Family Dispute WWYD?

[noprivateprofile]

This is a bit of an AIBU but I need serious advice which is why I'm posting here.

My dm has advanced alzheimers disease to the point that she no longer recognises family members and is quite aggressive a lot of the time. She lives with my df who looks after her on a day to day basis. I also have a brother and sister who live near to my parents andare very good to them, they help with shopping and washing and ironing etc. My dbro and dsis also have power of attorney.

I live abut 200 miles away and have a supportive dp who works away quite a lot of the time and 3 children, 1 at school and the other 2 are of pre school age.

Yesterday my df was admitted to hospital and is likely to be there for about 1 week. My dbro rang and asked if I would have my dm to stay whilst df was in hospital and also for a few extra days so that he could have a break.

I had seen that this situation had been on the horizon and had been thinking about it for a while and had come to the conclusion that I couldn't cope with her because she needs help with getting up, going to bed, doesn't know who I am or where she is but mostly because of her aggression towards my children. I can't look after her as well as the children, I can't cope with it all.

When I told dbro that I couldn't have her he said that he wouldn't be letting me know what was happening as it was going to be 'none of my business' if I wasn't going to look after them directly. He now won't a answer his phone or respond to emails asking where they are or how they are. My df isn't answering his phone either and I'm worried sick.

I suppose that if I'm going to be really honest here, I'm a bit worried that if she were to come to stay for a short time, my family would delay having her back for weeks or even refuse to have her back. If I were to have her to stay, we can't afford to pay for carers and I don't have poa so she couldn't either.

AIBU or are they? Are we both NBU? What should I do? I feel like the only thing I can do is to ring up and say that I'll have her but I can't cope and feel this is wrong for my dc because they are frightened of her and they should be able to feel safe in their own home.

Sorry it's so long but I didn't want to drip drip further info.

Surely if your Dad believes a home would be best for your Mum, then he can do this without the sayso of your siblings - he is after all her primary carer.

If your siblings are against a home, and your Dad can't cope, what do they think should happen to your Mum? I would be asking them that in a calm way.

I want to post because I am in a similiar situation but I am a sibling that lives near. I'm not sure that I can give any useful advice because I feel too much in the middle of it all to have any perspective IYSWIM. I wanted to just post some information about my situation in case it'll help give any insight on how your siblings might be feeling.

In our case 3 of us live near, 1 lives far away. 2 of us near ones help a lot, 1 less so but still some. Mum has early onset dementia so she and DF are in their 50's. DF is working himself into the ground doing day to day care. Mum has spent some time in pyschiatric hospital, and we all hoped that would give Dad a break, but actually it made him more stressed as he missed her, worried about her and spent all the time preparing for next visit.

Dad has asked for support from SS and to be fair to them they did put some in place. They got people to come in every morning to get her up and arranged respite for 1 morning and 1 afternoon a week. After a few weeks Dad cancelled it all. It made mum's condition much worse having other people in the house. The quality of the carers was extremely variable. Some were fine. Some were disinterested at best. Many were late which meant Dad could not do the activities he had arranged during his respite. The bill was going to be about £15 an hour I think and that was the nail in the coffin really. So we don't have help from SS as what they can provide doesn't actually help. We need a reliable carer, who is kind and the same one every time. Perhaps we should consider a private arrangement but mum just likes us really.

The talk of homes on this thread I think is ill advised for you in your position. If my far away sis rolled up and said put mum in a home I would be absolutely furious, I would feel it not her place (whether she was right or not). My far away sis comes and takes mum on holiday for mon to fri 3 or so times a year. I think that is fab and I recognise what a sacrifice it is for her because it uses up so much of her annual leave and mum in a big block of time is very hard work.

On a practical level I have 3 preschoolers and I can't leave the house with mum and them, mainly because I can't do roads with all of them, also because mum could wonder and I couldn't chase. I don't think it is realistic to have her in your home for any length of time.

Will come back, have to have dinner now.

Moomaa: if your dad thought that a home was the right place for your mum - would you support him?

Honest question - 'cos from the latest post from the OP, that seems to be situation that her family has reached.

AttilaTheMeerkat

I can not see in any of the OP posts, that the daily care givers are at the end of their tether

They want to give the father a break after a recent hospital stay

Jeez dont know about you but daily care around the clock, is not something I would want to come home to, after a stay in hospital

Since your brother & sister don´t do the daily care, why can´t they take it on?

Also, since you don´t have POA, it seems to have been decided that at some point it will not be your business.

If your Dad wants your Mum in a home-presumably because he isn´t coping-what´s being done about that-or does the POA mean that they can overrule him?

I can only speak from my experience but when our family were in a similar situation with my grandad, who was self funding, social services were really helpful - no money but loads of really useful advice and support.

TBH I think that dm could stay in her own home if df would accept help from carers. It would be difficult for dbro and dsis to be giving personal care on a daily basis as they have their own family commitments.

I don't think that they are at the end of their tether because they are not having to provide daily visits atm but df would like a break from her.

Yes, do think that when dbro and dsis were given poa and not me, I do think that there was a conscious decision to exclude me. I feel it in other ways too, for example, we invited df and dm down for Christmas and they declined to come. Instead they spent Christmas Day altogether with Db and Ds and their families and we weren't invited. Same at New Year. And family birthdays. They are spending Easter altogether too. In fact I only ever hear from my siblings when they want something and df never ever calls me or acknwledges our birthdays.

"It would be difficult for dbro and dsis to be giving personal care on a daily basis as they have their own family commitments.

Yet they expect you to?

Could they not help for a short time whilst your dad recovers at least?

Well, I´ll sound like a bitch but the POA thing would really piss me off & I would feel like saying that don´t want me in that, but expect me to drop everything & help when it suits then they can piss right off tbh.

If your father is not suffering from alzheimers then why do your brother and sister have a POA?

If they are not physically doing lots, like shopping, caring etc then YANBU. However, maybe you need to go up there and discuss the future of your mum and unfortunately things are only going to get worse.

Good luck.

Look, if you can´t help for a week because of young children, then you can´t.

I may be missing the point, but they do washing, shopping & ironing between them for a couple of old(er)? folk.

Is that really that hard?

Can´t one of them shop, wash, iron for a week whilst the other cares for your mum?

Can they shop online & use a laundry service for a week?

I maybe missing the point but I can´t really see what your brother needs a break from.

And also, if you help fir the week, I´m thinking that you would be required to look after your mum 24/7, wash & iron?

notprivateprofile I just wanted to tell you that imo you are doing the right thing by your childen. My Mothers poor Mum had various problems and as a child was terrified of her. Youth goes to youth and to the majority of children old people with problems are scary.

It woud be impossible for you to care for DM at home....your brother is oviously doing an admirable job....do your sisters help though? Have they been in touch with you?

Diddl, I think that you've got it about right regarding the leve of input my dbro and dsis have. They do the shopping online and the washing and ironing for dp. They also take them to appointments. Whilst this does not mean that they have to visit daily, it's a lot more that I do so I am reluctant to minimise the effect that this has on their lives because it's a longterm commitment.

When I've had dm to stay before, I've had to stay at home the whole time because I can't cope with going out with her and the children it's just too much. So we have stayed cooped up in the house all the time. Now dc1 has started school I didn't know how I could look after dm and get dc1 to school and back again.

It turns out that the story dbro gave me about df's admission to hospital was untrue. Rather than being admitted to hospital he was treated in casualty before being sent home. Dbro had told me that he had been admitted for several days for treatment for a chronic health problem but it turns out that he was not being honest abut this. During a row dm had attacked him and he had needed treatment in casualty for his injuries.

Although I feel very guilty that I did not agree to have dm to stay, I am also relieved because I would not have agreed to have her if I had known that she had been behaving violently because it might mean exposing my children to it.

It is unreasonable for your father and siblings to completely ignore your wishes about the type of care your mother receives and then moan at you for not fitting in with their plans decided exclusively by them.
At the moment it is up to your dad whether or not your mum lives with him long term. He can listen to you and your sibs but ignore any of you he wishes.
With your dad in hospital the 3 of you then have to decide short term what happens to your mum. The other 2 deciding she shouldn't go into care and you should look after her without discussing this with you is unreasonable.
They all sound as though they are martying themselves, although your dad probably has financial reasons against a care home as well.
If I get dementia and don't recognise my family/ am agressive and disruptive I really hope they do put me in a home, and don't keep me alive longer than necessary so they don't have years of remembering me like that.

Your brother sounds incredibly stupid and unkind to everyone for suggesting your aggressive demented mother comes to stay with you in the situation described.
Respite caring in a nearby care home would be much more sensible.
Does your father need to see a solicitor to get finances sorted out? He should still get to keep alot of his money even if your mum does go in a care home.

So if you had your mother to stay, your husband would perhaps still need time off to look after the children?

Is your father now back home & able to care for your Mum?

If so, perhaps you could think of a couple of days helping him/keeping him company?

But for your father, not your siblings

Back again, someone asked if I would support my DF if he wanted to put mum in a home. Yes I would, as it is his decision. My DH would not allow me to have her here if it were needed, and I guess that is a relief.

Back to OP, I think your brother is totally out of order for suggesting your DF was in hospital for several days when he was not. Can you ask him why he exagerrated?

With the POA, are they 'active' people on it? Do they act for your mum or your dad or both? My sister and I are listed on mum's POA but only as reserve people if something happens to Dad. I would find it odd to have those 2 as active people without you being included too.

I still think it would be helpful if you could go down for a week and support them. If your DF still wants to care for your mum perhaps he would appreciate the gesture. My Dad gets very angry at one of my sisters because he doesn't see her much and much of the anger is unfair in my opinion. For instance, she does baby sitting for me so I can help them more.

Your Dbro & dsis have been dong all the heavy lifting so far. Of course they want a break and some help. I think you already know how selfish you're being. IMHO you should have your dm to stay and spend time with her whe you can . And arrange for dh, friends to help with your kids. And yes, put yourself out a little for the woman who bore you, raised you and for your family. Is temporary. They need help.engage with your family, inconvenient tho it is

TWDA- that is incredibly harsh. Looking after OP's Mum may not be in her DM's best interests either. I know, I tried, when my Mum was in the earlier stages of dementia to have her stay with me to give my DF some respite. It was an unmitigated disaster for us all. DM was terrified in a less familiar environment and could make no sense of anything. It was also very scary for my DC's.

My DF was taken suddenly seriously ill and DM had to go in to care. This transformed my DP's relationship as DF could go in and visit her and take her out but didn't have to deal with the aggression and confusion. It was a hard decision but in fact one that we took out of his hands. Do you know why your siblings are against a care home? Is it to do with cost? Dementia is awful for everyone and unfortunately only gets worse. As a mother your primary responsibility is for your children and paying for care does not mean you do not love or feel responsibility for your parent. Even in a care home decisions still need to be made and it is still very stressful. It sounds as though you need to go and have a full family conference and discuss these things face to face.

I am so sorry OP. The only thing that has got me through the last few years is having a united front with my siblings and able to make joint decisions.

TDWA you sound very ignorant about the issues discussed on this thread.

The spokes person at our local azheimers and dementia group has said that it is not the forgetfulness which eventually is the reason that people put their loved ones/spouses into care homes, it is the violence.

Your brother and sister must be at their wits end with the situation if they suggest a woman with dementia who is turning violent come stay with you

"brother and sister must be at their wits end with the situation if they suggest a woman with dementia who is turning violent come stay with you"

But they are not actually caring for her day to day-her husband is.

They shop, wash & iron.

diddl, on the face of it, I do very little for my parents, from an outsiders perspective. Washing, ironing, and shopping, for another person living elsewhere, and keeping tab on appointments, and ferrying them back and forth, may take up a lot more time than you (or the op) may imagine.

I have been there, done that for 2 years with my parents, and when you break it down to "shopping, ironing and washing" it sounds little, but anybody with a little imagination will realize it isnt.

"shopping, Ironing, and washing", that is pretty much what a sahm does, eh? plus care of child/elderly dement person who is most likely as incontinent as a 12 month old without nappies, and will need several changes a day.

I´m not saying it´s not time consuming, but there are two of them doing it so I do find it hard to think that they can be at their wits end with it tbh.

Tbh if DM has got to the stage of her aggression that DF has needed hospital treatment he is clearly no longer able to cope with her. That is no failure on his or on your part just a fact of this horrible condition. What would happen if she were to really hurt him eg push him so that he falls and breaks a hip? SS are not really interested if you are self funding but after repeated non return of my phone calls when my mother was about to be evicted from her care home for hospitalising another resident crying got an instant response. I was given a direct dial phone number and they massively negotiated the cost of another high dependancy home on my behalf. The more you appear to be coping the less they will do to help

diddl, there is an emotional aspect too, you know. It takes a lot of mental energy.

Hear hear Quint