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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's not home! What do I do?

69 replies

sparkleshine · 09/04/2011 05:26

Ok so not sure where to put this and nobody is probably awake but I guess I can try.

'D'P and I are seperating although still living together ATM. It's not easy.

Anyway I've just woken up and found he's not at/been home. No idea where he is or might be. No texts or phone calls, nothing.
For the past few weeks he's been coming back after 10pm anyway 'working late'. No idea if he's telling the truth and strangely finding that I don't care. I'm more pissed off that he's done this, but also worried that somethings happened to him.
He's never done this before, ever.

What do I do? I've got work at 7am and he's supposed to be having DS.

Do I text, phone or wait an hour or so til before I have to go?

OP posts:
frazzle26 · 10/04/2011 12:47

Change the locks next time he's out and stay put. I'm not saying that in a flippant manner either. It's just as much your house as his and you have your son to think of. What a horrible situation.

TheGrimSweeper · 10/04/2011 13:32

Don't change the locks OP, that's not good advice, and not legal. DO NOT MOVE OUT though - other's are right, you have property rights until youngest child is 18 - this dickhead is taking you for a ride Angry

Original poster
sparkleshine · 10/04/2011 21:00

Hi all

Thankyou everyone for your help and advice. It is only what everyone else has been saying to me. Just need that extra kick.

Been to visit the 'in-laws' today with DS. They are completely baffled and shocked also by his behaviour recently and ths sudden break-up between us. It is not like him at all. We've been together too long for it to end like this but I guess there isn't much I can do about that.
His mum is going to bollock him about Friday night as well. Totally unacceptable.

Anyway...my mum has found out about a local free drop in centre at a solicitors. Apparently they are everywhere...and you can go in and get advice about all sorts. She is going to phone them in the morning and booked an appt.
Phoned my local citizens advice but you have to go in to actually book an appt. Will do this if the soloicitors does not provide what I need.

BTW, This morning I said to him I might not be going....he proceeded to make a list of all the payments I would have to make to live here and how much money I would need to earn to cover it all.....must admit it's more than I thought.
Also, as I work P/T I couldn't afford to remortgage the house if I applied on my own, they wouldn't lend it to me.
Not sure how that works tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkleshine · 10/04/2011 21:02

Won't be changing any locks btw...wouldn't solve anything.....and we've just had new doors put in. Expensive locks with them.

OP posts:
onadietcokebreak · 10/04/2011 21:05

Sparkleshine? How many hours a week do you work? Have you put your earnings into entitledto.com website?

MyLifeIsChaotic · 10/04/2011 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 10/04/2011 21:23

Sparkle, this man will have to contribute financially. He cannot have everything his own way, he is legally obliged to contribute to the upkeep and upbringing of his child and this may well include him paying towardsthe mortgage on the house even though he doesn't live there.. Tell him that you are consulting a solicitor and are not making any plans or agreements until you have done so. He will either sulk and whine that you are being harsh and not trusting him (but he's hardly shown himself to be trustworthy) or he will get angry and insist that he can throw you out of the house and do what he likes - which is bullshit. He may also tell you that he is going to apply for custody of DS. This is also bullshit.

You can't change the locks, though. IF he refuses to leave, he can be legally forced out of the house but it's a slow-ish process unless he is violent and aggressive, in which case you can have him forcibly removed by the police and forbidden from returning.

Original poster
sparkleshine · 10/04/2011 21:25

I work 22 1/2 hours which is 3 days.
I have been on a website to see what I can get, it was linked from the CAB website.
A friend of mine works in the tax office and will go through everything with me to make sure I get what I'm entitled to. Never had benefits before so glad to be getting my taxes back somehow :)

He's not home yet again...text him earlier to ask if he was putting DS to bed and no answer. Why do I bother????

OP posts:
Original poster
sparkleshine · 10/04/2011 21:33

Springchicken - He said he is quite happy to pay me maintainance every week and will also provide things DS will need (nappies, wipes, food, clothes etc) himself for when DS stops here, which will be 2/3 nights per week depending on my work days. The money he will give me for DS is actually good, and more than I would probably need.
I've also cheked on CSA website calculator and the amount is about right for the days he will stay here.

I didn't realise that he may have to also pay the mortgage..hmm

OP posts:
Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 10/04/2011 21:37

Really you are going to rely on this man for childcare?

Jemma1111 · 10/04/2011 23:12

Sparkleshine- This so called partner of yours is seriously taking you for an idiot.

You tell how he didn't come home the other night so therefore you couldn't work, he hasn't come home again tonight and yet you seem to think he will have your ds on a regular basis? , don't kid yourself !

He probably says he'll share custody just so you move out, then the excuses will start as to why he can't have ds when its his turn. He's also trying to keep you sweet by making you think he will give good financial support for your ds. Total and utter bullshit, you will most likely be having to chase him for the maintenance!
Honestly,listen to what everyone is saying for your own good!

AnotherMumOnHere · 10/04/2011 23:43

OP make sure you keep a note of all these 'irregular' hours he is keeping as well as nights he doesnt turn up at all. Even on nights youre not working the next day. Will all help you when/if there is any problems with custody.

malibustac · 11/04/2011 00:01

sparkle he is being ridiculous. He obviously thought you would just roll over and accept his plans. You are entitled to much more than he wants to give. Good luck with the solicitor.

Skifit · 11/04/2011 09:05

Here here Jemma1111

candleshoe · 11/04/2011 09:11

Watch your back and take every possible precaution - assume the worst of your DH at all times - then you may possibly be pleasantly surprised.

If you expect him to be reasonable and helpful and reliable you will probably get taken for a ride and will get repeatedly kicked!

Look after you and DC!

Quattrocento · 11/04/2011 09:14

I'm glad you are going to see a solicitor. Please do reassure us all that you will not move out until you've had full and proper advice.

By itemising all the bills etc your exP is trying to pressurise you into following the course of action which is most beneficial for him. He has his best interests at heart now, rather than yours. You need to realise that and take very good care of yourself.

Qx

amberleaf · 11/04/2011 10:15

Seems like he has checked out what he will be eligable to pay after the split and is trying to pull the wool over your eyes

Truth is you stand to be in the better position.

Hes sneaky, good luck at the solicitors.

kerrymumbles · 11/04/2011 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

malibustac · 11/04/2011 10:23

let us know how you get on sparkle

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