Family Dispute WWYD?

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This is a bit of an AIBU but I need serious advice which is why I'm posting here.

My dm has advanced alzheimers disease to the point that she no longer recognises family members and is quite aggressive a lot of the time. She lives with my df who looks after her on a day to day basis. I also have a brother and sister who live near to my parents andare very good to them, they help with shopping and washing and ironing etc. My dbro and dsis also have power of attorney.

I live abut 200 miles away and have a supportive dp who works away quite a lot of the time and 3 children, 1 at school and the other 2 are of pre school age.

Yesterday my df was admitted to hospital and is likely to be there for about 1 week. My dbro rang and asked if I would have my dm to stay whilst df was in hospital and also for a few extra days so that he could have a break.

I had seen that this situation had been on the horizon and had been thinking about it for a while and had come to the conclusion that I couldn't cope with her because she needs help with getting up, going to bed, doesn't know who I am or where she is but mostly because of her aggression towards my children. I can't look after her as well as the children, I can't cope with it all.

When I told dbro that I couldn't have her he said that he wouldn't be letting me know what was happening as it was going to be 'none of my business' if I wasn't going to look after them directly. He now won't a answer his phone or respond to emails asking where they are or how they are. My df isn't answering his phone either and I'm worried sick.

I suppose that if I'm going to be really honest here, I'm a bit worried that if she were to come to stay for a short time, my family would delay having her back for weeks or even refuse to have her back. If I were to have her to stay, we can't afford to pay for carers and I don't have poa so she couldn't either.

AIBU or are they? Are we both NBU? What should I do? I feel like the only thing I can do is to ring up and say that I'll have her but I can't cope and feel this is wrong for my dc because they are frightened of her and they should be able to feel safe in their own home.

Sorry it's so long but I didn't want to drip drip further info.

I don't think the OP has been selfish. Yes if she lived down the road, but 200 miles away there's a limit to how much practical help you can offer.
Her sibs chose to stay near the area they were brought up, she chose to move. I wouldn't want to feel either of my kids to feel they've got to stay attached to my apron strings so they are nearby when I am old and frail.

I want them to spread their wings, go where they wish and when I am no longer able to look after myself find me somewhere pleasant to stay, and not regard my money as an inheritance they are entitled to but make their own way in the world.

"diddl, there is an emotional aspect too, you know. It takes a lot of mental energy."

I´m sure there is.

But I didn´t think that they were doing the actual caring.

Diddl, I did not say they were at their wits end with the caring, but with the situation, please read my posts properly if you are inclined to nitpick and argue.

This is the situation that we dreaded happening with my mum's parents (it was my grandfather who had Alzheimers, and my grandmother who cared for him), except that at least all my mum's siblings agreed that if my grandmother was ever hospitalized my grandfather would have to go straight into a home, that very day. It is absolute madness to suggest that a person with late-stage Alzheimers who is aggressive should travel 200 miles to stay with someone who is also caring for small children, and you shouldn't feel guilty about having said no.

The thing we learned from the experience of my grandfather's illness was that there is such a thing as leaving it too late to go into a care home. The only thing that made my grandmother realize she could no longer cope, despite my mum's and her brothers' best efforts, was when he got a urinary infection and was admitted to hospital in a coma-like state. By that point he was doubly incontinent, couldn't speak, couldn't comprehend anything, wasn't mobile, didn't recognise anyone - in short, he needed full-time specialist dementia nursing care and should probably have been in a home for several years by then. We then had to refuse to allow him to be discharged home and while we were trying to find a nursing home he died in hospital. We're all very sad that my grandmother refused to contemplate this beforehand, when she could have had several years of not being a full-time carer and being able to maintain her health and her own friendships and interests, which have now pretty much all disappeared.

So, what I'm trying to say is that if you wait for another crisis before you do anything about your mum's care it will probably all be much more distressing for everyone involved. So if your dad would like her to go into a home, I would support him in that, and maybe go up for a few days to help him look for somewhere suitable.

Quint-sorry, I have been missing the point that you were making

Got too caught up in indignation at the attitude/lies of OP´s brother.

I think I have already said that OP´s husband shound take some time off to look after the children so that OP can go & help her father.

Of course, assuming that the siblings have chosen to help, she can also choose not to.

He may not be able to get time off though. Lots of people on mumsnet seem to envisage people in jobs with surpless annual leave you can take with minimal notice. This no longer sounds like an emergency.
If the dad isn't willing to even discuss care arrangements with his daughter then it is difficult to see how she can help if all relatives either lie to her or refuse to speak to her.
Planning a few days there to discuss the situation may help, but they all sound a bit unpleasant and to be deliberately excuding her in an "if you can't help our way we won't involve you at all" sort of way.

Well, if he can´t, & OP can´t get there, then that´s it, isn´t it?

I agree that the lying is awful.

And of course, it´s also up to OPs father who he has helping him/staying with him.