When your child is unpopular at school

[krepsly]

Has anyone any experience of having an "unpopular" child? My 12 year old son loves school and doesn't seem to care that almost everyone dislikes him. He's very academic and "geeky" and a little unorthadox/quirky and the other kids just rip the piss out of him, call him a nerd, gayboy etc. He does have a small group of friends and a few of the older kids like him but in general, the year 7s really dislike him. On his facebook page there are constantly negative comments from people (but to be fair, there are a few good comments too) but he genuinly doesn't care. He loves school, has 100% attendance and actually whinges if I have to take him out for dentist etc. He's involved in a number of school clubs and voluntarily stays back and has even gone in on saturdays to practice with the drama group.

How do I stop caring that he's unpopular though?? if he doesn't care, why should I??? I've just walked to shop with him and a group of kids he knew shouted of him and I heard one say "you fucking geek" in a really nasty way.

I keep thinking when he's older I think he'll be quite popular and I know he's going to get a good job with his brain (he's doing a GCSE at 12 this year) but I just hate hearing/seeing all these negative comments about him

The school say DS is fine, doing great and is popular with the kids that matter but its hard when more people dislike him than actually like him

He really sounds as though he's an interesting, individual boy who is going places. He'll probably end up being a famous actor or something! As long as he's happy and unbothered, I'd really try not to worry. I absolutely know how hard this is though.

I think I'd report the bullying and any homophobic insults, that does need dealing with. And be proud that your ds is who he is, not some follow-the-crowd bully.

Hmm he sounds happy and well adjusted to be honest I wouldn't worry. Year 7s are horrible to each other.
My ds also 12 has no real friends at school, I think because he is so painfully shy he appears standoffish. He takes all comments absolutely seriously-so if someone calls him ugly or fishface he thinks it's true

Thanks everyone, I'll try not to worry. I honestly do not think he's being bullied but I think I will mention the homophobic comments to the school after easter. I'm very proud of him and I'm glad he's an individual and he "has the guts" to be himself and not care what other people think. I tell him all the time how cool he is and how proud I am of him and I make him promise me that he'll never change. I also make sure he knows that homophobes suffer very limited intelligence and the majority of Britain have the brains to know there is nothing wrong with being gay lol

Krepsly

You need to rejoice in having a child that, at such an awkward age, is actually OK in his own skin. He has his own identity, how refreshing that is:) The kids who dislike him are afraid of him as he's seen to be "different" and that is just not acceptable at this age. Fear not for your son, praise his imagination and courage, you are very lucky...

My partner was bullied at school (he had some good friends there, but was bullied by some boys at an all-boys school - most of the boys were bullied at some point, but I think my partner would have been bullied more than many, as an ex-pat quirky British boy). He has an excellent sense of humour and has said that he developed it through being bullied - using humour and wit to respond to bullies, which often left them with nothing to say back. Once he was being bullied by a group of boys who said he was gay, and so he exaggeratedly pretended for a while that he had a big crush on one of those bullies. Sounds exactly like the strategy used by your son. At that age some of the kids would have thought it was weird and "freakish", some would have thought it was brave and funny. It stopped the bullies though, they found it embarrassing. My partner went on to excel at school (highest-achieving student in the school), excel at life afterwards, and now is a high-ranking manager of a large government organisation earning an excellent salary.

From my own experience a lot of the "popular kids" and "bullies" from school end up stuck in that period, trying to perpetuate their high school days, don't get very far in life, have poor people skills, and basically have nothing to envy! The less popular/ more quirky kids generally become interesting, friendly/ accepting, and motivated adults. Like someone else said, your son doesn't sound "unpopular", he sounds "controversial". He also sounds very resilient and like he doesn't let the other kids' comments get to him, he is unique and interesting and funny and intelligent and will probably do well in life - just like he has said! I'd much rather have a son like yours than a vapid, popular "jock"! Just keep loving and supporting him...

is he unpopular though? it sounds like there are a group, who due to thier own poor qualities are being harsh to others and i bet you ds is not the only one. sounds like water off a ducks back to your ds, probably because he has his friends and couldnt careless what anyone else thinks.

good for him, you will find 10 years after leaving school your succesfull son and his friends will still not care for these unsuccesfull low lifes.

Would you actually want your ds to be popular with those cretins? I'd take it as a mark of good judgement. You could take it up with the school, but not sure what good it would do tbh, I have no experience of secondary schools.

There are groups of teenagers that hang around the shops near me abusing random pedestrians/other children, they are obviously just unpleasant human beings. Your Ds seems to be coping well,he has friends and interests, just monitor the situation.

I don't think any school or indeed work environment is free from bullying, it's shit, but I'm sure by the time college or sixth form comes a lot of the aforementioned cretins will have been filtered out.

Your description of you DS really made me smile he sound brill. I only wish more people could have his confidence not to care, me included.

He sounds great. It is not always a helpful term but he sounds like a classic definition of a gifted child, which means he can see through all the playground bullshit and has to wait until the others start thinking like adults too.
The most important thing is that being a bit isolated is not affecting his mood and he is finding ways to enjoy the years that for kids like him are often a bit of a wasteland.
Loo

Delete Loo...

I think he sounds wonderful and has high self esteem which is all important. He knows he is great the others sound a bit jealous to me. A lot of successful people in the public eye have people who dislike them and criticise them.
My ds seems to be popular but he is sensitive and can lack self esteem sometimes. I often tell him to try and do his own thing, not be such a sheep.
It sounds like your son already knows what others take a lifetime to learn.

It sounds like he's doing exactly what he needs to do, taking the power away from the idiots by just not caring. Well done that boy!

I used to teach at a school that did a big end of term talent show. One year a Year 8 boy, who sounds a bit similar to your son, got up and performed 'Spinning around' by Kylie with a full dance routine. One horrible boy was secretly filming it and put it on YouTube with some nasty comments, expecting everyone to agree with him. It was deluged with positive comments, from our students and complete strangers, saying how great the performance was and how much they admired the kid. Not only did the horrible kid look like a prize idiot, he was suspended for filming in school. Made me very happy, that!

And I agree with the poster who said that the school need to know about phones being used to film in school and the clips being put on facebook. Schools take that very very seriously.

I have on occasion airily said 'I'm sure I read somewhere that people who make homophobic comments are more likely to be trying to cover up their own homosexuality' when I've got sick of listening to the comments. It almost makes an idiotic 14 year old's head implode .

Your boy sounds great. Those idiots obviously have no idea what to make of him because he's not trying to fit in with them.

I just realised how many times I've used the word 'idiot' in this post!

He sounds a great DS and you should be proud. He is secure in himself and won't be easily led. He has true friends and will probably do well in life.
I was similar, have always had a few good friends and I can honestly say that I have never wanted to be part of the 'in crowd' anywhere-the out crowd is always far more interesting! The only time to worry is if he is isolated and worried.

Thanks for all the messages last night, it really helped me see this in a positive light. DS posted this on his facebook page last night:

"Yes I do drama, yes I did rock challenge, yes my hair is long and messy, yes I sing randomly at school and yes I perform my dancing during break, yes I talk funny and yes I'd rather be practicing software coding than "larking out" but you know what? I'd rather be like that than be anything like you."

Within an hour it had three people "like" it and 6 supporting comments. I asked him from that again if anyone is bothering him and why did he post it, he said it was in response to someone sending him a message saying wierdo. I told him "Wierd is just another word for interesting" and he said "yep, just like nerd is another word for clever" I've also suggested that people who spend a lot of time questioning others' sexuality tend to have a few insecurities in that area - he agrees and said that's why he doesn't mind acting a bit camp and going along with the girly boy thing - he knows he's not gay, he doesn't have to prove it by acting "tough and manly".

I suppose it's just difficult for me as his mum to see how anyone could NOT like him, he's funny, he's cute, he's always there if anyone has a problem or wants to talk. In IT yesterday he finished his work 45 minutes early and the teacher said he could go for an early break. He told her he'd rather stay and help those that were struggling - these are the same kids that would later be calling him a freak and a faggit etc! it makes me so angry but he just doesn't seem to care.

I love people like your son. They are the ones who make the difference to this world for the better. Be strong!

He sounds absolutely wonderful! I appreciate that as his mum you worry, but I wonder if you are maybe projecting a tiny bit. Were you bullied for being 'different' and did you develop a coping strategy of desperate appeasement? Your DS is dealing brilliantly with the bullies by insisting on being himself and treating them with the indifference they deserve. There is no better strategy for dealing with someone who is trying to hurt you than simply refusing to give a toss about them.

I guess that could be a bit of it SpringChicken, I wasn't bullied as such at school but I was disliked and isolated. I never fitted in but I TRIED DESPERATELY. I guess this is why I find it difficult to understand that DS doesn't care, because I did.

He sounds fabulous: bright and self sufficient with his own interests and his own mind. He is going to be an amazing man, that's for sure (and all those sneering little 'cool' kids will probably be working in the local MaccyDees .

But the swearing and name calling isn't acceptable. You could always have a quiet word with his form tutor / the Headteacher if you think it isn't being dealt with properly at school? He shouldn't have to endure being called 'gayboy' and the like.

Fwiw, anecdotal evidence from when I was at school (in the 90s, so not that long ago )...the three 'coolest' boys are now a) in prison (two of them) b) haggard, unemployed father of about 7 six kids to 4 different women and (right charmer, he is). The two 'geek/freaks'? One went to Cambridge and is now a successful writer and married to another successful writer, and the other works for the UN and is married to a gorgeous Russian ballerina and has adorable kids

It means that although you had your problems krepsly you have done a great job of parenting. In the end someone who is secure enough to be different is respected, sadly those who try to fit in never make it.

Krepsly, I can see why having to listen to those idiotic remarks is upsetting for you, but honestly, your son sounds so cool!

As to those morons who post hurtful comments etc, remember that the average teenage clone whose dream is to be on Britain's got talent, finds it very threatening when their peers chose a different way. Perverse as it may sound, there may be an extent to which your son revels in this 'hatred', as by this behaviour they are demonstrating their inferiority. However, I think it is totally unacceptable to post or shout homophobic comments at anyone and the school should take action on this.

Don't worry about the future. 'Nerds' usually have the last laugh.

Your son sounds awesome. The kids who take the piss will be under achievers and chavs. Your son is intelligent enough to know they are losers. With the level of intellect and strong sense of self that he is demonstrating now, he will go far in life. Thick kids will always hate on those they deem to be geeks. I'd rather be a geek than a useless chav!

krepsly - your boy sounds great. much better to be your own person rather than follow the crowd. my lovely dd receives similar treatment from some of her lovely classmates - ugly, stupid, geek etc. she is a polite, pretty and reserved girl who has more talent in her little finger than the name callers have in their whole bodies. She will come out on top and mark my words, so will your son. It used to hurt me but my dd doesnt rate their opinions so why should I? Be who you are and be proud & be damned all the namecallers I say.

Krepsley... Your son sounds as if he has an incredibly strong internal frame reference. He seems to know exactly how he is perceived but he has a good enough opinion of himself not to take the views of others on board.

Do you think that it's possible that his classmates may think him a little arrogant, perhaps? It's quite unusual that a child of his age is seemingly uncaring of whether he 'fits in' or not?

My only concern, if it were my son, would be that a stray 'straw could break the camel's back'. Your sons 'exceptional-ness' and your being somewhat in awe of it might be the thing that is keeping him going, he sounds as if he's revelling in being different.

In the workplace, a little eccentricity can take you far but, being unaware or unwilling to fit in can really mark you out and hold you back.

Have you spoken with his teacher(s) to get their thoughts?