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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not home! What do I do?

69 replies

sparkleshine · 09/04/2011 05:26

Ok so not sure where to put this and nobody is probably awake but I guess I can try.

'D'P and I are seperating although still living together ATM. It's not easy.

Anyway I've just woken up and found he's not at/been home. No idea where he is or might be. No texts or phone calls, nothing.
For the past few weeks he's been coming back after 10pm anyway 'working late'. No idea if he's telling the truth and strangely finding that I don't care. I'm more pissed off that he's done this, but also worried that somethings happened to him.
He's never done this before, ever.

What do I do? I've got work at 7am and he's supposed to be having DS.

Do I text, phone or wait an hour or so til before I have to go?

OP posts:
lifechanger · 09/04/2011 05:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sparkleshine · 09/04/2011 05:53

Well he is supposed to be dropping him off at my mums mid morning anyway so he can go to 'work'. This has been an almost regular thing for a while. I could ask her to have him a lot earlier.

DS woken up and now in bed with me.

Will text him now

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkleshine · 09/04/2011 06:17

No reply yet

OP posts:
vickylou2004 · 09/04/2011 06:23

Try ringing him. He's either lying in a ditch or being a complete tosser??

Pigglesworth · 09/04/2011 06:25

I would try calling just to put your mind at rest - otherwise you'll be worrying until the minute he walks through the door, and will have no idea when to expect him, if at all. If you manage to get him on the phone at least you can plan your day and stop thinking about him. Very strange behaviour from him though, regardless of your "not amicable" relationship I would be feeling worried too!

I imagine that he has met someone and spontaneously decided to spend the night with them?

Original poster
sparkleshine · 09/04/2011 06:51

Tried ringing again and again. Also texted again. Phoned work now and told them. Phoned mum and dropping DS off.

Not sure what to do or think. Left door unlocked as well all night as I went to bed early and thought he would be back.

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkleshine · 09/04/2011 06:53

Tried ringing again and again. Also texted again. Phoned work now and told them. Phoned mum and dropping DS off.

Not sure what to do or think. Left door unlocked as well all night as I went to bed early and thought he would be back.

OP posts:
candleshoe · 09/04/2011 06:56

What an awful situation for you ... hope it is all OK.

LynetteScavo · 09/04/2011 06:58

This must be so horrid. I bet he is NOT lying in a ditch, but comfortably spent the night in somebody else's bed.

If you are separating, the sooner you can live separately the better, because having to put up with this type of behaviour is very stressful.

oxocube · 09/04/2011 07:36

Very selfish behaviour regardless of the fact you are separating. Its very hard going down the 'living together but not a couple route'. My husband and I did this for months after we decided to get divorced and it is stressful. Neither of us would have dreamed of staying out all night or even coming back late without letting the other know. Its very unfair, especially when children are involved Sad

MadAboutQuavers · 09/04/2011 07:56

This and the "working late" scenarios would definitely point to him meeting someone

This situation isn't good for your health. How long before you move out, or he moves out, OP?

Original poster
sparkleshine · 09/04/2011 08:57

It's been horrible the past couple of months. So sudden as well. I'm supposed to be moving in with my mum with DS. Hopefully soon.

No answer from him yet. I'm worried now. Not at his mums or work or his friends.

OP posts:
PlopPlopPing · 09/04/2011 08:58

Is he back yet?

FlamingoBingo · 09/04/2011 09:04

How worrying for you Sad And how selfish of him if he's totally fine not to care that you'd be worrying about him so much Sad

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 09/04/2011 09:05

"Not sure what to do or think."

Well, regardless of where or who he spent the night with I would be thinking TWAT for shirking his responsibilites towards your child, this does not bode well for the future.

why are you still living together? after last nights I would tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live until you move into your mums.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/04/2011 10:05

He is almost certainly either shagging someone, or passed out on a mate's floor. Go on with your day as though you knew that was going to happen and when he finally shows up, tell him that it's time you separated properly, then he can do what he likes - don't mention being worried or upset, just say that next time, can he let you know in advance that he is not going to be looking after his DC as arranged, so you can sort out childcare.
He almost certainly wants you to be upset and worried (you are supposed to be thinking about him all the time even though he is not your partner any more), take the wind out of his sails by being only mildly inconvenienced.

Deliainthemaking · 09/04/2011 10:07

have you heard from him yet?

what an awful situation

krepsly · 09/04/2011 10:12

Really shitty thing to do do. Whether you're splitting or not it's still awful behaviour from him. I have been in your situation (living together but seperating) and I was constantly driving myself nuts wondering what he was doing knowing full well that I wasn't expected to care but its hard when you're still living together.

Hope it turns out ok but more importantly, I hope you manage to get your living arrangements sorted soon.

loopylou6 · 09/04/2011 10:27

Any news?

Jemma1111 · 09/04/2011 12:04

Sparkleshine, Are you having to move out because it's his house?
Don't assume that you have to go and let him stay there, you have a child together so I think it's best to get advice as to where you stand regarding your rights.
If he's behaving so selfishly and disrespectfully to you like he obviously is then don't make things easy for him!
Also, make sure you lock your door at night and if he's locked out, tough

Original poster
sparkleshine · 09/04/2011 18:51

Hi
Well he turned up. Finally text back about 10 saying he'd been drinking and slept on a friends spare bed. Not sure tbh.
Was furious. Took day off as holiday so spent day with mum and DS. Not seen or spoke since. Though this is the norm these days.

Jemma- no the house/mortgage is in both names. It was just he suggested we go but thinking about it, he's decided almost everything wrt the split (maintainance, money for buying me out etc)

we've not left yet though. Gonna speak to citizens advice. Wanted to keep it amicable but he's not making it easy.

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 09/04/2011 18:55

I think considering you are joint owners and you have a child that you should absolutely not be moving out .. he should. Just because he has suggested you go doesn't mean you have to!

googoomama · 09/04/2011 19:07

Don't move out of the house! He will then hold all the cards. Stay and take advice. If you are the primary carer of your ds, he should go.

Jemma1111 · 09/04/2011 20:11

As the others have said, don't move out!

If he is already with someone else, how would you feel if he decides to move her in in most probably the not too distant future?
That's YOUR home and your DS'S home too so why should you leave?

He may make it look like he is trying to stay amicable with you but he's already proving that he doesn't give a toss, e.g not bothering to turn up so you can work.
Don't be fooled by him as quite often splits do turn messy, if he's willing to turf his child out of his home will he be willing to support him as much as he should I wonder?

My advice: Take the loser for everything you can!Grin

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 09/04/2011 20:23

Again, who the hell cares where he was last night, but why the flying fuck are you moving out of a house that's in your joint names when you are (assuming here) the primary carer of your DC? I mean this in the nicest possible way but you really need to grow a backbone and start working out what is best for you and your child and not just going along with what he wants.