Family Dispute WWYD?

[noprivateprofile]

This is a bit of an AIBU but I need serious advice which is why I'm posting here.

My dm has advanced alzheimers disease to the point that she no longer recognises family members and is quite aggressive a lot of the time. She lives with my df who looks after her on a day to day basis. I also have a brother and sister who live near to my parents andare very good to them, they help with shopping and washing and ironing etc. My dbro and dsis also have power of attorney.

I live abut 200 miles away and have a supportive dp who works away quite a lot of the time and 3 children, 1 at school and the other 2 are of pre school age.

Yesterday my df was admitted to hospital and is likely to be there for about 1 week. My dbro rang and asked if I would have my dm to stay whilst df was in hospital and also for a few extra days so that he could have a break.

I had seen that this situation had been on the horizon and had been thinking about it for a while and had come to the conclusion that I couldn't cope with her because she needs help with getting up, going to bed, doesn't know who I am or where she is but mostly because of her aggression towards my children. I can't look after her as well as the children, I can't cope with it all.

When I told dbro that I couldn't have her he said that he wouldn't be letting me know what was happening as it was going to be 'none of my business' if I wasn't going to look after them directly. He now won't a answer his phone or respond to emails asking where they are or how they are. My df isn't answering his phone either and I'm worried sick.

I suppose that if I'm going to be really honest here, I'm a bit worried that if she were to come to stay for a short time, my family would delay having her back for weeks or even refuse to have her back. If I were to have her to stay, we can't afford to pay for carers and I don't have poa so she couldn't either.

AIBU or are they? Are we both NBU? What should I do? I feel like the only thing I can do is to ring up and say that I'll have her but I can't cope and feel this is wrong for my dc because they are frightened of her and they should be able to feel safe in their own home.

Sorry it's so long but I didn't want to drip drip further info.

My honest and brutal opinion is that you should contact social services and ask for a short term placement in a home for your mother.

I would also ask your brother and sister why they have not arranged a temporary placement for her.

People with advanced alzheimers are notoriosly difficult to care for. If they need a break, offloading mum to you is not the answer, but to get respite in terms of temporary placements.

It is not a good idea to remove a lady with advanced alzheimers out of her home environment to somewhere she does not know, and then move her back again. It can cause further confusion, and in some cases psychosis.

If your mum is this ill, I am surprised your family has not made steps to find appropriate care for her. Your poor dad must be exhausted.

I know it's long but is anyone there?

I think you're being mostly reasonable - I can understand why your brother is so angry, because your distance from them and your parents means that you avoid all of the day-to-day problems caused by your mother's condition - but your three small children have to come first. And it's clear from what you say that having to look after your mother would affect your ability to look after them properly, and perhaps expose them to physical harm.

So I would stand my ground, if I were you.

Do your brother and sister have small children? Can SS get involved?

I think the problem is that any good reasons you put forward will be treated as excuses by your brother who is probably felling very resentful about what he hs taken on.

Do you really suspect they would just leave her with you for evermore if she came?

If temporary care is not possible, is there any chance that you could take a few days off and go and live with your mum and care for her?

It would go a long way to appease your brother and sister, who I am sure is bearing the brunt of the situation on a daily basis, while you are blissfully far away. It would also give you more insight into the situation, and you might be able to help plan your parents future care requirements with them. Ie persuade them to move into sheltered housing, or help find a care home for your mum.

QUInt's idea is a good one.

Thank you both.

I have suggested that my dm goes into a home while my df is in hospital and also to give him a break. She could also go to a local day centre for 1 or 2 days a week when he comes out so he can have a rest. I have offered to help to look for a suitable home. My dbro and dsis said that any suggestion of dm going into a home was a 'terrible thing to say'.

You are right that I'm not involved in the daily brunt of supporting my parents but I'm not sure how I can do very much because of the distance. We go up to see them about once a month and I'll change their bed and do a bit of cleaning while I'm there (if they'll let me).

My first thought was that if none of us are able to care for her then she will have to go into a home where she will be looked after. It's not what I would ever have wanted to happen.

Quints idea is good!

From their point of view it must be hard doing it all the time!

I wonder if you are getting the brunt of their resentment because you are far away and they are having to do so much. When you say practical things about going into homes they can then roll their eyes and blame you for not wanting to get involved, and that saves them thinking the unthinkable.

I think you may need to buy yourself some grace as it were, and arrange for your dp to look after the kids for a week while you go up there and do it.

And then maybe you can have the conversation. At the moment they will just believe you are trying to escape from it all.

it would not be fair on your children to rbing your motehr into your home without daily carers coming in to helpo you.

teh options are she goes to a residential placement short term or local SS provide 24/7 care at her own home. sending carers in. this may or may not be cheaper than residential placement.

moving her to you 200 miles away makes no sense.

Quint, you idea is a very good one that I hadn't thought of. But who will look after my dc while I'm away?

Katisha, I don't think they would leave my dm with me for everymore but I do think that they might leave her with me for several weeks or even months because they would have no rush once I was looking after her.

Dbro and Dsis both have children but they are all teenagers.

But it is about providing your mum with an environment where she can get the care she needs in the stage of her life she is in now. Where she gets love and attention from people who specialize in dementia and geriatric care. Where relatives can come and visit with a fresh mind without being knackered from all the careing. And maybe take mum/dad out for the day should they wish to do so.

To be honest, people who say "I dont want a care home for my mum/dad" needs to think long and hard whose interests they are serving. Of course the thought of a care home is scary, but there comes a time when you have to put aside what YOU want (and not you in particular op, but the general you) and look at what is best for the person in question.

Maybe they would be more open to your suggestions if you had more first hand experience with the situation. Now you are talking based on visiting once a month, and doing some light cleaning, which quite possibly is just a piss in the ocean.

Do you have a husband?
Can he look after your kids a few days while you go to your mum?

I think that I might have to talk to dh about taking time off work so that I can go up there. It's a really good suggestion and I'm glad I posted now.

There is part of me that thinks that they don't want to have to make the decision that she needs to go into a care home and would prefer to be able to say to themselves that it happened becuase noprivateprofile wouldn't look after her.

I agree with QS.

My mum had this and I was her carer until she had to go into a home. Your DF, Dsis and Dbro might not want her to go into a home (its so very stressful letting them go) but it would be better than you taking her.

They might feel resentful that they have to deal with your DM and you don't but this doesn't mean she would be better with you (for her or you and the DCs).

It's hard for everyone and I think none of you are being unreasonable, you all need to agree on a way forward with social services, get a long term care plan in place so DM can stay in her own house as long as possible, but also start thinking about care homes for short periods so that the main carers can recharge.

I hope they get past the initial anger and talk to you soon. Go easy on them - when you deal with it day in day out, sometimes you can be easy to anger and sensitive about everything DM related. You are being sensible saying no though.

exactly

sorry that was to OPs last post

If you have not already done so I would have a chat with the Alzheimers Society www.alzheimers.org.uk.

I was wondering if Social Services have been of any use here, same with the GP. What contact has been done here?.

If your brother is angry with you, refusing to talk further to you will not solve anything. His solution to the problem though would not help, your mother is likely to be too ill now to be moved anyway let alone such a distance. You mention another sister, how amenable is she?.

I would also say that this whole family are likely to be exhausted; alzheimers is also known as the "long goodbye".

Newbie here (and a dad to boot).

My step-father suffered from Alzheimers and unfortunately died several years ago.

Your mum really, really needs professional care at this stage.

Arranging a place in a home or specialist ward is, sadly, the best thing for all concerned in this situation. Alzheimers is a terrible disease, for those who have it but also for their friends and family.

My suggestion is that you arrange to visit your brother and sister for a couple of days, with the express intention of discussing your mum's situation and what can be done. Communication is always easier when it's done face to face. It will also give you chance to pitch in with your brother and sister - it will show you are not unwilling but simply unable to offer more help.

My sympathy to you and your family.

It may be that also your Mother has been very resistant about going into a care home in the first instance. Or it may be other family members not wanting to make such a decision as it seems to them to be so "final". Someone here needs to bite the bullet re carehomes (and she will likely need a specialist residential dementia home too) because a crisis will happen and none of you will be able to deal with it. I think within your own parental family unit that crisis point has now been reached.

Try talk to your brother anyway, let him know that you WANT to help, and are looking at other options. Tell him you dont think it is in your mums best interest to move back and forth from her home to your home and back again. And that it might be too tiering for her with your three young children. And that your children are so young they still need a lot of care, and you dont feel competent to take on the combination of your mum and care for young kids.

I have been known to lash out at my sister (who lives 7 hours away by plane) when I am exasperated with my own parents and the situation we have here. it is the frustration talking.

SS have not been much help really. DP are self-funding which I suspect is why there has been no respite or carers going in, df doesn't want to spend the money.

TBH I think that me going up there is probably the best solution this time but I know that dp won't be able to keep taking time off work at short notice, he works away quite a bit and there is always a lot of insecurity about his job.

I do recognise that dbro and dsis are having a lot to do for dp and have said this to them.

Writing this all out makes me think that yes, they are resentful and understandably so taking into account the small amount that I do. But I also think they are worried about the future and instead of acknowledging this and sitting down all of us together to make a plan, they are directing their anger towards me.

this is my thread after I tried to combine my demented mum with my kids and cooking dinner]]

Now, I know I have the complication of my father in this too, but it is not a good idea to combine 24/7 care for a dementia sufferer with young children, and your daily life routine. It did not work for even for a couple of hours.

It is therefore a perfect opportunity for you to go there a few days, and spend time with your mum, look into care home options, and talk to them about the way forward.

Out of interest, why is your dad going into hospital?

For how long will he be fit to provide the daily care for your mum when he recovers?

Have they also considered how disorientating it would be for your mum to be in a strange house (yours) given that she has dementia ?

If your dh could look after your dc for a week so that you could go up there to look after your mum in her own home, then this would place a time-limit on the caring period for you as he can't be off work for long.

Do you have any other family (incl in-laws) and friends who could help your dh with things ?

I think your bro and sis have forgotten how much care young children actually require. Going up there would also give you a more leisurely chance to discuss matters with them, assuming they could pop round to your parents house to discuss things.

You could preface your backtracking on being able to help by saying "it would be great if , while I'm up there we all sat down to talk about the future and sharing the care".

It'll be much harder for them to be so rude about everything face to face (although they are probably irritable as a little worn down by what they already do to assist).

I do think that the black-mail attempt by your brother is a bit much though.