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Original poster

Are my parents odd?

83 replies

hmc · 07/04/2011 23:53

For some obscure reason 20 years ago they moved from Peterborough (admittedly a heinous place) to Scarborough to retire ...which given that it is on the A64 largely single tracked road might as well be Outer Mongolia ...(at the time I was living in Leicester and brother in Birmingham)

Anyways - they were invited to come and stay with us (south coast - 275 miles distance between us) for 3 or 4 days next week to coincide with ds's 7th birthday and indeed mum's birthday (15 April). Haven't seen 'em since Christmas. So mum rings me tonight - 'we are not coming after all because your dad has a bad back and so do I....'

Now they are old - 77 and 82 respectively, and it is a hell of a long way to drive at their age....but in the past we have frequently offered to pay for train tickets and to pick them up from London so they don't have to change trains etc...

Why don't they want to see their grandson on their birthday?

OP posts:
BluePyjamas · 08/04/2011 01:40

I think you need to think about the word "empathy" tbh...

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 01:43

Just in case you genuinely don't get it BJ (rather than just being a wind up merchant as is the vogue on here from time to time) - I fear that my parents are fairly indifferent to their grandchildren, and you have insouciantly confirmed those fears with "they obviously don't want to come". To parrot you - 'nice'!

OP posts:
HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 08/04/2011 06:13

Do I think your parents are odd? No.

Do I think you are odd? Yes.

bonkers20 · 08/04/2011 06:26

Of course your parents are odd. ALL parents are odd. Don't try and fathom them. You can blame you own personall oddness on them!

PorkChopSter · 08/04/2011 06:36

My MIL comes up with many feeble excuses why she can't come here each time we invite her. She's 72. But goes on 3-4 holidays a year that are longer journeys.... she's missed out on so much with her GP but that's her choice.

I understand why you are narked.

JustKeepSwimming · 08/04/2011 06:38

Not saying odd either way but can sympathise.

My parents lived abroad for 20+ years, then came back to the UK. Could've lived pretty much anywhere.

We had settled in the south-east by this point & unlikely to move in the next 30+ years. (DSis in France, DB1 abroad too, DB2 still young & in London so not settled).

We openly said to my parents, live near us, as near as you like, yes we'd love help with the DC while they're young & we totally take on any help you guys will need when you're older (bear in mind my Mum has already been quite ill & needed care & I did it a few years ago, they know I can be a carer).

They chose to buy in Devon where they have no family (well 1 cousin who's the same generation as them) and miles away from us & the GC.
Hmm

There's having your own life & there's being vaguely sensible with your choices. They/or one of them will need our help in the future and we'll be too far away with DC to really help.

And they are very blase about coming to see us too, even when DS2 was ill. Dad assures me they do care but they aren't good at showing it. Hey ho. At least they aren't driving me crazy with constant plans to visit/phone calls/Skype calls like MIL does!

BlooCowWonders · 08/04/2011 06:43

I think you need to separate it out. The grandparents visit should focus on them. A 7 yr old's birthday PARTY (not the birthday) is something I'd be very happy to miss, and I've known few gps who attend, but only ever those at the younger end.

How can you still be angry at your parents move 20 years ago?

Can you talk calmy to them about another move? Dh and I have talked of our retirement (often!) being in two stages for on our sixties , and for much later.

mamatomany · 08/04/2011 06:46

It's a fine line between close and too close, helping and interferring but personally I prefer a bit f dstance between me and the olds.
We've had 4 uninterested grandparents and you know it's not that unusual amongst my friends, this generation are not like their parents and will reap what they sow. I feel no obligation towards them whatsoever and that's quite liberating.

coastgirl · 08/04/2011 06:58

If you live on the south coast now, didn't you choose to move further way from them, too?

CelebratedMonkey · 08/04/2011 07:13

Fair enough to be worried about indifference, but it's probably their age/bad back that is the primary reason for not coming. I'm sure they'd like to see you and DS, but they're probably not super enthusiastic about the birthday party specifically.

Given their ages, have DS's party, then make the effort to go and see them.

You sound very resentful and defensive. Imagine a smiley here and stop biting posters' heads off.

washnomore · 08/04/2011 07:22

Very good point coastgirl.

The thing is OP, so far it doesn't seem like your parents have any expectations of you. It's you that has these pretty unrealistic expectations of them, and you that has also made the assumption that they'll want you to care for them. Have they said this directly? Perhaps they've made alternative arrangements?

The nub of it is that despite their age you feel that while it's far too far for you (young, fit, able if not willing) to be able to help them in any way, it's not too far to expect them (elderly, in pain) to travel on your whim. That's the bit I really think is shitty.

cjdamoo · 08/04/2011 07:22

Scarborough is a lovely place for old folk to retire to.

I can see your upset but they are getting on a bit and the journey to Scarborough used to kill me from BRUM to go see my family so I can see why they are relectunt to do it too

exhausted2011 · 08/04/2011 07:28

God forbid they should do what they want to do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2011 07:37

hmc

Your parents probably fancied living by the seaside hence the move. It likely seemed like a good idea to them at the time but did not think or want to think about their longer term future.

Unfortunately it sounds like your parents baulked at the idea of headign south anyway and now used their age and health reasons not to attend. Pity they were not more honest with you at the time of asking.

(My Mum wanted to move down to Devon from the SE after my Dad retired, it was only after I had explained the realities and practicalities of doing such a move that reality dawned. Let me see Mum you cannot drive and you have no friends that live there. Also you would not want to make any new friends).

Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 09:28

Oh don't be so obtuse washer - of course it's not too far for me to visit them every so often and we do, it would however be too far for me to travel up and down every single weekend for several months to support one of my grieving parents when the inevitable happens and they need help (which it will soon). I have a duty to my dc not to drag them with me on a 550 mile round trip every weekend nor leave them at home without me every weekend for several months. It's quite clear that it was the latter scenario I was talking about...so quit with your: "That's the bit I really think is shitty" - it is unwarranted, unhelpful and needlessly adversarial.

I am going to take a leaf out of mamamtomany's book....

and yes, we'll visit them next month ...

Apols - no more checking of this thread today, have essay to write, but will try and read subsequent

OP posts:
Original poster
hmc · 08/04/2011 09:29

..try and read subsequent posts at some point

OP posts:
diddl · 08/04/2011 09:41

We are in Germany & Dad in the UK.

He´s in his 80s & visits regularly.

But on the last trip the travelling really took it out of him & I think he´s not wanting to do it anymore.

Maybe they just don´t feel up to the journey.

It´s probably nothing to do with not wanting to see their GS on his bday.

FWIW, since we have been here-more than 10yrs, ILs have never visited-their only child & only GC.

They have been invited for Bdays, Christmas, just invited...go figure!

(They were 60 & 62 when we moved here)

BluePyjamas · 08/04/2011 09:44

But your parents have been there for 20 years, if you were worried about traveling to care for them "every weekend"* at some time in the future, why didn't you settle somewhere closer to them?

*That's not caring for them btw, it's visiting.

flamingtoaster · 08/04/2011 09:48

Taking your son up later will solve the current problem. Maybe them saying they can't travel because of their backs gives you an opening to suggest maybe they should think of a move nearer you so you could all see each other more often. It would be a big upheaval for them but with having packers in etc. - and you collecting them on the day of the move so they could stay with you for a few days while the house was unpacked and sorted - they might just be willing to consider it now. I do think, however, if you want them to move you have to start with a plan which makes it a doddle for them (though a nightmare week for you obviously!).

brass · 08/04/2011 09:48

I can see why you feel hurt by it and it is a shame but really there is nothing to be done. Have your DS's birthday as you planned it and have a fab time.

Go and see the GP's some other time when it suits you.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/04/2011 09:54

I understand your disappointment, but I don't think you can really expect your parents to live their lives based on your convenience. I live 200 miles from my family because I moved. Try to imagine how you'd feel if right now, your parents were nearby but you got offered some amazing opportunity abroad. Would you turn it down and sacrifice your dreams so as to be on hand for your parents? Your folks wanted to move, they are presumably happy, and lots of families are spread out now.

BluddyMoFo · 08/04/2011 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whitevanwoman · 08/04/2011 10:17

maybe they dont feel comfortable driving 300 miles with a bad back aged 82

maybe they dont feel comfortable getting train with a bad back aged 82 (over school hols when its horrendous anyway)

i think you are being selfish fwiw :)

whitevanwoman · 08/04/2011 10:19

i cant wait to move abroad when OH retires

tbh who in their right mind would want to stay in this country with the way they treat older people (and the crappy weather) :(

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/04/2011 10:25

We're buggering off to Ireland asap. If the DC want to come, great, but I have no intention of following them about the globe. Hell, we'll facetime