. It's a real sense of freedom.

I've been on my own for just over 2 years now and there has been nobody else, not even a sniff, but i'm fine about it and we are happy, that's gotta count for something xx

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 10/04/2011 14:51

thankyou all for sharing your experiences!

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesesarnie · 10/04/2011 14:53

sorry posted to quickly.i will make an appointment at CAB next week.im staying at my dads next weeek dog sitting with the dc so hopefully will give us both time to see how shit life is together!

OP posts:
DuddleDipper · 11/04/2011 10:20

slightly different angle, but how is he with the children ? My husband has gone from what I thought was "quiet and independent", when he said things like he didn't like parties, to just being irritable and horrible to our children. He spends his whole time trying to busy himself so he doesn't have to "play" with them. They are desperate for his attention and behave in such a way that he then gets more annoyed by them and just snaps and shouts at them. I really wonder sometimes whether we would be better off without him as there is a much better vibe in the house when he is not here. The children do notice, my son at Christmas would not write "love" on the present tag as he wasn't sure if he loved him. It breaks my heart and I want to protect my children.

compo · 11/04/2011 10:34

I know it sounds line a standard mumsnet cliche response

but could he be depressed? Does he hate his job, life in general? Could you persuade him to have a chat with his gp before you ship him out ?
Or try marriage counselling first

DuddleDipper · 11/04/2011 13:59

I had wondered that Compo but he is normally quite content with his lot. He would struggle to admit anything is wrong. He truely believes the only way to get them to do anything is to just yell. I wondered if he needs to go on a parenting course. I've suggested different books but he says "you read them and tell me what they say"

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 11/04/2011 21:48

dud-yep thats how he is with dc.
compo-yes gp said depressed,soon to start a new job after being made redundant a year ago.doesnt seem to get any joy from life.wont go back to gp.cannot afford counselling.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 12/04/2011 02:20

Depression gets blamed for sheer arsiness at least as often as the reverse. Depression says something like "It's a horrible world, everybody hates me and I don't blame them coz I'm crap". Arsiness says something like "It's a horrible world, why can't everybody just fit in with me?"

Cheesesarnie, it's probably worth waiting to see if the new job cheers him up. Please don't let your children grow up walking on eggshells, it will damage them for life (bitter experience.)

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 14/04/2011 17:49

garlic-thanks.thats kind of what i decided.his new job might help and i dont want to make a huge decision in a rush.so we'll see.

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garlicbutter · 14/04/2011 22:18

Oh, good luck. It's going to be a hard wait, I'm guessing ...

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 15/04/2011 11:26

thankyou

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cestlavielife · 15/04/2011 11:43

if he is depressed and even if he isnt - it is all about setting boundaries.

you start deciding what beahviour you prepared to put up with and you amek cahnges and take actions so that you dont suffer his "depression".

eg yelling at kids - not aceptable - you immediately take kids out soemwhere else or you ask him to leave the house go for a walk to calm down.

lots of good stuff on this on the depression fallout site
www.depressionfallout.com/messageboard.php

dont wait hanging on til he gets the job etc - sit and set out specific issues and what you expect to happen so that you and dc dont suffer his angst...

consider cousnelling yourself and ask about strategies too re: boundary setting

Flower1000 · 15/04/2011 11:48

I'm with K999 here, life is simply too short to muck about living with people you don't like.

I stayed with my XH because I thought I had to, for 10 years. Within 6 months of moving out I wondered what on earth I'd been worry about. Living on my own was far FAR nicer, better and more fulfiling than living with my X, wish I'd done it years ago :o my worries about being on my own were small fry in comparison to what I'd been putting myself through.

Your kids will also see the change in you, better they live with one happy parent, than two very unhappy ones.

mamas12 · 15/04/2011 11:57

omg this rang a lot of bells with me.
I too suffered a holiday at Disneyland at New Years and it was miserable for all of us because of him and we could and could not do etc...
When we got back I told him that was the worst holiday I've ever had and do you know what, he was shocked! He didn't even realise, even after me asking him and then telling him to just chill and stop getting stressy and shouty with us all in the end.
AAAAAAAAAAAArgh

It may or may not be depression BUT harsh as this may seem that is his problem and he needs to not let it affect the dcs.
You can support him all the way but yes he needs those boundaries of behaviour.
Hope you work it out.

SueSylvesterforPM · 15/04/2011 12:04

I would tell him to piss off and move out,

he seems to suck out all the joy of your life and reap no consequences.

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 17/04/2011 12:27

thankyou lovely people!will look at that link.i do feel i am 'suffering his depression'.
i worry that dc would hate me if i ended it

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mamas12 · 17/04/2011 22:46

they won't hate you, they're suffering it too.

bibbitybobbityhat · 17/04/2011 22:51

Oh cheesie.

Am so sorry.

But you have posted about how miserable you are before. How long are you going to wait before making the break? Your dc will not blame you so long as you are honest with them and make access easy for your ex.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 17/04/2011 22:57

The DC will hate you more (in the long run) if you stay with him.

You said i feel sorry for dc,they must know things are bad and that its not normal

You need to get them and you out and be HAPPY. Show them that you don't have to stay in a situation that makes you very unhappy. Is the relationship you are currently modeling to them one you would want them to be in?

You aren't making this decision in a rush - it has been coming for years x

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 19/04/2011 08:45

thankyou-all true i know.
got very upset yesterday,my mum visited and wanted to see holiday video.whilst watching it dh said 'mummy did smile occasionally on the holiday'.i asked what he ment,he said i was grumpy all through the holiday!luckily my sister had heard what he'd been like so my mum knew and she'd seen the photos of grumpy arse.she also knows whats hes been like for the past however many years.i said 'i cant believe you thought i was grumpy,it was you' he claims he was quiet not grumpyHmm.i got upset and went outside.had a good chat with my mum though.felt abit sorry for her and dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheesesarnie · 19/04/2011 08:48

oh and later one when i thought no one was about,i said we needed to talk and how everything was so shit that i wanted to talk to CAB.he didnt say a word.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 19/04/2011 08:55

You live in rented accomodation if it is in joint names you will have to take the tenancy over yourself providing of course you can pay for the rent yourself, alternatively you will have to source another rented house for you and the children.

Original poster
cheesesarnie · 19/04/2011 09:10

see this is another problem.i work in the evenings which i wouldnt be able to do if i was on my own.i am looking for a day time job now that all the dc's are at school full time.but everyone else is also looking!

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ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 19/04/2011 09:18

Cheese - you could get an Au Pair in the short term :) or even someone just looking for a room in return for babysitting. Possibly a local nanny.