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Original poster

When your child is unpopular at school

57 replies

krepsly · 08/04/2011 18:52

Has anyone any experience of having an "unpopular" child? My 12 year old son loves school and doesn't seem to care that almost everyone dislikes him. He's very academic and "geeky" and a little unorthadox/quirky and the other kids just rip the piss out of him, call him a nerd, gayboy etc. He does have a small group of friends and a few of the older kids like him but in general, the year 7s really dislike him. On his facebook page there are constantly negative comments from people (but to be fair, there are a few good comments too) but he genuinly doesn't care. He loves school, has 100% attendance and actually whinges if I have to take him out for dentist etc. He's involved in a number of school clubs and voluntarily stays back and has even gone in on saturdays to practice with the drama group.

How do I stop caring that he's unpopular though?? if he doesn't care, why should I??? I've just walked to shop with him and a group of kids he knew shouted of him and I heard one say "you fucking geek" in a really nasty way.

I keep thinking when he's older I think he'll be quite popular and I know he's going to get a good job with his brain (he's doing a GCSE at 12 this year) but I just hate hearing/seeing all these negative comments about him Sad

The school say DS is fine, doing great and is popular with the kids that matter but its hard when more people dislike him than actually like him Sad

OP posts:
LoveBeingKnockedUp · 08/04/2011 18:56

The kids like your son are the ones who will do the best out of life. And you are so right if he doesn't care you shouldn't.

madonnawhore · 08/04/2011 18:58

Awww, he sounds amazing. It must be painful for you but it's great that he doesn't seem bothered. Has he ever mentioned it? I mean, he's not just putting on a brave face or anything?

The thing about school is most kids can be fucking assholes, but the window of asshole-ness is actually quite short, only a couple of years. If he's year 7 now, he only has to sit tight for about 18 months before he's home free. By the time he gets to 6th form it sounds like he's going to come into his own and be one of the in crowd.

Don't forget too that boys can be really harsh to each other but mean it in jest. If you're reading nasty things on his fb wall, it might not be meant how it reads IYSWIM? I remember my brother and his friends going through a phase of only insulting each other with swear words - "you fucking prick", etc.

It must be awful for you though.

midnightexpress · 08/04/2011 18:59

It's great that he doesn't care, and that he's doing well. So long as he has a few good friends, bollox to the rest.

I really really hate that aspect of social media. It must put so much pressure on teenagers. They don't even get a break from teh snide comments when they're away from school. Sad

Earlybird · 08/04/2011 19:00

Do you think your son is being bullied? Wondering because if his peers are brazen enough to insult him when you are within earshot, I wonder what happens at other times....

Original poster
krepsly · 08/04/2011 19:06

Thanks guys

I have suggested that he gives facebook a rest but telling a self confessed "geek" to come off facebook is like telling a chef to give up cooking. I used to think he was putting on a front but I honestly don't think he is. He never seems down/snappy/upset etc, he simply deletes any bad comments from his facebook page and carries on as normal. A video has recently appeared of him DANCING in the middle of the school courtyard by himself with a little audience. He'll be ripped to shreds for it - he thought it was funny.

I do see what you mean about boys being quite harsh, I called him once whilst he was at school and in the background there were comments such as "your son's gay!" "your son's been shagging mr *" etc - I was mortified. When DS came home I asked who it was and he said "oh, just a few of my mates being daft". He assures me it was all meant in jest Hmm

TBH, it's the girls that are worse, they're horrible. On the other side of the coin though, most of his friends are female.

OP posts:
Original poster
krepsly · 08/04/2011 19:12

I mean, to be honest he doesn't help himself with the things he does. The dancing for instance was blatenly going to lead to negative comments and he knew that. He allowed the girls to paint his nails in bright red for comic relief (the only boy in the school that did so) which he knew would lead to more gay comments. A few weeks ago someone apparantly said he was "obviously" gay so DS decided to walk around the school flinging his wrist over calling everyone girlfriend!! Yes it's funny to the older kids who think it's brilliant that he "has the balls" to do these things but it alienates him further and further from kids his own age.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 08/04/2011 19:14

Do you think that perhaps, in a perverse sort of way, he is seeking attention?

puffling · 08/04/2011 19:14

It's wonderful that your son has such a positive outlook on life. He sounds as if he'll be fine.
I would keep an eye on the situation tho.' and have a quiet word with the head of year if things get worse.

WillieWaggledagger · 08/04/2011 19:16

it doesn't sound to me like he's unpopular, it sounds like he's being bullied, sorry

from what you say he seems to deal with it but I would be worried tbh

Gooseberrybushes · 08/04/2011 19:16

Hi, can I just say, the people who do best in life are the people who move on, and the people who move on are NOT the kings and queens at school. They just go and get an office job or a bank job nearby and try to carry on their old lives.

Your son will go far!

trulymadlydeeply · 08/04/2011 19:17

My eldest son sounds similar to your DS. I've spent so much energy worrying about him, and have finally realised that he himself isn't worried about the fact that he's quite self contained, quite solitary, unlike many of his peers. I tell myself that I need to stop judging what happiness means to him by MY criteria. I honestly feel that his peers will catch him up at some point, and that like your DS, he'll come into his own at GCSE and beyond, but if he doesn't worry about his social standing, then I need to trust his judgement.

One thing I have recently realised and am trying to come to terms with, is that he doesn't need friends and lots of contact with others outside the family, but he DOES love 1:1 with us - he is so thrilled to spend a bit of time with me or my DH that it makes me want to cry.

He's different - a bit of a closed book to me, tbh, but I can't measure his happiness in my terms, and in his own way he's absolutely happy with himself, and I wonder whether it might be a strength of sorts to go his own way and not need people in the way that I do.

It feels disloyal to question who he is, and I love him so much - he's just different to many of the others in his year group.

It's hard, though ...

xxx

Gooseberrybushes · 08/04/2011 19:19

Just to put it into perspective I was tremendously unpopular and so was my very small group of friends. Not one of us still lives in our home town we've all gone on to have great lives, marry lovely people and have jobs somewhere along the line to make people jealous, and so on. All the people who ignored me are going to the SAME PUB they were going to thirty years ago and are just older and fatter.

Sorry, that's not v nice, I'm sure they're very happy. But it's not what I'd want.

Ingles2 · 08/04/2011 19:22

your son sounds fab!
That said, he does sound to me like he is being bullied and has developed an attention seeking persona to deal with it all.
There's no way on earth, I could repeatedly hear my son called gay, fucking geek or fucking prick on a regular basis without talking to someone about it.
I don't care if it's in jest, with a malicious undertone, it's not on.
Make an appt to see his head of year with evidence after half term.

carlywurly · 08/04/2011 19:30

My ds is very similar (but younger) and although he's undiagnosed, I'm sure he has a mild touch of Asperger's.

Far from being a negative thing, I think it actually makes him a really lovely person -he's sweet, guileless, honest, funny and very happy in his own company, and doing his own thing. He seems oblivious to how popular/unpopular he is, and generally he is liked.

I think secondary school age has to be the hardest if you're in any way quirky or different, there's such pressure to "fit in", but once your ds finds his circle of friends, and is eventually able to leave and start work, I bet he finds his niche and is really popular for being exactly who he is. This happened to me a bit too, I was never in the in crowd at school because I worked hard and got good results, but was really popular at work for exactly that reason.. Hmm

He sounds lovely btw!

budgieshell · 08/04/2011 19:45

What ever your son is going through (being bullied, Being a nerd or just being different) he is dealing with it in the best way possible. You should be proud of him for another talent, coping with the idiots he will meet in life.

You have done an excellent job, but as a mother you will always find something to worry about.

Original poster
krepsly · 08/04/2011 20:29

Thanks for the kind comments x

The thing is, if he was being bullied would he really want to be at school every day? would he really want to be there when he doesn't actually NEED to be there? I have asked him if anyone is really bothering him and he says no. A few people give him more stick than others but he tells me he genuinly is happy at the school and he's "used to it" and he doesn't care because he'll be laughing when he's earning 3 times the amount they are.

And yes he is very attention seeking, he admits that himself. He loves being the centre of attention, hence why he does the drama club and was in rock challenge and can't wait to be up on stage in front of everyone etc. The other day he was in a math class and the teacher happened to unintentionally quote a line from a green day song and DS sprung into life and started singing and "rocking out" to Green Day by himself in a class full of pupils. When he stopped the whole class clapped and made a fuss. Obviously I don't encourage class disruption and usually he's a very sensible and mature kid, sometimes he just can't help but do something to draw attention to himself. He does it at weddings, parties, anywhere. He always wants to be the centre of attention.

I have wondered more than once if aspergers could be a factor in all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
krepsly · 08/04/2011 20:30

another thing is that he does have a kind of social life, he goes into town with friends now and again, has been to the cinema a couple of times, is always texting and calling people, even has a girlfriend but the negative comments he attracts are so bloody mean :(

OP posts:
Original poster
krepsly · 08/04/2011 20:32

His older cousin is at the same school and she's told me she used to stick up for him but she stopped because he brings it all on himself. It's not the first time I've heard this but its so hard.

OP posts:
newgirl · 08/04/2011 20:37

Am I being naive in thinking school should school to help?

uniquegeek · 08/04/2011 20:48

Your son sounds lovely and like a bit of a joker with the wavy hand girlfriend thing. If the others can't see how lovely he is then it's THEIR loss.

2babyblues · 08/04/2011 20:49

I'm not really sure he sounds that unpopular. He sounds like he knows what he likes and who he likes and gets on with it. It is great that he is so strong and (seems to) ignore the negative comments but I would still tackle the school about it as it is unacceptable to call your son things like that. Like others have said he sounds like he will be very successful in later life.

I worry about my son too, though he is only 6. He show traits of apspergers too.

toddlerama · 08/04/2011 20:51

He sounds like he enjoys being different. The price may be negative comments, but if he minded he would blend in wouldn't he? I had some friends at school who sound just like your son (Performing Arts school) and they really revelled in the negative attention as well as the positive. I think the tabloids have a lot to answer for - there's no such thing as bad press! Of course, it can be incredibly hurtful and watch out for signs that he is becoming ground down by it. But it sounds like he enjoys the notoriety and it is his right to carve a niche for himself as he chooses. I'd be far more concerned about him if he was the one making the vicious put downs. Hope I'm not being flippant here, just sounds like something familiar. I may be completely wrong, so don't assume it's all fine just because he says it is.

fluffles · 08/04/2011 20:56

it doesn't sound to me like he's 'unpopular' - it sounds like he's a bit controversial and that while many of his own peers are threatened by it, many more probably think it's fine.

if he's really not bothered then you should be proud.

ime. kids who are bullied usually try to make themselves invisible and become a shadow of themselves, your son is anything but.

googoomama · 08/04/2011 20:57

Your son sounds great and I totally agree that the ones who are popular at school are not always the people who go places later in life! As a Year 7 teacher, I find the comments that some kids are making very extreme, though, epsecially when they are making them in front of you on the street. Did you say anything to them? Not that that would have made it any better I guess. I also think that you should inform the head about mobile phones being used to film pupils in the school grounds and this ending up on facebook. There are now extremely stringent "e-safety" rules that all schools have to follow and filming in school in definitely against them! (I realise too that this is not always possible to police but if you know that a video of your son has appeared on fb and it was filmed in school, the head should know about it). He sounds fine though. Sound like he treats these other kids with the respect they deserve! Godo on him.

YouaretooniceNOT · 08/04/2011 21:03

Didn't Bill Gates also receive this kind of treatment at school/outside school too? Keep his confidence high, maybe he might be interested in an afterschool club, sports etc? Don't worry as when he is rich via hardwork the wasters will wish they had been geeky too