He's not home! What do I do?

[sparkleshine]

Ok so not sure where to put this and nobody is probably awake but I guess I can try.

'D'P and I are seperating although still living together ATM. It's not easy.

Anyway I've just woken up and found he's not at/been home. No idea where he is or might be. No texts or phone calls, nothing.
For the past few weeks he's been coming back after 10pm anyway 'working late'. No idea if he's telling the truth and strangely finding that I don't care. I'm more pissed off that he's done this, but also worried that somethings happened to him.
He's never done this before, ever.

What do I do? I've got work at 7am and he's supposed to be having DS.

Do I text, phone or wait an hour or so til before I have to go?

I know I know....been told all this by people at work and by my friends as well not to move out. I need to grow some balls, just don't want to rock the boat.

I'm working part time although still on an ok wage, but he says I wouldn't be able to afford to live here alone and pay mortgage, shopping and bills etc AND also buy him out of the house...which I don't think I could.
I know I can get some benefits, reduced council tax and maintainance though.

Really do need to think things through don't I???

YOu need proper legal advice about what you might be entitled to in the division of the assets

Do not move out!! Voice of experience here and it's the wrong thing to do.

Have you got a solicitor? You need one now, and a good one at that. I left xh 9 years ago, and I got legally seperated and could then claim benefits to top up my wages. CAB can help you with this, and also to work out if you can afford to stay there. You need to be living as if he's not there, so don't expect him to look after ds while you work.

It's a horrible thing to go through even when you want it, but it's great after.

Thanks. Will definately get help and advice before I move any more stuff out of the house.

Isn't there also a situation where he would not necessarily get the equity in the house until the youngest dc reaches 18? So you wouldn't perhaps have to buy him out.

I know it is tough but he clearly does not have any respect or concern for you seeing as he could jot be bothered to come home so don't not rock the boat to spare his feelings. You stay, he goes. Your DS needs the stability of the family home.

Also, please do not leave doors unlocked at night ... I interpreted your comment that the back door was open for all and sundry to come in, rather than not being double locked.

I had some legal advice a few days ago and was advised that he can't force you to sell the house and the courts wouldn't force it until DC is 18 as housing for you and your children is a priority.

This isn't a matter of revenge or greed, it's a matter of what you are legally entitled to in order to help bring up your children. Just because once upon a time you both wanted what was best for the family unit, when it had both of you in it, does not mean you can trust your soon-to-be-ex to still want the same. Thus, treat whatever he says with a pinch of salt, and find out what your rights are. Armed with these you can negotiate fairly.

It's far too late to worry about rocking the boat when it's already capsized, don't you think?

Dont move out! Get some legal advice.

Sparkleshine, don't listen to your P, he is talking absolute b**cks and he knows it.
He has a duty to help provide a roof over his childs head so you must stay put!
It's concerning how you say that 'you don't want to rock the boat', is he frightening you by being intimidating and that's why you seem to be going along with his suggestions?, if so mention this when you seek advice.

We are all saying the same thing as many of us have been through this probably, as Morefruitloopthanfruitshoot says I don't think he can get you out until your youngest is 18.

If you let him get his own way you will kick yourself for it!. He's probably cheating on you, he's disrespectful, he doesn't care where his own child lives, in short he's a first class pr**ck.

Time to stand up for yourself!

Go get advise ASAP - he is lieing to you. You can stay in the house until your youngest child is 18 and he will have to pay the montage.

DO NOT MOVE OUT.

You dont have to tell him - just see someone and then service him with the devoice papers stating him moves out.

Or when he is out just change the locks. Its your house if he wants to leave the relationship he can ducking well leave your house too.

Dont do it for you do it for your children who have to put up with a selfish father for the rest of their lives. The least you can do is keep your child in his own bed in his own room in his own home.

Get angry woman.

You cannot change the locks so don't bother doing that.

Get legal advice asap! You need to do what's best for you and ds, not dp!

Don't move out. Don't leave doors unlocked, surely he has a key? Tell him that if he is scheduled to look after ds he must be there.

i lived with my ex for 3 months after we decided to separate. It was not easy at all but he never did this....once he said he planned to go out that night and might not come home til the next day - and asked me if that was OK. One other time we had a row that went on until the early hours at which point he stormed out, leaving me shattered, no sleep and a 2.5 year old to look after. But 20 mins after he left he text me to say he was sleeping in his van round the corner and I should call him if i really needed him to come back.

So it is possible for men to behave responsibly in these circumstances which your ex clearly is not doing......it's not easy when a relationship is falling apart, to still be under the same roof. It got much easier when I finally moved out. But our circumstances with regard to that were complicated and the others are right - he should move out, not you.

DO NOT MOVE OUT.

GO AND SEE A SOLICITOR AND GET SOME ADVICE.

CHANGE THE LOCKS AND PUT HIS CLOTHES IN BIN BAGS ON THE FRONT LAWN NEXT TIME HE GOES OUT.

DO NOT MOVE OUT....LEGALLY HE HAS TO PROVIDE A HOME FOR YOUR CHILD TIL AGE 16.

Don't think it would be helpful to change locks/kick him out, probably not legal! Could cause problems for the OP.

After the way he is behaving?

Perfectly acceptable IMO.

ok so how do you get a man to leave the family home?

I dont think changeing the locks is legal but it gets your point across.

Also, keep detailed diary with dates/times etc of unreasonable behaviour e.g. Not turning up to look after DC just in case he tries to describe himself as primary carer or claim 50/50.

Get tough. Sod him.

And just to add my voice to consensus.....

DON'T MOVE OUT.

Why the fuck are you moving out???

Yes but your opinion does not trump the law, OP do not change the locks, do seek legal advice.

You should not move out of the marital home. Get legal advice tomorrow and find out what your rights are! He cant just chuck you out like some worn out sock just because he has himself a new woman waiting to move in!

I used to rely on my exh to help out with the kids while I worked but after many times being let down at the last minute and having to take sick days and emergency holidays I decided enough was enough and if he can't be responsible enough to be on time then I will go elsewhere for childcare which is what I did. As it stands now we have been seperated for just over 2 years and he rarely sees his kids.

If I were you, I would say to him that if he can't be reliable to look after your ds while you work then you will ask someone else who can be relied on, then at least you will know where his priorities lie.

Going through a breakup is so tough so when the man puts up a fight leaving the home it puts a whole other lot of stress on the situation.

xx

Yep get that legal advice and stop letting him make all the decisions.