Are my parents odd?

[hmc]

For some obscure reason 20 years ago they moved from Peterborough (admittedly a heinous place) to Scarborough to retire ...which given that it is on the A64 largely single tracked road might as well be Outer Mongolia ...(at the time I was living in Leicester and brother in Birmingham)

Anyways - they were invited to come and stay with us (south coast - 275 miles distance between us) for 3 or 4 days next week to coincide with ds's 7th birthday and indeed mum's birthday (15 April). Haven't seen 'em since Christmas. So mum rings me tonight - 'we are not coming after all because your dad has a bad back and so do I....'

Now they are old - 77 and 82 respectively, and it is a hell of a long way to drive at their age....but in the past we have frequently offered to pay for train tickets and to pick them up from London so they don't have to change trains etc...

Why don't they want to see their grandson on their birthday?

Not being there actually on his birthday doesn't mean they don't care for him.
Things have changed due to age.

Sounds like it's time for a general reassessment of what can and cant be expected along with associated reassessment of emotional implications.

I don't OP is trying to be mean or selfish. Sounds like the parents detached earlier on having moved away from both her and her brother.

Since the children she has hoped for more involvement which hasn't been forthcoming and she is very disappointed about them not having the desire to see more of their family.

So with this lack of investment in her family she is dreading them becoming dependents and having to turn her life upside down to tend to their needs.

I don't think any aspect of their care would be an issue if they had been more involved in her life to date. Because the need to reciprocate would be automatic. But at the moment it seems like 'you couldn't be bothered with us or the GDC and now you want me to give up every weekend'.

Agree with BluddyMoFo....

You sound like you have a whole lot of resentment stored up. Perhaps you should examine what it is that you are really annoyed about - them moving to the coast 20 years ago when you lived in the Midlands, them not moving to the south coast to be near you when you moved there subsequently, them getting older, them being unable to travel on this one occasion (due to health reasons) to suit your plans, or the thought that at some point in the future they may need some help off you (are you sure they will, might they not have already considered this themselves and come up with their own plan, have you even asked them?).

Grandparents are never her for dd's birthday. The party is for children. She has a separate time with gparents before or after the bday.

HMC - I can see the MN judge and jury are out in force. So here's something for you .

I think the issue isn't the birthday party, but really the expectations you had about parents/grandparents. I expect you wanted parents who were more full on and involved in your life and you got parents that look after themselves and really seem to have washed their hands of their kids since you flew the nest. Some parents are like that, and if they weren't abusive/neglectful of you when you were little, then just accept it and stop trying to get them to be anything else.

If you admit that you are disappointed in them (to yourself, not them) and that they won't change, will that make it easier?

Couldn't resist a pop in (should be working). I know Belle! - but I've been around Mn long enough for it not to bother me

Tbh have got quite a lot of constructive feedback on the thread and its interesting to hear other peoples take on the matter (when they are nice / not sarcastic about it , I tend not to 'listen' otherwise).

Yes I can't change things and they haven't been very involved gps - I should just accept that with a shrug, and yes I was being a bit unrealistic expecting them to make the journey (although they did go to Bournemouth by coach recently on a short holiday so they can do it when they want to!)..and I was being a bit unreasonable, they are very old. ... also I am going to be a bit more philosophical about the whole thing!

I understand your disappointment but my GP's wouldn't have coped with that journey at the same age. Driving long distances or taking public transport is really stressful however old you are or how much you want to get to your destinstion. I think sometimes people get to an age where they just can't face it anymore. My GP's did still go on coach trips though..

And, when the inevitable happens, possibly the remaining parent may want to move down to be nearer you anyway. I don't think you should be resentful in advance though, you have no idea how this could pan out.

When I retire initially I'd like to live somewhere fairly remote. I will have spent alot of years living near my job and the kids' dad (my ex) and the stepkids. Why should retired people be expected yet again to put their children first?
My kids both have plans to move abroad at the moment when old enough anyway.
82 and bad back sounds excellent reason not to travel, noisy 7 year olds party and 2 grandparents over 75 sounds another one.
Visit them some time when it's all less frantic.
Scarborough is excellent for sand castles and ice creams. Whitby is just down the road, the yorkshire moors are on your doorstep, it's part of the UK I love.