Unrequited love/obsession, either way it hurts like hell. Anyone else been here?

[MilkandWine]

New to the forum so hello all.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting really because theres nothing anyone can do to help I would imagine (apart from give me a cyberspace slap) but I thought it might help to write it down.

Basically for nearly 5 years now I have been head over heels for a guy in my hometown. I've known him since he was 18 but I only got to really know him better when he was briefly going out with a friend of mine. Up until then I hadn't been attracted to him at all but I found myself falling harder than I ever have before for anyone in my life, my feelings were that strong I was actually scared of them!. It was a messy situation as he had just spilt up with his LT girlfriend at the time he was seeing my friend. Basically his GF had fallen pregnant and I think he was running scared (he was barely 21 at the time). They sorted it out though and got back together shortly afterwards. I was utterly utterly gutted but I'm not the sort to make trouble for people (and after all he was never mine anyway). So I thought I would sit tight on my feelings and they would go away (as any sane persons should surely?)

Well I sat and sat and sat and it got NO better! It was getting to the point where I was literally tired of feeling the way I did. I tried everything to stop obsessing, even went on anti depressents to try and get a handle on it.

Then a year later a met my current boyfriend and for a while my feelings went away (as in I didn't think about him as much, however I still felt like vomiting whenever I saw him). That only lasted for a while though and before long I was back to thinking of him constantly and went back on anti depressents to try and block it out again.

Things between me and my Boyfriend are really bad at the minute and I'm just so low and sad and upset. I feel as if my life has been taken over by thinking about this other guy and pining for him. I literally think about him all day long, I try to distract myself with friends, hobbies, reading, exercise, all the things people tell you to and then 10 seconds later he crawls back into my brain.
To make it even worse he is now in a band who are quite sucessful so his face is always all over the local music papers etc (I'm really into music and bias aside his band are really good!). I just literally can't escape from him! I'm even considering applying for a job in another part of the country so I can get away from it. It is making me that profoundly unhappy, I feel my life will never really have any meaning without this guy in it which I know is bollocks really but how do I make my bloody heart tell my head to sort itself out?.

I already know I'm pathetic so please nobody tell me again because I'm already aware of how sad, deluded and shameful my behaviour is. I just want to know if anyone on here has ever been in a similar situation and if so how the hell did you get over it? I just want to forget about him, I know it is unhealthy and is ruining a good part of my life. Plus I feel like such a bad person for being mentally unfaithful to my BF about 100 times a day!

Madonnawhore-I'm 32! far too old to be acting like this and I fully realise it blushes with intense shame. The trouble is when I fell head over heels for him 5 years ago he wasen't in a band at all, he was just going out with my friend for a short time. I had known him vaugely for 4 years before that, since he was a really geeky 18 year old and I didn't look at him twice until he started seeing my friend. I didn't fall for him for his looks or cos he was 'In an band'. I fell for his sweet, funny and quirky personality and ever since I have just utterly adored him. I don't know how my feelings can be so intense either, it is utterly mental. All I know is just the sight of him literally fills me with total happiness like nothing else I've ever felt. Maybye I am projecting but if so why would I still feel that way even when things were going really well with me and my BF. It isin't a physical thing either, my BF is really lovely looking, most people would probably say much better looking than my crush.

If anything I wish he wasen't in a band, it makes it worse for me because the local papers are full of them, BF always mentions them etc. I'm thrilled he's doing so well but a selfish part almost wishes he wasen't. How can I forget him when he's bloody everywhere? I went out with a friend for a drink last week, sat down at the table we chose in the bar and there was a picture of the sodding band on the wall! If that isin't fate mocking me I don't know what it.

Systemsaddict- I think I am quite 'sorted' in how I feel, I still have a grasp of 'Right from wrong' regarding the situation. I know what you mean when you talk about a gap in my life, I have always felt there was something 'Missing', like I'm not a complete human being. Trouble is even when me and my BF were really happy I was still always thinking about this guy and then beating myself up for being a 'bad' person for having such thoughts. Maybye I should seriously consider counselling because as Atswimtwolengths says I really do feel like I'm driving myself mad.

Thank you for all your replies as well, you are all really kind.

Look, this man is not The Answer, he is not Your Soulmate or any other nonsense like that. He's just a bloke, who is probably a nice enough bloke and probably quite likes you as a person he knows and that;s all.
The issue is not him, but what he represents. As another poster says, it's possible that you don't so much want to date him as be him. Do you want to be in a band, by any chance? Or have you some other creative talent that you are not using to its full? Or have you some past issues with abandonment or something like that?
I do sympathise as I have been obsessed with people in the past (some of whom were nice men and indeed mates, who simply didn't want to go out with me or have sex with me, as was their right) and it's miserable - but the fact that you have been feeling like this for years suggests you might benefit from professional help to work through it and get over it.

Sorry, missed you mentioning your age in your OP.

I thought it might be useful to share my experience by way of offering a different perspective but it does sound rather like there might be something between you guys if he wasn't with the mother of his child.

It's a fucker of a situation. You would be out of order to say anything to him while he's still attached. I think you should definitely end your current relationship though as it's very unfair to stay with your partner if you love someone else, you should let him be free to find someone who will be 100% into him.

Maybe once you're free yourself, the object of your affection might want to review his own situation in light of your single status, but all you can do is free yourself up to be happy with someone who you're really mad about (whether it's this guy or someone you haven't met yet) and live your life as fully as you can on your own until the person you know you want to be with comes along.

OP, what do you think of my idea of you going abroad for a couple of years? (If you say no, is that just because you wouldn't get the chance to see him?)

I also agree with SGB in that if you have always felt there's something 'missing' in you, no other person is ever going to be able to fill that gap for you.

You need to figure out what it is that's missing and how to plug that gap on your own. Other people can't do for you what you should be doing for yourself.

I think you are projecting a lot onto this guy and he's not ever going to be your saviour.

Anyone else wondering whether this guy's partner is on here with the following problem:

"I stupidly got pregnant by a boy in a local band when I was young. Now I'm stuck at home with the child whilst he travels around the country playing gigs. He's got a lot of female fans and I know this turns his head.

My problem is that I don't know whether I trust him. I know some of the girls are really crazy about him and every time he leaves the house I'm worried in case something happens. A couple have thrown themselves at him and he's come home and laughed about it, but sometimes he doesn't mention anyone and that worries me just as much.

I do love him and I think he loves me. He says he does. I just don't trust him."

Springchickengoldbrass- No I don't want to be him, if anything he strikes me as being quite an unsettled/unsure person and as I've said I really don't like him because he is in a band. He wasen't in a band when I fell for him, he was just Mr Joe Average (well not in my eyes clearly but you know what I mean)

Yes I think I need counselling, you are very right, I am going to look into it.

VickyLou-No he isin't happy with his partner, when she had their son a mututal friend who knows his partner very well told me she had no idea why they were still together as he clearly didn't want to be with her. When he was seeing my friend he confided in me that she was pregnant and asked me what I thought he should do as I was the only person not shouting and getting annoyed with him and I told him to man up then week after he went back to her! Go me eh? bangs head on laptop
Not long after I met my boyfriend he told me he felt trapped in his relationship and was asking me if I wanted to be 'tied down' or not?. All a little bit wierd. That's by the by though, fact is he is in a relationship and if it was that horrific he would get out wouldn't he? He chooses not to so clearly he's getting something from it. I'm not one of those women who goes 'Oh the poor dear, trapped in his loveless relationship for the sake of his child, I must rescue him for his own sake'. Incidentally his GF is utterly terrifying, I think If I messed with her man she would snap he in half like a twiglet!

Atswintwolengths-I couldn't afford to go abroad at the moment, it would cost too much. I am considering moving to London as I say as I have friends there. Moving abroad wouldn't remove my chances of never seeing this guy either if I really wanted to as his band tour all over the world (I'm making them sound like U2 or something here aren't I?, they aren't that big honest, just up and coming)

Also as I have said before he wasen't in a band when he got his girlfriend pregnant. If you are implying I am throwing myself at him because he is in a band you are wrong. His band have nothing to do with my feelings and nor do I 'throw myself' at him.

Incidentally I know his partners best friend and I know from her that his girlfriend got pregnant deliberately by stopping taking her pill because she really wanted a baby (at 21, yilkes!). He didn't want to become a father at all. Not that I'm saying that makes any difference of course, he still has to live up to his responsibilites whether they were wished for or not and I totally realise that.

How old is he MAW?

He's 26 now, was 21 when they has their baby, Yes I am a cradle snatcher and I know it is dreadful.

Oh and I totally 100% agree with what you say about other people not being able to plug the gap in your life MW. I know expecting them too is a recipe for disaster but I've only started working that out in past year or so. I am quite immature for my years in a lot of ways. I try to fill it with friends, hobbies, reading to 'improve' myself etc but it isin't quite working. I think I really could benefit from some counselling to see if there is something else I can do to help myself. I do have interests and a life honestly!, I don't just sit at home clutching a photo of this guy to my heaving bosom (although you would be forgiven for thinking that from the way I'm writing on this thread)

No, I didn't say YOU were throwing yourself at him, but that his partner will be aware of others doing that. Sorry if I got her story wrong, just I imagine it must be difficult being with someone in a band, anyway.

I just think you really need to get away from this situation as it's obviously doing you no good.

I think you are being very fair and reasonable about the whole business MaWm though I do think you should dump your current boyfriend if you are not happy with him. It's OK to be single. Mr Pop Star may realise in due course that he is unhappy with his child's mother and (if he's a decent human being) decide to separate from her and do his best to be a good co-parent.
But right now it's possible that he sees you as a sort of 'what-if?' crush ie he is gently flirting with a variety of women to take his mind off the fact that he feels trapped into fatherhood. WHich is a bit wussy TBH.

hi MilkandWine and others - very interesting thread which resonates with me a lot... I've had a crush on someone for 3.5 years though have never known him or spent time with him in the same way that you have with yours.... I too feel infantile and I am 42!
this year I see this person a lot less as he is a teacher at my dcs' school and nobody is in his class any more - in fact this whole academic year I must have seen him less than 10 times
still I miss his presence though and also feel simply happy when he is around... was thinking yesterday that I would probably go to my grave feeling this way... realise that I can be obsessive though and that it may be that if we ever became friends (as others have suggested) the crush would wane...
in my case I am married with three kids 9 years old and under... dh and I getting on better than we have for a long time but still not great and if we did not have kids I would move on as relationship feels boring and stifling...
object of crush married with grown up children - it's not so much that I want to jump into bed with him, that thought feels odd and definitely wrong, but that I somehow want him in my life - he is observant and very empathetic and the power of being understood and feeling liked cannot be underestimated!!!
am volunteering in my kids' school now - hardly ever see object of crush as am on a different floor - this is good anyhow because am trying to wean myself off thoughts - the other day however he was at the photocopier at the same time as myself and another teacher - after feeling like running away we all managed to share a joke about the photocopier and those two sentences directed at me and the shared laughter (between the three of us) have become like gold dust in my mind () I realise that makes me totally sad but just stating things as they are!!!
anyway, I am not helping but just to say that I recognise a lot of what you say - I think if you do what is best - possibly break up with boyfriend and move away (which might be really interesting anyway), fate will help to bring you and this person together if that is what is meant to be.... but you have to build a life for yourself in the meantime which might well lead you to another much MORE suitable person (if such a thing can be imagined ).

No need to apologise atswimtwolenghs, no offence taken! Yes you are right it must be a nightmare having a partner in a band. I was speaking to the drummers girlfriend not long ago and asking how married life was treating her(they got married last April) Her reply was 'I wouldn't know, he's never bloody home'!

Springchickengoldbrass- Oh yes he is totally wussy, I think that's his main problem tbh, I can't understand how someone would be happy to stay feeling trapped and in a relationship that doesn't make them happy for so long. Child or no child it is pathetic!

Ostracized (love the name btw) Thank you for sharing your story, I'm so glad it's not just me who is totally crazy! The human heart is such a wierd, wonderful and painful organ isin't it?

MaW you sound very sorted and together actually. We can't help who we have feelings for. And also, everyone has their own ishoos.

I think you would benefit from counselling too. I have had it in the past and found it to be hugely helpful.

MW- Do you know what? sometimes I wish I wasen't sorted and could just go out and get what I want and ride roughshod over other peoples feelings. I'm not that sort of person though so I guess I will just suffer in silence and hope that in time (5 years? 10 20?) my feelings for this person will burn out.

Yes I have had past counselling aas well which was helpful (and some that wasen't, it is a bit of a fine art finding the right person I think). I will definately look into it again. Also I will try harder to build more of a life for myself, even if at the moment it does feel utterly pointless without this person in it.

Yeah you definitely need to find the right counsellor. Counselling is all about re-shaping your experiences and views regarding human relationships, so it makes sense to do that within a relationship i.e. the relationship between you and your counsellor; so you have to get on with them and like them.

I know where you're coming from with the riding roughshod over people's feelings thing. Although that might be an appealing idea sometimes, in reality you would be hurting others and making people feel bad - not a nice place to be in really. I can't imagine you'd be any happier being that selfish, nasty person.

I think you should leave your boyfriend to start with. But I'm going to go against the popular sentiment here and advise that you tell the 'younger' man. But tell him in a jokey way, sort of a "I have had a terrible crush on you for years, giggle giggle giggle". You can judge by his reaction whether you should continue to laugh and make light of it, or if he might just feel the same as you.

Poor you, it's agony isn't it. The lurch of the heart when you see him accidentally... the sense of happiness when he's around... the halo of meaningfulness that clings to all your interactions, even if it's just 'nasty weather, eh?' I have been there and I've never known anything so all-consuming.

However - when I look back at the objects of my obsession, they were both rather charming but weak types who were good at giving people what they wanted socially but bad at working out what they wanted in their own lives. I had a half-baked relationship with one of my crushes in the end and it was a disaster, he gave off mixed messages all over the place and was clearly in retrospect not that interested in me, but too cowardly to end it (I had to dump myself in the end).

From your description of your bloke he sounds a bit similar and I think this is very much a case of 'be careful what you wish for, because it might come true'.

Just because someone's in a relationship doesn't neccessarily man that they are happy!

One suggestion - I'd say Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be better than counselling for this particular problem (Obsession)

Sorry to restart an older thread but I need a good talking too I think.

Well basically I went out with DP Friday night gone to watch some bands and who should be there but my secret obsession! So clearly it was rather traumatic but I managed to hold it together whilst me were watching the bands play etc. Said hello to him when I had to pass him to get to bar etc (and he did same to me) but I thought I was doing rather well.

Anyway went to bar over road after gig had finished and later on over he came as well. We ended up standing side by side so I said hello and tried to make a bit of small talk. Just chatting about his band and how pleased I was to see them doing so well ect. He was all 'thank you for saying that' and made a comment about how 'Me and him go way back'. (Which I'm not even sure is true actually as we don't know each other that well).
I then mentioned I was going to London next weekend to see friends and he he said that his band were playing there that weekend. It turns out the thing they are playing at is something my friend had mentioned wanting to go to. (I hand on heart hadn't known they were playing, I had been avoiding googling them or anything like that). So I just tried to make a lighthearted joke of it and told him that if he saw me he had better speak to me as I would be trying to impress my posh London friends! So then he said to me "Do you want my number?". I am ashamed to say I said yes and took it. Later on though when I checked I hadn't saved it because I was more than a bit drunk. It's probably just as well though when I think about it. I could never have text him anyway as it would have been really out of order of me.

I feel really bad now for taking his number. I honestly don't know what came over me. I would never cheat on my partner and I don't even want some stupid, groupie fling with this guy. It just wouldn't be enough for me. I honestly don't know what I was thinking, I resolve to give him up and then do something so bad. I'm not a deceitful person by nature and I'm ashamed of myself. In that spilt second though I just wanted some way to connect with him, even though in the cold light of day it was really wrong of me.

Sorry for length of posts. Please don't all go mad at me. If anything I need a bit of support to tell me I can still get through this and forget about this guy. I really need to for my own sanity!

You should have kept it you are after all long time friends.

Stop giving yourself such a hard time! Jeez. You only took his number, you were drunk, and in the cold sober light of day you wouldn't have used it. No harm done.

I do have to say this though:

1. You are being really unfair on your DP to have such strong feelings for this other man. your DP deserves to be with someone who likes him equally, not as a second best option.

1. The object of your obsession sounds like a bit of a drip to be honest. I'd wager he's just staying in an unhappy relationship with the mother of his child until someone comes along and makes it easy for him to leave because he's too much of a pussy to go of his own accord. Also, if you think he's into groupie flings then that makes him even more unattractive.

Haven't read all the replies but just wanted to say I was in a similar position, no ow or child but infatuated with man that was no good for me. After 3 years of him having this horrible power over me I took control moved to Australia to get away from him. I met my dh who is just perfect in the meantime this guy who is still quite hot btw has been married and divorced moved back in with his parents etc you get the pic. I'm not saying I wouldn't be wobbly if I saw him but I would never want that obsessive infatuation again. Chemistry does not equate necessarily to a good relationship. Don't waste your life on him.