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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you know when it's over?

20 replies

Mauvemay · 08/04/2011 00:34

No specifics here, sorry. But when, in your gut, do you know that your relationship is sunk (or at least, fatally holed)? What does it feel like?

OP posts:

positivesteps · 08/04/2011 00:37

Hi Mauve,

From my past. You can feel it. You just know.

Original poster

Mauvemay · 08/04/2011 01:00

Scared like hell that I can. No one thing has really triggered it, but it just feels like it's all drifted away. I have a knot in my stomach writing this, but at the same time a sort of calm acceptance too.

Calling it a day on our relationship doesn't feel so bad, but splitting things up for our 6mo DS just feels horrible.

OP posts:

positivesteps · 08/04/2011 01:45

Do you not feel that you love him anymore? From past I remember feeling like I loved him and felt all nervy in my stomach but knew it couldn't carry on just knew it was failing and I couldn't stop it.
Is their someone else? His he nasty to you ? Has something happened?

SouthGoingZax · 08/04/2011 02:42

Mauve, sorry you are going through this.

Just a thought, if it isn't something you can 'put your finger on' and he isn't being nasty then personally I really wouldn't make this decision when your DS is so young.

DH and I were always clear that we were in it for the long haul and things are fantastic now (children 18 mos) but my goodness, things seemed pretty bad for some of the first year. The adjustment that needs to be made as a couple to having a child / children is huge. it may take a while longer than 6 months.

Hope you are OK.

Original poster

Mauvemay · 08/04/2011 09:35

I certainly still feel a deep love - there's no-one else I'd rather be with (and there's certainly no-one else in the frame, for either of us) - but I just don't feel that it's reciprocated.

We both expend a lot of energy either caring for DS or providing for the family as a whole - and we both knew beforehand that this would be the case, and that's fine.

I'm trying to make sure I have enough energy left over for DP (and trying things to keep the 'spark', ie time together, a nice meal maybe once a week at home once DS is in bed (three courses, wine etc)) but DP doesn't seem to be willing or able to invest the same effort in us. Forget any intimacy - but more than that, it's like I'm not someone DP wants to be around. Sucks!

OP posts:

SouthGoingZax · 08/04/2011 10:08

I think you owe it to yourself to give it a bit more time. If there wasn't anything seriously wrong before DS, it may be that he is adjusting still to parenthood.

Can you talk to him about it?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 08/04/2011 10:30

YOu have a 6 month old baby. ALl relationships are grim at this stage. If your partner is doing his share and not behaving abusively, hang in there for a bit longer and things will probably improve.

sunshineatlast · 08/04/2011 10:36

Agree with those who say wait.

You need time to recover yourself after having a baby. Him too. His world has changed as well. It sounds as if you feel a bit rejected by him, is this the case? Can you talk to him about it? What makes you feel he is uninterested in "us"?

Anniegetyourgun · 08/04/2011 11:57

His view of you has likely undergone a huge change too. Up till the birth you were his partner, now you are "a mother", a different animal altogether. It will quite probably take him a while to reconcile your new role with the person you always were (and still are). Have you ever, say while both bending over the baby, just looked up into his eyes and said "I am the same person I was before, and I still love you"? Or would that be too cheesy for words? Maybe he's feeling exactly the same as you do about him: I love her, but it's all about the baby, I don't feel as if I matter to her any more.

These things should definitely be explored before you give up on a relationship that seemed good.

Original poster

Mauvemay · 08/04/2011 14:43

I think an assumption a few people have made is that I am the DW. I am in fact the DH.

[prepares for backlash]

OP posts:

sunshineatlast · 08/04/2011 17:38

Doesnt change my advice in any way. Her world has changed, so has yours. Give her time to recover, caring for a 6mo is all consuming. Talk to her about it.

Original poster

Mauvemay · 08/04/2011 18:09

Thank you sunshine - plan for tonight. Let's see how it goes...

OP posts:

SouthGoingZax · 08/04/2011 20:05

Agree with sunshine - doesn't make any difference if you are DW or DH!! Except, remember (esp if she is still breastfeeding or doing all the night feeds) it will take her quite a bot longer than you to adjust as she will be so exhausted.

atswimtwolengths · 08/04/2011 20:12

Not too helpful calling yourself by a female name, MauveMay, if you are actually male.

Original poster

Mauvemay · 08/04/2011 20:21

Was just a colour and a month, but noted...

OP posts:

sunshineatlast · 08/04/2011 20:43

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 08/04/2011 21:31

AH. It would actually have been helpful to have known this at the start, because it is a bit different depending on whether you are M or F. As a man, you haven't gone through the dramatic physical changes and the hormone storm that your DP has. Erm - unless your newborn is adopted?
However, the basic advice, which is that all relationships go through a major upheaval in the first year of the first baby's life, doesn;t change much. You are both sleep deprived. You as the H may be feeling a bit shut out (particularly if your DW is breastfeeding and the baby isn't yet taking EBM) but you need to be seriously sure that you are doing your fair share of housework and as much childcare as is feasible. If you think your DW resents you, think as to whether you are just bopping along the same as before, while her life has changed beyond recognition. Make sure your DW is getting time off from housework and childcare (hint - this doesn't mean time spent being asked for sex).

CaptainBarnacles · 08/04/2011 21:39

LOL SGB

Original poster

Mauvemay · 08/04/2011 21:54

Well, quite.

No housework as it happens (we have two cleaners now so DW can spend more time with DS. I do the gardening.) and I don't ask about sex anymore, there isn't any point. Do I help with childcare? Yes, of course - he's my child too fgs!

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 08/04/2011 22:04

Have you talked to your wife about how she is feeling? What does she say?
It's possible that she may have PND, of course: does she have other people she can talk to (her mother, health visitor, friends)?
ONce again, the first 6 months of a baby's life are very hard on the parents. How good a sleeper is your DS? If he is waking you up several times a night, every night, then that's the short answer to the problem, your DW and you are sleep-deprived therefore ratty, unreasonable and miserable. However, at about 6 months babies start to sleep more and things start to improve.

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