Unrequited love/obsession, either way it hurts like hell. Anyone else been here?

[MilkandWine]

New to the forum so hello all.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting really because theres nothing anyone can do to help I would imagine (apart from give me a cyberspace slap) but I thought it might help to write it down.

Basically for nearly 5 years now I have been head over heels for a guy in my hometown. I've known him since he was 18 but I only got to really know him better when he was briefly going out with a friend of mine. Up until then I hadn't been attracted to him at all but I found myself falling harder than I ever have before for anyone in my life, my feelings were that strong I was actually scared of them!. It was a messy situation as he had just spilt up with his LT girlfriend at the time he was seeing my friend. Basically his GF had fallen pregnant and I think he was running scared (he was barely 21 at the time). They sorted it out though and got back together shortly afterwards. I was utterly utterly gutted but I'm not the sort to make trouble for people (and after all he was never mine anyway). So I thought I would sit tight on my feelings and they would go away (as any sane persons should surely?)

Well I sat and sat and sat and it got NO better! It was getting to the point where I was literally tired of feeling the way I did. I tried everything to stop obsessing, even went on anti depressents to try and get a handle on it.

Then a year later a met my current boyfriend and for a while my feelings went away (as in I didn't think about him as much, however I still felt like vomiting whenever I saw him). That only lasted for a while though and before long I was back to thinking of him constantly and went back on anti depressents to try and block it out again.

Things between me and my Boyfriend are really bad at the minute and I'm just so low and sad and upset. I feel as if my life has been taken over by thinking about this other guy and pining for him. I literally think about him all day long, I try to distract myself with friends, hobbies, reading, exercise, all the things people tell you to and then 10 seconds later he crawls back into my brain.
To make it even worse he is now in a band who are quite sucessful so his face is always all over the local music papers etc (I'm really into music and bias aside his band are really good!). I just literally can't escape from him! I'm even considering applying for a job in another part of the country so I can get away from it. It is making me that profoundly unhappy, I feel my life will never really have any meaning without this guy in it which I know is bollocks really but how do I make my bloody heart tell my head to sort itself out?.

I already know I'm pathetic so please nobody tell me again because I'm already aware of how sad, deluded and shameful my behaviour is. I just want to know if anyone on here has ever been in a similar situation and if so how the hell did you get over it? I just want to forget about him, I know it is unhealthy and is ruining a good part of my life. Plus I feel like such a bad person for being mentally unfaithful to my BF about 100 times a day!

Hi! Like Magic, I havn't read all the replies but just wanted to ask are you still taking the ADs? Did they have any impact on how you think about this guy?

I started a low dose of ADs at Christmas to help manage work-related stress. They've really helped me 'straighten out' my thinking on a lot of levels. I feel they've help me get closure on an infatuation with a guy I had been crazy about. I can see now getting together with him wouldn't have worked and meant I would have needed to turn my life upside down.

Fabbychic, lol, yep we go wayyyyyyy back (apparantly

MW-Yes I know it is totally unfair on my DP, trouble is (and this might sound mad) I don't consider him second best, I really do love him, I just don't seem to be able to stop feeling the way I do about this other guy. I honestly think if I was to be alone until I 'Got over him' I would be alone until I was 100.
Yep you are right he is a bit of a drip, in fact I suspect he would make an appalling boyfriend. I almost feel a bit better after Friday, it has helped me to see that although I can't help how I feel I can stop it taking over my life. He is just a boy really and a slightly clueless one at that!

I still shouldn't have taken his number though, my DP can't abide him and if he had spotted me doing it *shudders Well let's just say there would likely have been a bloodbath and then I would have NEVER forgiven myself.

Bishoplyn- I haven't been on ADs for a year now. I have however (without wanting to sound like a madwomen) really been getting into my power of positive thinking books etc and they are really helping me. I am starting to realise that only I can be responsible for my happiness, it is nobody elses job to make me happy.

In fact I have a suspicion that I positively thought this guy into giving me his number! Before this I would have been automatically thinking 'I'm not good enough etc etc'. Instead I thought 'Actually I AM good enough for anyone, I am a good person' (even though I don't really believe it yet) and it worked!

Now I'm trying to apply it to other parts of my life as well, especially my relationship with my DP.

I'm the same, for 28 years since we became friends at the age of 12, I have been in love. I have done everything I can, shown all my love. But it's not enough, she just doesn't like me that way. I'm just not attractive enough for her. I've not seen anyone all my life, no one compares and I'm 42 now.

If you're still on Mumsnet OP, did you ever get over him? Is he still famous? This is the problem with zombie threads, they reel you in...

I would love to know how this panned out OP xx

Eee...been there...right down to him being in a band. Only thing that worked for me was going completely no contact. Now I look back, I barely knew him so its so mental I liked him so much for so long lol. I suppose I still sorta see him as the one who got away but if I were to really get to know him, warts and all, chances are I'd be cool with that xD as in my experience, people are rarely worth such hype lol.

I guess what's changed is that I want people in my life that love me back. I want warmth and reciprocation and an easy life.

In your case, if he was single id advise messaging him and just flat out saying 'hey dude, how are things? Fancy a drink sometime?'. And if you can sorta step back from yourself during the date and ask yourself if you are actually compatible. You know, control the crush lol. Easier said than done of course.
No need to talk of feelings. That would be too full on. Just treat it as two mates catching up.

But as he's with someone atm, can you put a pin in it? Like 'OK he has a partner right now so just isn't relevant. Let's focus on other things and people for a while'. Then you might find that when it comes back around that he is single and there is a possibility to get in touch and it go somewhere that actually you haven't even though if him for ages.

Going cold turkey isn't easy. But if it isn't exactly cold turkey, but instead, 'not right now' you may find putting him out of your mind easier.

Unrequited crushes are shit. I had one for maybe 2-3 years. Honestly? What got me over it was meeting the right man. Well, a genuine potential whom I real clicked with (didn't work out but I met an even better one!). Nice-but-not-quite-right-for-me blokes only made the crush burn brighter in comparison.

Too many complications with this chap, so I would stay away. I'm sure he has noticed you and appreciates you as you sound lovely and switched on but he's trying to make it work as a family. Different to if he had met a lady online 2 weeks ago with regards to 'go on, tell him!'.

So, drop the unsatisfactory boyfriend and free yourself up to meet someone who willi take up your full attention. I get the impression things have gone on too long with current partner as it's reasonably comfortable even if not perfect and nobody you've met by chance measures up to cute geeky band guy. Well, someone will! They just need an opportunity. You will probably meet some tossers online first. That's just the nature of it. Don't be discouraged.

I do like your idea of a fresh start if that's open to you. London? Overseas? Change of perspective could really help you work out what you want and nice though I'm sure he is, I doubt it's really a taken family man who hasn't approached you in all these years. Sorry to be blunt, I think a bit of a change could be key rather than approaching him.

Oh and yes, whatever you decide to do, stop going to see his band.

Damn it's 12 years old!!! Must. Check. Dates. Wonder what happened!!

”Limerence “ I think this was-Iv been there. Worth looking up if you’ve not already! X

A lot of the dialogue in this thread is confusing me.
I was married to a musician for 30 years and over the age of 24 this was a serious job, not a childish pursuit of vanity. Being in a band does not make this man a 'boy' pissing around unable to settle down. Most of the musicians I know have two jobs, kids and a 'normal' life outside of their creative work.

Secondly, and I mean no disrespect here, OP's wording troubles me. Much of the phrasing reads like a teenage girl, but at the same time appears to be romantically wallowing in it. I honestly thought you were a teen until Madonna brought up your age.
I sense something here that no one has touched on. Something psychological, a sort of getting lost in the dream world. And I was there once, I understand it, and I also recall the overpowering seduction of it. Part of it was not wanting to grow up, not wanting the fun to stop, the dizzying heights of limerance.

Part of it was also internal trouble, unresolved emotional trauma. It went hand in hand with anorexia for me, I was the stereotypical 'little girl lost' at 28, trapped in a self induced 'teenage wasteland', peter pan like.
I wrote copious journals about boys (never men) as this was an expression of my desire to stall maturity. Fixations develop like flies in this state of mind, we become the dream girl, we are special. It is sobering to contemplate this if you are the one going through it. We fixate on something or someone and the universe is brimming with enchantment.
This was show I royally fucked up my post grad.
Luckily I had parents who saved my ass and I re-did it later.

Most women aren't fixating on schoolgirl (oh i am so blushing!!!!) faux-coy crushes at 32. They're contemplating a career move, kids if they want them, ageing parents, home ownership, etc. We are all diffferent and 'normality' is over rated, sure, but life is really fucking brutal like that. We don't have to lose our dreaminess, but I promise, when reality sticks it's foot in, it will really bloody hurt. You ARE alone, because we all are, essentially, and we have to fix stuff from that perspective before we take on a partnership. This is likely why your current relationship is in tatters. You can't commit. Cute pixie dream boy is an excuse.

My opinion? This guy is a screen, a blind to your deeper self. Perhaps a fog of luxurious agony that masks something deeper. Romance is good, I get it, I'm a bloody poet and painter now, but it can do a number on you, even when we are still spinning through the stars.

I wish you the best OP, but I do suspect some level of arrested development here, and would suggest some time spent figuring out what was going on in your life just prior to falling for him. No one is really forcing you to see his band, or to even talk about an adult/mature musician like you are both pre-teens.

And I don't think the 'problem' or whatever lies beneath this limerance will go away magically, even if you move to another country. It is inside you, it is your very own self..

And I get the pain, I really do - it was painful for me too, but oh my god was that pain addictive!!!!!!!!!

(just to add: my fixation was not a person btw, but it was the same mechanism at work)