Unrequited love/obsession, either way it hurts like hell. Anyone else been here?

[MilkandWine]

New to the forum so hello all.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting really because theres nothing anyone can do to help I would imagine (apart from give me a cyberspace slap) but I thought it might help to write it down.

Basically for nearly 5 years now I have been head over heels for a guy in my hometown. I've known him since he was 18 but I only got to really know him better when he was briefly going out with a friend of mine. Up until then I hadn't been attracted to him at all but I found myself falling harder than I ever have before for anyone in my life, my feelings were that strong I was actually scared of them!. It was a messy situation as he had just spilt up with his LT girlfriend at the time he was seeing my friend. Basically his GF had fallen pregnant and I think he was running scared (he was barely 21 at the time). They sorted it out though and got back together shortly afterwards. I was utterly utterly gutted but I'm not the sort to make trouble for people (and after all he was never mine anyway). So I thought I would sit tight on my feelings and they would go away (as any sane persons should surely?)

Well I sat and sat and sat and it got NO better! It was getting to the point where I was literally tired of feeling the way I did. I tried everything to stop obsessing, even went on anti depressents to try and get a handle on it.

Then a year later a met my current boyfriend and for a while my feelings went away (as in I didn't think about him as much, however I still felt like vomiting whenever I saw him). That only lasted for a while though and before long I was back to thinking of him constantly and went back on anti depressents to try and block it out again.

Things between me and my Boyfriend are really bad at the minute and I'm just so low and sad and upset. I feel as if my life has been taken over by thinking about this other guy and pining for him. I literally think about him all day long, I try to distract myself with friends, hobbies, reading, exercise, all the things people tell you to and then 10 seconds later he crawls back into my brain.
To make it even worse he is now in a band who are quite sucessful so his face is always all over the local music papers etc (I'm really into music and bias aside his band are really good!). I just literally can't escape from him! I'm even considering applying for a job in another part of the country so I can get away from it. It is making me that profoundly unhappy, I feel my life will never really have any meaning without this guy in it which I know is bollocks really but how do I make my bloody heart tell my head to sort itself out?.

I already know I'm pathetic so please nobody tell me again because I'm already aware of how sad, deluded and shameful my behaviour is. I just want to know if anyone on here has ever been in a similar situation and if so how the hell did you get over it? I just want to forget about him, I know it is unhealthy and is ruining a good part of my life. Plus I feel like such a bad person for being mentally unfaithful to my BF about 100 times a day!

i think you need to get some counselling. do you talk to friends about this?

Has he ever reciprocated your interest, or flirted with you?

Imagine him doing a big poo on the toilet.
His bad breath, he doesn't wash for days on end, crusty socks etc.
I really don't know, I do sympathise slightly as I am prone to crushes, but I enjoy mine, they provide a little bit of escapism from day to day drudgery, you need to work out why it has taken over your life so much.
Is there any way that you could get to know him, I guarantee that what you have built him up as will most definetly not be what he is like in real life, in fact I bet you would be 'cured' within 5 minutes!

Piratecat-Yes I have spoken to my 2 best friends and they both have the epically bad suggestion that I should tell him how I feel. I really can't imagine anything worse as when he turns round and says 'Well that's flattering but I don't feel the same', I actually think I would do something stupid to myself, I couldn't handle it, it scares me just thinking about it. Also we have mutual friends/aquaintences (one of whom is best friends with his girlfriend) and I don't want them thinking I'm a man stealing bitch! I would never try and steal another girls boyfriend.

It is very hard to say if he is interested in me, When my boyfriend first met him he thought he was my Ex because of the way he was acting around me, I was really taken aback by that! He has also in the past mentioned remembering nights we spent together when he was going out with my friend etc. There was one night in particular that was very dear to me and last year he brought it up in a conversation with me 'Do you remember such and such a night? because I do, I can't talk to anyone the way I can talk to you'. He's quite shy and geeky though and not forthright at all (which melts my heart even more as I'm a sucker for a geek). I only see him now though when his band play (my BF is always there with me) and last few times he hasen't come over and spoken, just stared at me. In fact on the last occasion he walked past where we were standing 3 times in a row and I looked the other way cos I was that terrified he wouldn't be looking at me that I rejected him first! Utterly pathetic of me!

Lookingfoxy- Ha ha believe you me I have tried all your suggestions and more! They just don't work. I am totally aware that in RL he is probably as annoying as most men and I've told myself that over and over and over, it makes no difference! Theres not much chance of me getting to know him better, he's mostly off touring with his band ect. Plus theres the small problem of the fact I can barely put a sentence together when he's around! I wish I could enjoy my crush, I really do.

Maybye I do need counselling? I should add I'm not a young bit stuff, I'm 32! old enough to know much better. If I don't get a handle on this I can see myself pining away for the next 5 years as well, it's not a cheerful thought.

Oh dear I am a hopeless romantic and it does sound like he is fond of you. You have to be brave write him a letter telling him how you feel. If he is not interested at least you will know and be more able to move on. I think it can be nice to like people from a distance sometimes I feel like that about a well known singer !

Kerstina-I am a hopeless romantic as well as is my crush judging by the lyrics he writes for his band, all about unrequited love and longing and not getting the girl you want etc. Doesn't really help me trying to harden my heart whilst I'm swooning like a 15 year old schoolgirl blushes and realised what a sadcase I am

One of my friends actually suggested writing him a letter but oh god I dunno, I couldn't take the rejection. She said it would be criminal to go through my life feeling like this about someone and never telling them. But some things are just never meant to be maybye and I just need to get back to reality and cope with it the best I can?

No, not a letter! A letter's there in black and white in his hand. No text or email either.

If you want to confess your feelings, do it face to face, preferably with a drink in your hand so you can pretend you were pissed afterwards if he rejects you (don't actually be drunk in case you can't remember what happens after you say it!).

Yes do it ! I think he probably is attracted to you as we rarely fall that hard for people who don't like us . You should trust your instincts. Do we like the same singer ? Inbox me !

Um, can we just clear one point up? Is he still with the mother of his child? This could make quite a difference to the advice...

Think you should ditch the unsatisfactory bf regardless, though. If you aren't happy with him the chances are he's not totally happy with you.

Errr, no, don't do it, isn't he with his girlfriend and they have a child together?

I sympathise, I really do. I'm sorry for the way you feel, you come across as a nice, and self-aware, person. But you jus have to leave it, until a) either of you move away, b) you find someone else who really does knock you off your feet, or c) he becomes available again.

Please don't encourage him to leave his family. That would be a shitty thing to do, and so far the only one hurting is yourself. It sucks, but is far better than the alternative, in which the two if you destroy a family in order to be together, the infatuation and excitement fades, and it turns out not to be all that after all.

Anniegetyourgun-Yes that is an excellent point and believe you me I fully take it on board, yes he is still with her (although not happily but that us by the by) That's why I am so reluctant to do anything about it, apart from my own hopes being dashed potentially I'm not in the habit of trying to ruin other peoples lives.

My BF and I aren't happy at the moment, I'm seriously considering leaving him and just being on my own. Theres no point in me being with anyone, I can never get this guy out of my head and I end up utterly crippled with guilt about it. Which hardly makes for a happy or stable relationship.

Could you move? Stop going to see his band? Drastic, but then so is being on ADs :(

Oh if he's got a gf and they have a child together, you need to rein it in and get your head on straight. Stop going to his gigs, for a start.

Seachange-I am thinking of moving, been going to job interviews down south so if I get offered one I will seriously think about taking it.

Trouble with not seeing his band is my BF really likes them too and is always wanting to go and see them. He wanted to go at xmas to a gig and I made up all sorts of excuses not to go and he moaned until I did! If only he knew my real bloody reasons for not wanting to go. I even really upset the drummer last year (I've known him years) as he organsied a suprise house birthday party for his wife and invited me and I didn't go cos I knew it would be offically worse idea ever as me, this guy and intimate setting would NOT have been a good mix!
Maybye I will just move away, Perhaps London isin't far enough though? I'm thinking outer mongolia or maybye Neptune at this point.

Split up with your boyfriend, stop going to this guy's gigs and move on.

Right well your posts have made me resolve not to go to anymore of their gigs (it's a shame though as bias not counting I love the band). It is too painful seeing him, even though it's incredibly painful NOT seeing him as well. They are playing at end of month and BF was asking if I could get us on the guest list (which I could) But I'm going to tell him I'm not going and just think up an excuse.
I suppose I just need to go totally cold turkey and forget about him as best I can. Not that it will work but I'm not a home wrecker so I guess I will just have to suck it up.

Good for you MilkandWine :)

Just my personal belief, but am sure your desire to do the "right thing" will be rewarded :)

Good luck.

It sounds like there's no future with your boyfriend though.
I think you're better on your own until you sort yourself out.
It's such a sad story this as it does sound as if he might have almost been your soul mate.

soory its happening

its the cruellest feeling i havebt been her since i was like 15

one post said imagine him doing everday unglamorous things good advice lol

Seachange- I would like to think you are right about being rewarded for doing the right thing. Sometimes though I have a horrible feeling life doesn't work out like that.

Willdo- Oh god what you've just typed has made me cry (not saying that to make you feel bad btw,I'm an emotional wreck over this so tears are pretty near the surface). It's just so touching to see someone say something kind rather than the 'pull yourself together advice' my friends are giving me, which well intentioned though it is only makes me feel more useless at my inability to pull myself together. Thank you

I think you have been driven almost mad by this. It's not love, of course, because you don't know enough about him. And, by the way, millions of songs are about unrequited love, you know that, and one reason is that they become very popular songs as so many people have someone they secretly yearn for. If he's a good singer, it will sound as though he's singing to you. Probably half the audience there thinks he's singing to them.

I think you need to end the relationship with your current boyfriend. It's not fair to him and it's doing nothing for you.

In your position I would go off and have an adventure. I wouldn't stay within England as you'll just keep up this obsession. Why don't you give yourself a couple of years off and go travelling. Save up and go to Australia - Melbourne is amazing - you'll meet loads of new people and have a lot of fun. Don't go online for the whole time you're away. Get yourself a non-internet phone that'll work over there and a camera and make a vow (and keep it) that you won't use any other technology whilst you're there. After a couple of years you really won't remember him.

At the moment, your memory bank is full of memories of him. You need it to become full of other memories and the only way to do this is to create new memories.

Your friends are not acting as friends by advising you to tell a man with a family that you are in love with him when you hardly know him. There are only two options available with this - total humiliation or the break up of a family. They should be telling you to move away from him.

Oh and if you have ever hankered after writing a novel, when the two years is up, write about it all. It would make a pretty good book. Don't, though, write it now or else it will be Mills and Boon.

Willdo, you can't possibly know he could have been her soul mate! She hardly knows the man! That is just encouraging her in her madness - she needs to let go of it, not be given reasons for hanging on to it.

Been there, twice. It's horrible, it goes away with time but it is an obsession and you need to stop feeding it. If things are bad with your current BF then it is also a coping strategy to fill yourself full of 'what if' fantasies with this other man. But if he has a child with someone else and is in a relationship with her, then it really doesn't matter if he's attracted to you or not.

You sound really sussed about this actually, and I am very impressed with how rationally you are approaching this and how much you are able to set aside those overwhelming feelings and think it through. I know it is incredibly hard when your feelings are so strong and everything in our culture tells us this 'should' mean something. But I think what your feelings are telling you is that there is a gap in your life now which needs to be filled with love and affection and nice things, because of the crush you have then you are fixating on this as the way to escape. But the way to escape is through doing lots of nice things for yourself, and filling yourself up with love and affection in healthy ways, from yourself, from your friends, from your family and the people who love you; and getting rid of the people in your life who are sucking out that love and affection and leaving that empty hole which is gnawing at you.

Worth thinking about seeking out a counsellor who has experience with OCD if it gets to the stage it is affecting your daily functioning.

Are you quite young? I don't ask to be patronising but I went through something a bit similar when I was in my early twenties. Oddly the guy I was 'in love with' was a musician too.

He was crap boyfriend material - commitment phobe, womaniser, drug user, tendencies towards violence, etc. But, probably due to his rock and roll lifestyle with no commitments, money for nothing, lots of travelling the world on tour, sleeping til 3pm every day; and because he was (and still is) one of the cleverest people I've ever met, I was completely in his thrall.

When I really drilled down into why I felt so strongly for him I realised that I didn't actually want to be with him. Being with him would have been a complete disaster. What I actually wanted was to be like him.

I was at uni at the time, thinking about my career, internships, interviews, etc. His 'fuck everything' lifestyle, plus his innate talent and intellect meant that I hero worshipped him.

As soon as I figured that out I started to get over it. I made changes in my own life that meant I didn't feel as trapped by parental/employer expectations and my obsession dissolved into nothing.

Do you think maybe he represents some thing or some quality you admire and would like to have more of in yourself? Are you projecting some need or desire onto him? They seem like quite intense feelings to have for someone you've never been especially intimate with.

She's 32, Madonna.

MilkandWine.

Is he happy with his partner?

I think you need to find out how he feels about you and her. I think if he feels the same about you then maybe you have something but if he doesnt want to leave his partner then move on, don't start anything with him it will cause you upset and you'll want things from him that he can't give you. X